Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not true that I ‘hardly see my dc.’

98 replies

Steeringwheelwhale · 10/10/2023 11:21

Recurring row with my mother where I feel
guilty about working or socialising.
It feels very unfair because I work full time but do my absolute best to fit it around my dc. This means I take them to school every day and I pick up three afternoons as well. I then stop work and sort dinner and the dc and then I work again between 8 and 10pm. I also start work early in the mornings.
My dc are 9 and 12 so not tiny babies.
I go out with a friend one evening a week, and I’m out the house for about three hours. Once a month I have a Saturday or Sunday out with a friend - shopping or cinema or something - usually when my own girls are at their longer dance session of a weekend.
Unusually I am out twice this week in the evening, because it is someone’s leaving do from work. I mentioned this to my mum this morning and I got the whole guilt trip about how sad it is, I might as well have not bothered having dc, how they never see me and how my youngest is so badly affected by my working and then going out ‘all the time.’

I’m so fed up with it. I run myself ragged trying to make sure my girls are the least impacted possible in terms of my work. I now feel selfish for ever leaving the house for any social reasons. My own mum went back to work two days a week when I was 16 - until then she’d been at home. It’s also true to say my parents rarely went out in the evenings, either together or separately.

It’s true that I am often racing around in the week - is it not the same in many families? My DC have me between 4pm and 8pm every weekday, one weekend evening, usually
both weekend days apart from that once a month day I have for myself. Am I really such an awful mum?

OP posts:
Equimum · 10/10/2023 12:29

I don't think your mother is necessarily correct, but I suspect items a perspective thing. I've always been a SAHM but started a course that means I am unable to collect the kids two nights a week or drop them to school another day. I also end up studying in the evenings. To me, it now feels like I am never here for them. So I'm wondering whether you're mum's view is based on her experience of being a parent who was able to be at home more often.

dottiedodah · 10/10/2023 12:30

She sounds like shes a bit envious TBH! Women today are allowed a life beyond the home /family.Just tell her DC are fine and you need a bit of time to yourself .

Shybutnotretiring · 10/10/2023 12:32

My mother is like this. Do you think that what your mother really wants is admiration/gratitude for having been a stay at home mother (this is the conclusion I have come to about mine)?

YellowMeeple · 10/10/2023 12:32

I had comments like that for years from my mum who was a SAHM during the primary years. (I didn’t really socialise but had a full on job with evening/travel commitments once a week or so). I think it came down to her feeling she had sacrificed a lot for her kids and by making different choices myself, I was implying, those sacrifices were pointless.

Assuming the issue isn’t one of childcare then you need to make the choices that are right for your family and there are pluses and minuses to both approaches.

nibblessquibbles · 10/10/2023 12:35

When I split up with my ex I fretted about how much time I would spend with DC (50/50 custody). My therapist who was also a child therapist said it's not the volume of time but the quality of time. So if you are present and not on phone or laptop all the time when you are with them then you are doing fine. The hours don't accumulate like a tally of coins in a bank ... it's what you when you are with them. I don't mean big fancy stuff, but are you listening to them, engaged with them etc

Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 12:38

Who is with your children while you are out.

CuteCillian · 10/10/2023 12:42

I think it is ideal that your DP has quality time with their DC. In previous generations I think many saw children as the mothers 'job', but now most couples want equal family time.

SummerDawn2000 · 10/10/2023 12:43

You are not an awful mum Op. not even close.

sounds like you spend quality time with your DDs.

there’s one thing being a SAHP but believing it is better and selfish to work is extreme privilege.

she is being crass, entitled and privileged to force and weaponise her views against you.

she was in an extremely privileged position. Your poor dad having the weight of being the bread winner on his shoulders.

my mum worked unsociable hours but part time. She had to. She couldn’t leave all the bill paying for my Dad. IMO that is selfish.

Newmumatlast · 10/10/2023 12:44

Given the ages of the children I dont understand her issue as theyre at school most of the time you are in work, you're able to drop them each morning unlike a lot of workers and are able to pick them up several times a week. You are with them before bedtime and work when they are asleep. If you're out in the week theyre likely in bed at that point. I dont understand the issue and hope she is giving your partner shit aswell and at least being equal in her unreasonableness

KT1112 · 10/10/2023 12:44

YANBU - wouldnt let me vote 😂

As a previous poster said, if you're relying on her for childcare and she feels its too much for her/doesnt want to help - she can say no. Outside of that its not her business. Your children sound happy and healthy and loved.

Purplefriends · 10/10/2023 12:46

Your mum is justifying her own history.

Tell her this topic is off limits.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/10/2023 12:47

Your mother chose not to work or socialise but to invest all her time and resources into her children. She may have felt this was necessary to raise happy children, or she may not have had much of a career or social life to give up and so it suited her - either way she sees you doing things differently, sees that you are enjoying life, and needs to justify to herself why she made the choices she made.

If she really put her children first she wouldn't reassure herself out loud, to you, that her decision and not yours was the right one.

Cowlover89 · 10/10/2023 12:47

Ignore her. You're a great mam! X

laveritable · 10/10/2023 12:47

Why are you telling your mum?

How often does she help?

Pollyputthekettleonha · 10/10/2023 12:53

I don't think you will win this one with your Mum so you should just ignore her and avoid telling her what you are up to. I think she just wants you to be a SAHM like she was. Your children are at school in the day and when they are not you are with them, picking up, doing dinner etc . There's not much more you can do there.
You could not go out with your friend but yes they're probably in bed or on the way to bed during that so not much time lost with them. When you socialise at a weekend they are at a dance class which I presume they enjoy doing and is not a hardship! As I said you can't win, as long as your kids are happy ignore.

GCSister · 10/10/2023 12:54

Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 12:38

Who is with your children while you are out.

Why does that matter?

Chickpea17 · 10/10/2023 12:54

Don't listen to your mother. If you really that bothered ask your children if they'd like to spend more time with you when you get your answer.

Namedmyself · 10/10/2023 13:01

Sounds normal to me for this generation, I think your mums generation was a little different in terms of being able to be a stay at home mum, being more available to your family: partner

ToadOnTheHill · 10/10/2023 13:02

Is her problem your socialising or is it that she feels put upon?

Is she doing pick up 2x nights a week and weekly and monthly weekend babysitting?

IncompleteSenten · 10/10/2023 13:03

Oh mum, are you offering to pay my bills so I don't have to work in order to feed, clothes and house my kids? That's so kind of you. I'll text you my bank details.

Serenity45 · 10/10/2023 13:05

Honestly? Only based on a small bit of info but your mum sounds like a bit of a cow. Literally none of her business unless there's a massive backstory / she does all the babysitting / something else. Why the fuck can't she just say "Oooh lovely, where are you going? Have a lovely time". Instead she wants to suck the enjoyment out of it for you - is this a common theme with her?

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/10/2023 13:13

Stressfordays · 10/10/2023 11:28

No, you're not an awful Mum. You have to work and thats that. And you need to socialise and be something outside of 'mum' for your mental health.

She wouldn't be an awful mum even if she didn't "have to" work but chose to do so.

Graciebobcat · 10/10/2023 13:26

GCSister · 10/10/2023 12:54

Why does that matter?

Show quote history

Exactly. Reminds me of when I used to go to a running club on a Saturday morning for an hour or so's run. There were one or two women who were like "Who's got the kids then?" and were apparently astonished that DH would look after his own children for an hour or two😕

Sunnymummy8 · 10/10/2023 13:34

I have voted Yanbu.. you’re not.. it appears you’re trying your best to be mum, employee and yourself. Personally I couldn’t spend that much time away from my kids.. but that is personal preference.

SaracensMavericks · 10/10/2023 13:37

Ignore your mum. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong.