MIL trouble! What should we do now!

[ridingalonginmyflashcar]

I have name changed for this as posted lots about my life/job etc under my other name.

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.

My PILs and I don't really get on, it's always been a bit strained but almost 5yrs ago there was a massive row and things have never really recovered. My MIL in particular had very extreme views and I have had to tell her multiple times to please keep her thoughts/opinions to herself when they may upset others.
My husband, our children (6&4 boys) live approx 3 hrs from them so we only have to see them once a year (although they do not work they don't wish to come anymore than this and although this upsets my husband as I think he'd like them more involved he's settled for weekly Skype calls)
My four year old son, since the summer has been very interested in "beautiful twirly whirly dresses" unicorns, sparkles, glitter, hairclips etc (things that are stereotypical of little girls) myself and my husband have not discouraged or encouraged this, we have simply given him a choice, just as we do his older brother and he has consistently chosen from the girls section rather than the boys. No issues throughout the summer, he wore dresses with shorts underneath and all was well. My husband got very worried when we went into preschool that either he or his elder brother would be teased if he wore a dress so (as a compromise - to show I respect my husbands opinion even if I don't agree! Very happy for my son to wear a dress every day if he wants!) we tried to encourage him to save his beautiful dresses for home "so they wouldn't get messy" but let him have free rein on what he wears otherwise (unicorn jeans and teeshirt for example!)
During one of the weekly Skype calls today, MIL went on and on and ON about my son who was wearing a dress and even started calling him the female version of his name. My husband has asked her to stop repeatedly but she carried on, I got involved and told her to STOP BEING UNKIND NOW or stop phoning as she wasn't being fair, he is only 4yrs old! Then she stormed off and left FIL on the phone! My little boy was nearly in tears saying to me "why are Grandma and Grandad being mean to me? About my beautiful dress?" My elder one was comforting him saying "Don't worry X, just come and play with me if they're being mean. If you love it, you wear it. You look great!" Honestly, it nearly broke my heart to hear that!
So, where do I go from here? I know she will expect me to apologise, but I am not going to! How dare she say things like "she'll make him gay" and "oh X! Why have you got a silly dress on for!"🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

My (nearly 6ft) 17 year old rocker son loves a bit of eyeliner, nail polish, wearing flowery women's tops, jumpsuits etc. Frankly he looks pretty fantastic, if you're not worried about gender norms.

My middle-eastern MIL tells him he's 'turning gay' and refuses to speak to him if he's wearing 'women's clothes'. He laughs and says he's creative and 'just a bit fruity' but it upsets him in a way that strangers potentially saying that wouldn't. She's a bigoted, toxic cow and he's a ray of open-minded sunshine. I know which I'd do without in my life.

Also as a mother (🙄) of a boy the same age I completely disagree that it's unusual. I've come across plenty of boys with these interests and to this extent at his age.

If I've twisted your post, my apologies, but perhaps you could clarify exactly what you are implying by saying that it's a little more than a phase?

This!

Some of the comments on this thread are so depressing. Have you never come across kids who want to dress differently to our culture's narrow 'norm'? And how joyful it can be for them?

Disallowing it because of what others might think or because of worries about potential future bullying is just squashing the child's joy and individuality because of fear of others. A terrible life lesson. Better to support them and help them develop a strong sense of self and self esteem so that they can cope with whatever they experience from narrow-minded members of society down the line.

Children are generally much more accepting and open-minded anyway, unless they've been taught otherwise by narrow-minded adults around them...

And let's be clear, the OP says this interest has been held "since the summer" which is a few months.

And let's be clear, the OP says this interest has been held "since the summer" which is a few months.

OP I had very very similar & unfortunately it stuck with my son. MIL made a snide comment about him not wearing a dress when he was going out with her (I've 3 sons & they could all wear what they like but only DC3 went mould-breaking) DH chewed her out on it & she was fine after. (she once referred to 'dykes' in front of my kids & when I explained to them what she was talking about & used the word lesbian she was mortified I'd say that to my kids 😳.

Anyway! As a 12yo DS3 burst into tears in the car cos MIL in law was coming & he'd have to tell her he was gay (I told him he was under no obligation to tell anyone anything! As an aside he'd not even told us, he just thought he had lol). It stayed with him despite that being the only comment AND we'd worked on giving him confidence in his clothing choices (which he actually grew out of) even wearing a skirt for school uniform.

Point is - give no ground. None. He must know he's fine & that her opinion is NOT his problem, it's hers. She will have to come round, that's it.

DS3 is now 15 & totally at ease as his gay self. The only thing I'd say to watch for is ppl trying to 'kindly' tell him he's probably trans, cos that will absolutely happen at school. Ppl still cannot deal with the idea a boy would want to demean himself by wearing girly things without there being an underlying reason.

He might grow out of it, he might not, he might be gay, he might not. None of MILs business, none of anyone's business but his.

@WhatsCookingFlora, I mean it might be more than a phase. He might not grow out of liking the pretty, pink, sparkly, frilly dresses and glittery nail polish. He might continue into adulthood liking these things and these items might just be an expression of who he is as a person. As the MIL indicated, it might be an early sign that he's gay (not that wearing the dresses will have had any impact on this), or he may not. He may identify as non binary or transgender in his later life, or he may not. But, what I think is that his interests in the 'girly' items go beyond a childish curiosity and think they really mean a lot to him and bring him joy and pleasure. Afterall, he's not dressing up as a princess in the role play area on occasion or curious what a dress feels like, but is expressing a real love for the items. In other words, I really wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't lose interest in them as he gets older, as a child would if it's just a phase. This interest might be a catalyst for him finding out who he is a person.

I have an older boy who LOVED all things girly, glittery and sparkly when he was small. He cried for weeks that we wouldn’t let him wear a skirt when he started school. Used to steal his sister’s princess dresses and insist on having his nails painted. I also have a child who believes they are trans and couldn’t give a toss about clothes. Letting a child express themselves isn’t going to influence them in one way or another, all it does it shows them they have supportive parents. Well done for standing your ground, your MIL sounds awful.

Slightly sad at the comments on here suggesting you squash your son's unique style! Let him wear what he wants, it's only clothes.

Your MIL sounds like a right piece of work.

On the same tangent - I've bought DD (3yo) shorts from the boys section because they are longer and more practical for pre-school. Also bought some because they didn't have any 'Spidey and his Amazing Friends' ones in the girls section. Although the shops mostly put Spidey and Spin on them (the two boys) and not Ghost Spider because she's a girl and god forbid boys wear that?! Drives me crazy when they're all main characters so should all be on there.

Why will it be a 'nightmare' if the OP's DS continues to dress how he pleases when older?

In response to whoever it was saying something about letting them into the girls section.. you know they're pretty much adjacent in most shops, and the girls section is always at least twice the size of the boys..? My sons are both tiny so I often shop in the girls section because girls clothes tend to come up smaller (🙄) and I prefer to put them in leggings than stiff denims or baggy joggers, better for actually moving around. I tend to avoid bows and frills because I avoid bows and frills for myself but the 3yo loves a bit of glitter and sequins because kids like shiny things I guess? He also comments on "beautiful dresses" (plain t-shirt dresses from Uniqlo) that I wear a lot, I think it's just the vocabulary that comes with female-targeted clothing, so I fully believe OPs kid is saying these things.

OP I won't let anyone bully my kids if I have the power to stop it, so they just wouldn't be talking to them anymore. If they want to be civilised and apologise for being horrible to a little kid then I'd consider allowing supervised Zooms again possibly. Why didn't your DH stand up for DS though, they're his parents..?

This all reminds me of one episode with my ds when he was 10. He had bought some pink shoes, and we were just about to go out in a country where people are pretty backward.

He said 'maybe I shouldn't use these shoes as people will think I'm a girl?'. I said 'you made me buy you shoes which you are never going to wear now?' and he answered 'Of course I'm going to wear them because they are beautiful, but maybe not here because people are a bit weird'.

So there you go, they grow to be aware of how it is perceived by others, and they still find them beautiful.

She really is just a racist horrible bitter nasty bigot and her opinions sicken me.