Children hitting childminder

[Vand]

NC for this.

I have worked in childcare for 15 years and never have encountered behaviour like I have seen in the past 12 months. 3 different children who are between the ages of 6-8 have hit me, kicked, elbowed and pushed on several different occasions.

My approach to children has not changed in those 15 years and I have always had great relationships with the children I care for. I have other children I look after who would not dream of behaving this way so it isn’t a lack of boundaries issue. None of the children who hit have SEN.

I am honestly gobsmacked. I expect hitting from toddlers but developmentally children should be able to control physical outbursts by about 4 years old. The children in question do all have similarities in their home life. Parents working very long hours (sometimes unavoidable I understand) and then children are attending clubs all weekend so are barely getting any time with parents.

AIBU to think it’s linked to this? Because I’m seriously feeling down about my job. I do not go to work to get hit multiple times a week by children and I’m now questioning my ability and whether to pack it all in even though there are other children in my care I have really lovely relationships with. I’ve never known this with multiple children of that age in 15 years of doing this to think they are okay to hit an adult especially someone outside of their family.

I spent 7 years working in SEN, identifying kids to be put forward for assessment. So I do feel like I have a pretty good judgement on this.

So do I (13 years experince and a doctorate). I still get it wrong. You are NOT in a position to say definitively, whether a child has SEN or not. Anyone who works with children should know that. Anything which is atypical behaviour for that age should make SEN a consideration. I work with SO many children who are diagnosed ASD or ADHD in their teens who were just labelled 'naughty'. Now, I'm not saying this is definitely the case. But I'm a bit concerned about you seeming 100% sure.

I of course have no issue with working parents, I will add though that the parents of the children I am talking about in my OP are not working class and work to make ends meet. They are people with very developed careers and make a lot of money. So I suppose I am less sympathetic.

Ouch. This is VERY judgemental. So are you saying that if a couple is on a good salary, and middle class, they should be working part time hours?! It does sound odd that a childminder would judge about this, as your income surely depends upon people working and therefore needing to hire you in their absence?! My husband and I have a decent household income. We use wraparound care rather than a childminder, but I'd be utterly horrified if a childminder was judging my decision to maintain a career in this way!

There are definitely more issues here than the children hitting.

It’s really odd it’s suddenly happened in the last twelve months. Parents working isn’t a new thing.

It’s a bit odd to work in a field that relies on children not being with their parents as a source of income and then judge the parents for not spending time with their children. In any case, you can just refuse to have those particular children, surely.

Agreed. Why can't you just give notice?

I've noticed since covid children (and some parents) seem to be less mature less aware of consequences to their actions as do some parents pointing out to a parent the other day that spreading unsubstantiated malicious rumours about a teenager can cause suicide it was ridiculous immature behaviour her kids started it and instead of parenting she just went along with it

OP get rid of the children if the parents won't actively parent

I think it's a reasonable point to make that the op couldn't possibly know in any definitive sense whether a child has sen or not - and actually, it annoys the shit out of me when people do this - like they have some kind of sen seeking third eye.

But, if the op is seeing many more children displaying atypical behaviour in levels that she hasn't seen throughout her career until now, then clearly that's worrying on its own terms?

And I don't think working in childcare means that you must cede any opinions on the behaviour of parents. I don't think that ever was or is going to be a precondition of working in childcare.

Anyway, perhaps the op has a point that this might be an environmental problem? Although it's too easy to then attach your own hobby horse to what could be an accurate assessment though. I think my thoughts would land on COVID restrictions and adaptations that burdened children, the op sees the dwindling amount of time children get to spend at home with their parents, others might place increased screen time at the nub.

As a childcare worker I judge parents, all of us do.

We had a child who was in 7.30 till 6 then went home with a babysitter. They were in 51 weeks of the year we were open.

They were crying out for their parents attention, management ended up having to force them to give her a break, her behaviour was very bad.

It doesn't mean we are in the wrong career, it means we can see the patterns of behaviour and the causes behind it as we have years and years of experience with multiple children that parents don't have.

I am also a parent myself and have used nurseries so I understand the need for childcare but there needs to be a balance between career chasing and spending time with your children.

We have had parents go on annual leave, go abroad and still leave their children in nursery getting grandparents to collect them. And they will collect them at the last possible minute. This won't be from parents who spend regular time with their children and want a break, but from parents who don't.

We have had parent in shock that we close down Christmas Eve and are shut until New year asking us what are they going to do with their child.

So yes, we do judge.

I think this is a very interesting and important thread, so thank you for creating it, OP.
I’m sorry but not surprised to see that your observations are being challenged immediately.

So if the children are diagnosed with SEN does that give them a free pass to hit their carers? While I appreciate there are different levels of SEN surely all children need to learn that some types of behaviour is not acceptable.

SEMH difficulties in children is increasing massively.

The cause? Who knows. But I think it's a whole combination of things.

I'm an absolute advocate for all behaviour is communication. But I feel it's taken too far now that people think the behaviour is ok because^^ it's communicating rather than tell them the behaviour isn't ok, teach better ways and getting to the root cause.

I work in pastoral care and I do a combination of extra nurture alongside the firm boundaries. Most of the children do get it in the end that hitting me won't get them attention - they'll get that attention regardless of their behaviour. So the behaviour does stop. But it's not easy and a long road to that recovery.

I agree with this.

ALL childcare workers and teachers make assumptions and judgements about a child’s home life and parenting. Anyone who thinks they don’t is very naive!

And so they should. Someone like OP has been in the business for 15 years, they know what’s ‘normal’ for a child and what’s not, and also can see the patterns in behaviour in those children who never see their parents and those who do. Of course parents have to work, but if your child continuously feels that they come second to your job there will undoubtedly be issues.

What a stupid, ill-informed comment. So you let your kids just use you as a punch bag, do you? Or expect that their childminders/teachers will allow them to run riot? What a wonderful parent you must be.

They don't get a free pass, but as you understand that children under two can't always regulate their feelings, or have impulse control, some children who have SEN can't until much later. So the methods used change. It's difficult when a child is at a childminders because the triggers might be present. My youngest GC didn't stop hitting until five. I'd had enough and threatened to hit back, her elder sister started to hit back, she stopped. It can be a reason why 1-to-1 care is needed, though

@Ponoka7

The children OP is discussing are not toddlers or pre school, they are Eight or older. Quite soon, they will be able to cause significant injury to an adult, and even more significant injury to a child.

Didn't she say 6-8? Not ideal but some way off getting an asbo.

No one likes children who hit them.

time out is outdated and most if not all childcare and school settings don’t do it anymore. Time in is more appropriate

Time in is fine if you have one child, what do the other kids do when the OP is sitting having time in with the child who is hitting. Some kids just don’t manage group after school care, because for whatever reason they can’t regulate their behaviour to cope with a group setting. I’d be talking to the parents about the need to find an alternative care provider who can cater to their needs. SEN or not if they aren’t able to regulate and the cater can’t keep the kids and herself safe it’s the wrong setting for them.

Given there seems to be a fair amount of poor behaviour and hitting I’d not be confident at leaving them to play unsupervised while I did time in with another child.

No but I expect the childminder to be available to all the kids as needed, particularly when there are known behavioural issues. Time in isn’t a great way of managing behaviour in situations with one adult and a group of kids.

So what do you suggest she does when hit repeatedly by a child?

I agreed with you until this post. You are being judgemental and frankly sound jealous. Many senior jobs don’t allow reduced hours and you have no idea of their finances. They might be paying off debt or studying all hours for a career change to allow more time at home for all you know. Very few parents actively want to be away from their children.

The parents sound weak but they’re paying your wages, so if you don’t like the children then give them notice. Hopefully the children get a childminder who is able to achieve proper behaviour in them soon.

@Vinrouge4 I’ve noticed a strange shift lately. When I was growing up, SEN kids (including myself) were expected to totally conform to society without reasonable accommodations, which of course was wrong. But now it’s too far the other way and it’s like some parents want to keep them stuck. It should be somewhere in the middle I think. My son has asd and is in a nurture setting. Everyday I hear the teacher informing parents that the kids were hitting or “didn’t have kind hands” as they prefer to put it. Parents seem nonplussed and now my son is starting to imitate these behaviours (even copying their tone of voice etc)

This behaviour is common in schools now too and isn't particularly linked to working parents - there are plenty of SAHP's who have children with social, emotional and behavioural problems.

You're not paid enough to deal with this though, especially as a lone worker - and you can't let over 5s impact on your care of little ones.

I'd have a zero tolerance policy on violence or non-compliance for school age children from now on - immediate notice for this kind of behaviour.