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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DW insistent that everyone has 'childhood trauma'

117 replies

AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 11:14

Been married to DW (we're both women) for 5 years and I feel like this issue is driving us apart.

DW has been NC with her parents since she was in her early 20s.

My mum is one of my best friends. Once every 1-2 weeks, usually during my lunch break, my mum and I would meet at this lovely cafe 10 minutes walk from my house catch up and try out their new coffees/pastries. Once a month we will go hiking together on Saturday or Sunday.

DW hates leaving the house (it used to be less extreme but now she is basically homebound and would rather spend all day watching YouTube) which I don't mind that much if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't like it when I go for these lunches or hikes with my mum. She's invited but she doesn't want to go as there will be noise/crowds. She hates the outdoors. She says she has nothing to say to my mum.

We got into an argument a few times, and she's insisted that she doesn't understand how a grown adult can be so close to their parents and that it's obsessive. She also insists that everyone has childhood trauma and it's stupid and naive if someone doesn't realise they have it because it's impossible for anyone to make it out of childhood without having some sort of trauma.

Asked her to give me some examples and she brings up heated arguments/debates we had during periods of stress. I cry when I'm stressed. 10 minutes after the issue is over, it's settled and I'm happy again. DW thinks this is her 'gotcha' point about how I have unresolved childhood trauma. It's irritating and quite insulting, actually.

AIBU to think that not everyone has childhood trauma? I just enjoy spending time with my mum ffs and every week I have to sit through this lecture with DW instead.

OP posts:
Hooplahooping · 07/10/2023 15:24

cremona · 07/10/2023 14:59

Oh come on, we’re all here on MN using the internet to soothe/entertain/distract ourselves. I’m not saying her behaviour is healthy in other ways, and the amount of time she’s spending on the internet is clearly a problem, but I think your criticism here is a bit excessive. Fwiw I definitely spend too much time on the internet, but I also get out in nature every day - they’re not automatically mutually exclusive, and (unfortunately) getting out in nature isn’t some sort of guaranteed cure for phone addiction, although it’s definitely better than not doing it.

Show quote history

But like some people can have a delicious glass of wine after a long day as part of a myriad of different coping mechanisms or go for a long run. And other people become full blown alcoholic who don’t do anything else, or obsessively exercises themselves into stress fractures. It doesn’t mean the internet is bad - but some people have external issues / self regulation problems that mean it’s much worse and more all consuming for them than others.

Unwisebutnotillegal · 07/10/2023 15:50

My partner was born into a brutal regime during a massive war. He was seriously injured as a child and spent many months in hospital. He lived in poverty where his only toy was a ball. If you listen to him talking about his childhood you would never guess any of this. He tells you about his mums cooking, his siblings games and being educated which he loved.

coolkatt · 07/10/2023 16:12

so what if u actually had a childhood of trauma? does thins give her the right to demand ur time grudge u spending time with others and god forbid have an amazing relationship with the woman who birthed you? sorry op your partner is jealous bitter and is well on the way to emotionally abusing you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/10/2023 16:14

Have you told DM what is going on? What does she think about this attempt to undermine your perfectly normal, albeit enviable, relationship ?

NewAgain123 · 07/10/2023 16:18

Please don't stop seeing your Mum 😔

Original poster
AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 16:24

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/10/2023 16:14

Have you told DM what is going on? What does she think about this attempt to undermine your perfectly normal, albeit enviable, relationship ?

DM knows. She's said that I'm welcome to stay at hers whenever I want if I need some space and she'll always be there to help whatever I choose. She does think though that it's unsustainable if DW refuses to get any help or even acknowledge that she has a problem, which I do agree with.

Have actually been spending more time with my mum these couple of weeks to avoid DW. Says a lot about how the marriage is going but it's not like it's much of a marriage these days anyway.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 16:33

Get a divorce, op. You're only delaying the inevitable if your wife refuses to deal with her issues. Go and stay with your mum for at least a week before going back home. You need time to see what peace and normalcy looks like.

nochangeever · 07/10/2023 17:07

I think this could be the early stages of her trying to isolate you from friends and family.

I’m at home a lot at the moment. It’s where I feel safest but I know that I have signs of depression (due to marriage ending).

Rationally I know that no man is an island and I need to be wary of hiding away forever.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/10/2023 17:13

There are many things I wish my parents had done differently, the longer I am a parent the more accepting I am of the fact that they did their best. No trauma. I think your partner needs some help that you can't give her.

Zebedee55 · 07/10/2023 17:22

To be honest, I'd tell your partner to sort out her own problems, and to stop gaslighting you into thinking there are problems which never existed.

Most childhoods involve really happy, rocky years, and then all ok.

No trauma, no drama. 🙄🙄

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 21:15

RandomButtons · 07/10/2023 11:28

No not everyone has actual childhood trauma. It sounds like she’s projecting.

I agree .

Of course everyone has sore spots and difficult memories that perhaps have led to some of their insecurities today, but not everyone needs to dig these up and examine them especially if they're not depressed

RandyAndTheRainbows · 07/10/2023 23:28

Lastchancechica · 07/10/2023 13:52

I believe childhood does make an impact no parenting is absolutely perfect but trauma is a different thing, and no many/most people don’t have childhood trauma. She sounds mentally very unwell and depressed. Encourage her to start with an GP appointment. If you love you help her get some MH support.

Actually many people do have childhood trauma but I agree not everyone. It does sound as though the OP's wife is depressed and seeing everything through that lens.

Ladyj84 · 07/10/2023 23:32

Nope neither me or hubby have childhood trauma. Adore our sets of parents and we are close

AlexandriasWindmill · 07/10/2023 23:34

To answer your question - yanbu.
Would your DW speak to a counsellor or psychologist who specialises in agoraphobia? She could speak to them online. There has been a rise in people staying home and falling down internet/conspiracy rabbit holes. But there is support available.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 07/10/2023 23:36

SausageinaBun · 07/10/2023 11:35

Trauma is a bit of a fad at the moment. Of course some people have experience childhood trauma. But if you look around, it's being used to explain all sort of stuff. Schools are full of "trauma informed behaviour" approaches and quite a lot of it is complete bollocks.

Has your DP picked this up from social media?

I don't think using trauma informed approaches at school cause any harm. I use trauma healing and am in Therapy for it , I reckon more people would be helped by it than they realise . But it is concerning that the OP's wife is projecting her own actual trauma on to the OP, and sneering at her relationship with her mother.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 07/10/2023 23:43

BoohooWoohoo · 07/10/2023 11:33

Of course not. It's an insult to people who actually experienced childhood trauma to try and find something vaguely resembling trauma.

Is your wife neurodivergent?

I had a middle class childhood two parents living together etc I do remember a stranger touching me up inappropriately once and some name calling at school, felt invalidated a lot by my parents but I'm in therapy for "complex PTSD." I still find it helps me and I don't apologise for claiming to be a trauma survivor because that's my truth.

I'm fine with people claiming their own less than perfect but good childhoods as trauma if they are experienced some symptoms of CPTSD and are getting help them it doesn't matter if their experiences were pretty minor BUT it would piss me off I were in the OP's shoes and I had a partner who kept trying to redefine my childhood and invalidate my truth. The problem is that the OP's wife is acting like she has the right to define the OP's truth. That's the issue here .

Mamai90 · 07/10/2023 23:50

My childhood was wonderful, definitely no trauma and I have a great relationship with my parents and see them several times a week.

It sounds like she's trying to alienate you from your mum, she wants you to have had trauma in your childhood.

She sounds like a miserable, gaslighting arsehole. I've no idea why you'd want to stay.

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