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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to not attend BIL wedding?

93 replies

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 14:39

Sorry this is going to be long winded, but I think it's important for all the details to be shared so you have the full picture.

I have been with my girlfriend (same sex couple) for 4 years, my girlfriends brother is getting married in August next year. My girlfriend is a bridesmaid in the wedding party so will be quite heavily involved in it all..

However I do not want to go and this caused a massive amount of tension/strain for the past couple of days since I bought up that I wouldn't be attending

The bride has been with the brother 6 years and whenever I have been around her and my GF's brother, I have been very amicable and I would say we are friendly with one another, i.e christmas gifts, coming over to our house for tea, spending time on days out occassionally, she's somone I see 2 x times a month, sometimes more - so we are not estranged.

There was a hen do for the bride, a few weeks back, my GF was invited along with my GF's other brothers girlfriend (of 1YR) and my MIL and mutual friends - I was excluded from this. The reasons being that because we are a same sex couple she didn't think it would be 'fair' for the other people there to have a couple in attendance when all the other women had left their boyfriends/husbands at home. My GF did challenge this only after I had made a comment about this and said that if I was a male, I'd of been invited to the stag do, so I wouldn't of been excluded entirely from the fun, where as everyone else got to go.

I'm obviously hurt and upset about being excluded and had to watch through social media all the fun everyone else was having..I have known SIL for 4 years, so I don't think its the amount of time me and GF have been together that's the issue. We are in a serious relationship and have bought a house together, I'm not a new date on the scene.

It all came to a head a few days ago, when I told her I didn't feel comfortable attending the wedding, I feel like a pity invite, I haven't been added to the group chat made about the wedding, nor have I recieved a physical invite just verbal confirmation from my girlfriend I'm invited. I just feel I'm not exactly wanted there, the hen/do has clearly shown her feelings towards me.

My GF is staying the night before the wedding, along with people that aren't in the bridal party (again I've been excluded from this) - so I've said I won't be going, and I'll be telling the bride/groom my reasons.

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it, and has been giving me the silent tratment for the last couple of days, and I feel anxious with the situation now and like I should just say yes, to appease her - despite me not wanting to go. Before the silent treatment began, she had been asking me quite a few times to please just go, I kept saying no and she just kept asking. I feel like I'm being manipulated.. I know she's upset because I won't be there however I feel like my reasons are valid and should be respected. I want her to go, and enjoy her time with her family at the wedding and celebrate, I just don't want to have to go with her...

So AIBU?

OP posts:

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 15:49

I think it's all a bit shit for your girlfriend. Not being invited to a hen night is not a valid reason to refuse to go to a wedding.

You could be offended if you were not invited to the actual wedding, but you are.

It's not even your girlfriend's sister, it's her brother's girlfriend! She really does not have to make bestie with everyone linked to the family. It was already nice of her to invite your girlfriend, when it's common enough to stick to friends only for your hen night.

No one would say you were unreasonable not to invite your girlfriend brother's girlfriend to your own hen do...

HarpieDuJour · 07/10/2023 15:52

I can sort of maybe see the reasoning behind not inviting you to the hen do, although IME it has always been about women rather than who is sleeping with who else. The not being able to stay the night before the wedding seems really "off" though. If you would be apart for most of the day, would your girlfriend really feel your absence? Do you know many people who will be there, or would you feel like a bit of a spare part?

Are you surprised by this? Do they maybe think that you are nice enough to see occasionally but not for the long term? Or have they led you to believe that they fully welcome you into their family? Does the bride maybe have very conservative parents? It would feel exclusionary to me, but it seems like a really weird thing to have come out of nowhere.

As others have said, silent treatment is not okay. Neither is badgering you to ignore your own feelings and not rock the boat.

Delmedio · 07/10/2023 15:53

Common sense suggests that an exception has to be made in the no partners rule for hen nights when there's a lesbian couple as the 'other' half can't be invited to the stag do!!!

It's about women to have a good time.

God people are so thick.

CherryMaDeara · 07/10/2023 15:55

YANBU, I wouldn’t want to go if I’m excluded the night before the wedding as well.

The hen do thing, I would have advised just letting it go, even though their reasoning is shit, because as you say, everyone else is invited to either the hen do or the stag EXCEPT you.

However, you are excluded from the wedding chat group.

You are excluded from the accomodation before the wedding.

I think that’s the problem ere, it all adds up to too many exclusions.

BeignetPommes · 07/10/2023 15:55

My SIL didn’t invite me to her hen do, my husband went to his brothers

I've got 3 sisters in law and I wasn't invited to any hens. We get on ok, but we're not 'friends' as such. I only know them because they are partners of dh's siblings.

It never occurred to me that I should have been invited.

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 16:01

Delmedio · 07/10/2023 15:53

Common sense suggests that an exception has to be made in the no partners rule for hen nights when there's a lesbian couple as the 'other' half can't be invited to the stag do!!!

It's about women to have a good time.

God people are so thick.

what nonsense, since when are hen nights and stag do a mirror of each other?

Being invited to one doesn't mean your partner is invited to the other! Your husband-to-be invites his brothers, since when does it mean you have to invite their wives and girlfriends?

It doesn't happen, no need to make stuff up

WhatNoRaisins · 07/10/2023 16:01

I've always thought I'd never be keen to attend a wedding as the partner of someone in a wedding party. For that alone I don't think you'd be unreasonable to decline or just do the evening with the logic that it would be more fun for your partner.

Cakecakecheese · 07/10/2023 16:02

I had a gay couple at my hen do and it didn't change any dynamics.
I can see why you're a bit put out but both of you are being childish, you by refusing to go to the wedding and your partner by giving you the silent treatment.

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 16:05

I wouldn’t want to go if I’m excluded the night before the wedding as well.

why should the wedding be about YOU?
It's perfectly normal to invite your wedding party only, not their partners, the kids and everyone else.

It's the same with whatsapp group. Being a same-sex couple doesn't mean you are special or you have to be included any differently. Small family chat doesn't have to include all the partners, husband and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends...

Delmedio · 07/10/2023 16:06

Cakecakecheese · 07/10/2023 16:02

Course it didn't change any dynamics because the couple were women above everything else - including their sexuality.

The OP should not want to be involved with this family anyway. They're dumb as fuck.

CherryMaDeara · 07/10/2023 16:06

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 16:01

what nonsense, since when are hen nights and stag do a mirror of each other?

Being invited to one doesn't mean your partner is invited to the other! Your husband-to-be invites his brothers, since when does it mean you have to invite their wives and girlfriends?

It doesn't happen, no need to make stuff up

Show quote history

The issue here is OP’s MIL, and her GF’s other brothers girlfriend are invited.

It’s just OP being excluded.

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 16:09

CherryMaDeara · 07/10/2023 16:06

The issue here is OP’s MIL, and her GF’s other brothers girlfriend are invited.

It’s just OP being excluded.

Show quote history

or more accurately, she is not "excluded" at all, but the bride to be is close to the others for any reason, and that's why they are invited.

I am guessing the wedding is not all about the OP, and people don't spend as much time thinking about her or thinking of ways to "exclude" her as she believes.

Not being invited to the wedding, the one event that matters, would be an insult. Nothing else is.

moose62 · 07/10/2023 16:12

If you don't want to go, don't go! I think they have treated you quite badly, and your DP is bullying you. I would just reply to the invitation, oh yes, you didn't get one, that you are unable to attend....nothing else.

CherryMaDeara · 07/10/2023 16:15

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 16:09

or more accurately, she is not "excluded" at all, but the bride to be is close to the others for any reason, and that's why they are invited.

I am guessing the wedding is not all about the OP, and people don't spend as much time thinking about her or thinking of ways to "exclude" her as she believes.

Not being invited to the wedding, the one event that matters, would be an insult. Nothing else is.

Show quote history

The bride’s brother’s girlfriend of 1 year is invited. I doubt the bride is closer to her, but only OP can confirm.

The bride can invite who she wants, but not be annoyed when OP doesn’t want to attend the wedding.

Cordeliathecat · 07/10/2023 16:22

I didn’t get invited to SIL’s hen do, it didn’t occur to me to mind. DH was best man for his DB so obviously went on stag do. Also didn’t receive official invitation but as I’m married to the best man who is also the groom’s brother, it was a given that I was invited, obviously. I don’t think I sent invites for my own wedding to the wedding party and their other halves.

Privately, I’m not a massive fan of my BIL and his now wife, but of course I went to the wedding with a big smile on my face for the sake of my DH. Anything else would be petty and awkward for my DH.

You are making this all about you. It has nothing to do with you. You need to stop being so sensitive. Just go and have a lovely day.

SunshineAndFizz · 07/10/2023 16:30

This is petty, not going to the wedding because you weren't at the hen. It's totally her decision if she wants couples at her hen or not, it's her hen.

Do you hang out with SIL just the two of you? Message regularly? If you and your partner split up would you stay friends with her?

BerriesNutsConkers · 07/10/2023 16:37

You are in a long term relationship with your girlfriend. I understand that you feel slighted by not being invited to the hen do but you are turning this into a bigger issue than it needs to be!
Be the better person. Go to the wedding and don't put your girlfriend in the difficult position of having to side with you or her family. Sometimes you just have to compromise in a relationship when it comes to families, it's not worth falling out over.

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 17:04

CherryMaDeara · 07/10/2023 16:15

The bride’s brother’s girlfriend of 1 year is invited. I doubt the bride is closer to her, but only OP can confirm.

The bride can invite who she wants, but not be annoyed when OP doesn’t want to attend the wedding.

Edited

Show quote history

what do you mean, you "doubt"? You have no idea. She could be her best friend for all I know, or she's met her once and liked the look of her? Who knows.

I could guess that the OP is not invited because the bride would rather a drama-free hen, but we don't know either.

I've seen a lot of posters being offended by an invit to a hen night (the cost, the bother..) posters being offended to be part of a hen, but not invited to a wedding, but people refusing to attend a wedding because they are not in the hen, that's new!

VineRipened · 07/10/2023 17:11

Really horrible that you were not invited to the Hen.

They are for female family and friends.

Which you are.

OK, maybe a fleeting realisation that everyone else (unless other sane sex couples in the circle) would be there without partners, and that befits the ribald nature of some stag and hen events, but surely people would just shrug, rather than exclude someone who is regular extended family.

In the end it is the bride who behaved in an excluding way, not your GF’s brother. I probably would go because it is your GF’s brother, and a big permanent rift will affect every single family occasion for decades to come.

Get engaged to your Gf, blow your SIL’s mind by having a joint bride plus bride hen , and invite her.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/10/2023 17:54

I think you are being very dramatic and self centered. It's not about you but you are trying to make it about you.

In some cases, people invite their inlaws to a hen. You aren't an inlaw. The fact you are female and in a same sex couple doesn't change that. The bride doesn't see you as a close friend so you weren't invited but she's inviting you to her wedding as the partner of her SIL.

PedrosHag · 07/10/2023 18:08

Fahbeep · 07/10/2023 14:50

YABU. The Bride's hen do slight (as you saw it) was a bit rough for you, so you punish them all by spoiling the whole family mood at the actual wedding. It's a wedding, it's about them, not you. And it won't be forgotten afterwards. You will lay a foundation for years of unnecessary family resentments. Apologise to your GF and get on with it. You might have a nice time if you allow yourself too!

I agree.

Pretendthatwearedead · 07/10/2023 18:49

I wouldn't want to go but probably would if my gf really wanted me to. They aren't insulting you. They are insulting her by not treating her gf properly. Nothing to do with you and everything to do with how her family treat her. I would go and support her.

ellie09 · 07/10/2023 19:07

I wouldn't have been too hung up on not getting an invite to the hen do. She likely invited those closest to her. Traditionally, partners don't go to the same hen/stag do so naturally she would invite her fiance's sister rather than his sister's girlfriend in that situation. On the night, I'd have wished her a great night then organized a night out with my own friends.

The accommodation before the wedding you don't know details about. Is it perhaps there is only a certain allocation of places? Maybe they thought you wouldn't enjoy it if your partner (as part of bridal party) was pretty occupied most of the time?

If you don't go, you will be jeopardising your relationship. At the end of the day, its not about the bride and groom in your situation, but showing support for your partner.

I would go, and put aside any bad feelings and try to have a nice time for the sake of my partner. If you are in a long term relationship, things like this are not worth arguing over if it is going to cause family tension in the future.

ClassicCremeAnglaise · 07/10/2023 19:13

How many posters would refuse to go to a wedding because they were not invited to the hen or stag do, while their husband/wife was invited by a sibling's girlfriend or boyfriend?

Not many, it's such a ridiculous tantrum.

being a same-sex couple doesn't make you special, why did you think it would?

SpaghettiBeaver · 07/10/2023 19:37

Yes you are being unreasonable and creating unnecessary rifts and stress for your partner and her family. It’s ok to be a bit hurt in private, but it’s their wedding and really not about you, so suck it up and be the bigger person. If you make such a big statement as to refuse the invitation, expect your relationship with her whole family to never recover.

As an aside, one of my best friends is in a relationship with a woman, a perfectly lovely woman who I like a lot, and who I am happy to spend time with at family bbqs and days out and big parties. But girls night? Nah it totally changes the dynamic when she comes along.

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