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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL trouble! What should we do now!

89 replies

ridingalonginmyflashcar · 08/10/2023 23:45

I have name changed for this as posted lots about my life/job etc under my other name.

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.

My PILs and I don't really get on, it's always been a bit strained but almost 5yrs ago there was a massive row and things have never really recovered. My MIL in particular had very extreme views and I have had to tell her multiple times to please keep her thoughts/opinions to herself when they may upset others.
My husband, our children (6&4 boys) live approx 3 hrs from them so we only have to see them once a year (although they do not work they don't wish to come anymore than this and although this upsets my husband as I think he'd like them more involved he's settled for weekly Skype calls)
My four year old son, since the summer has been very interested in "beautiful twirly whirly dresses" unicorns, sparkles, glitter, hairclips etc (things that are stereotypical of little girls) myself and my husband have not discouraged or encouraged this, we have simply given him a choice, just as we do his older brother and he has consistently chosen from the girls section rather than the boys. No issues throughout the summer, he wore dresses with shorts underneath and all was well. My husband got very worried when we went into preschool that either he or his elder brother would be teased if he wore a dress so (as a compromise - to show I respect my husbands opinion even if I don't agree! Very happy for my son to wear a dress every day if he wants!) we tried to encourage him to save his beautiful dresses for home "so they wouldn't get messy" but let him have free rein on what he wears otherwise (unicorn jeans and teeshirt for example!)
During one of the weekly Skype calls today, MIL went on and on and ON about my son who was wearing a dress and even started calling him the female version of his name. My husband has asked her to stop repeatedly but she carried on, I got involved and told her to STOP BEING UNKIND NOW or stop phoning as she wasn't being fair, he is only 4yrs old! Then she stormed off and left FIL on the phone! My little boy was nearly in tears saying to me "why are Grandma and Grandad being mean to me? About my beautiful dress?" My elder one was comforting him saying "Don't worry X, just come and play with me if they're being mean. If you love it, you wear it. You look great!" Honestly, it nearly broke my heart to hear that!
So, where do I go from here? I know she will expect me to apologise, but I am not going to! How dare she say things like "she'll make him gay" and "oh X! Why have you got a silly dress on for!"🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 08/10/2023 23:50

She should've kept her thoughts to herself obviously, but none of you are doing the poor boy any favours by making a massive 'right on' thing about what are (at the end of the day) just clothes.

Yes, kids will definitely take the piss and even if he grows out of this phase he will always be known as the boy who wore dresses in the infants.

That's fine if you think he can handle it, but honestly you come across here as ridiculously try hard.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/10/2023 23:51

I'm not really convinced about this thread, but let's say it's true. Why is it that the boys discussed always want to wear dresses when most girls I know wear trousers?

DuplicateUserName · 08/10/2023 23:53

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/10/2023 23:51

I'm not really convinced about this thread, but let's say it's true. Why is it that the boys discussed always want to wear dresses when most girls I know wear trousers?

I agree with all of this.

It's been done to death in just about every way and always so OTT with the language....like "My beautiful dress" 😂

But I suppose we might as well take it at face value for now.

Scutterbug · 08/10/2023 23:54

You’ve done the right thing. If he wants to wear a dress then fair enough. Your MIL sounds horrible.

Original poster
ridingalonginmyflashcar · 08/10/2023 23:54

DuplicateUserName · 08/10/2023 23:50

She should've kept her thoughts to herself obviously, but none of you are doing the poor boy any favours by making a massive 'right on' thing about what are (at the end of the day) just clothes.

Yes, kids will definitely take the piss and even if he grows out of this phase he will always be known as the boy who wore dresses in the infants.

That's fine if you think he can handle it, but honestly you come across here as ridiculously try hard.

He's only in the preschool.
Not even in school uniform yet!
And he's not wearing dresses... I thought I'd said that already...

OP posts:
YourMommaWasASnowblower · 08/10/2023 23:55

I understand OP as I have a DS who is the same. My MIL went one step further and said in front of my DS that his uncle would give him a punch in the face if he saw him wearing pink. We haven’t seen the bitch since or the rest of her bigoted family. It was the final straw.
Given your son was so upset your MIL owes him an apology. If she can’t keep her opinions to herself I would keep your DC away from the Skype calls in future. What she can’t see, she can’t criticise.

Original poster
ridingalonginmyflashcar · 08/10/2023 23:55

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/10/2023 23:51

I'm not really convinced about this thread, but let's say it's true. Why is it that the boys discussed always want to wear dresses when most girls I know wear trousers?

Why on earth would I lie? What would be the benefit?
Literally do many other things to do than that.

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 08/10/2023 23:56

ridingalonginmyflashcar · 08/10/2023 23:54

He's only in the preschool.
Not even in school uniform yet!
And he's not wearing dresses... I thought I'd said that already...

Show quote history

What?

No issues throughout the summer, he wore dresses with shorts underneath and all was well.

ridingalonginmyflashcar · 08/10/2023 23:58

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ridingalonginmyflashcar · 08/10/2023 23:59

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IdaPrentice · 09/10/2023 00:02

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/10/2023 23:51

I'm not really convinced about this thread, but let's say it's true. Why is it that the boys discussed always want to wear dresses when most girls I know wear trousers?

Where does it say ANYTHING about him wanting to be a girl? He just likes dresses, unicorns etc. My neighbour's pre-school boy went through a phase like this. Are you going to call me a troll too?

Original poster
ridingalonginmyflashcar · 09/10/2023 00:03

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 08/10/2023 23:55

I understand OP as I have a DS who is the same. My MIL went one step further and said in front of my DS that his uncle would give him a punch in the face if he saw him wearing pink. We haven’t seen the bitch since or the rest of her bigoted family. It was the final straw.
Given your son was so upset your MIL owes him an apology. If she can’t keep her opinions to herself I would keep your DC away from the Skype calls in future. What she can’t see, she can’t criticise.

Oh no 😭😭 He has an aristocats jumper which when he saw in primark he ran up and cuddled it! 😍
He is so flipping cute! He is a style icon, wears Spider-Man (light up!) wellies, glittery nail polish, unicorn jeans, cat jumper, PJ masks sun hat and bright orange sunglasses! I mean 🤷🏻‍♀️ He likes what he likes!

OP posts:
Original poster
ridingalonginmyflashcar · 09/10/2023 00:05

Scutterbug · 08/10/2023 23:54

You’ve done the right thing. If he wants to wear a dress then fair enough. Your MIL sounds horrible.

She's not my favourite person, but I'm stuck with her! The question is is what the bloody hell do I do now!! I'm pretty sure he will grow out of it (I think it's quite a common phase!) but I just don't know when 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
ridingalonginmyflashcar · 09/10/2023 00:07

@IdaPrentice He is very aware (and absolutely delighted!!) that he is a boy and he DOES NOT want to be a girl, he just things are "beautiful" and "so cute!" And if he likes it he' wears it! 🤷🏻‍♀️🥰

OP posts:
PurpleOrchid42 · 09/10/2023 00:10

I think your PIL sound likes a complete waste of time. They only live 3 hours away, yet you only see them ONCE a YEAR? That's shocking. My advice would be to absolutely not apologise. You don't have anything to apologise for, they were in the wrong, and should apologise to your son (though I highly doubt they'd be willing). If your husband agrees, just don't contact them, and let them make the effort. If they don't, then that will be a bonus.

millerpie · 09/10/2023 00:37

Get rid of the MIL, your kid sounds awesome! if he’s happy who cares.

ForeveraBluebird · 09/10/2023 00:50

Your little boy sounds lovely , nice that he and his brother are beautifully spoken too.
Probably best not to yell fucking moron if they can hear you though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/10/2023 00:57

She sounds horrible! Why are some people so unkind to children?

momonpurpose · 09/10/2023 01:13

DuplicateUserName · 08/10/2023 23:50

She should've kept her thoughts to herself obviously, but none of you are doing the poor boy any favours by making a massive 'right on' thing about what are (at the end of the day) just clothes.

Yes, kids will definitely take the piss and even if he grows out of this phase he will always be known as the boy who wore dresses in the infants.

That's fine if you think he can handle it, but honestly you come across here as ridiculously try hard.

It's not popular but I agree. I think some people really enjoy saying look at what open minded people we are!

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 09/10/2023 02:46

My son had two sisters and used to love being Princess Superman. (Half of one costume on top and half on the other.) A friend of my DH came over while I was painting the kid’s nails. My DS wanted his done and chose sparkly forest green. The friend said “That’s child abuse! Boys don’t wear nail polish!!!” I quickly put him in his place and told him it would be far more abusive to say that he couldn’t because he was a boy after spending so much time on his sister’s nails.
DS is now 17 with a mullet and his wardrobe consists of grey, black and navy now. All his choices. I kinda miss Princess Superman.

DreamTheMoors · 09/10/2023 03:32

@ridingalonginmyflashcar

I had a cruel grandmother, too. As I grew older I learned to stay away from her and never ever to be alone with her in the same room — because that’s when she got truly mean and nasty. I suspect it was self-preservation.

Your son will learn to stay away from his granny, too — give him time. In the meantime, try to keep him out of her way the best you can.

Not every grandmother has a comfy lap and bakes biscuits and reads stories- some are more like Cruella.

LadyBitsnBobs · 09/10/2023 04:06

Yanbu of course. You do not apologise to MIL for politely but firmly curtailing the conversation in which she was saying unkind things to your child.

I honestly think you don’t say anything to MIL. Wait for her to raise the subject and if she does you can say, “these are our kids and we are raising them well. If you think wearing a dress “makes children grow up gay” then we are always going to disagree but I would ask you to keep those comments within adult conversations between DH and ourselves as bullying our 4 year old about it isn’t only going to upset and confuse him.”

I also had to deal with in-laws comments about my “poor” children who wear second hand clothes (it is my choice to make second hand purchases for environmental reasons) and also my DH worries about me letting DS have his toenails painted or wear a rainbow coloured T-shirt or anything with pink on it in case somehow it “turns ds into a girl”. if I let ds go out in a dress I would never hear the end of it!

Clothes are a huge part of identity and imagination, and I’m not blind to the fact that my ds’s life will be easier if he makes conventional choices but at age 4 if a child wants to be a monster or feel beautiful or wear head to toe waterproofs so they can play in the mud really who cares? Balance in all things.

TammyJones · 09/10/2023 04:16

DuplicateUserName · 08/10/2023 23:50

She should've kept her thoughts to herself obviously, but none of you are doing the poor boy any favours by making a massive 'right on' thing about what are (at the end of the day) just clothes.

Yes, kids will definitely take the piss and even if he grows out of this phase he will always be known as the boy who wore dresses in the infants.

That's fine if you think he can handle it, but honestly you come across here as ridiculously try hard.

Totally agree.
Kids can be cruel so it would wise to not set him up to be on the firing line.
(And no it won't make him gay) but kids do like to fit in.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 09/10/2023 04:19

I would like to suggest that your DH and elder son also wear dresses for next week's Skype call (you should obviously wear a collar and tie). Failing that, keep the children out of the calls and if this is queried say you'll include them when your PiL promise to behave politely towards them.

Tilllly · 09/10/2023 04:22

Someoneonlyyouknow · 09/10/2023 04:19

I would like to suggest that your DH and elder son also wear dresses for next week's Skype call (you should obviously wear a collar and tie). Failing that, keep the children out of the calls and if this is queried say you'll include them when your PiL promise to behave politely towards them.

Oh yes! Do this, please!
And report back

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