To think it’s not true that I ‘hardly see my dc.’

[Steeringwheelwhale]

Recurring row with my mother where I feel
guilty about working or socialising.
It feels very unfair because I work full time but do my absolute best to fit it around my dc. This means I take them to school every day and I pick up three afternoons as well. I then stop work and sort dinner and the dc and then I work again between 8 and 10pm. I also start work early in the mornings.
My dc are 9 and 12 so not tiny babies.
I go out with a friend one evening a week, and I’m out the house for about three hours. Once a month I have a Saturday or Sunday out with a friend - shopping or cinema or something - usually when my own girls are at their longer dance session of a weekend.
Unusually I am out twice this week in the evening, because it is someone’s leaving do from work. I mentioned this to my mum this morning and I got the whole guilt trip about how sad it is, I might as well have not bothered having dc, how they never see me and how my youngest is so badly affected by my working and then going out ‘all the time.’

I’m so fed up with it. I run myself ragged trying to make sure my girls are the least impacted possible in terms of my work. I now feel selfish for ever leaving the house for any social reasons. My own mum went back to work two days a week when I was 16 - until then she’d been at home. It’s also true to say my parents rarely went out in the evenings, either together or separately.

It’s true that I am often racing around in the week - is it not the same in many families? My DC have me between 4pm and 8pm every weekday, one weekend evening, usually
both weekend days apart from that once a month day I have for myself. Am I really such an awful mum?

No, you're not an awful Mum. You have to work and thats that. And you need to socialise and be something outside of 'mum' for your mental health.

Are you single or are the children being left at home with their Dad? It sounds like you have a great work/life balance going on to me! Especially as you've still be able to do most of the school runs. Ignore your mum.

Your mothers life and your life are totally different. I would stop telling her anything, but if you feel you are working too many hours, is there anything you can do about that?

It seems to me that she is of the old fashioned school that says women should have kids and not go out of the house ever again. I wouldn't bother arguing because she'll never get it, just ignore her.

The truth is in the pudding, are the children well adjusted and happy?

Ignore her, mine could be a bit like this. Don't tell her as much. It's a shame but it's necessary. Sounds like you're doing a great job.
It's very important to keep friendships going. I know a lot of older ladies like your mum who lose their DH/partner and have nobody.

My DM and I have totally different parenting styles; she was busy with all sorts of stuff, there were no lifts anywhere, no money really, did my own laundry and got up on my own for school from about 12 etc. I am not like her as a mother at all. But I respect her and she respects me; your DM is totally BU to think she has the right to judge or dictate. They are your DC, it's not her business. She sounds a bit toxic. You sound like a great mum.

@barbarahunter is right Op, your DM is old school, she thinks being a Mother should be your job. If you're happy then ignore her comments, she ran her life as she wanted it and so do you. I wouldn't tell her about the evenings out then she can't bend your ear about them
.

I just want to say you are a fantastic mum! It’s a great work life balance, and more women should be like you! Mum is old school, she’s so different there’s no point to taking anything she said about you balancing your life to heart at all!

I would just tell your mum to fuck off. Honestly you sound like you have a great balance. You're providing for your children and you have a full life I Honestly thinking doing things outside f work and children is so important for mental health. I know I'm much better for it.

Well, I think it does depend on whether your children are happy, but only up to a point because it sounds to me like you're very present in their lives and your mother is batshit.

Does she complain when men work full time and have the odd evening out or hobby?

I think it depends who has your DC when you are socialising or can’t do school runs? If it’s their dad then it’s absolutely none of her business. If it’s her, that’s a different matter.

Why are you working again 8-10pm?

I disagree. Babysitting does not give the DM the right to comment on her parenting. If the DM felt she was being asked to babysit too much she could just say that and leave it there.

Presumably splitting hours so she can be present with the kids? Not unusual.

Op just stop telling her what you're doing.

My mum is 83 and always worked and had a good job, and was away for weekends with work and so on, every now and then, so she'd never think this - I'm lucky.

Your mum is very old fashioned I'm afraid.

Your mum is from a different time

You sound like my mum, who had many hobbies and a busy social life (still does).

I strongly believe it's the best thing she did for us as it showed us a) life is for living b) your life doesn't stop when you have kids and c) doing things for yourself means a happy marriage!!

Me and my siblings all kept that message and I am so grateful! It's my worst nightmare that my DD grows up and ends up like half the posters on here moaning about working and doing 100% of housework and managing the family life with only "me time" sitting in front of the telly. I want my kids to know they deserve to enjoy life and have fun and that example starts with me!

My mum is the same as yours. She was a SAHM but never interacted with us unless she absolutely had to. Guessing she thinks she parented by osmosis.

Being 'there' all the time isn't a mark of great parenting. Plus, at 9 and 11 I wouldn't have wanted my mum draped over me at all times

How do YOU feel about the balance in your life? That is all that really matters.

Who's looking after the girls each time you're out? Maybe your mum? Perhaps that's part of the problem.

Also, just ask the girls what they think!

Honestly - this isn’t something strangers on the internet can tell you without knowing you and your family. Your mum may be right or she may be wholly wrong and just stirring the pot. I think you need to consider her motivations and , as others have said, how your children actually feel about it.

I don't even necessarily think it's an "older" way of thinking, it's just ignorance. My grandmothers are 88 and 90 and always had jobs whilst I was growing up. In poorer families women have always had to work.

Ignore your mother. Be confident that you are doing what's best for you and your family. My partner and I work 4 on 4 off opposite each other. It means we don't get a lot of time together but one of us is always around for the children. I have had many a negative comment but he never has! I just think that those making the negative comments must be very miserable in their own lives!

Your mother says the youngest is so badly affected, this makes me question if the kids have said something to her. She is in a difficult position if they have because she can't breach their trust, but it does sound like the youngest might have been complaining about it. Sit down with your kids and really give them a chance to speak. Listen to what they say.

Stop telling her the minutiae of your life. She did things differently to you. Maybe she’s envious of your freedom at some level.

Unless you rely on her for childcare for all of the above she just doesn’t need to know.