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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to not attend BIL wedding?

93 replies

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 14:39

Sorry this is going to be long winded, but I think it's important for all the details to be shared so you have the full picture.

I have been with my girlfriend (same sex couple) for 4 years, my girlfriends brother is getting married in August next year. My girlfriend is a bridesmaid in the wedding party so will be quite heavily involved in it all..

However I do not want to go and this caused a massive amount of tension/strain for the past couple of days since I bought up that I wouldn't be attending

The bride has been with the brother 6 years and whenever I have been around her and my GF's brother, I have been very amicable and I would say we are friendly with one another, i.e christmas gifts, coming over to our house for tea, spending time on days out occassionally, she's somone I see 2 x times a month, sometimes more - so we are not estranged.

There was a hen do for the bride, a few weeks back, my GF was invited along with my GF's other brothers girlfriend (of 1YR) and my MIL and mutual friends - I was excluded from this. The reasons being that because we are a same sex couple she didn't think it would be 'fair' for the other people there to have a couple in attendance when all the other women had left their boyfriends/husbands at home. My GF did challenge this only after I had made a comment about this and said that if I was a male, I'd of been invited to the stag do, so I wouldn't of been excluded entirely from the fun, where as everyone else got to go.

I'm obviously hurt and upset about being excluded and had to watch through social media all the fun everyone else was having..I have known SIL for 4 years, so I don't think its the amount of time me and GF have been together that's the issue. We are in a serious relationship and have bought a house together, I'm not a new date on the scene.

It all came to a head a few days ago, when I told her I didn't feel comfortable attending the wedding, I feel like a pity invite, I haven't been added to the group chat made about the wedding, nor have I recieved a physical invite just verbal confirmation from my girlfriend I'm invited. I just feel I'm not exactly wanted there, the hen/do has clearly shown her feelings towards me.

My GF is staying the night before the wedding, along with people that aren't in the bridal party (again I've been excluded from this) - so I've said I won't be going, and I'll be telling the bride/groom my reasons.

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it, and has been giving me the silent tratment for the last couple of days, and I feel anxious with the situation now and like I should just say yes, to appease her - despite me not wanting to go. Before the silent treatment began, she had been asking me quite a few times to please just go, I kept saying no and she just kept asking. I feel like I'm being manipulated.. I know she's upset because I won't be there however I feel like my reasons are valid and should be respected. I want her to go, and enjoy her time with her family at the wedding and celebrate, I just don't want to have to go with her...

So AIBU?

OP posts:

AReallyOldBobTheBuilderFlannel · 07/10/2023 14:44

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it

You are really. You didn’t get an invite to a hen do, so now it seems you are stamping your feet and saying ‘well I’m not going to the wedding then’.

xyz111 · 07/10/2023 14:44

Hmmm tricky. I would go just to save any arguments within the family and make it worse, but I understand how you feel.

zurala · 07/10/2023 14:47

I'm more concerned about her giving you the silent treatment as that's an abuse tactic. How are things in your relationship generally? Do you know why she hasn't stuck up for you with her brother and his fiancee?

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 14:47

AReallyOldBobTheBuilderFlannel · 07/10/2023 14:44

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it

You are really. You didn’t get an invite to a hen do, so now it seems you are stamping your feet and saying ‘well I’m not going to the wedding then’.

She hasn't had an invitation to the wedding either...

aSofaNearYou · 07/10/2023 14:47

Do you have any reason to think her reason for not inviting you to the hen do wasn't genuine? I mean I think it's daft, but that doesn't mean she was making it up and actually has negative feelings towards you.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 14:47

xyz111 · 07/10/2023 14:44

Hmmm tricky. I would go just to save any arguments within the family and make it worse, but I understand how you feel.

So what happens on the next big occasion? (and there will be one)

HoneyBadger525 · 07/10/2023 14:48

Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do for the sake of our loved ones. Its her family and I don’t think it’s worth making it difficult for her. You weren’t invited to the hen do - so what? She can invite whoever she likes. Perhaps she’s closer to the brother’s girlfriend which is why she was. It’s not always about how long you’ve known each other. I get that it’s upset you but the day is absolutely nothing to do with you, really. Personally I’d suck it up for the sake of my partner.

Fahbeep · 07/10/2023 14:50

YABU. The Bride's hen do slight (as you saw it) was a bit rough for you, so you punish them all by spoiling the whole family mood at the actual wedding. It's a wedding, it's about them, not you. And it won't be forgotten afterwards. You will lay a foundation for years of unnecessary family resentments. Apologise to your GF and get on with it. You might have a nice time if you allow yourself too!

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2023 14:51

You're throwing a ridiculous tantrum because you wanted to go to the hen party and are going to ruin the event for your partner, who will be asked where you are by 101 people.

Ponderingwindow · 07/10/2023 14:51

You haven’t received an invitation because you are a plus one.

not everyone attends the hen do.

NowYouSee · 07/10/2023 14:51

So the hen do took place in September 2023 but the actual wedding isn’t until August 2024, really?

Keepingthingsinteresting · 07/10/2023 14:52

I get you OP. Whether or not the reason for being excluded from the hen do is true or not, that would have really stung. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but I wouldn’t go to the wedding. If your girlfriend makes a big deal of it that her choice, but the silent treatment is abusive plus she hasn’t supported you in any of the other stuff, so frankly she seems more concerned with her life being easy than your feelings.

Dulra · 07/10/2023 14:53

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 14:47

She hasn't had an invitation to the wedding either...

Show quote history

That's nit picking she has a verbal invite. I never got a physical invite to my brother's wedding but knew me and my dh and kids were all invited!

MCOut · 07/10/2023 14:55

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I see your logic regarding the hen, I genuinely can’t fathom what triggered the brides mental gymnastics. That being said I don’t think you should make a big deal out of it at the end of the day it is not about you. It’s not normal practice to give one half of a couple their own invite.

YABU, I think you need to find some perspective, suck it up and go. Even if you decide not to, definitely do not bother the couple with this. It would be completely unnecessary drama. talk to your partner about the silent treatment though, even if you’re in the wrong that’s not on.

Octobermeterreadtime · 07/10/2023 14:56

Does the sil have any friends in same sex relationships?

Muddywalks34 · 07/10/2023 14:56

My SIL didn’t invite me to her hen do, my husband went to his brothers, I wasn’t part of the bridal party, my husband was. If my husband had a sister I would of invited her to my hen do (husband invited my brothers to his) but I didn’t invite any of my SILs. We all get on very well when we do meet up. I can sort of see why your upset but I think your also reading too much into it and should go, you chucking your toys out of the pram because your girlfriends brothers future wife didn’t invite you to her hen do, won’t achieve anything other than future problems within the family

parietal · 07/10/2023 14:57

You are being ridiculous and self centred. This is not your wedding, you are invited as a plus one so smile and get out your hat and go. Don't create arguments for no reason.

Octonaut4Life · 07/10/2023 14:58

I understand why you're upset about the hen do, you have every right to be a bit upset about that. But refusing to go to the whole wedding because of it and some other pretty minor perceived slights comes across as pretty childish. You're not going to the wedding because of your connection to the bride but because of your connection to the groom - who as far as I can see has done nothing wrong. Not to mention that the only person you'll actually end up punishing by doing this is your partner.

pikkumyy77 · 07/10/2023 14:58

Its about the hen do but not about the hen do. OP you have really poor communication with your gf and that needs to be solved. You put too big a demand on her and she has responded by giving up negotiating/the silent treatment. Thats a terrible cycle to be in. Your relationship with her and hers with her family are much more important than your hurt feelings over the hen do. Try to move past this by generously apologizing and agreeing to go to the wedding and resume amicable relations with the bride. You gain nothing good by creating hostility.

Andylion · 07/10/2023 14:59

There was a thread on here about a group of friends where someone, in a same sex couple, kept including her partner when her friend group got together. The Op and others saw it as including partners, ot just women getting together, and felt it changed the dynamic.

Maybe the same thing happened here, you are seen as the partner of the groom’s sister.

Why would you expect to be part of the wedding chat?

Did your partner receive a proper wedding invitation?

PhoenixReincarnated · 07/10/2023 14:59

Tbh OP I'd be more concerned about the abusive arsehole you're in a relationship with.

Peachy2005 · 07/10/2023 15:00

Will you be on your own at the wedding as your DP will be busy with wedding party duties and sitting on the top table? Maybe there could be a compromise of you coming along in the evening (if they’re having some evening-only guests) when it’s more relaxed?

It’s tricky as the reason for not inviting you to the hen does seem a bit spurious…but sometimes you have to be the bigger person, if you’re in the relationship for the long haul.

Businessflake · 07/10/2023 15:01

Why have they had a hen do nearly a year ahead of the wedding?

Why would they have sent invites out this early?

Having a couple on a hen do would massively change the vibe, no matter what their sex.

Stop making this about you OP.

pickledandpuzzled · 07/10/2023 15:02

Yes, you’re setting off down a tricky path.

Your girlfriend can’t control the invitations.
When you take yourself out of it, The bride and groom are inviting the bridesmaids to some extra parts of the event, and their partners to just the wedding.

That’s ok.

AWIAANGAF · 07/10/2023 15:02

I can see your point of view.
I think the bit I wouldn’t like is that your GF is perfectly happy for you to be excluded and it seems she hasn’t picked them up on it, but is ‘punishing’ you with the silent treatment for your reaction to the exclusion.
You are human. It hurts to be excluded. As it was splashed over social media lots of other people will also know you were excluded. Your GF should at least acknowledge you are hurt by this.

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