Children hitting childminder

[Vand]

NC for this.

I have worked in childcare for 15 years and never have encountered behaviour like I have seen in the past 12 months. 3 different children who are between the ages of 6-8 have hit me, kicked, elbowed and pushed on several different occasions.

My approach to children has not changed in those 15 years and I have always had great relationships with the children I care for. I have other children I look after who would not dream of behaving this way so it isn’t a lack of boundaries issue. None of the children who hit have SEN.

I am honestly gobsmacked. I expect hitting from toddlers but developmentally children should be able to control physical outbursts by about 4 years old. The children in question do all have similarities in their home life. Parents working very long hours (sometimes unavoidable I understand) and then children are attending clubs all weekend so are barely getting any time with parents.

AIBU to think it’s linked to this? Because I’m seriously feeling down about my job. I do not go to work to get hit multiple times a week by children and I’m now questioning my ability and whether to pack it all in even though there are other children in my care I have really lovely relationships with. I’ve never known this with multiple children of that age in 15 years of doing this to think they are okay to hit an adult especially someone outside of their family.

Why is it the childminder’s job to instil proper behaviour in them? This is the parents’ job and the child carer/nanny/teacher/whoever else is in the child’s life should be there as a support to back this up. It is not someone else’s job to raise your kids.

At the end of the day if you are working very long hours and never see your children, no matter your financial circumstances, you need to accept that this will likely cause some issues. As I said upthread, children who continuously feel that they come second to their parents’ jobs are likely to lash out against this in some way and it’s the OP who is bearing the brunt of this.

As people on MN are typically quite career driven im not surprised how they are getting defensive.

However there is a massive difference between, for example:
Child A’s mum and dad work mon-fri in a shop and as a workman. They have to attend a breakfast club and are picked up at half 6. They spend the weekend typically with both parents and go to the park etc although sometimes either parent has to work a weekend shift.

Child B’s parent1 works from home and does the drop off at breakfast club and picks up at 7pm. Parent 2 stays at work until 8pm. Both have careers that mean they travel abroad once each a month for a week at a time. 2 weeks of the month there is only one parent home. Child B’s weekends are packed with swimming, football, drama, tennis etc while parents go to coffee shop to do work. They are fed by me in the evening and go home are bathed by a parent and put into bed for a 6.30am start the next day. They have several holidays abroad a year. But typically spend about 2 hours a day with their child.

So if the children are diagnosed with SEN does that give them a free pass to hit their carers? While I appreciate there are different levels of SEN surely all children need to learn that some types of behaviour is not acceptable.

Of course not. Who mentioned a free pass? But surely you know that some more are developmentally very very delayed- some have basically the impulse control of 2 or 3 year olds. I'm desperately trying everything I can to stop my 4 year old from hitting - and he feels so ashamed after - but it's not about him 'learning' that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. He KNOWS! I can't believe how uninformed some people are about SEN!

As people on MN are typically quite career driven im not surprised how they are getting defensive.

Urgh.

Not true. Two nurseries attended by my children use time out and so does my son's primary school (reception class). Only today the health visitor told me I should put my 2 year old in time out if he hits his brother.

I know plenty of parents who would rather spend time anywhere than with their children, particularly dads . This is why boarding school is popular with richer people, and slightly less well off people can manage the next best thing with long hours in childcare.

I think it's pretty selfish to have both parents work full time with primary aged children, unless both parents are in low paid jobs (but it's never low earners that do it, probably because min wage work is worse than spending time with your kids). It is prioritising the parents lifestyle over the welfare of the child.

My ‘sen’ kid never hit anyone it’s not an excuse some children with asd do not understand but I know my son knows hitting is wrong.

however I’ve just spent the day being kicked and hit by 3 year olds whilst giving them flu vaccine. Parents negotiating with children who don’t understand, it’s a bit infuriating, lots of ‘we don’t say no’ etc fair enough but I have 5 mins per appointment I don’t have time for tantrums and parents trying to negotiate treats or begging a kid who is screaming etc to get a nasal vaccine.

I understand it’s scary coming to the nurse if they’ve had a previous bad experience or whatever I’m kind and patient with parents and kids, but am sick of parents letting their kids kick and hit me. I’ve decided I’m not putting up with it, I wouldn’t allow my children (have 4) to kick anyone! You hold them and are firm with them re kicking etc I was shocked today tbh and like op I don’t go to work to be kicked

If there are multiple children behaving this badly for OP, yet they’re in mainstream school with no issues and the parents report no issues, it suggests she’s the problem and they don’t respect her (like she doesn’t respect them or their parents).

We all had that one teacher at school who wasn’t respected and had a chaotic classroom in which otherwise well-behaved children were little terrors. OP’s situation sounds like an escalated version of that.

I work in Early Years and this has been such a tough year for it. There are kids for whom all positive home relationships have either broken down, or they are so coddled, they cannot cope with even the gentlest of opposition. And it feels like there are no in-betweeners either. They are either lovely, sweet and well-adjusted or SO difficult and reactive. Usually we have a few that get there in a few months, but I sense my whole year is going to be spent firefighting. I had a four year old who was angry I gave him a certain color play-dough that he bit me so hard through my jacket that I have a bruise weeks later. Others who bite and kick and scratch because we ask them to do anything at all. I protect myself by simply standing back and making everyone else safe. 🤗

I found the logic pretty simple to follow:

Less time at work = less money available for holidays, but more time available for children.

More time available to spend with children = childrens needs met better = less inappropriate behaviour.

Not tricky stuff really.

Have another read of the op's opening post. It seems you haven't understood it. This has started in the last year of her long career in childcare

I honestly think iPads have a lot to answer for. They keep children soporific in a way that nothing before has ever done. You give them the tablet and you basically turn the child off. So much parenting is just avoided this way.

It really blows my mind how people discount childcare workers opinions. For most women on here, their own children and maybe a few close family members children or friends is the extent of their experience with children.

Whereas workers like myself have cared for 100s of children, taken courses on child behaviour and development, have qualifications. But then parents get so wrapped up in the idea that they know their children best, that everything we know seems to be forgotten and our opinions and judgements don’t matter!

Gentle parenting has resulted in a mass amount of spoiled bratitis. They would get one warning, and the second hit they are out.

Yes this is something the teacher at my son’s private school was complaining about too. They have a zero tolerance policy on violence (and it is called violence after Reception) to teachers - it’s usually a formal written warning with a meeting with parents to explain that if it happens again they will be expelled. Then the second time it happens they’re gone - their terms are that if a child is expelled outstanding fees are not refunded. You may need to create a specific policy on this.

But they didn’t need this policy until the Covid toddlers who didn’t go to nursery came up. She thinks it’s because of long days at home with parents wfh to save money. She doesn’t see it in kids who went to nursery at 2/3.

Time outs have always worked effectively for me with my own children and as a teacher in ks1. Used to give children a chance to calm down and reflect on behaviour. Plus with a class of 31 my options are limited.

I of course have no issue with working parents, I will add though that the parents of the children I am talking about in my OP are not working class and work to make ends meet. They are people with very developed careers and make a lot of money. So I suppose I am less sympathetic.

Yes. And I’m not sure why people with lots of money would use a childminder.

Just tell the parents you will not be looking after them again. Nobody should tolerate physical violence.

Being a working parent doesn't mean your kids end up aggressive.

The key is having a strong relationship between parent & childminder, and effective, consistent parenting from both. Dh and I both work in "big" jobs. We've used the same since DC were tiny. We are quite firm as parents, and cm is consistent with is in imposing boundaries etc. Our DC also have a caring bond with the CM - she's like a favourite auntie, its a family environment where they get lots of affection. I see a good cm as being an extra - they get loving parents at home plus another positive relationship.

OP do you have a good bond with these DC?

No it doesn’t but when your child is getting to an age where they are questioning why their parents are getting on planes and disappearing for a week at a time every month instead of staying with them, you’re going to start to get children who act out.

When I was younger my parents worked very long hours, I was in breakfast and after school club. But they were poor. Even at primary age I understood they had to work for money to survive. I think because these kids don’t go without anything, they have no idea that there are poor people, homeless people, people who don’t have as much money - they aren’t understanding why they seem to come second to their parents jobs.

Im sorry but I’m not going to understand why people chose to have kids when they are leaving 6/7 year olds behind to network for the company that employs them.

OP do you have a good bond with these DC?

Believe it or not, I actually have the best bond with the child who hits most. I have cared for them for 2 years and often do extra care at their home when it’s asked for (often if I’m honest).

I would be following the advice other PPs have given ... read your own terms and conditions which presumably the parents will have a copy of. Tell them you are concerned and you are doing x to combat this unacceptable behaviour and ask them to work with you on that. Say otherwise you will have to give them written warning/notice as per T&Cs.

Op you are getting a big judgy here.
So you think it isn't damaging that you don't spend time with your kids but don't earn much, but somehow its more damaging if you work but earn more? Seriously?

Lots of us choose to work more than is absolutely financially "required", reasons include:

• having independent financial security as a woman
• knowing when your children leave home as young adults you'll only be 48 and having a fulfilling career for yourself is important
• being able to afford enriching activities for your family - sports, music tuition
• valuing financial security and wanting to support DC to study etc
• affording things like medical treatment for DC

If one parent is travelling for work, DC are at home with the other.

You make valid points about behaviour but by blaming the fact the parents work & earn well, it just makes it sound as though envy of their finances is clouding your view of the situation.

I think gentle parenting, impact of covid lockdowns etc & exposure of kids to too many screens etc are a bigger problem than working parents. I've been a school governor, and behavioural problems at our school were most concentrated in the children eligible for school meals - most of whom had at least one stay at home parent.

I think it's pretty selfish to have both parents work full time with primary aged children, unless both parents are in low paid jobs (but it's never low earners that do it, probably because min wage work is worse than spending time with your kids).

This is disgusting. You can't be serious?