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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DW insistent that everyone has 'childhood trauma'

117 replies

AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 11:14

Been married to DW (we're both women) for 5 years and I feel like this issue is driving us apart.

DW has been NC with her parents since she was in her early 20s.

My mum is one of my best friends. Once every 1-2 weeks, usually during my lunch break, my mum and I would meet at this lovely cafe 10 minutes walk from my house catch up and try out their new coffees/pastries. Once a month we will go hiking together on Saturday or Sunday.

DW hates leaving the house (it used to be less extreme but now she is basically homebound and would rather spend all day watching YouTube) which I don't mind that much if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't like it when I go for these lunches or hikes with my mum. She's invited but she doesn't want to go as there will be noise/crowds. She hates the outdoors. She says she has nothing to say to my mum.

We got into an argument a few times, and she's insisted that she doesn't understand how a grown adult can be so close to their parents and that it's obsessive. She also insists that everyone has childhood trauma and it's stupid and naive if someone doesn't realise they have it because it's impossible for anyone to make it out of childhood without having some sort of trauma.

Asked her to give me some examples and she brings up heated arguments/debates we had during periods of stress. I cry when I'm stressed. 10 minutes after the issue is over, it's settled and I'm happy again. DW thinks this is her 'gotcha' point about how I have unresolved childhood trauma. It's irritating and quite insulting, actually.

AIBU to think that not everyone has childhood trauma? I just enjoy spending time with my mum ffs and every week I have to sit through this lecture with DW instead.

OP posts:

Mirabai · 07/10/2023 11:42

she's insisted that she doesn't understand how a grown adult can be so close to their parents and that it's obsessive

Well you could say you don’t understand how a grown adult can’t leave the house and is so obsessed with their partner that they can’t cope with them seeing a family member.

But you’re more understanding of her than vice versa right?

I don’t know why you’re still together tbh.

Munchyseeds2 · 07/10/2023 11:43

Sounds ro me like DW needs some serious help
You need to be very careful that you don't get drawn down the same path
Keep doing things with your family and friends
Does DW work?

theDudesmummy · 07/10/2023 11:44

It also depends what your definition of trauma is. No-one will make it to adulthood without having some adverse experiences, sure. And whether something is experienced or viewed as "traumatic" is very subjective. So if she has a very wide definition of trauma, she could, in her own way, be right. She does however very clearly need mental health help.

cloudglazer · 07/10/2023 11:45

Not everyone has childhood trauma. Often though for people who do, they idolise their parents before they realise, and I wonder whether your DW has confused that.
It sounds as though therapy might be helpful for her. I hope you find a way through this

Original poster

AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 11:47

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2023 11:35

Of course not everyone has childhood trauma. Do you intend to have children together? It would worry me of so that she thinks trauma is just a normal part of life not something you avoid putting your kid through.

I think unless she's willing to get help, this would be approaching the end of the relationship for me.

No intentions of having kids together. That's what I've been thinking these days too. She didn't use to be like this. These past few months she just seems to be getting more and more negative and hateful and her whole days are now just filled with her 'doom-scrolling' on YouTube/reddit/TikTok for hours on end.

Sadly I can see the end of the relationship as we behave more like roommates most days but it's a massive upheaval. I know this can't go on forever though.

OP posts:

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 11:49

She really needs help. She is not well. This is not just incompatibility. It's very easy to get sucked into You Tube and Tiktok, and then get very depressed. She needs to go out and touch the grass.

RedHelenB · 07/10/2023 11:50

I'd leave. She's being controlling and just because she's happy yo live her life within 4 walks doesn't mean yoy should be.

SpaceChocolatel · 07/10/2023 11:50

Yep she's wrong.

Do you think she actually believes this, has depression that is clouding her views at the moment, or knows it's not true but is trying to stop you being so close to your mum?

I hope you know that a good partner would support you to have the relationships you value.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/10/2023 11:51

If she acknowledges that not everyone has childhood trauma then she has to face up to just how shit her family was. That is a very hard thing to do. It’s far more preferable to think you were somewhere on the spectrum of normal family life than acknowledge that your childhood was abusive. The emotions that acknowledgement stirs up are huge so she might prefer to pretend her home life wasn’t that different from everyone else.

She needs help to deal with this. She may even have complex PTSD.

SherbetLemonn · 07/10/2023 11:52

No, not everyone has childhood trauma. I think sometimes ‘trauma’ can be used as a catch-all for any and all experiences that formed a persons character in any way though.
She sounds like a fucking nightmare, the miserable controlling drag. I hope you’re looking at how to extricate yourself from this relationship.

ChaToilLeam · 07/10/2023 11:52

She’s clearly not well. But she does not have the right to drag you down too.

I’d be insisting she gets help, or the relationship is doomed.

diamondpony80 · 07/10/2023 11:54

What redeeming features DOES she have? I really couldn't be married to someone who sat around moping on Youtube all day and didn't like me spending time with my parents. She sounds awful!

Vocaladvocaat · 07/10/2023 11:56

I would set boundaries. I’ve realised that a lot of people push and push to see how much they can get away with. Being disrespectful. You let that slide so then they get lazy and let you do the work. You let that slide so they decide they don’t like you seeing your mum. You let that slide so they provoke arguments and use your reaction to “prove” you are abusive and gaslight you. Etc

It’s a slow process and they don’t do all of it at once and there are good days. Until one day you wake up and realise how unhappy you are decide it has to change. If you like seeing your mum OP see your mum and don’t let any tantrums stop you.

declutteringmymind · 07/10/2023 11:56

Sounds like she's got herself in a corner in terms of her mental health and you're the emotional punchbag. Obviously the right thing to do is to help her seek some professional help while making it clear that things can't go on as they are.

inamarina · 07/10/2023 11:57

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 11:29

Why have you burdened yourself with this miserable woman? She's jealous, controlling and spiteful. How nasty of her to begrudge the lovely relationship you have with your mum.

Get rid of this anchor around your neck and live a happy life.

I agree. I think the issue here isn’t whether or not everyone has childhood trauma, but the fact that your wife is trying to control you and interfere in your relationship with your mum (which by the way sounds lovely!).

Peachy2005 · 07/10/2023 11:58

She needs to get help. If she is the personality type that won’t ever recognise or accept that she needs help, it will just get worse and you’d be better off cutting your losses.

AlltheFs · 07/10/2023 11:59

I think most people experience trauma at some point in their lives but not necessarily in childhood and that actually experiencing some degree of trauma is an important part of being human.

But no, most people have a good relationship with their parents, slightly flawed, but fundamentally healthy. Most families are not abusive.

Your DW is toxic and unless they acknowledge that they will
drag you down.

You know what you need to do @AugustSlipsAway. Don’t waste anymore precious time on this. Life is short, if it’s over get on with it.

IslaWinds · 07/10/2023 11:59

AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 11:47

Sadly I can see the end of the relationship as we behave more like roommates most days but it's a massive upheaval. I know this can't go on forever though.

Show quote history

That does sound like depression as well. It can be painful if you have had an abusive childhood to see your partner/friends interacting with their loving parents. Especially if you cannot fully face how bad your childhood was. You go into grieving for the child you were and what you should have had, but never got. So depression and denial sets in.

I think your DW needs some help for her mental health. She’s put a shell around herself. Facing an abusive childhood, talking about it, being validated that it was horrific and not normal almost retraumatises because it’s reopening old psychic wounds that you might have thought you had left behind you and got over. So that’s what is meant by therapy is hard work. You have to poke at that deep hurt and feel it while with a therapist to truly process it. She will know that it will hurt to talk about it, so she distracts herself by doom scrolling and avoiding situations that would remind her of how bad her parents were such as seeing a happy mother-daughter relationship.

Original poster

AugustSlipsAway · 07/10/2023 12:00

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 11:49

She really needs help. She is not well. This is not just incompatibility. It's very easy to get sucked into You Tube and Tiktok, and then get very depressed. She needs to go out and touch the grass.

I hate to blame social media but this definitely started when she began spending all day on social media. She was unemployed for 4 months before she started her current PT job, and 10-14 hours of scrolling was the norm.

Everyday there was a new grievance and I even started hearing full-on rants about American social and political issues that were completely unrelated to us!!

I tried to be understanding because I've been unexpectedly laid off too so I know how hard it is but there's a limit and these days I feel like I'm at that limit.

OP posts:

DarkWingDuck · 07/10/2023 12:01

This doesn’t sounds like it’s about whether or not everyone has childhood trauma at all. This sounds from your post like an emotionally abusive relationship. Sorry OP.

Childhood often is difficult, most people have adverse experiences, the schooling system hasn’t got enough funding to help kids flourish. Most people will have some negative experiences as children. Many people do go on to have great relationships, okay relationships and good enough relationships with their parents. Whether you do or do not have “childhood trauma” has nothing to do with this she is just using the trauma topic to berate you and cut you off from your family.

IslaWinds · 07/10/2023 12:01

Toxic or damaged, could be either. It’s not your job to fix her though, and you can’t that’s what professionals are for. If she won’t get help, it’s perfectly fair to end the marriage.

Beachwalker66 · 07/10/2023 12:03

She sounds very mentally unwell.

I had an abusive childhood. People probably wouldn’t believe some of the things my mother did to me. I’m NC.

I am slightly envious of friends who have “normal “ relationships with their mums. The relationship you describe with your mum doesn’t sound enmeshed or abnormal to me, it sounds absolutely lovely and healthy. It’s not right that your wife is trying to paint it as odd. Even more concerning that she thinks everyone has had an abusive childhood.

Only you know if this marriage is salvageable or not, but keep your mum close.

PerspiringElizabeth · 07/10/2023 12:03

DW seems extreme for sure.

I used to feel kind of guilty by being scarred by minor (in my adult view) things that happened to me as a child. But then my therapist friend told me that when you’re a kid, the worst thing that has happened to you is still the worst thing that has happened to you.

If you are traumatised by being laughed at in a whole-school assembly for example, that is still huge and formative to your little 8 year old brain. And thank GOD that’s the worst you’d been through! We can still carry these things through to adulthood.

Chocolatepeanutbuttercupsandicecream · 07/10/2023 12:04

I think it’s a very rare person who had a truly idyllic childhood, most (if not all) people will have experienced some kind of adverse event. However, for the majority who had mostly positive experiences, that won’t necessarily manifest as what we would describe as childhood trauma. FWIW I don’t think it sounds remotely like you spend an unreasonable amount of time with your mum, and it’s lovely you have such a good relationship.

ladyvimes · 07/10/2023 12:04

My grandad sat on my a La crate kitchen and broke it to pieces. That was definitely traumatic!

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