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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to not attend BIL wedding?

93 replies

Labeluser · 07/10/2023 14:39

Sorry this is going to be long winded, but I think it's important for all the details to be shared so you have the full picture.

I have been with my girlfriend (same sex couple) for 4 years, my girlfriends brother is getting married in August next year. My girlfriend is a bridesmaid in the wedding party so will be quite heavily involved in it all..

However I do not want to go and this caused a massive amount of tension/strain for the past couple of days since I bought up that I wouldn't be attending

The bride has been with the brother 6 years and whenever I have been around her and my GF's brother, I have been very amicable and I would say we are friendly with one another, i.e christmas gifts, coming over to our house for tea, spending time on days out occassionally, she's somone I see 2 x times a month, sometimes more - so we are not estranged.

There was a hen do for the bride, a few weeks back, my GF was invited along with my GF's other brothers girlfriend (of 1YR) and my MIL and mutual friends - I was excluded from this. The reasons being that because we are a same sex couple she didn't think it would be 'fair' for the other people there to have a couple in attendance when all the other women had left their boyfriends/husbands at home. My GF did challenge this only after I had made a comment about this and said that if I was a male, I'd of been invited to the stag do, so I wouldn't of been excluded entirely from the fun, where as everyone else got to go.

I'm obviously hurt and upset about being excluded and had to watch through social media all the fun everyone else was having..I have known SIL for 4 years, so I don't think its the amount of time me and GF have been together that's the issue. We are in a serious relationship and have bought a house together, I'm not a new date on the scene.

It all came to a head a few days ago, when I told her I didn't feel comfortable attending the wedding, I feel like a pity invite, I haven't been added to the group chat made about the wedding, nor have I recieved a physical invite just verbal confirmation from my girlfriend I'm invited. I just feel I'm not exactly wanted there, the hen/do has clearly shown her feelings towards me.

My GF is staying the night before the wedding, along with people that aren't in the bridal party (again I've been excluded from this) - so I've said I won't be going, and I'll be telling the bride/groom my reasons.

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it, and has been giving me the silent tratment for the last couple of days, and I feel anxious with the situation now and like I should just say yes, to appease her - despite me not wanting to go. Before the silent treatment began, she had been asking me quite a few times to please just go, I kept saying no and she just kept asking. I feel like I'm being manipulated.. I know she's upset because I won't be there however I feel like my reasons are valid and should be respected. I want her to go, and enjoy her time with her family at the wedding and celebrate, I just don't want to have to go with her...

So AIBU?

OP posts:

Meeting · 07/10/2023 15:04

So basically you're having a tantrum because it's not all about you.

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 15:04

Andylion · 07/10/2023 14:59

There was a thread on here about a group of friends where someone, in a same sex couple, kept including her partner when her friend group got together. The Op and others saw it as including partners, ot just women getting together, and felt it changed the dynamic.

Maybe the same thing happened here, you are seen as the partner of the groom’s sister.

Why would you expect to be part of the wedding chat?

Did your partner receive a proper wedding invitation?

I agree with the first bit - when we get together we all want to bitch about our partners which is impossible if any of them were there.
Also a hen do is about celebrating being single, wild and free... bit hard to do that in front of your other half whatever their sex!
I've dated both men and women btw.
However, this situation where the men had the stag do and women the hen it's unfair to leave poor OP out with no party at all.

I understand your feelings OP and you shouldn't be made to go. But telling the bride/groom your 'reasons'?

Your GF should just go without you and make excuses. I don't know why this is a big deal it's so easy to be 'ill' on the day. She shouldn't make you go but neither should you be making a massive fuss instead of just quietly bowing out.

MorrisWallpaper · 07/10/2023 15:05

AReallyOldBobTheBuilderFlannel · 07/10/2023 14:44

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it

You are really. You didn’t get an invite to a hen do, so now it seems you are stamping your feet and saying ‘well I’m not going to the wedding then’.

I agree. It’s a weirdly tit for tat mentality for someone you profess to like.

2chocolateoranges · 07/10/2023 15:05

It's a bit shit you weren't invited to the hen do however I've been to a hen do where the brides sister was gay and she took her girlfriend and it was awkward at times cause they isolated themselves and did coupley things which was unfair for everyone else. So I can see the brides point there.

You are being a bit dramatic isolating yourself from the wedding. You need to find a way of dealing with it all or there will be no relationship left because tour girlfriend will resent how you are behaving.

Aprilx · 07/10/2023 15:06

I think on balance she should have invited you to the hen do, although I can sort of see her rationale, in that she didn’t want couples at her hen night.

But your refusal to attend the wedding, and indeed to tell her so, is really over the top. You are going to cause a permanent family rift over this.

pigsDOfly · 07/10/2023 15:06

The reason for not inviting you to the hen do is a bit strange, given that the BIL's girlfriend was invited and you've know the bride much longer and always got on.

The reason given, that the boyfriends and husbands of the other women at the hen do would not be attending is ridiculous. You're not a man and they didn't invite you to the stag do, which would have been even more ridiculous, so you end up missing out entirely, which must have been hurtful. The fact that this was mentioned indicates that the family is aware that they are being a bit unfair to you.

I can understand why you don't want to go to the wedding but it's nearly a year away, which is odd in in itself, having the hen do so far ahead of the wedding. Perhaps by next August your girlfriend will have stopped giving you the silent treatment and you'll have had a chance to explain to her how hurt you were by her families dismissal of you.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/10/2023 15:07

Not everyone invited to a wedding is invited on the stag and hen do. She didn’t particularly want to invite you to the hen, that’s fine. You’re invited to the wedding. If you don’t go there will be repercussions, it’s up to you.

Agnorant · 07/10/2023 15:11

You are being ridiculous and extremely self centred. Why would you be invited as a couple to the hen do? That’s not fair, just because you are both women. You need to grow up and not make mountains out of mole hill. And you’re the plus one, and not expected to be sent sn invitation. You are behaving appallingly tbh.

The silent treatment is also ridiculously childish.

AWIAANGAF · 07/10/2023 15:12

fruitbrewhaha · 07/10/2023 15:07

Edited

All of the repercussions seem to be on the OP though and none on the family.
Same sex couple = OP is excluded from pre-wedding celebration.
Say she isn’t going to the wedding = silent treatment from GF
Don't attend the wedding = long term family repercussions blamed on OP.
It seems unfair to me. But it seems I’m in the minority.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 07/10/2023 15:14

I think it was a bit shit that you didn’t get invited. However, to not go to the wedding takes it into the major drama league. If you see your relationship as long term (which I’m guessing you do), these people will be part of your life. Deliberately causing a rift won’t make life easy.

MorrisWallpaper · 07/10/2023 15:17

pigsDOfly · 07/10/2023 15:06

The reason for not inviting you to the hen do is a bit strange, given that the BIL's girlfriend was invited and you've know the bride much longer and always got on.

I mean, I think the logic is weird (not wanting both ‘halves’ of a couple at a hen) is quite weird and programmatic, but if that’s the case, that’s the decision. It’s not mysterious. It’s apparently not homophobic, as there’s a lesbian bridesmaid both attending the hen and in the wedding party. The bride to be is closer to her fiancé’s sister to the point where she has her as a bridesmaid, so she chose her to be at the hen if the logic is ‘no couples’. Both parties in the lesbian couple are invited to the wedding.

Gymmum82 · 07/10/2023 15:17

I think YABU. The hen do vibe would probably be killed having a couple there. Isn’t that the whole point of hen dos? No partners, not to cheat obviously. But to have fun without other halves being around. No PDA and lovey dovey shite on a night out.
I do understand why you feel hurt but I think you are throwing your toys out the pram because you’re upset about the hen do. The invite is seperate and also a bit silly. Is it normal to hand out wedding invites to family? I never did.

OllieCollieWoo · 07/10/2023 15:17

I'd not make this into a drama.

If you don't go, it will never be forgotten in the family and you'll look like you were rude and sulky. Why punishment your partner for this?

I get your point you seeing yourself worthy of a hen do invite as you get on with SIL but SIL may view it differently, had concerns about numbers etc. It was not your call. I guess your call is to refuse to go the wedding.. but what will that achieve for you?

it's not going to be worth the upset (unless there's a big drip-feed added story)

MorningMoaner · 07/10/2023 15:21

I can understand why you are upset, and I would agree that you should have been invited to the hen do. But who benefits/loses if you don't go? In reality, it will be your relationship with your girlfriend that will suffer. If it is a genuine mistake - and it might be - then the bride and groom may be hurt if you don't show up, and if you're in a long term relationship it's better to be on at least civil terms with your partner's family if that's possible. If they genuinely don't want you there then you're giving them what they want and an opportunity to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend. If you're an established couple other family members are likely to ask where you are and it wouldn't be too difficult to tell the story in a way that makes you look very unreasonable. And if the bride and groom express upset about it then that makes you the villain of the piece almost automatically as it's their "big day".
I would swallow your pride, put a smile on and go and be lovely and charming to everyone. I know that it probably feels like giving in as I have been in similar situations - I have good reasons to prefer not to see some of my husband's family. But you actually hold the high ground if you are the bigger person in situations like this. It's one day. Grin and bear it as it will demonstrate your commitment to your girlfriend. You might even enjoy the day more than you think.

Womencanlift · 07/10/2023 15:24

Its typical to only send wedding invites 4-6 months before the day so if you have not got one in May then potentially you would be unreasonable but it’s only October and the wedding is 10 months away.

Also never heard of a hen night that far ahead. Was there a reason for it?

RoseMarigoldViolet · 07/10/2023 15:26

Just go.
Go for the sake of your girlfriend. If you plan to be with her long term then it is better not to fall out with her family. Look at the bigger picture and suck it up. Life is too short. Just go.

I can see why you were upset about the hen do. But just go to the wedding. It’s not worth the drama.

C152 · 07/10/2023 15:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset about this, OP. It doesn't seem right to me that you've been excluded from the hen do and the invitation to stay the night before the wedding. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to the wedding, but I would probably go just to make my partner happy.

However, I would try and knock the whole silent treatment thing on the head. That's not the right way to resolve an issue and if that keeps happening, you're going to have an even rockier road ahead.

InSpainTheRain · 07/10/2023 15:35

You seem to be creating the drama. Just go and enjoy it as much as you can - it's your partners family and I think you should do it for her. I would just go for my DH and ensure they enjoyed their family's day.

hotcandle · 07/10/2023 15:37

You're a grown adult and can either reject or accept the invitation for any reason you see fit.

I think as long as you're comfortable with the possible consequences, you can do what you want, but don't be surprised if your girlfriends family wants nothing to do with you.

Delmedio · 07/10/2023 15:41

God the hen night logic is pig shit thick. It's for women to enjoy themselves. It's fucking obviously homophobia that you weren't invited. And I don't use the term lightly.

As if two women in a lesbianism couple can't be trusted not to keep their hands off each other for 5 minutes.

Cause that's what they're implying. Cheeky cunts.

I wouldn't go to their fucking wedding. Sod 'em.

RedHelenB · 07/10/2023 15:42

AReallyOldBobTheBuilderFlannel · 07/10/2023 14:44

My girlfriend doesn't see my point and thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of it

You are really. You didn’t get an invite to a hen do, so now it seems you are stamping your feet and saying ‘well I’m not going to the wedding then’.

This.

MorrisWallpaper · 07/10/2023 15:44

Delmedio · 07/10/2023 15:41

God the hen night logic is pig shit thick. It's for women to enjoy themselves. It's fucking obviously homophobia that you weren't invited. And I don't use the term lightly.

As if two women in a lesbianism couple can't be trusted not to keep their hands off each other for 5 minutes.

Cause that's what they're implying. Cheeky cunts.

I wouldn't go to their fucking wedding. Sod 'em.

Who’s suggested that is the rationale behind the ‘no couples’ rule, though?

Someone up the thread appeared to think ‘no couples’ was perfectly obvious because she took for granted that single-sex nights out were for the purpose of ‘moaning about our partners/spouses’ — that’s even weirder to me than ‘couples can’t be trusted not to undress one another in the pub’…?

I’ve never been on an all-women night out that involved collective moaning about male or female partners.

Delmedio · 07/10/2023 15:47

Also you're not going to go to the stag do are you? It's bleedin' obvious this is/was a snub.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 07/10/2023 15:48

The other guests were invited to the hen do without their partners because that’s how it’s traditionally organised and the bride clearly wanted to follow that tradition. That’s her prerogative.

As you normally all get on well then it’s patently obvious to everyone that it’s your partnership status that was the problem, and not because you’re a lesbian that you weren’t invited.

I think you’re being childish to make this all about you and your feelings rather than respecting the bride’s wish to stick with tradition.

If you love your partner, you’ll stop and think about how your actions impact others and what’s more important to you in the longer term. If you feel that making a stand is more important, then go ahead and boycot the wedding.

My view is that long term relationships require a lot of give and take and if a partner is only interesting in winning an argument, the relationship is doomed.

midtownmum · 07/10/2023 15:49

I think this is really tricky. On the one hand, it was shitty to exclude you from the hen do and I 100% get why you're feeling upset and unwanted - not having you stay the night beforehand as well seems to kind of imply you're not seen as her 'proper' partner, either because you're not married or because you're a same-sex couple, hard to say which based on no knowledge. So I see why you wouldn't want to go and I sympathise. I wouldn't want to either. HOWEVER. If you refuse to go to the wedding you are making a HUGE statement to all of the extended family and friends. If you think you are likely to be with your girlfriend for life, you will literally for the rest of your life be known as the partner who threw her toys out of the pram about not being invited to the hen do and refused to go to the wedding, not just by the couple but by the whole extended family. Everyone will talk about it, it will never be completely forgotten and your partner will likely take a lot of stick about it.

Also, although my first instinct re the hen do was 'that's a bit shitty', trying to be sympathetic to the bride, I kind of get the logic about the not having partners there thing. Having a couple might change the dynamic, I guess. And tbh unless you're close to the brother I'm not sure that you can assume that if you were a man you'd have been invited to the stag - my brother wasn't invited to my DH's stag, and my brother didn't invite DH to his. They get on well but we don't live close, so maybe that's a factor, but it literally never occurred to any of us.

I think you should suck it up and go, and just put it down to them being thoughtless but try to forgive them as people do go a bit nuts in the run up to a wedding. And also try to understand that your partner is pushing you on this because she doesn't want it to cause a rift that may never come right - which is fair enough, really. Nobody wants their family to fall out and to be stuck in the middle.

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