DW insistent that everyone has 'childhood trauma'

[AugustSlipsAway]

Been married to DW (we're both women) for 5 years and I feel like this issue is driving us apart.

DW has been NC with her parents since she was in her early 20s.

My mum is one of my best friends. Once every 1-2 weeks, usually during my lunch break, my mum and I would meet at this lovely cafe 10 minutes walk from my house catch up and try out their new coffees/pastries. Once a month we will go hiking together on Saturday or Sunday.

DW hates leaving the house (it used to be less extreme but now she is basically homebound and would rather spend all day watching YouTube) which I don't mind that much if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't like it when I go for these lunches or hikes with my mum. She's invited but she doesn't want to go as there will be noise/crowds. She hates the outdoors. She says she has nothing to say to my mum.

We got into an argument a few times, and she's insisted that she doesn't understand how a grown adult can be so close to their parents and that it's obsessive. She also insists that everyone has childhood trauma and it's stupid and naive if someone doesn't realise they have it because it's impossible for anyone to make it out of childhood without having some sort of trauma.

Asked her to give me some examples and she brings up heated arguments/debates we had during periods of stress. I cry when I'm stressed. 10 minutes after the issue is over, it's settled and I'm happy again. DW thinks this is her 'gotcha' point about how I have unresolved childhood trauma. It's irritating and quite insulting, actually.

AIBU to think that not everyone has childhood trauma? I just enjoy spending time with my mum ffs and every week I have to sit through this lecture with DW instead.

There’s lots of solid advice here about trauma + resilience.

I totally agree that almost all childhoods had some adverse experiences. I for example move internationally a couple of times and had some extremely horrible school experiences. I was well supported by wider family and would not remotely consider myself traumatised.

it sucks for your wife that her family of origin didn’t equip her with the experiences or care she needed to be resilient in adulthood. But ultimately what we got is what we got and there comes a point where we have to, with compassion and empathy for our hurt younger selves, dig in and move forward. Victimising herself, and everyone around her, is a recipe for misery. Especially if she’s doing it with the aid of TikTok pseudotheraputic advice.

Dont let her drag you in. Your life is not going to be improved or enriched by being sucked into a self pitying vortex. Set some healthy boundaries about quality time with your family + engagement with the world. Invite her to join you - but be very clear you won’t cut yourself off.

using the internet to sooth yourself instead of going outside and grounding your animal with clean air and company (human / canine / whatever) is tantamount to self harm. Don’t give it oxygen.

Somethings that happened in my childhood would make your hair curl and would never happen these days but i am not traumatised and adored my parents and they adored me. For my whole childhood i was surrounded by love and wish i still had my mum with me, one thing i do know is that nobody would have stopped me from meeting her. Your wife is jealous and twisted. She wants you to be running after her 24/7. Choose a better life.

Apart from the relatively recent agoraphobia and conspiracy theorising though, how did you end up married to a woman who insists everyone has childhood trauma and who is so opposed to you having a perfectly normal relationship with your mother? It just doesn't sound as if you are compatible.

Your wife is wrong - not everyone has had a bad childhood. My sons text or ring me at least once a week. I see them once a fortnight, sometimes more often. We (and my husband -their dad) go out for meals/coffee/walks. Your wife needs professional help. She'll make your life miserable.

It's quite ironic that she accuses you of being obsessive when her behaviour indicates some quite serious OCD issues of her own. You probably need to lay it on the line that if she doesn't start getting treatment and therapy there isn't a future for you.

This insistence is a recent thing. Me meeting my mum used to be seen by her as no different to me meeting a friend. It's only fairly recently that she thinks everyone has childhood trauma, that only naive people are truly happy, that the world is shit etc etc. We would never have got married if this was how she was.

Couldn’t have put it better myself! And having a less. Than perfect childhood doesn’t mean you’re experiencing trauma. You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your mum. And your mum sounds like way better company than your wife.

Of course not everyone has childhood trauma. Many people do but certainly not everyone. She's becoming increasingly unwell and trying to control you. She needs to get help and you have to seriously ask how much you are willing to take. Do not lose contact with your family.

Sounds like she's projecting and is deeply threatened or insecure about your bond with your Mum. You say she's NC with her own family but if she hasn't sought help with this she may have piled all her eggs into 1 basket in your relationship. She needs to take responsibility for her own difficulties, you're being supportive. Some people are home body's but if its a change it could be signalling worsening MH and time to impress that on her. You've got every right to a happy relationship with your Mum.

I believe childhood does make an impact no parenting is absolutely perfect but trauma is a different thing, and no many/most people don’t have childhood trauma. She sounds mentally very unwell and depressed. Encourage her to start with an GP appointment. If you love you help her get some MH support.

I have some childhood trauma but I know that isn't true of everyone.
She's locked in a psychological prison and seems like she won't rest until you accept the rightness of this as an active preference and join her, unquestioningly, in there.

Sod that. It's sad she feels this way, but boy her rigid thinking can't be challenged or accept other experiences or point of view are valid... little hope for change cos she doesn't even see her way is just that, her way.

Personally I'd call it a day as it's an entrenched position you aren't ever likely to change and the only place you'll get is if you become her.

Peace you'll get

Do you love her? Because you know she wants to drag you down to her level of misery? She wants to isolate you, is bitter and resentful. Given her internet dependency, And this being fairly recent I reckon she’s fallen down a very deep rabbit hole. There will be more to come.

It won’t be long before she tries to poison or sabotage your relationship with your DM.

She sounds quite unwell but that’s for her to deal with. She’s bringing nothing to your relationship and you are not there to save her.

Your wife is the one giving you trauma.

I strongly suspect she is neurodivergent and struggling with a scary world. I also suspect she's coming into contact with a lot of self-indulgent twaddle online about 'trauma' but she may well have a backlog of negative interactions with others that do add up to trauma. This is not your responsibility to fix - it's hers. If she's drowning she needs to start swimming, not take you down with her.

You probably need to spell out exactly how her behaviour is affecting you and tell her things need to change or your relationship will be ending. Life is too short.

She sounds like a fun one! What on earth do you see in her?

There were traumatic aspects to my childhood particularly due to neglect and emotional abuse /bordering on abuse by my mother.
If I could remove my mother from my life but keep the rest I would but that's not the case. As it is a see why mother as often as you described. Now I have a child my contact with her has increased. I see her as much as is good for my daughter and not so much as is bad for me. It is easier when there is a buffer whether that is my daughter, sibling or father or if we fall into the childhood relationship norms of my childhood where I am her mother and she is the child. It was inappropriate when I was ú but is now a way out relationship can function.
I would probably say it's a 50:50 ratio of people who say they can relate when I talk about my childhood but that is a skewed population as I don't rarely talk to it with people who I don't think will understand either from a personal or professional perspective. When you start conversing almost exclusively with people who understand your experiences it is very easy to then come to the conclusion that this is what the whole population experiences. Social media is great at bringing people together and you would think that it would give you a broad cross section of reality. What happens instead is you fall into an echo chamber amplifying your fears, concerns and experiences.

I think most people are shaped in a lot of ways by things that happen during their childhood and there's an over tendency to diagnose this as trauma rather than just a natural part of growing up raised by imperfect humans who have also been impacted by their own upbringing.

How old are you both OP?

I hope I have the kind of relationship you describe with my daughter when she grows up. Stand your ground. There's clear evidence that people with active social lives adds to longevity. Though since the world is so shit maybe she doesn't want to live long that long.

How dare she make you feel bad about meeting your mum. Listen to how ridiculous this sounds! You're not forcing her to attend. You can do whatever you like.

What's her point about you crying when stressed? Is she saying that's your mum's fault. Crying is a normal reaction and releases stress. What's she talking about? She sounds really mentally unwell.

Oh come on, we’re all here on MN using the internet to soothe/entertain/distract ourselves. I’m not saying her behaviour is healthy in other ways, and the amount of time she’s spending on the internet is clearly a problem, but I think your criticism here is a bit excessive. Fwiw I definitely spend too much time on the internet, but I also get out in nature every day - they’re not automatically mutually exclusive, and (unfortunately) getting out in nature isn’t some sort of guaranteed cure for phone addiction, although it’s definitely better than not doing it.

Attempts to isolate you from family members through manipulation can be categorised as domestic abuse. Stay firm with your boundaries and have a good think about the benefits of your relationship and whether you want to maintain it

My ex was extremely jealous of the fact that I'd grown up with two parents, they've now been married over 45 years, and though we're not perfect, my family generally help each other out.

My ex meanwhile grew up in a dysfunctional family with a revolving door of stepmums, as well as in extreme poverty.

Having never had any therapy, my ex brought all these issues into the relationship, which meant that I was never able to form a proper bond with my DSC as he obstructed my doing so.

Your wife sounds similar, and extremely jealous of the relationship you have with your DM. The longer your marriage goes on, the more it'll twist her up inside. She needs to accept the way it is, otherwise your relationship will eventually fall apart.

Child god trauma didn't excuse you being a dick and projecting your own issues into others. It also isn't a free pass to give up on life and just stay at home and judge others. Tbh your wife sounds very bitter and angry. And I get it , I really do. I have CPTSD from my childhood and I was a nightmare person until I had a breakdown and realised I needed intensive therapy. If I hasn't spent 15 years working through my crap I'd probably still be like your wife. But I chose to get help even though it's scary and means taking personal responsibility.

I experienced childhood trauma - death of a parent, and disability due to an accident. It made me very close indeed to my surviving parent (DM). Your DW is full of shit I’m afraid.