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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not true that I ‘hardly see my dc.’

98 replies

Steeringwheelwhale · 10/10/2023 11:21

Recurring row with my mother where I feel
guilty about working or socialising.
It feels very unfair because I work full time but do my absolute best to fit it around my dc. This means I take them to school every day and I pick up three afternoons as well. I then stop work and sort dinner and the dc and then I work again between 8 and 10pm. I also start work early in the mornings.
My dc are 9 and 12 so not tiny babies.
I go out with a friend one evening a week, and I’m out the house for about three hours. Once a month I have a Saturday or Sunday out with a friend - shopping or cinema or something - usually when my own girls are at their longer dance session of a weekend.
Unusually I am out twice this week in the evening, because it is someone’s leaving do from work. I mentioned this to my mum this morning and I got the whole guilt trip about how sad it is, I might as well have not bothered having dc, how they never see me and how my youngest is so badly affected by my working and then going out ‘all the time.’

I’m so fed up with it. I run myself ragged trying to make sure my girls are the least impacted possible in terms of my work. I now feel selfish for ever leaving the house for any social reasons. My own mum went back to work two days a week when I was 16 - until then she’d been at home. It’s also true to say my parents rarely went out in the evenings, either together or separately.

It’s true that I am often racing around in the week - is it not the same in many families? My DC have me between 4pm and 8pm every weekday, one weekend evening, usually
both weekend days apart from that once a month day I have for myself. Am I really such an awful mum?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 10/10/2023 13:38

TookTheBook · 10/10/2023 11:30

Are you single or are the children being left at home with their Dad? It sounds like you have a great work/life balance going on to me! Especially as you've still be able to do most of the school runs. Ignore your mum.

This. Needs must. Many Mums have to work full time now. Your Mum may have never needed to or wanted to.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 10/10/2023 13:39

You're Mum is being ridiculous.

I work full time, as does DH. I am also out 2 evenings a week and one weekend morning. Yet somehow my kids have survived because they realise Mum has a life outside of just being MUM.

Bet your Mum wouldnt say the same about your kids Dad.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 10/10/2023 13:45

I guess you first need to figure out why she's saying this. Is she saying it because your dd has communicated to her something that she can't find a way of telling you? If so it's irrelevent whether you think you're doing enough, you need to have a heart to heart with dd and reach a solution together. It could be a case of she'd benefit from more quality interaction rather than you giving things up if that makes sense

Is she actually saying she's being put upon too much to babysit? If so you need to find alternative childcare.

Is she just being a windup merchant/saying callous things without actually thinking about what she's saying or how it'll affect you. My Grandma was a lot like this and from experience all you can do is ignore it or tell her to pipe down if it's getting out of hand.

You need to figure out what she's actually trying to communicate and take a really good look at your dd and make sure there's nothing they wish they could say IMO

Fingeronthebutton · 10/10/2023 13:49

I think your mother is showing her little green monster. She’s jealous of your life.

Wilkolampshade · 10/10/2023 13:50

I was around all the bloody time for mine. I love them both, but tbh, it nearly killed me and I'm not sure we wouldn't all have been happier if I had been more fulfilled outside the home. We would certainly have been richer.
You sound like you're doing a great job OP. Your mum really doesn't have the right to say stuff like that.

bigdecisionstomake · 10/10/2023 13:51

Haven't rtft so apologies if someone has already said this... but I bet no-one says things like this to the DCs' father.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/10/2023 13:57

Your mum is completely wrong. And also unsupportive. If she really thought that and was worried about the kids, she could ask if you feel OK with being that busy, she could volunteer to help you, either spend quality time with the kids if she thinks they're missing out on that, or some logistics of your life (eg picking them up from school if she thinks after school clubs are the devil's work). But instead she is criticising you from the sidelines. I think the question you should be asking is 'why is my mum so critical of me', and 'why am I letting it get to me'

NnarcissaMalfoy · 10/10/2023 14:01

I agree with pp who say this could be motivated by unconscious envy. She is seeing that it's possible to have children AND a career AND a social life and it may be bringing it home to her that she missed out on important parts of life. Not an easy thing to reckon with, especially in later years when the knowledge that we only get one life is brought into sharper focus. To avoid the painful dissonance she then doubles down on her belief that it is necessary to sacrifice work and socialising for kids and thus has a go at you. I wouldn't take it personally, as pp said unless this is coming from your children you're doing nothing wrong.

Mamatolittleboy · 10/10/2023 14:04

Sounds like you have a good work life balance. Going to work isn’t your “break” or time to be “social”.

ToastMarmalade · 10/10/2023 14:12

Honestly? I think your mums words were harsh, but if you were my daughter I would be concerned, it sounds very hectic. I know there are advantages too but it does sound like the balance is off key.

I’m not blaming you, as mothers we get all of the blame! You are not being lazy, you are just running around a lot.

I’d be concerned about you, I know you say it’s not possible not to run around so much, but I think if you gave yourself time to step back from your life there could be a better way. Or just drop something. Your kids are going into teenagehood and they will be away before you know it.

Fionaville · 10/10/2023 14:12

I'd ask your kids how they feel. My DD is 10. She has friends in different circumstances and I'm close with their mums.
One friend, her mum is a career woman and has a busy social life. But she Co parents with her ex. Her DD is very happy with no complaints.
DDs other friend, her mum is similar to the first, but her ex is useless. Her DD says things to me like "I wish I lived in your house. My mum doesn't care, she's always busy and going out" (I obviously counter this as much as I can)
So, the only people who can answer your question is your daughters. Not your mum and not mumsnet.

nomoremsniceperson · 10/10/2023 14:28

It sounds like you are there plenty for your kids. 4 hours every weekday and most of the weekend in the evening is way more than I ever got to see my parents!

GoodOldEmmaNess · 10/10/2023 14:31

No you are not an awful mum. You have to work, as do many many other mums. And taking an evening and an occasional weekend day out for yourself almost certainly makes you a better parent than you would be if you ran yourself ragged without any time out at all.
Even if it didn't make you a better parent, it would still be the right thing to do - you are important. Your needs are important.
So I guess the issue is not your parenting but how best to manage the recurring row with your mum.

If she is generally kinder and more reasonable than her behaviour in this respect suggests, I would try comassionately to put her remarks down to anxious and fretful love for her grandchildren. I would make time for a kind-but-firm chat about how you really do not want this issue to be coming up again and again.

Tell her that the amount of time you spend with DCs is naturally something that you care very much about, think very hard about, and make sensible decisions about, and that therefore you do not need her constant input on the subject.

Tell her that you have heard her views and understand where she is coming from but that these views do not need to be repeated every single time something comes up that triggers the issue in your mum's mind.

ZombieGirl86 · 10/10/2023 19:09

It's healthy that the kids see you work and socialise your a mum but your not only a mum. You still deserve to live your life and have happiness outside if just being a mum.

PermanentTemporary · 10/10/2023 19:20

My view is that the single best thing any loving parent can do for a child of school age upwards is to model getting up every day and going to work; and to model having your own life.

Say you don't agree and change the subject.

Crafthead · 10/10/2023 22:57

At 12 they see you as a sort of personal taxi cum cashpoint cum maid and get emotional.support from their mates & the 9 year old won't be far behind. And then they'll leave home & you'll be struggling to fill the time if you don't start getting your routine in order now.
I was like you when my kids were those ages, though I never picked them up from school and I mostly drove them to activities where I got my laptop out and worked whilst they danced/swam/martial arted/gymnasted/played drums/ acted etc.
Both are well-adjusted employed adults who love their mum. You're fine. Your mum is expressing some regret of her own here, whether it's lack of time to herself or a career or a good relationship with adult children. Ignore.

MamaBear4ever · 11/10/2023 12:33

We are expected to do it all and then criticised when we do. Sounds like you are making it work for you and the children so tell anyone else to butt out their opinions don't matter

Sennelier1 · 11/10/2023 18:11

I think it's horrible others thinking they have a say in how you manage your family. If your girls are happy and healthy,I really don't see a problem in your schedule.

Tillie12 · 11/10/2023 19:07

It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job.
she’s got very old fashioned views. I’d just politely decline to discuss it with her as they’re no her children

Mememe9898 · 11/10/2023 19:11

You can’t please everyone. We all choose different things. My mum didn’t work and was pretty much a SAHM my whole childhood except for some short term stints in an office job. Yes it was great having her around but it also means that I wasn’t as independent in some areas until I left home and moved half way across the world.
For my kids, they barely see us in the weekday as they are at school from 8-6 and then when they get home I’m cooking, tidying up etc… then its bedtime around 7.30-9pm.
But I do make sure I spend my weekends with them and I barely go out in the evening but a couple of time a weeks is fine but most of the time I’m too tired to bother. On the plus side we are financially comfortable so can do most kid activities without worrying about the costs - within reason of course.
Your mum will have a different view because she’s done it diffently but it doesn’t mean her way is better. It’s just different.

Montegufoni2017 · 11/10/2023 19:40

To me, it sounds as if you have nailed it!
you have a job that means you can do majority of school drop off/picks ups, friends that you see regularly, cooking family dinners, getting out once a month. I bet you’re more a present Mum than most because you take time for some self care. Throw in a monthly massage and it sounds just like mine! 😊 And I am happy, rested, bills are paid, child loved, not resentful of my husband etc.
Mums that don’t take any time are the ones that burn out!
Your Mum sounds old school and traditional. (And a tad mean 😞)

Ibizamumof4 · 11/10/2023 20:06

Agree with all the posters on here also they are 9 and 12 getting towards or in the stage of been a bit more independent

SpatulasArentSpoons · 11/10/2023 20:20

It's really tough doing this - I do it too - where you feel like you're working all the time and being pulled in 20 directions. I just wanted to say I'm sorry your mum isn't supportive, you sound like you're doing a good job to me :)

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 11/10/2023 20:39

Steeringwheelwhale · 10/10/2023 11:21

Recurring row with my mother where I feel
guilty about working or socialising.
It feels very unfair because I work full time but do my absolute best to fit it around my dc. This means I take them to school every day and I pick up three afternoons as well. I then stop work and sort dinner and the dc and then I work again between 8 and 10pm. I also start work early in the mornings.
My dc are 9 and 12 so not tiny babies.
I go out with a friend one evening a week, and I’m out the house for about three hours. Once a month I have a Saturday or Sunday out with a friend - shopping or cinema or something - usually when my own girls are at their longer dance session of a weekend.
Unusually I am out twice this week in the evening, because it is someone’s leaving do from work. I mentioned this to my mum this morning and I got the whole guilt trip about how sad it is, I might as well have not bothered having dc, how they never see me and how my youngest is so badly affected by my working and then going out ‘all the time.’

I’m so fed up with it. I run myself ragged trying to make sure my girls are the least impacted possible in terms of my work. I now feel selfish for ever leaving the house for any social reasons. My own mum went back to work two days a week when I was 16 - until then she’d been at home. It’s also true to say my parents rarely went out in the evenings, either together or separately.

It’s true that I am often racing around in the week - is it not the same in many families? My DC have me between 4pm and 8pm every weekday, one weekend evening, usually
both weekend days apart from that once a month day I have for myself. Am I really such an awful mum?

Sounds to me like your mum is jealous because you're managing to 'have it all'.

If it works for you and your kids, carry on and tell your mother to feck off

Anna79ishere · 11/10/2023 21:09

You are really having a great life, work, socialising and time with your daughters. This will bring a lot of envy from SAHP who are frustrated by their life. I guess your mum more or less consciounsly was and now that you are showing her it can be possible find something to justify her choices.
you are also being a role model for your daughters and your mum obviously was not.
ignore her and keep on living such a great life!