Page 30 | To have spent 12 years of child benefit?

FullMoomin · 2023-10-08T04:10:41+00:00

Having a panic attack. I've just calculated that over the past 12 years of spending child benefit every month I've spent over £20,000!!!!! I should have saved this money for DC! If I had saved it, I could give it to them. Turns out all my friends have been quietly saving theirs and now have a nice big monet pot to give their DC when they turn 18! Now I feel horrifically guilty that my DC wo t get that, when all their friends will. Oh help, really panicking. I will never, ever be in the financial situation to pay £16,000 back to them. The money goes in to my account each month and first it got spent on nappies, food, supplementing my reduced income, then when they went to school it got used for school uniform, new shoes, clubs, food, etc. Suddenly 12 years has crept up on me and I haven't saved a penny of it. Only 4 years of CHB to go now and then it stops!! I feel like I've seriously failed my DC.

LittleBrownJug · 08/10/2023 18:38

FullMoomin · 08/10/2023 16:15

Just to reply to the posters who've asked why I'm panicking....
It's because my DC are good friends with the DC of these friends.
Or to put it another way, my DC made friends at school and in the area we live in, and I've become friends with their parents.
Also, I remain friends with people I met at university who now have children, similar in age to mine, so my DC are also friends with their DC.
So it's all the about friends who I've asked what they do with their CHB and they've all told me they have saved it since birth, and all seem incredulous that I haven't.
There's no way I could ever have saved my CHB.
People have asked why these parents are giving huge sums of money to 18 year olds.....they're not. Only my colleague said that. And her DC is not going to be spending it carelessly, as has been suggested. He's putting it in to as ISA whilst he works and saves to add to it, with a 5 year plan to then use this as a deposit to buy a flat.
But my own friends have all said they have saved it in their own accounts with the intention to hand over at a later stage in their DC adult lives, when needed. Not when they're 18.
I'm talking 14 friends here. 14 different friends who've all said the same thing.
And they're not lying! They said it an an "Well thats what you do with it, isn't it?" way, looking confused when I said I've always spent mine.
So anyway, getting to the crux of why I'm panicking, it's because my DC, who are friends with all their DC, are going to feel pretty bad, I'm imagining, when all their lifelong mates are handed huge lump sums of money in early adulthood whereas my DC won't be. And based on our financial projections, we're not going to be any more able to give them large amounts of money in the future than we are now. So I'm panicking about feeling like I've failed to financially save to help their futures.
The COL is so high now, property prices extortionate, I look at the future and don't even know how my DC are going to financially manage as young adults.
Maybe my response ties in to lots of other feelings of inadequacy about my ability to provide for my DC. We live in a home that's literally half the size of my DC friends' homes; we drive a 12 year old small car compared to the whopping great big people carriers or SUVs that my DC get to ride in when they get taken out by their friends parents (my friends); I've got a crappie android phone compared to all friends having iphones; DC dont have mobile phones because we can't afford to finance them; we camp in UK every summer compared to all DC friends (my friends) holidaying in their second homes in Europe, America, Switzerland,....I could go on. My DD has a literal boxroom, she's still quite young now but in the future she'll never be able to have teenage friends round to her room, there's no space in there, it has a single bed which touches the little chest of drawers next to it and the drawers touch the wall. It's in no way suitable for an adult room.
People say my DC can live at home as young adults whilst they save up and I'll be able to help them in that way, but my DD does not have a suitable bedroom to be able to stay in as an adult.
We are cramped as it is, beyond belief.
I just feel like such a failure.
I had such high hopes for my future when we had DC. I thought we'd earn more as the years went by but both DH and my salaries have been static for years and in that time the COL has sky rocketed so we've done the maths and worked out that we are actually worse off now than we were 10 years ago. Substantially worse off, not just a bit.
And we're both in professional, well respected occupations.
When we bought this home, we bought it as a starter home, we said it'd be good for starting a family and fine for the early childhood years, with a plan to move on up the chain after about 10 years. This felt reasonable, not unrealistic.
DC are a lot bigger now. We need a bigger bedroom for DD now. We can't even all be in the kitchen at the same time now DC are bigger, there's no room, and they're still only young children!
But there is absolutely no way whatsoever we can afford to take on a bigger mortgage now that interest on mortgages is so high.
I just feel like s**t about it all.
No matter how much people say "Your DC are loved, fed, have a home...." it doesn't make it feel any better.
They notice the comparisons.
It's just a massive financial struggle all of the time, everything's getting more expensive, our wages are staying the same, the DC are getting physically bigger, the house therefore feels like it's getting smaller, our car was fine when they were toddlers but now they get uncomfortable through lack of leg room.....
I don't know, the not having a lump sum of CHB to give them in the future when I've found out all their mates will be getting one and there's no hope of even saving now to make up for it has been the straw that's broken the camel's back I suppose.
I thought we'd be better off 12 years after having DC.
Instead we're poorer and I feel the gap between the haves and have nots is widening.
We're the have nots.
All our friends and DC friends are the haves.
It makes me feel like I've totally failed DC.
And I studied hard all through school, college, university and got a professional career which I've done well in. Same for DH.
But we're struggling so much.
That's why I'm panicking.

Well you’re panicking because you don’t have friends from a range of different income brackets in essence. Which is a bit puzzling considering life’s rich tapestry and all that.

Do your kids go to private school!?

I have a few friends who are much wealthier than me & don’t qualify for CB or tax-free childcare etc. I have friends living the lifestyle with the big house and care but the COL is biting them in the arse, their mortgages are huge and if the high earner lost their job they’d be fucked. I have friends who have average houses have enough to survive, but no foreign holidays, luxuries, and no saving of benefits or any savings at all. And then those who live in social housing or whose DC have complex needs that cost a lot of money that are in no way well off. My DC go to a state primary and this just seems
… normal.

I would hate to be hanging out with exclusively with people more affluent than me bragging about their savings.

Get new friends. Or stop comparing yourself to the ones you have if they genuinely aren’t all smug arseholes with no idea that some people can’t afford to have savings.

ConsuelaHammock · 08/10/2023 18:40

Notinthegroupchats · 08/10/2023 18:03

@ConsuelaHammock the cut off is 50k. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. And as you were so rude to me I’ll throw back at you - why don’t you retrain if you’re so desperate. I work in the public sector too.

The cut off for loosing it completely is £60k?? I thought it was only tapered at £50k. My apologies if I’ve got it wrong.

I enjoy my job and at my age have no desire
to earn a higher wage. I’m not remotely desperate but thank you for your concern.

00100001 · 08/10/2023 19:22

Uggtrending · 08/10/2023 14:56

@00100001 you are clearly from an extremely privileged place for you to actually think and type that benefits are not a way of life. I am very sorry to break it to you but you clearly are misinformed and lacking understanding of people on benefits. Benefits are often a way of life unfortunately for many people.

No I'm not.

I'm just saying that people can choose how to spend their benefits in anyway they please.

00100001 · 08/10/2023 19:24

HulaChick · 08/10/2023 16:24

For goodness sake, if anything, it'll be a good lesson to your daughter to realise not everyone can afford the same things!! Your friends shouldn't even be getting CB if they can so nonchalantly say of course they save it, whatelse us it for?!! As said previously, there is NO WAY I could afford to save CB, I heed every penny. Likewise with the (small) rent my son pays me - it drives me up the wall when certain of my friends say they're just saving it all up ready to give back to them when they're older!!! They are already very well-off and their children are unlikely to ever want for anything but what lessons will they learn about life?? It really pisses me off. And, ffs, don't feel guilty!,

But if they're entitled to it, then they're entitled to it... they aren't stealing anyone's Money.

00100001 · 08/10/2023 19:25

Condo · 08/10/2023 12:37

@00100001 I personally wouldn’t have an issue with it but again it’s a moot point I couldn’t stop it could I?!

my personal belief are that benefits are a safety net not a way of life and if you can afford to not spend it and give it to DC to blow at 18 then you should not be in receipt of it.

Well take that up with the government.

Whattodo112222 · 08/10/2023 19:26

Seriously, calm down OP

WhatapityWapiti · 08/10/2023 19:39

FullMoomin · 08/10/2023 16:15

Just to reply to the posters who've asked why I'm panicking....
It's because my DC are good friends with the DC of these friends.
Or to put it another way, my DC made friends at school and in the area we live in, and I've become friends with their parents.
Also, I remain friends with people I met at university who now have children, similar in age to mine, so my DC are also friends with their DC.
So it's all the about friends who I've asked what they do with their CHB and they've all told me they have saved it since birth, and all seem incredulous that I haven't.
There's no way I could ever have saved my CHB.
People have asked why these parents are giving huge sums of money to 18 year olds.....they're not. Only my colleague said that. And her DC is not going to be spending it carelessly, as has been suggested. He's putting it in to as ISA whilst he works and saves to add to it, with a 5 year plan to then use this as a deposit to buy a flat.
But my own friends have all said they have saved it in their own accounts with the intention to hand over at a later stage in their DC adult lives, when needed. Not when they're 18.
I'm talking 14 friends here. 14 different friends who've all said the same thing.
And they're not lying! They said it an an "Well thats what you do with it, isn't it?" way, looking confused when I said I've always spent mine.
So anyway, getting to the crux of why I'm panicking, it's because my DC, who are friends with all their DC, are going to feel pretty bad, I'm imagining, when all their lifelong mates are handed huge lump sums of money in early adulthood whereas my DC won't be. And based on our financial projections, we're not going to be any more able to give them large amounts of money in the future than we are now. So I'm panicking about feeling like I've failed to financially save to help their futures.
The COL is so high now, property prices extortionate, I look at the future and don't even know how my DC are going to financially manage as young adults.
Maybe my response ties in to lots of other feelings of inadequacy about my ability to provide for my DC. We live in a home that's literally half the size of my DC friends' homes; we drive a 12 year old small car compared to the whopping great big people carriers or SUVs that my DC get to ride in when they get taken out by their friends parents (my friends); I've got a crappie android phone compared to all friends having iphones; DC dont have mobile phones because we can't afford to finance them; we camp in UK every summer compared to all DC friends (my friends) holidaying in their second homes in Europe, America, Switzerland,....I could go on. My DD has a literal boxroom, she's still quite young now but in the future she'll never be able to have teenage friends round to her room, there's no space in there, it has a single bed which touches the little chest of drawers next to it and the drawers touch the wall. It's in no way suitable for an adult room.
People say my DC can live at home as young adults whilst they save up and I'll be able to help them in that way, but my DD does not have a suitable bedroom to be able to stay in as an adult.
We are cramped as it is, beyond belief.
I just feel like such a failure.
I had such high hopes for my future when we had DC. I thought we'd earn more as the years went by but both DH and my salaries have been static for years and in that time the COL has sky rocketed so we've done the maths and worked out that we are actually worse off now than we were 10 years ago. Substantially worse off, not just a bit.
And we're both in professional, well respected occupations.
When we bought this home, we bought it as a starter home, we said it'd be good for starting a family and fine for the early childhood years, with a plan to move on up the chain after about 10 years. This felt reasonable, not unrealistic.
DC are a lot bigger now. We need a bigger bedroom for DD now. We can't even all be in the kitchen at the same time now DC are bigger, there's no room, and they're still only young children!
But there is absolutely no way whatsoever we can afford to take on a bigger mortgage now that interest on mortgages is so high.
I just feel like s**t about it all.
No matter how much people say "Your DC are loved, fed, have a home...." it doesn't make it feel any better.
They notice the comparisons.
It's just a massive financial struggle all of the time, everything's getting more expensive, our wages are staying the same, the DC are getting physically bigger, the house therefore feels like it's getting smaller, our car was fine when they were toddlers but now they get uncomfortable through lack of leg room.....
I don't know, the not having a lump sum of CHB to give them in the future when I've found out all their mates will be getting one and there's no hope of even saving now to make up for it has been the straw that's broken the camel's back I suppose.
I thought we'd be better off 12 years after having DC.
Instead we're poorer and I feel the gap between the haves and have nots is widening.
We're the have nots.
All our friends and DC friends are the haves.
It makes me feel like I've totally failed DC.
And I studied hard all through school, college, university and got a professional career which I've done well in. Same for DH.
But we're struggling so much.
That's why I'm panicking.

But this is about so much more than child benefit. Can you identify why all these other people are so much better off than you? Is this a private sector job vs public sector job thing?

WHALESURPRISE · 08/10/2023 19:43

Your friends are smug gits.

Uggtrending · 08/10/2023 19:47

@WHALESURPRISE I think OP has massively blown this up. So she has 14 friends?? 14 wealthy friends? So weathly they are ALL eligible to claim CB and ALL manage to save it. Give over.

readbooksdrinktea · 08/10/2023 19:50

Now you're ranting, which is fine. Whatever. Fact is, your friends have more money. A lot of us have less money than some of our friends. Me too. Difference is mine aren't smug about it.

Life isn't fair. At least you have a mortgage and a partner to help with bills. And qualify for CB. It's not all bad. Stop comparing with friends.

Ted27 · 08/10/2023 19:54

@FullMoomin

on a practical panicking about this will get you precisely nowhere.

You cannot change the last 12 years, you needed the money, you spent it. Its gone, used to support your children as it was intended to do.

You never know what will happen in the future - I didnt expect redundancy this year and while it wasnt a huge amount, it was enough to sort out a few things and throw a few thousand towards my son.
Maybe job prospects will improve, maybe there will be a promotion - lots of things could happen.

You are clearly not as well off as your friends but one thing I have learned in life is that there is always someone better off than you, and also usually worse off than you.
There is no shame in having a small house, have you thought maybe one day you will be mortgage free whilst your friends are still paying off their nice big houses? one of my best friends has just finished a self build, lovely location, great garden, all the latest eco tech and top of the range kitchen and posh bathrooms. They also have a mortgage whilst I’m sitting mortgage free in my battered old Victorian terrace.

I know which I prefer. Being mortgage free means that for the first time I can put a bit aside for my son.
At some point everyone realises that families are different, live in different houses with more or less money. I don’t think it does children any harm to realise that. Maybe it will get themthinking about what they want to achieve.

A couple of my friends will inherit significant sums, I will inherit nothing. Im not angry, ashamed or envious, its just how it is

Whattodo112222 · 08/10/2023 19:54

If you've raised your children as empathetic, decent and understanding individuals then you really have nothing to worry about.
You're not a failure.
You spent the CB as it should've been, like millions of others in the UK.
I really would stop catastrophising

Hufflepods · 08/10/2023 19:55

@WHALESURPRISE Your friends are smug gits.

Why though? For not lying to make the OP feel better? It seems like she heard that her coworker saved money for her children and OP went out of her way to ask 13 other parents she knows about whether they save money for their children.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 08/10/2023 19:57

I think this friends are bs-ing or should be embarrassed to take state money that they don’t need. No 18 yo needs £20,000 ffs where did this idea hatch from that we owe our children thousands in savings

Bigcat25 · 08/10/2023 20:13

Agree with those who said handing a young person a large sum of money can be a bad move. My neighbor was just telling me a horrifying story about this happening in her family.

Of course some young people will be better with money than others. Most lotto winners lose it all in three years.

Gem397 · 08/10/2023 20:13

OP, that’s a good point someone else has raised: they aren’t that well off if they have CB. We’d have to pay it all back in tax and I wouldn’t consider us “wealthy”. Sounds like your friends are telling porkies or like to project a certain image of themselves.

PosterBoy · 08/10/2023 20:15

Sumtimesiamgreen · 08/10/2023 19:57

I think this friends are bs-ing or should be embarrassed to take state money that they don’t need. No 18 yo needs £20,000 ffs where did this idea hatch from that we owe our children thousands in savings

Seen the price of houses lately?

pinksheetss · 08/10/2023 20:22

Gem397 · 08/10/2023 20:13

OP, that’s a good point someone else has raised: they aren’t that well off if they have CB. We’d have to pay it all back in tax and I wouldn’t consider us “wealthy”. Sounds like your friends are telling porkies or like to project a certain image of themselves.

Hmm, well technically (in Scotland) you could have two parents both working and earning 49k each a year so 98k household income and still be entitled to the child benefit
I would say that's well off?

Gem397 · 08/10/2023 20:39

pinksheetss · 08/10/2023 20:22

Hmm, well technically (in Scotland) you could have two parents both working and earning 49k each a year so 98k household income and still be entitled to the child benefit
I would say that's well off?

Show quote history

We’re in London but I know what you mean. I said before that I believe it’s the same for nursery free hours here: Two could be earning very high and just fall under it (poss by pension contributions being increased?) and still get the hours. I don’t know the exact figure and rules around reducing salary through pension contributions but it’s not a great system.

Original poster

FullMoomin · 08/10/2023 20:47

Gem397 · 08/10/2023 20:13

OP, that’s a good point someone else has raised: they aren’t that well off if they have CB. We’d have to pay it all back in tax and I wouldn’t consider us “wealthy”. Sounds like your friends are telling porkies or like to project a certain image of themselves.

They are all couples, the friends I'm quoting.
They all work.
They are not lying.
And yes, I categorically set out to ask them all specifically if they save or spend their CHB. They are not 'showing off' or 'smug'.
They just answered honestly.
Why do so many people think this means they are lying?!?
No my DC don't go to private school, of course not. If I could afford private education then I wouldn't be worrying about not being able to save CHB.
I'd love a more varied set of friends actually, as has been suggested. I used to really enjoy knowing people from all different walks of life when I was younger.
I don't have that variety or cross section of friends anymore. I miss it. I think it's to do with where we have ended up living - what has become a very affluent area with lots of people moving to this area with young families from London, buying huge houses with money to spare from their London sale. Didn't used to be affluent here, used to be much more 'normal familiies' type of area, but it's changed a lot over recent years and is now seen as highly desirable.
I'm not 'ranting ' in my previous post. I'm just talking.

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 08/10/2023 20:49

Another one saying if you can afford to save it then don't claim it.

We were on the threshold of having DH earning a fraction over £50k after pension, I was earning very little but that didn't matter and we kept having to pay most of ours back so we just stopped claiming.

Ssme92 · 08/10/2023 20:52

OP I grew up in a family with "less" in comparison to those around me. I didn't go on my first summer trip abroad until my teens, other friends were going to America! Christmas presents were worth far less than my cousins' or friends'. And guess what..... I never ever noticed! The only reason I know now is because my mother told us how embarrassed she'd be at Christmas when others were getting more than us! Children are happy with what they've got. There'll always be a certain "but that person has X, Y and Z that I want" but as you are proving, that extends into adulthood and doesn't leave us. You are panicking far too much! Even if they are a little jealous of their friends getting handed lump sums which would be normal, do you honestly think your children would hold that against you or say it to you??

Side note... Just want to give a special shout out to all those people who keep quoting OPs big long post making me scroll and scroll and scroll to read comments! We are all here replying to OP 🙄

Twentypastfour · 08/10/2023 20:58

I thought the point of means testing child benefit these days (even if done in quite a stupid way) was the give CB to the families who need it? You needed it, you spent it - that’s the point.

YoBeaches · 08/10/2023 21:14

It sounds like you are a single parent though and your comparing your financial
Wealth to 2 adults income?

If they were single parents they wouldn't have been able to save it either?

You sound like your worried your kids will be mad at you... which is a bit ridiculous. They will already be aware of difference in wealth amongst this group based on your description.

Holidays in second houses in Europe but claiming CB? Takes the piss a bit don't you think?

Ssme92 · 08/10/2023 21:27

@YoBeaches OP mentions a DH in one of her most recent updates so not a single parent