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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has hit his bully today

83 replies

Prefend · 10/10/2023 13:15

hes yr7. He’s been saying this boy has been being mean to him and goading him for a few weeks. Had a phone call earlier asking me to go into school later as he’s punched this boy in the eye.
how do I handle this? I don’t condone violence, but I know that everyone has a breaking point and when enough is enough and they snap

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 10/10/2023 13:16

Are the school aware that your son has been bullied? Self defence is justified imo.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 10/10/2023 13:17

Hmm. Did he/you tell anyone at school about this boy? Because if you did I think you go in and just say your last 3 lines.

To your DS though I think parents being called in is a pretty good lesson in itself - mainly that violence is a last resort and has its own consequences.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 13:19

Well I don’t think you can have a go at him.

He has been persistently targeted over a period of time. Then he had a reaction to it.

I think the bully deserved it. I have no sympathy for him at all. I hope it taught him a lesson but I suspect he will just find someone else to pick on

GingerIsBest · 10/10/2023 13:19

I have been through a version of this. Assuming your school is on it, they will take mitigating factors into account but, most likely, will have a hard line on the violence and will insist that he be punished for that.

What they WANT is for children not to get to the point where the bully can do this to them - they want the children to flag the issue, practice de-escalation techniques etc.

So, ask them proactively and firmly what exactly they thought your DS should have done. If their suggestions are valid, take them on board. If the suggestions are a bit wishy washy, point that out. Ask them what they are doing to actively prevent bullying.

In our case- DS was punished for the push BUT he was also absolved of all blame for the altercation overall. He was also provided with guidance and tools which he was able to action when a retaliation fight was attempted a week later. At that point, the other child (and the children who were encouraging the fight etc) were punished quite severely and DS was fully absolved of blame. it was transformative for him as he had been bullied at primary school without any of this support in place.

MidnightOnceMore · 10/10/2023 13:20

What was happening before your DS punched the othe boy? The position of the school will depend a lot on that, if the bullying was verbal it means your DS is the one who escalated it to physical.

Were the school aware of the ongoing bullying issue?

Original poster
Prefend · 10/10/2023 13:21

I have mentioned it to them, yes. I don’t know the full details of the altercation as yet. They were very vague

OP posts:
2jacqi · 10/10/2023 13:22

I always said dont hit first but make sure you hit last!! My grandsons head teacher phoned me because he hit one boy, like that, who had been constantly bullying him! he was getting into trouble because he retaliated and they were not meant to do that. they were meant to tell the teacher. At that point, I asked what happens to the pupil who starts the trouble and I was told nothing!!!! Well that really riled me so I said that is the main start of bullies thinking they will always get away with it so my grandson has my blessing to do what he did!!!

MariaVT65 · 10/10/2023 13:22

Do you know if the school were aware of the bullying OP? If they were aware of it and failed to deal with the situation, they have no leg to stand on.

I was younger but the day I slapped my bully in the face was the day she left me alone for good. Nothing else worked.

JustAnotherUsey · 10/10/2023 13:23

Definitely ask what is /was being done about the child bullying him. I would ask them to deal with the whole situation and punish the bully, just not your son having enough.

But hopefully the bully will leave you son alone now!

Blueolivio · 10/10/2023 13:24

Good for him. I know we aren’t supposed to condone violence but hopefully it’ll make the bully stop. Doesn’t sound like the school have done anything to prevent it.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/10/2023 13:27

The rule for me growing up was you give a warning to anyone goading you or picking on you. After that it was fair play. That’s not to say we were allowed to go around punching people. But if it was the result of a prolonged campaign then we wouldn’t get into that much trouble at home and we’d have to accept any school punishments.

I am a dinosaur 🦕 though so different times when kids were mainly left to sort themselves out.

44PumpLane · 10/10/2023 13:27

Agree with the advice given above, understanding the context and what actions have been taken before is paramount in understanding whether you should support sanctions for your child.

My 6yo hit a boy in the face who had been tailing her and taunting her for a couple weeks at holiday club....he started calling her a "Karen" then explained to her what it meant (as she had never heard that term before), then started harassing her again.

The teachers hadn't been able to anything so when he harassed her again she hit him.....I explained to her we shouldn't hit and had a conversation with her about it all, but I refused to tell her off. To be honest I fully supported her.

The boy didn't harass her again.

kitchenhelprequired · 10/10/2023 13:27

I would recommend a conversation with DS before the school so you can get all the pertinent facts. IME the person who puts a stop to things is often held fully accountable and everything that's gone on before hand a non issue. I also think investigations happen very quickly and are never as thorough as I would want.

EvilElsa · 10/10/2023 13:28

I'd wait to here what he has to say first.
I wouldn't tell him off for defending himself against a bully. My autistic DS did at Primary School against another boy who would persistently scoot around after him and kick him in the back when they sat on the carpet. DS would move away and the kid would follow. One day DS punched him really hard in the face and the kid never did it again. While I didn't praise him I certainly didn't tell him off or punish him. DS now 16 has never hit anyone again.

JaxiiTaxii · 10/10/2023 13:31

If a bully is going to bully, they're going to eventually meet someone who punches them in the eye. Probably in the first year of high school.

If your DC is usually a normal, non-violent child who doesn't get into trouble then he's clearly been pushed to the limit and is probably really scared right now.

Look after your kid & tell him how much you love him.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 10/10/2023 13:35

Had you told the school about the bullying? If so and they tried to tell me my son was at fault I’d be telling them he wouldn’t have done it if they’d have cracked down on the bullying.
If you didn’t tell the school, now is the time to do so, tell them your son knows it’s not right to hit people but had been continually provoked, that you will have a word with him and if they put an end to the bullying you will guarantee your son won’t hit him again and then email the school with each and every incident of bullying.
When my boys were at school they were told that if they were being physically assaulted by another pupil they needed to curl into a ball and take it. I say bollocks to that! Ditto psychological bullying.
Good luck and remember whose side you are on.

RosePetals86 · 10/10/2023 13:37

I’d say well done son. Self defence is fair play to punch someone imo. Might have taught the bully a bigger lesson than the school could have done!

Seainasive · 10/10/2023 13:38

I was so pleased when my DS finally did that and told him so. The bully had it coming. I also told him to accept the punishment his school gave him without argument.

Deathbyfluffy · 10/10/2023 13:39

Good on your son. I was bullied in high school and snapped one day - the lad's parents (I'm also a man, for the record) went absolutely bonkers and wanted all sorts done about it.

The school reviewed the history, told the parents their child was entirely to blame and they need to focus on issues closer to home (ie their son being a bit of a dickhead) rather than the person he drove to punching him.

Luckily nothing much came of it, but it felt great at the time!
This was many years ago, mind. I'm in my late 30s now.

pheonixrebirth · 10/10/2023 13:41

JaxiiTaxii · 10/10/2023 13:31

If a bully is going to bully, they're going to eventually meet someone who punches them in the eye. Probably in the first year of high school.

If your DC is usually a normal, non-violent child who doesn't get into trouble then he's clearly been pushed to the limit and is probably really scared right now.

Look after your kid & tell him how much you love him.

This- and also take him for his fave dinner and get ice cream too👏👏👏

Justmuddlingalong · 10/10/2023 13:45

I would be checking how quickly the other boy's parents were called up to the school when it was your DS on the receiving end.

CantGetDecentNickname · 10/10/2023 13:47

Justmuddlingalong · 10/10/2023 13:45

I would be checking how quickly the other boy's parents were called up to the school when it was your DS on the receiving end.

This! Ask them what actions they had taken in regard to the persistent bullying your DS had been getting. Why hadn't they protected him from this?

JamSandle · 10/10/2023 13:47

To me this is self defence.

Poppyblush · 10/10/2023 13:55

Good for your son. Maybe the bullying shit bag will leave your ds alone.

Ilovecakey · 10/10/2023 13:57

I'd tell them good for him amd the other boy deserved it then treat him to something nice

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