To think it’s not true that I ‘hardly see my dc.’

[Steeringwheelwhale]

Recurring row with my mother where I feel
guilty about working or socialising.
It feels very unfair because I work full time but do my absolute best to fit it around my dc. This means I take them to school every day and I pick up three afternoons as well. I then stop work and sort dinner and the dc and then I work again between 8 and 10pm. I also start work early in the mornings.
My dc are 9 and 12 so not tiny babies.
I go out with a friend one evening a week, and I’m out the house for about three hours. Once a month I have a Saturday or Sunday out with a friend - shopping or cinema or something - usually when my own girls are at their longer dance session of a weekend.
Unusually I am out twice this week in the evening, because it is someone’s leaving do from work. I mentioned this to my mum this morning and I got the whole guilt trip about how sad it is, I might as well have not bothered having dc, how they never see me and how my youngest is so badly affected by my working and then going out ‘all the time.’

I’m so fed up with it. I run myself ragged trying to make sure my girls are the least impacted possible in terms of my work. I now feel selfish for ever leaving the house for any social reasons. My own mum went back to work two days a week when I was 16 - until then she’d been at home. It’s also true to say my parents rarely went out in the evenings, either together or separately.

It’s true that I am often racing around in the week - is it not the same in many families? My DC have me between 4pm and 8pm every weekday, one weekend evening, usually
both weekend days apart from that once a month day I have for myself. Am I really such an awful mum?

Definitely ignore her.

Tell her about me for the last 6 months I've been working away from home 3 days a week, I drop older two to their bus on a Monday and I'm back on Wednesday evening.

I miss them but I'm massively the main earner so 🤷‍♀️

Your mother sounds like a cow.

It sounds like you are doing fine. Just stop talking to her about your life. It’s jealousy of your freedoms, or a feeling that your life is a criticism of hers. You can never win this stuff.

And they will be perfectly fine.

Unless I missed it you haven't mentioned who is looking after the kids?

It all sounds a bit dramatic, mine are the same age and have after school clubs, eldest goes out with his mates most evenings and comes home when he’s hungry

Ignore. Your mother has had her go at raising children and now it's your turn.

Sounds like she doesn't have enough to do herself if she has time to comment.

I recall reorganising work so I could be with my dc

Ad hoc SE that was full on and pretty well paid, but gave me loads of time

Once a week I’d go out after work as it was easier to go from there and every time my boss would say don’t you see your dc

Annoying!

yanbu

We live in a different world nowadays with different opportunities, pressures and expectations. Of course most young children would prefer their mum to be around all the time, but they can't see the whole picture at that age.

OP, you sound as if you’ve internalised some strongly misogynistic messages about working mothers being anomalous. I have an 11 year old, work FT and go out regularly in the evening and at weekends, like every mother I know. It’s never occurred to me that there’s anything either unusual or blameworthy about this. I have a child, I adore him, and I absolutely centre his welfare, but that’s not all I am.

Very unkind of your mother.

See less of her, tell her even less again.

Why some mothers need to guilt their daughters is beyond me.

Shut it down, firmly.

people seem to think that once you have kids your life stops. You have worked out the perfect balance in your life and if it works for you and the children, then that’s all that should matter.

My mum can be like this too, constantly tells me how much I have going on, how am I coping because I work and have children, with thinly veiled disapproval. She was a sahm and has difficulty seeing anything from other peoples perspective. She just makes me feel more stressed with her comments though, she’s not supportive or helpful so now I try to avoid her.

Stop telling your mum everything, she doesn’t need to know.

Do you have a husband? Is she just as concerned assuming he also works and socialises?

She is either jealous because she didn't have much of a life outside of her children or she is defensive about her own choices because you have made different choices.

Would you honestly be concerned if it was your son?

There is nothing at all wrong with seeing friends or doing things you enjoy. Ignore every pressure to put yourself last, and go without. It’s ok to put yourself first now and again. I would not confront, grey rock and say very little about what I do.

Well if your kids are at school all day then you don't need to be sitting at home waiting for them so yes its right that you're using that time to work and earn money. They can't miss quality time with you if they are at school! You do majority of drop off and pick ups anyway. In the evening you've spent time with them, Im sure they have homework etc to do so its not like they don't get any evening time if you're only out socialising once of twice an evening.

On the weekends any socialising you do you seem to do it when they are doing some class so again its not like they are missing out time with you.

Your mum is being ridiculous

I sometimes think it's jealousy. My Mum was the same, I think she resented me quite a bit as she was forced into being a sahp (her employee sacked her when she told them she was pregnant), it was also the 'done thing' to have dc and I've never been convinced she wanted children.

She saw me continue to work when I had dc, I also have a good social life and had hobbies. She was always having a pop at me for similar things your dm is. But I think it came from jealousy as I was living the life she wanted to but never got the opportunity to.

Your mum might be envious that she didn't have these opportunities and it's coming out in an unfortunate way.

Your mother is ridiculous. You manage to do most of the pick ups and drop offs and go out (horrors!) once a week and once a month when they are already busy doing their own thing. Presumably the children have a father who is…equally responsible for their care and well being. It’s not exactly like you’re leaving a 3 month old home alone. My husband and I would laugh in the face of anyone who queried me going out twice a week and one weekend morning, as he also gets to do the same, and our daughter loves the one to one time with both of us. Parenting doesn’t rely on the endless presence of the mother. Enjoy your time to yourself and carry on modelling balanced shared parenting to your children.

You sound like my wife and she is a fantastic mother, yes is also constantly worrying if she is going a good enough job. Times have changed since our parents had us, hard these days to manage without both parents working.

I think your mum is just jealous that you have a life and a career as well as being a mum. A lot of the older generation were either guilted into being a full time mum or had no choice. Don't let it bother you. It sounds like you're bossing it and have some time for yourself too. As long as you and your kids are happy then carry on. You're setting a great example for your kids.

You’re managing brilliantly and juggling better than I ever managed. You are a great example to your kids. I hope you’re not burnt out!