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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DW insistent that everyone has 'childhood trauma'

117 replies

AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 11:14

Been married to DW (we're both women) for 5 years and I feel like this issue is driving us apart.

DW has been NC with her parents since she was in her early 20s.

My mum is one of my best friends. Once every 1-2 weeks, usually during my lunch break, my mum and I would meet at this lovely cafe 10 minutes walk from my house catch up and try out their new coffees/pastries. Once a month we will go hiking together on Saturday or Sunday.

DW hates leaving the house (it used to be less extreme but now she is basically homebound and would rather spend all day watching YouTube) which I don't mind that much if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't like it when I go for these lunches or hikes with my mum. She's invited but she doesn't want to go as there will be noise/crowds. She hates the outdoors. She says she has nothing to say to my mum.

We got into an argument a few times, and she's insisted that she doesn't understand how a grown adult can be so close to their parents and that it's obsessive. She also insists that everyone has childhood trauma and it's stupid and naive if someone doesn't realise they have it because it's impossible for anyone to make it out of childhood without having some sort of trauma.

Asked her to give me some examples and she brings up heated arguments/debates we had during periods of stress. I cry when I'm stressed. 10 minutes after the issue is over, it's settled and I'm happy again. DW thinks this is her 'gotcha' point about how I have unresolved childhood trauma. It's irritating and quite insulting, actually.

AIBU to think that not everyone has childhood trauma? I just enjoy spending time with my mum ffs and every week I have to sit through this lecture with DW instead.

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 07/10/2023 11:25

No of course not everyone has childhood trauma, lots of people will have had lovely childhoods so your wife is being really daft to insist otherwise.

JasperTheDoll · 07/10/2023 11:26

Does not getting an A La Carte Kitchen for Christmas when you were young count as childhood trauma? If so YABU

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 07/10/2023 11:28

Is she seeking any help for her agoraphobia?

RandomButtons · 07/10/2023 11:28

No not everyone has actual childhood trauma. It sounds like she’s projecting.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 11:29

Why have you burdened yourself with this miserable woman? She's jealous, controlling and spiteful. How nasty of her to begrudge the lovely relationship you have with your mum.

Get rid of this anchor around your neck and live a happy life.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2023 11:30

I had a rocky relationship with my mam in my teens but we're thick as thieves now, and I don't consider the bumps in the road to be "trauma" at all, just growing pains.

My husband had an absolutely idyllic childhood and completely adores his parents, absolutely zero trauma there.

I'd like to think my own 15yo is also trauma free.

Of course it's ridiculous to suggest everyone has childhood trauma. It's very sad that she's obviously been through something that's jaded her view of the world so harshly, and is impacting her view of your lovely relationship with your mum. Is she getting help for her own trauma at all?

PinkiOcelot · 07/10/2023 11:31

No your wife is totally wrong there. Not everyone has had childhood trauma and I find it incredulous that she actually thinks this is true.

Also I think you have a lovely relationship with your mum x

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 11:32

Your DW has issues. Seeing your mum once a week is hardly obsessive.

Why are you taking advice from a person who is too scared to leave the house?

BoohooWoohoo · 07/10/2023 11:33

Of course not. It's an insult to people who actually experienced childhood trauma to try and find something vaguely resembling trauma.

Is your wife neurodivergent?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 11:34

No your wife is totally wrong there. Not everyone has had childhood trauma and I find it incredulous that she actually thinks this is true.

The op's wife knows full well this isn't true, she just saying this to control and gaslight the op. It's a tactic of a garden variety abuser. She's trying to alienate the op from everyone else in her life.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/10/2023 11:35

In an ideal world, we would all be friends with our mothers. I have adult children and we do stuff together and I know it's not unusual as the outside world is full of people doing the same. I don't mean to be unkind to your wife but if she went out more then she'd see that you and your mum are the ideal and very normal/common.

Pukey1 · 07/10/2023 11:35

No you’re not being unreasonable. I’m also no contact with my mother who was an abusive manipulative woman, I wonder if really your wife maybe a little jealous of what sounds like a lovely relationship with your mum. I also struggle to understand it when I see people so close to their parents, but it’s not weird as such - I’m envious of those people and wonder what it must be like.

and no, I don’t think everyone has childhood trauma to deal with. Has she had therapy? This must be really hard for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2023 11:35

Of course not everyone has childhood trauma. Do you intend to have children together? It would worry me of so that she thinks trauma is just a normal part of life not something you avoid putting your kid through.

I think unless she's willing to get help, this would be approaching the end of the relationship for me.

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 11:35

Personally, I adore my mum and she is one of my best friends.

SausageinaBun · 07/10/2023 11:35

Trauma is a bit of a fad at the moment. Of course some people have experience childhood trauma. But if you look around, it's being used to explain all sort of stuff. Schools are full of "trauma informed behaviour" approaches and quite a lot of it is complete bollocks.

Has your DP picked this up from social media?

HeatherMoores · 07/10/2023 11:36

I don’t know how you could be involved with someone like that. She’s controlling and trying to separate you from your family.

AWIAANGAF · 07/10/2023 11:36

I am NC with my family due to an abusive childhood and I think most people do NOT have childhood trauma and a lot of people are close to their families. Your DW is massively unreasonable. I think your wife is suffering from jealousy and is trying to damage the bond between you and your mum. Don’t let her do that. Carry on as you are seeing your mum when you want.

IslaWinds · 07/10/2023 11:36

YANBU, not everyone has childhood trauma. However your DW might have childhood trauma from her parents and it is not uncommon for abusive parents to gaslight their children telling them they are actually very good parents that she has it good compared to most other children and should be grateful to them.

This then makes it very common for adult survivors of childhood trauma to think that childhood trauma is either universal or far more common than it is. Only once they get therapy do they realise how awful their childhood was and how it was so far off the norm.

Original poster
AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 11:36

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 07/10/2023 11:28

Is she seeking any help for her agoraphobia?

She's always been a homebody which I saw nothing wrong with. The past year especially she just doesn't want to leave the house anymore and she says it's because the world is shit so why would anyone want to leave the house anyway when you can do everything on the internet. She firmly believes that the state of the world is the problem, and hers is the only logical response to it.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 11:37

Yeah I couldn't be with someone who refused to leave the house and didn't get help for it. But then I think there is still much beauty to be had in the world, and I want to be with someone who enjoys that beauty,

AgentJohnson · 07/10/2023 11:38

It’s not a matter of who’s right, you sound incompatible.

Pinkglobelamp · 07/10/2023 11:39

Speaking generally and as a therapist, there is a view that everyone has childhood trauma in the sense that during infancy and onwards many everyday, natural (and healthy) events involving separation, for example, or feeling needs and wishes are being denied, are experienced as traumatic...and in a sense these affect us in adulthood as ways of responding to distress, patterns in relationships and behaviours e.g. in arguments.

But...this is in no way suggesting that everyone has experienced what in everyday language is thought of as trauma: more extreme distressing experiences such as neglect, abuse, injury and loss. Of course not everyone has experienced these. Many people have and it's important it's acknowledged, but it's simply not true that everyone has

Personally, as someone who did experience some of those things in childhood, I find it hurtful when someone suggests "everyone" has, as I feel it undermines the severity of my experiences.

Similarly, it's dismissive of your experiences of close connection and a happy relationship with your mother to suggest your perspective is somehow mistaken.

I imagine your wife is jealous and projecting, perhaps naturally, but it's her responsibility to find help for this, rather than try to change your perception of yourself and your relationships.

cremona · 07/10/2023 11:40

I doubt she believes what she’s saying. She’s envious and pained by your happy childhood and close relationship with your mum, it doesn’t necessarily mean she wishes you didn’t have those things, but it is a painful reminder of what she’s missed.

She sounds depressed and as if she needs to make some changes, possibly including therapy. She deserves to be happy, but so do you.

Pinkglobelamp · 07/10/2023 11:40

IslaWinds · 07/10/2023 11:36

YANBU, not everyone has childhood trauma. However your DW might have childhood trauma from her parents and it is not uncommon for abusive parents to gaslight their children telling them they are actually very good parents that she has it good compared to most other children and should be grateful to them.

This then makes it very common for adult survivors of childhood trauma to think that childhood trauma is either universal or far more common than it is. Only once they get therapy do they realise how awful their childhood was and how it was so far off the norm.

Edited

This is a very good point also.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/10/2023 11:42

Of course they don't.

And I say this as someone with childhood trauma that affects my life daily.

Which was absolutely fuck all to do with my parents!