Family member extreme views

[bitkale]

I have a family member who seems to buy into a lot of conspiracy theories/ extreme views. For example is an antivaxxer, follows Andrew Tate, believes we should all be allowed to own guns, all drugs should be legalised, doesn't believe that racism should be challenged (basically thinks it's fine if people are racist).

He is just so extreme about everything that you can't even have a conversation with him.

He recently went to hospital and gave a fake name because he was is so utterly paranoid about anyone having any information about him. He has a huge mistrust of the UK government.

He had some treatment and did give them his real address and he got a letter asking for payment (because the fake name he gave was not a UK resident). He was just laughing about it.

How do I even continue a relationship with someone like this? He is so extreme, I don't know what to do. AIBU to just distance from him even though I care about him? Is there any way to talk to someone who seems to be basically brainwashed?

I could grit my teeth through most stuff for a close family member in small doses. But an Andrew Tate supporter? Absolutely no way, a woman hating, rapist? Fuck that!

@Mamai90 There have been times I have had to leave the room.
There is really no point arguing with him because he shouts you down and takes pleasure in doing so. He is not capable of listening.

I wouldn't say that either "He has a huge mistrust of the UK government." nor "all drugs should be legalised" are extreme views, but there's plenty else on the list that is.

How old is he? Does he work, go to school/college/uni? What do his (real-life, not online) friends/colleagues/etc think about him and his views?

Yes this part sounds pretty sane to me!

Again, do you mistrust the government to the extent that you would not give the NHS your real name because you are paranoid that they will somehow get your health reords and use them against you?

This is not a normal, healthy mistrust we are talking about (which I agree is fine and understandable). This is extreme.

Sounds as if he’s a cousin/ nephew type of relative in which case I’d keep very low contact and say hello and goodbye but not much else. I’d be concerned for his closer family though.

If I’ve misunderstood and he’s your own brother or child then that’s incredibly difficult.

Do you know where this might have come from?

Is he socially isolated? Very anxious generally? History of drug use?

He is probably unwell. If you can't help him, avoid his company.

@MatildaTheCat It's my brother.

@JamSandle I don't know to be honest. It's probably a very complex array of factors. I don't think it can be explained away by me saying it's probably X or Y thing from his past, because there will be thousands who have that same experience who haven't turned out like him. We had a good, stable childhood but everyone has their own 'stuff' don't they.

Sadly there is very little that you can do to help. He thinks he is right and does not trust any services etc. You have to look after yourself and your own well being. I would distant myself massively. Send the odd email/text keep it very light and chatty. At functions a quick hello and goodbye. The sad thing is you are not able to change him or his views and sadly he is choosing to be isolated and lonely.

Are your parents still alive? if so, what do they make of the situation? It must be very hard for them.

@5foot5 I don't want to say too much about them to be honest in case it becomes outing. But yes - family get togethers are generally hard work for everyone.

In emergency the NHS will treat anyone who turns up at a and e needing treatment and will admit to a ward and treat the current illness/injury.
It is later when continuing care/gp/ funding crops up.It will be found that there is not an nhs number associated with that name and date of birth so will get passed on to overseas to investigate.
In your shoes I would go low key - just say hello every so often

Does he still live at home? I'd be concerned for your parents having to deal with this.

If he enjoys riling you all up so he can then preach his favourite topic perhap you could all change how you react so more of 'oh you know we differ' and subject change.

It's sad to feel so paranoid that may risk own health by not giving NHS access to your records. Does he work?

You wouldn’t accept this behaviour from anyone else, so why are you accepting it from him? Being your brother shouldn’t be reason to have to continue such a toxic relationship. You don’t enjoy spending time with him, he’s negative and holds some very sinister views. So what’s the point of sticking around? Distance yourself from him and protect your mental health.

Maybe he had treatment at the hospital under a different name so it wouldn't be recorded on his own medical notes. There might be actual reasons for this (not wanting to disclose on insurance docs etc for example)

Not saying its legal, but that alone doesn't necessarily indicate a mental health issue.

I can relate as I have a couple of close relatives like this, plus a close friend of mine too.

You wouldn't believe some of the stuff they have come out with over the years and one of them loves nothing more than to get on their soapbox and force their opinion.

I agree with you mental health is a factor for these fixations, and then also for going further and pushing them onto someone else. But it sounds like you are asking for help with how you can keep your relationship which I admire you for rather than asking should I cut them off.

I just rant to my DH privately! Yeah it's hard, but it would be way harder to cut off my family and friend completely.

Oh I feel your pain, my parents are conspiracy theorists, anti EU crusaders, hate immigrants (I married one, they loved that) anti BBC, and anti government. They can't stand anyone having different views and will push and push you to dance to their tune.

Keep conversation light and short, don't feed their bollocks and run for the hills at family holidays!!

I don’t trust the U.K. government in that I think they are mostly out to make themselves rich but aren’t generally plotting and scheming massive conspiracy theories.

what you are describing is an extreme level of paranoia. The only friend I had with that level of paranoia was diagnosed schizophrenic. You could not argue with her. obviously not saying that’s the case here, but he sounds incredibly unwell.

Recently, he's been obsessed with the idea that women find 80% of men unattractive, and has been linking Reddit posts about it in the alumni Discord group. Everyone usually ignores him when he goes on these rants but he thinks we've all just been brainwashed.

Only 80%? Why on earth would women find as many as 20% of men attractive? I think there are quite a lot of nice looking men ( a lot les than 20%) but only a very tiny fraction would I ever actually fancy, like 0.1% I'd say.

You can’t change him at all. Personally I would limit contact.

Either don’t attend big family get togethers or just go for an hour or 2. If he says anything controversial just grey rock, make your excuses and leave.

do you know the grey rock technique?

Are other family members feeling the same about him? Are you able to suggest a meet up that doesn’t involve him?

He is entitled to his views just as your entitled not to listen to him spout them
Just refuse to ever be in his company

Hes not the sharpest tool in the box, is he? A fake name but his real address? What a prat. I would try and reduce the amount of time you spend interacting with him because he sounds thick and nasty as well as mentally ill - this is never a good combination.