Children hitting childminder

[Vand]

NC for this.

I have worked in childcare for 15 years and never have encountered behaviour like I have seen in the past 12 months. 3 different children who are between the ages of 6-8 have hit me, kicked, elbowed and pushed on several different occasions.

My approach to children has not changed in those 15 years and I have always had great relationships with the children I care for. I have other children I look after who would not dream of behaving this way so it isn’t a lack of boundaries issue. None of the children who hit have SEN.

I am honestly gobsmacked. I expect hitting from toddlers but developmentally children should be able to control physical outbursts by about 4 years old. The children in question do all have similarities in their home life. Parents working very long hours (sometimes unavoidable I understand) and then children are attending clubs all weekend so are barely getting any time with parents.

AIBU to think it’s linked to this? Because I’m seriously feeling down about my job. I do not go to work to get hit multiple times a week by children and I’m now questioning my ability and whether to pack it all in even though there are other children in my care I have really lovely relationships with. I’ve never known this with multiple children of that age in 15 years of doing this to think they are okay to hit an adult especially someone outside of their family.

Op you are getting a big judgy here.
So you think it isn't damaging that you don't spend time with your kids but don't earn much, but somehow its more damaging if you work but earn more? Seriously?

Agreed ... except it's more than a 'bit' judgy!

My child is nearly 5, he started reception in September and I’ve had several calls since to say that he’s been bitten in school. I was a bit surprised, as I thought it was more ‘toddler’ behaviour, however, I’m not too concerned as some of the kids have only just turned 4, and I realise they are probably just overwhelmed and tired…is this a symptom of things to come though?
Thank you for sharing your insight as a childcare provider. I also work long hours as a lone parent (10 hr days x 5/6 per week- but then 4 days off). I am quite anxious about the impact this could have on my son growing up. I was also a breakfast club/childminder after school kid and I hated it, although only after my childminder got switched to one that didn’t like me. I’m not really sure what the solution is?

I think it's pretty selfish to have both parents work full time with primary aged children, unless both parents are in low paid jobs (but it's never low earners that do it, probably because min wage work is worse than spending time with your kids). It is prioritising the parents lifestyle over the welfare of the child.

It fucking isn't?!

Definitely think that children benefit from one parent being at home but not so easy these days.
Think that children should have firmer parenting .All the talking and reasoning really doesn’t work. Look at the development of a young child’s brain to understand

Plus it seems unlikely that OP currently has multiple families working long hours for crazy money - usually people with jobs like that have a nanny because they can't make 6pm pickup.

You need to talk seriously with the parents.

Perhaps they hit their children and the kids think it is normal. The parents may have ways of spending more one on one time with their child - which you think would be beneficial. The parents are possibly stonkered and take a breather for themselves once they are at home. This doesn't make it acceptable that they allow a rude child to be in your care.

Do the kids watch too many action videos, have way too little sleep or outside gross motor skill play opportunities, or witness the parents fighting? Does the parent need to spend an hour or so observing their wild child at the centre?

Brain storm with the parents as to why they are unreasonably behaved.

Your time out plan, I understand. You have to protect yourself from violent outbursts and you need to prevent violent rampages in the other children's zone.

You should, after discussing the problem with the parents, set a no violent children clause to your workplace. One warning and then the next incident the kid is out.

I take 2 sibling children home and nanny them for longer hours in the evening.

Would you like kids that were hitting you and sneering at you? I certainly wouldn't.

I think it's pretty selfish to have both parents work full time with primary aged children, unless both parents are in low paid jobs (but it's never low earners that do it, probably because min wage work is worse than spending time with your kids). It is prioritising the parents lifestyle over the welfare of the child.

I can’t believe you’ve been in childcare for 15 years and haven’t realised that the main reason low earners don’t do it when they have children is that childcare costs the same as or more than they earn.

A previous childminder i employed was good with all 3 of my kids but my 6 year old son didnt like her and had slapped her a couple times for no reason..she reported it to me and i spoke to him...Told him he must stop and any further attacks would be met with strong discipline...nothing really changed so after another month she moved on to another family and i replaced her with one they all liked

There is attitude from them, they will smirk and laugh when they are told not to hit and do it again. If they are getting some cuddles and then have to share my attention they will lash out.

How is this so contrary to ASD please? You could have been describing my DS, he’s 5 now and though it has calmed down massively he’s expected to be diagnosed as having ASD - a lot of people are surprised when I say as he presents very NT… until he doesn’t.

I am genuinely shocked that there are people on this thread who think training children to behave without violence is a job for a childminder. What an amazingly anti social point of view.

I think you are correct, their parents feel such guilt, that they don't want to upset their children, they don't set boundaries, they want to be friends not parents. They are doing a disservice to their children, who will come up against authority figures for the rest of their lives and won't be able to cope, as they never learned how as children.

Do you not worry that he’s going to come into contact with people that he doesn’t like throughout his childhood and you haven’t been able to teach him that slapping them isn’t an acceptable response to that?

Hes never done that with anyone before...i just didnt like her so a clash of personalities i suppose..he was told it wasnt acceptable and he was punished for it...but nothing much improved especially with his attitude so she decided to move on

Op, I would get the parents in for meetings. State that you will give them one/two weeks and if the behaviour carries on you will hand them notice. Obviously, that’s if your open to this. I have a clause in my contracts that states if a child’s behaviour puts the other children or myself at risk then they will receive immediate notice. To be honest, it’s not something I’ve ever had to use. A couple of times I’ve had to have a chat with parents but both of those times the parents have been really on board and between us we have worked the issue out.

When you’re a loan working childminder you are extremely vulnerable. There’s only so much you can do before you say ‘no more’. Yes, some children may have SEN and even then, you have to consider the other children in your care. It’s not the same as a larger setting with more staff who can hopefully give a child more one to one care.

the safety of the children in my care is paramount as is their happiness. If I felt a child was causing upset and distress I would have to give notice (I wouldn’t do this on a whim though).

I have thinking time, sometimes I need to remove a child from a situation. They sit a little away from us (about 4/5 feet away) for a minute or so and then I go and have a chat with them. It’s all well and good saying no but if they carry on what they’re doing do you just leave them to carry on that action?

@EachPeachPearNectarine
its the unacceptable behaviour and attitude of the parents who's children treat this childminder like a human punch bag,

Is the real issue,

@EachPeachPearNectarine

It sounds like you are exactly 💯 or similar like these type of parents who just handwring with what can i do kind of type of attitude 🤔

and expect the teacher probably to be like combo of support worker and psudeo social worker to their precious children too..

@Vand
I think it is about the lack of consistent adult input into their behaviour.

You are the only person in these children's lives who sees them for any decent amount of time in a home setting where there are no constant organised activities. The people running the classes and clubs they are shunted off to are well aware they are running holding pens and probably deal with bad behaviour by keeping them fully occupied at all times.

Children like this have no idea how to occupy themselves during stretches of downtime.

It's possible they cut loose with you because they are very comfortable with you. They may also feel conflicted because they have a lot of affection for you, but you're still not their parent.

My relative parented like this and thought it was wrong to say no to her kids. They were banned from several different childcare settings!

They are much more socialised now that they are a few years older. They were a nightmare to be around though until they were about 7.

Zero tolerance is the only way forward, the parents must work with you to address this.

So as doesn’t want to be the kids’ punching bag, she’s judgemental?

I've found Montessori and gentle parents FB group posts to be 4/5 about children kreen hitting inc. nannies

Most replies go along the lines of oh the poor thing, they can't help it, is the nanny doing something wrong, one said they'd leave it to the nanny as it was them being affected by the behaviour another even said it was good that the child felt comfortable being their true self.

No a single reply will suggest any form of punishment or making any physical attempt to intervention. Only one disagreed and said that it might be the parents responsibility but no suggestion on how to stop it.

Most places seem to have pick up time at 6pm. Are you working somewhere that attracts people on long hours? The only few parents I know with very big jobs have minders in their home so the kids are in their own environment. I think your senario is quite unusual.

I think very long hours in group care can be stressful on some kids. particularly after school- maybe they had a rough day. If they don’t get time to decompress at the weekend either, I could see how it would result in lashing out.

But these are the parents who are causing all the damage. Not listening to professionals because they think they know better and can diagnose Sen at the drop of a hat! Not being told no is the reason I’m hearing discussed time and time again in meetings. I had one child the other day who spoke to his mum like a piece of dirt. Didn’t even seem to register with her. As a Ta I can luckily walk out the room as I’m pretty much done with these parents.