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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to not attend BIL wedding?

93 replies

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 14:39

Sorry this is going to be long winded, but I think it's important for all the details to be shared so you have the full picture.

I have been with my girlfriend (same sex couple) for 4 years, my girlfriends brother is getting married in August next year. My girlfriend is a bridesmaid in the wedding party so will be quite heavily involved in it all..

However I do not want to go and this caused a massive amount of tension/strain for the past couple of days since I bought up that I wouldn't be attending

The bride has been with the brother 6 years and whenever I have been around her and my GF's brother, I have been very amicable and I would say we are friendly with one another, i.e christmas gifts, coming over to our house for tea, spending time on days out occassionally, she's somone I see 2 x times a month, sometimes more - so we are not estranged.

There was a hen do for the bride, a few weeks back, my GF was invited along with my GF's other brothers girlfriend (of 1YR) and my MIL and mutual friends - I was excluded from this. The reasons being that because we are a same sex couple she didn't think it would be 'fair' for the other people there to have a couple in attendance when all the other women had left their boyfriends/husbands at home. My GF did challenge this only after I had made a comment about this and said that if I was a male, I'd of been invited to the stag do, so I wouldn't of been excluded entirely from the fun, where as everyone else got to go.

I'm obviously hurt and upset about being excluded and had to watch through social media all the fun everyone else was having..I have known SIL for 4 years, so I don't think its the amount of time me and GF have been together that's the issue. We are in a serious relationship and have bought a house together, I'm not a new date on the scene.

It all came to a head a few days ago, when I told her I didn't feel comfortable attending the wedding, I feel like a pity invite, I haven't been added to the group chat made about the wedding, nor have I recieved a physical invite just verbal confirmation from my girlfriend I'm invited. I just feel I'm not exactly wanted there, the hen/do has clearly shown her feelings towards me.

My GF is staying the night before the wedding, along with people that aren't in the bridal party (again I've been excluded from this) - so I've said I won't be going, and I'll be telling the bride/groom my reasons.

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it, and has been giving me the silent tratment for the last couple of days, and I feel anxious with the situation now and like I should just say yes, to appease her - despite me not wanting to go. Before the silent treatment began, she had been asking me quite a few times to please just go, I kept saying no and she just kept asking. I feel like I'm being manipulated.. I know she's upset because I won't be there however I feel like my reasons are valid and should be respected. I want her to go, and enjoy her time with her family at the wedding and celebrate, I just don't want to have to go with her...

So AIBU?

OP posts:

unbelieveable22 · 07/10/2023 19:44

All close female members of the family were invited, including another BILs girlfriend of 1 year, but you were the only female excluded. YANBU
It was a mean thing to do. I understand you feel uncomfortable and possibly questioning what some members really think of your relationship. Your partner has failed to support you or even try to understand how you might be feeling. To give you the silent treatment is concerning.

Original poster

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 20:02

Wow, I didn’t expect this many replies..to answer just a few points,

I’m not thinking that because I’m in a same/sex relationship I am special - I know I am not, I have enough in my life with people being homophobic without believing I am special because I’m in a relationship with a women - in reply to poster.

My gripe is I am the only female in our family that has been quite obviously excluded not just from the hen do, of course she can invite who she likes, but to the group chat (everyone else is in this) the stay before the wedding, all topic of conversation regarding it - quite clearly I feeling like I’m unwelcome which obviously has come as a shock considering I see SIL quite often and have gotten on very well with her for 4 years enough that we holidayed together last year.

GF’s other brothers girlfriend, they have been together for a year - they do get on well I believe although they live 2.5 hrs drive from SIL & BIL and all of us, so as far as I’m aware they have only see each other at family events which I’m also in attendance and it tends to be a group with all of us having a few drinks and chatting together.

It’s clear the majority think I’m being unreasonable, so I will try and talk to my partner when she’s home from the gym and apologise. I never wanted to cause any issues between her & her family, I just wanted to voice my opinion and hurt and quite clearly the narrative is I should just ‘put up and shut up’ and go along for the day to avoid issues with family in the long run.

OP posts:

JC89 · 07/10/2023 20:05

A wedding is between 2 people, do you have something against the groom (whose side you would be on if he is your girlfriend's brother) or just the bride? It sounds like YABU as it is his wedding, you are his sister's partner and you haven't said he's done anything wrong.

KatMcBundleFace · 07/10/2023 20:13

Good decision OP, its the right one, I really hope the wedding is OK for you in the end x

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 07/10/2023 20:24

Sorry but it's her hen and she can invite who she wants. Do you have an individual relationship with her? Text go for coffee drinks etc?
And who're the people you're saying are staying with the bride night before wedding am assuming they're closer to her than husband to be's, sister's partner?

Edited to add that there's been a lag in my post posting!

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 07/10/2023 20:32

But thinking that it's about you 'putting and shutting up' is still dramatising it?

Incognito2023 · 07/10/2023 20:38

It was definitely mean to leave you out of the hen do but that has now been and gone and it would be petty to refuse to attend the wedding because of it. Think you have to let that one go now.

It’s also way too early for official invites to be sent out. Although, I don’t remember sending formal invites to my siblings (or their partners) for my wedding - we all just knew… so perhaps don’t be sensitive about that either?

However, it’s not too late to change the other things.

Don’t do it as an ultimatum though, but I do think that you should make it very clear to the bride how hurt you are to be excluded from the group WhatsApp chat, IF the other brother’s GF is on there? Or is it blood family only?

Re: the night before the wedding - again not fair to leave you out. But maybe ask why and offer to pay (if cost is an issue) - what is the situation with those people staying who aren’t included in the wedding party? Try and understand reasoning before just assuming you are not wanted

Original poster

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 20:38

I wouldn’t say I’m dramatising it, if I don’t go I’m being dramatic, however if I do go I’m dramatising it? I can’t win in either situation, I’m hurt about the situation quite obviously however I’m in the wrong for my reaction and I will apologise to my partner when she’s home from the gym if she wants to talk to me and I will attend the wedding as I do not want to cause any issues long term with her family considering in 4 years there hasn’t been one. Not sure what else to tell you?

OP posts:

Original poster

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 20:40

@Incognito2023

The others brother girlfriend is in the WhatsApp group, along with my GF, SIL, MIL and other relatives & friends. I am the only female member of the family not in it.

OP posts:

Incognito2023 · 07/10/2023 20:42

Good for you on deciding to go. That’s best decision for the long term relationships with everyone.

But I still think that people should understand you’re feeling hurt and that your girlfriend should be standing up for you.
As I said above, it’s not too late for the other things to be changed

Incognito2023 · 07/10/2023 20:43

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 20:40

@Incognito2023

The others brother girlfriend is in the WhatsApp group, along with my GF, SIL, MIL and other relatives & friends. I am the only female member of the family not in it.

Then it is definitely shocking for you to be left out – I am appalled on your behalf

Ssme92 · 07/10/2023 20:48

Is the WhatsApp group for the wedding or is it a hen party group?

You are not wrong to be upset over being left out but your GF will have a miserable day at the wedding without you so your wish of her going and having fun won't happen. People will be asking her all day where you are. If I was in her position, not having my partner attend would ruin the day for me.

pickledandpuzzled · 07/10/2023 20:49

I think you are seeing things very personally, which are actually a bit less targeted than that.
I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to all the bits you’ve mentioned- but I don’t know the make up of the group the way you do.

To be honest, group dynamics are really subtle and complicated. You are a female relative’s partner, rather than a woman in the family. It’s a very slightly different position from a male relative’s partner.

It’s possibly sexist. It’s like, the sons’ girlfriends have to be kept on side because sons can be inattentive with their families. It’s often the female partners who do the family work. Your partner is a daughter, they don’t need to rope you into the family in quite the same way.

I’m sorry you are feeling left out. If you’d led with feeling a bit insecure and left out rather than being insulted and expecting your girlfriend to back you up, she may have been more sympathetic.

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 20:58

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 20:38

OP people on here are being unnecessarily harsh. You're absolutely right to feel hurt at being left out.
I don't think it's anything personal related to you. It's the question of 'partner'. As a PP have said couples at events for sides split by sex often change the dynamic. I think they should still have invited you regardless because it's pretty obvious as part of a same sex couple you'd be left out. Also... just because you're a 'couple' doesn't mean you're going to stick to your partner the entire time or be all lovey dovey at someone else's hen.

Did it include 'not for partner's eyes' events like having a male stripper...?

Original poster

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 21:03

@PikachuChickenRice

Thank you, no me and my GF aren’t lovey/dovey or all over each other. I could easily manage a weekend without touching her or being all over her unlike some other posters suggest, I would have never gone and intentionally caused discomfort/awkwardness to anyone.

No, there weren’t any male strippers. It was actually nice & tame.

OP posts:

zeibesaffron · 07/10/2023 21:18

My sister didn’t send me a wedding invite either- I was her maid of honour. People often don’t in families!!! and why would you stay with the bridal party the night before - if you are not part of the bridal group??

I can see the bit about the hen do but ultimately people can invite who they want too.

This is not about you - this is your GF’s family wedding and I think you should go!

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 21:21

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 21:03

@PikachuChickenRice

No, there weren’t any male strippers. It was actually nice & tame.

In that case I'm surprised she isn't at least more upset on your behalf.
I hate this notion that socialising without your OH is some kind of massive imposition so it wouldn't be 'fair' to others to have you their when their OH's weren't. It sounds ridiculous.

You are owed an apology IMO but, the key here is your GF should be pushing it not you. It's not on for her to give you the silent treatment.

Go for the sake of familial relations but she does not really have your back IMO. I'd be quite careful if this behaviour manifests elsewhere...

Grammarnut · 08/10/2023 22:12

You are being a bit unreasonable. The bride invites who she wants for her hen night and gave a reasonable explanation, not one I'd go for (I'd have invited you) but not evidence she doesn't like you. Go to the wedding. It's not about you, but about the couple, so don't spoil their day by upsetting your GF. Also, suggest you explore the 'silent treatment' (sulking) by your GF over this - sulking at a partner is aggressive and it needs to be addressed (probably after the wedding - weddings cause all sorts of tensions in families).

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