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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member extreme views

80 replies

bitkale · 10/10/2023 01:10

I have a family member who seems to buy into a lot of conspiracy theories/ extreme views. For example is an antivaxxer, follows Andrew Tate, believes we should all be allowed to own guns, all drugs should be legalised, doesn't believe that racism should be challenged (basically thinks it's fine if people are racist).

He is just so extreme about everything that you can't even have a conversation with him.

He recently went to hospital and gave a fake name because he was is so utterly paranoid about anyone having any information about him. He has a huge mistrust of the UK government.

He had some treatment and did give them his real address and he got a letter asking for payment (because the fake name he gave was not a UK resident). He was just laughing about it.

How do I even continue a relationship with someone like this? He is so extreme, I don't know what to do. AIBU to just distance from him even though I care about him? Is there any way to talk to someone who seems to be basically brainwashed?

OP posts:
Fredflinstoneswife · 10/10/2023 01:27

"He has a huge mistrust of the UK government."

Sounds like he is wiser than you give him credit for.

jlpth · 10/10/2023 01:29

I would distance yourself.

Hermittrismegistus · 10/10/2023 01:33

Has he always been like this? He could potentially be quite mentally unwell.

I'd keep at a distance but maintain low level contact (quick call once per month or so).

therealcookiemonster · 10/10/2023 01:49

Hermittrismegistus · 10/10/2023 01:33

Has he always been like this? He could potentially be quite mentally unwell.

I'd keep at a distance but maintain low level contact (quick call once per month or so).

I was just about to say this....

but if no mental health issues, just distance yourself. is that possible?

Original poster
bitkale · 10/10/2023 08:44

@Hermittrismegistus @therealcookiemonster I think he is definitely mentally unwell, yes. He's also narcissistic and will never, ever admit that there is anything wrong with him or accept any form of help, certainly not therapy or medication of any kind. The rest of the world has the problem. He's very angry most of the time and verbally abusive to everyone.

I live far away from him so I can distance myself although he'll always be at family gatherings and to be honest I do worry about him but I feel there's nothing I can really do with him being the way he is. I feel quite helpless.

OP posts:
Original poster
bitkale · 10/10/2023 08:58

Fredflinstoneswife · 10/10/2023 01:27

"He has a huge mistrust of the UK government."

Sounds like he is wiser than you give him credit for.

Is it normal to have mistrust to the level that you will not give the NHS your real name when you go in for emergency treatment?

OP posts:
FOJN · 10/10/2023 09:05

How close is the relationship? The distance makes its sound "arms length".

How often are you interacting with him directly that his extreme views are causing you so much worry?

seafronty · 10/10/2023 09:05

@Fredflinstoneswife Do you think it is the same between not trusting the Tories with the NHS, and thinking that the government's of the world are colluding to smash up their citizens? What a very strange way to think.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 10/10/2023 09:10

I would be concerned that he could end up hurting or killing someone.

Musomama1 · 10/10/2023 09:12

I think post-Covid, conspiracy theories and the like have become almost mainstream, this is definitely his time! A good friend of mine was into all of this anti Vax stuff over COVID, I thought she was crazy, but now so many people feel the same.

There's an anti trust of what is now call the 'mainstream narrative' and I think some of that is actually justified - but you can really go down a rabbit hole and his views of gun ownership etc are a bit much imo.

Maybe just view him as your eccentric and sometimes not nice relative. You care about him and I definitely think you can have a relationship with others with wildly different opinions, I think people are way too quick to cut others off if they think 'controversially' or if they 'offend them'.

CalistoNoSolo · 10/10/2023 09:14

I couldn't have anything to do with anyone who listens that rapey fucker Tate. That alone is enough to go no contact and tell him exactly why. Mental health problems don't make you a cunt.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 10/10/2023 09:23

I'm confused how he gave a 'fake' name to the NHS and they knew it was a non UK resident? Did they just assume that because they found no record and took it to be legit or did he actually use someone else's real name and date of birth?

Serious question, could anyone just turn up at a hospital requiring tretament and give someone else's details without question?

Original poster
bitkale · 10/10/2023 09:31

@Findingmypurposeinlife He gave a fake name that does not exist and I assume they took him at his word and thought that it was non UK.
He said he 'accidentally' gave his real address and he received a bill for the diagnostic and treatment. That's all I know, I didn't pry any further because by that point he was off on a massive rant about the NHS!

OP posts:
ActDottie · 10/10/2023 09:37

Just distance yourself I have no time for people like this in my life so I cut them out

Original poster
bitkale · 10/10/2023 09:42

@Musomama1 Thanks for that considered reply. You're right that these things have become even worse since Covid, although to be honest he was already like this before and has been since his teens (he's mid/late 20's now).

I am always grappling with exactly what you say about having a relationship with someone with wildly different views. I think it's possible too although of course with him, some of those views are extremely unpleasant, and most interactions are an argument - he actually takes delight in arguments and seeing people upset and riled up.

I do think underneath it all he is very unwell and very unhappy, but it comes out with such aggression and force that it is really unpleasant to be around him. I still love him though.

It's just very difficult, I feel there is no way for him to get better or to be happy, it makes me really sad for him.

OP posts:
MozzaSticksAndMarinara · 10/10/2023 09:44

bitkale · 10/10/2023 08:44

@Hermittrismegistus @therealcookiemonster I think he is definitely mentally unwell, yes. He's also narcissistic and will never, ever admit that there is anything wrong with him or accept any form of help, certainly not therapy or medication of any kind. The rest of the world has the problem. He's very angry most of the time and verbally abusive to everyone.

I live far away from him so I can distance myself although he'll always be at family gatherings and to be honest I do worry about him but I feel there's nothing I can really do with him being the way he is. I feel quite helpless.

The rest of the world has the problem. He's very angry most of the time and verbally abusive to everyone.

A classmate of mine from uni has fallen into this rabbit hole. He is basically homebound now and spends every waking moment on YouTube or TikTok or Reddit or Instagram scrolling through posts about how the world is a terrible place. Recently, he's been obsessed with the idea that women find 80% of men unattractive, and has been linking Reddit posts about it in the alumni Discord group. Everyone usually ignores him when he goes on these rants but he thinks we've all just been brainwashed.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 10/10/2023 09:45

Also, not agreeing with his behaviour, but could something have happened that triggered this (Possibly something you may be unaware of?)

You don't mention their age, but have these extreme views always been evident or something which has developed over a period of time? Are they only discussed in private i.e. around family members, or are they openly vocal?

(When behaviours are concerning and even if you are adamant he is definitely mentally unwell, unless you have had an formal diagnosis by someone qualified, you can't just label him as being so. If there is cause for concern, hopefully he will get help either voluntarily or with support. Otherwise, unfortunately, there can often be a serious escalation before any real intervention takes place)
Is there someone in the family that they trust who can keep an eye on things?

Catsmere · 10/10/2023 09:47

However you feel about him, OP, he's not your responsibility. He's an adult, and tbh sounds like a pretty poisonous one, whatever the reasons. I'd avoid him completely for my own wellbeing if I were you.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 10/10/2023 09:49

Apologies, saw you mentioned his age etc. only after I already posted!

icallitasplodge · 10/10/2023 09:51

It’s black and white thinking. There is a truth in some of it which is what makes it so inviting. But the wackos go all in.

Original poster
bitkale · 10/10/2023 09:53

@MozzaSticksAndMarinara Sounds very similar. The thing about finding 80% of men unattractive sounds like an Incel narrative.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 10/10/2023 09:54

Fredflinstoneswife · 10/10/2023 01:27

"He has a huge mistrust of the UK government."

Sounds like he is wiser than you give him credit for.

This!!

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 09:54

Hermittrismegistus · 10/10/2023 01:33

Has he always been like this? He could potentially be quite mentally unwell.

I'd keep at a distance but maintain low level contact (quick call once per month or so).

This.

Original poster
bitkale · 10/10/2023 09:57

@Findingmypurposeinlife He's vocal with anyone who will listen, he doesn't care.

Ironically, I am qualified in a mental health field and I know that there is something wrong with him. Of course, I haven't 'armchair diagnosed' him, but I know him well enough to know that there are multiple issues. My view is that I think he woudl benefit from seeing a psychiatrist and a lot of therapy, but he will never have it.

He will not get help and really it's kind of impossible to 'keep an eye' on things because he will not accept any kind of input from anyone, family or not. He basically storms in and we have to take him as he comes or not see him. We could not see him but if we did that he would be even more isolated and vulnerable.

OP posts:
Evermean · 10/10/2023 10:01

Fredflinstoneswife · 10/10/2023 01:27

"He has a huge mistrust of the UK government."

Sounds like he is wiser than you give him credit for.

Not sure any kind of Andrew Tate supporter could be described as wise.