MIL trouble! What should we do now!

[ridingalonginmyflashcar]

I have name changed for this as posted lots about my life/job etc under my other name.

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.

My PILs and I don't really get on, it's always been a bit strained but almost 5yrs ago there was a massive row and things have never really recovered. My MIL in particular had very extreme views and I have had to tell her multiple times to please keep her thoughts/opinions to herself when they may upset others.
My husband, our children (6&4 boys) live approx 3 hrs from them so we only have to see them once a year (although they do not work they don't wish to come anymore than this and although this upsets my husband as I think he'd like them more involved he's settled for weekly Skype calls)
My four year old son, since the summer has been very interested in "beautiful twirly whirly dresses" unicorns, sparkles, glitter, hairclips etc (things that are stereotypical of little girls) myself and my husband have not discouraged or encouraged this, we have simply given him a choice, just as we do his older brother and he has consistently chosen from the girls section rather than the boys. No issues throughout the summer, he wore dresses with shorts underneath and all was well. My husband got very worried when we went into preschool that either he or his elder brother would be teased if he wore a dress so (as a compromise - to show I respect my husbands opinion even if I don't agree! Very happy for my son to wear a dress every day if he wants!) we tried to encourage him to save his beautiful dresses for home "so they wouldn't get messy" but let him have free rein on what he wears otherwise (unicorn jeans and teeshirt for example!)
During one of the weekly Skype calls today, MIL went on and on and ON about my son who was wearing a dress and even started calling him the female version of his name. My husband has asked her to stop repeatedly but she carried on, I got involved and told her to STOP BEING UNKIND NOW or stop phoning as she wasn't being fair, he is only 4yrs old! Then she stormed off and left FIL on the phone! My little boy was nearly in tears saying to me "why are Grandma and Grandad being mean to me? About my beautiful dress?" My elder one was comforting him saying "Don't worry X, just come and play with me if they're being mean. If you love it, you wear it. You look great!" Honestly, it nearly broke my heart to hear that!
So, where do I go from here? I know she will expect me to apologise, but I am not going to! How dare she say things like "she'll make him gay" and "oh X! Why have you got a silly dress on for!"🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

OP, I think this is a little more than a phase, which I say in the kindest possible way and with absolutely no judgement. I think, therefore, you need to nip this in the bud with PIL sooner rather than later. Definitely don't apologise. It's probably best coming from DH so they know you are united in this, but I'd send a firm message. Something along the lines of, 'We are comfortable with whoever our son turns out to be and will always encourage him to be his best and authentic self. If you are not able/willing to support his choices then we would appreciate you taking a step back.' If you're feeling a bit petty you could aslo add 'We are not ashamed of how DS chooses to dress and the only one who should be ashamed is you after your despicable behaviour.'

Definitely get DH to jam a tiara and earrings on for the next face time!

If you only see the in laws once a year, they will have very little understanding of your family at all and probably haven’t come across a situation like this before.
It’s sad that they are difficult and bigoted and therefore missing out on the joys and delights and fun of your little boys growing up in more enlightened times.

OP, you have described your children so well here. Could you and your DH write to them or Skype to bring them up to date on your parenting approach and explain how creative, imaginative and joyful your son is with his beautiful dresses. And how experimenting with clothes is perfectly normal at that age and totally acceptable even though it was frowned upon in years gone by.

Or could your DH make a trip to see them to gently explain and discuss how they are being left behind with their lack of acceptance and in their thinking generally.

I think you shouldn’t apologise but I do think there should be lots and lots of discussion to at least try to bring them up to date so they feel more included and can be less estranged / isolated in their thinking. If they are willing to listen that is, maybe you have already tried.
It may be just a matter of educating them or should I say re-educating them. We all need that as we get older and I’m so grateful that our sons kindly and lovingly coach me forward at times.

I may be well off the mark here but I feel one visit a year when they only live 3 hours away is so sad, even though they are difficult. It would be no wonder they are stuck with their old fashioned viewpoints if they have little day to day interaction with any young modern families.

Why on earth do you think this is "a little more than a phase" for the 4 year old child?

It is a very common thing for little boys at this age and has no more implications than children who refuse to wear anything other than the same spiderman outfit or cat ears for months on end.

Maybe he'll continue to wear dresses forever or maybe he'll lose interest tomorrow. He's 4.

I think you sound great. He wears what he wants at home but understands that for school he has to wear certain clothes. Good preparation for uniform.

I'd stop contact with pil it doesn't sound like your children benefit

I don't think I would like such a potty mouth daughter in law either. Bonkers.

You sound like a charming person!

Love what your DS1 said to his little brother. Such empathy from a 6 year old. You’re obviously doing an excellent job in raising these DCs. It gives me hope for the future.

"Don't worry X, just come and play with me if they're being mean. If you love it, you wear it. You look great!"

From a six year old?

It's funny as I have a gd who likes wearing trousers and has a batman and a hulk outfit and marvel bedding and everyday wear is marvel.
We have a bit of a ban on unicorns and princess dresses anyway as I personally think it's a bit conditioning aiming them at girls. She has had a Cinderella dress but only put it on once.
Nobody really bats an eye lid at a girl in the dark clothes although her mum says come home in pink clothes to her.
My DD has boys and she's always bought a few bright clothes which would be marketed for girls and people are more judgemental about that than girls in dark clothes
There is so much sparkly stuff everywhere you can understand some boys taking an interest and why not. I think your in laws just don't seem very nice and a bit out of date.
I think shops should sell more unisex clothes anyway.
When is the in-laws annual visit?

Your mil sounds very rude: what did your dh think about it? I would let him make the calls on his own for a while

Bit cynical. OP is just letting her DS be who he is within the safety of his own home. That isn't 'try hard' or 'right-on', it's just what a loving parent does.

It's a sad world we're living in if we're teaching kids not to be themselves at the age of four.

They sound awful tbh. Don't apologise of course! I'd just go about my business not seeing them. Wouldn't even do the once a year as they sound like horrible people. Of your dh wants to see them he can crack on obviously.

I think the comments people are making about him getting picked on aren't necessarily true depending on the area you live in. There's a big difference between some parts of rural Ireland for example (I'm Irish before anyone thinks I'm being anti irish) and North London for example. Although, I think most people everywhere would refrain from being a massive twat to a small child about their appearance

she sounds very rude!! my son went through a princess dress phase when he was 3 - even went to Disney on Ice dressed as Elsa. All he wanted for xmas that year was an Elsa dress. i remember the nursery girls saying how some boys aren’t allowed to dress up in any “girls” costumes there and i thought that was really sad. they are only little! he’s now 9 and lives in football kits and is mortified if i ever mention his Elsa phase 😂

Nasty post, Op.

Your in-laws sound horrendous OP. But I don’t think you’re doing your son any favours

Cut the call. Sorry, not appropriate,bye!

If you want to be polite”Sorry mil emergency the toilet seems to be flooding. Let me call you back!” Then don’t.

He's only four and it doesn't particularly matter what he wears but I don't understand why you would even bring him into the girls section of the shop. Why is he wearing nail polish? If you just get him whatever he wants now, you might have a nightmare on your hands in a few years. I have money to spend on my eldest but she has parameters. She's not allowed to just buy whatever she wants.

Both your kids sound great, OP, and you sound like a great mum, as well. Posting on here is a bad idea a a lot of Mumsnetters are bigots to the point that they will think it's wrong for your son (or any bot/man) to wear a dress. Ignore these awful people - you are doing a great job, and your kids will be a lot happier than theirs are!

I used to buy clothes for my small boys from both sides of the shop because frankly the girls' side had nicer things in a wider variety of colours. My boys are larger and more stereotype conscious now but do remember their colourful legging days fondly

Some people are so anxious about “fitting in” that I think they genuinely feel like they’re doing you a favour by telling you stop being yourself. I hate them and their tedious outlook on life – you must’ve been such a liberating presence in your husband’s life, growing up with a mother like that.

At least your younger son got to see you and his big brother defending him, which is what will stick rather than the opinions of a woman he rarely sees in person. I think just carry on as you are really, she’s a silly old woman who’d rather be right (as she sees it) than be happy

Yup.

As above.

Don't be so silly. We're grown-ups on here. The Victorian age ended a long, long time ago.
What next, complaints because people don't cover up their table legs?

Interfering stupid old cow. Tell her to fuck off

Your in laws are awful. Limit contact