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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex, DS’s dad, is cheeky as hell!

88 replies

Crisppo · 07/10/2023 10:39

AIBU to think this is a hugely unreasonable ask?

DS is 8, and since his dad and I split up when he was 2, he hasn’t stayed overnight with him. I have posted about him before - but essentially he did not have suitable living arrangements to enable DS to stay. He has now moved somewhere more suitable, which has enabled overnights with DS. DS also has ASD and ADHD, which his dad did not understand, but he has since improved his knowledge and approach.

The issue comes with DS’s dad’s attitude to me and his unreasonable requests. Since we split up, I have moved approximately 50 minutes away, to an area that hugely benefits DS. In that time, DS’s dad has had him every other weekend (never overnight, just taking him on days out). That has meant it involves him driving quite a way on his Saturday and Sunday. This is the only driving or childcare he does for DS. He does not take him to school, pick him up, take him to appointments, clubs, nothing. That is all left to me and my partner. He has had periods of unemployment where he could have taken a more active role, he just hasn’t bothered. To make it worse, he doesn’t even pick up the phone to contact DS in between his weekends, he has no idea how DS is doing unless I reach out to him.

Last night, the day before he was due to pick up DS for his first stay over ever, he messaged me asking when he can expect me to start to share the driving on his weekends. I asked what did he mean, it’s his responsibility to get DS to and from his place on his contact weekends, not mine. He then said that when my baby (who is 5 weeks old) gets older, he expects me to share the driving and pick up DS every other Sunday from his place and that it would only be fair! When I again refused, he started to become rude in his text messaging, saying he knew I wouldn’t give him leniency and I’m hugely unreasonable.

AIBU to think this is totally ludicrous and of course I shouldn’t be (and won’t be) collecting DS from his house every other weekend?! In my mind it’s his responsibility on his weekends and he is a CF to even suggest it given he does nothing for DS the rest of the time!

OP posts:
Idrankyourbananamilk · 07/10/2023 10:43

I’m no expert on this, but what I’ve read here when these things end up in court, if one parent moved away they are expected to go 50/50 on travel to ensure child is not disadvantaged by the move with regards to contact.

Original poster
Crisppo · 07/10/2023 10:45

@Idrankyourbananamilk I moved away 5 years ago.

OP posts:
Missflowers1981 · 07/10/2023 10:46

I don’t think you are unreasonable. If his son truly mattered to him he would be doing whatever it takes to see more of him. The fact that he is only doing it every other weekend suggests he doesn’t want to inconvenience himself.

Original poster
Crisppo · 07/10/2023 10:46

In that time DS’s dad has also moved to various places, including 3 hours away for a year at one point.

OP posts:
OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 07/10/2023 10:47

He's a poor excuse for a dad.

FloydPepper · 07/10/2023 10:48

I think the best thing for your son is to spend time with his dad and you do have some responsibility for facilitating that. I don’t think splitting the driving is unreasonable

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/10/2023 10:49

Crisppo · 07/10/2023 10:46

In that time DS’s dad has also moved to various places, including 3 hours away for a year at one point.

Why would that matter when you weren't allowing your DS to have staying contact with him at that time?

LightDrizzle · 07/10/2023 10:51

He’s been a shit dad but he’s right in this and any court would back him up so you need to capitulate on this one and save your energy for things that actually impact your DC.

sophmum31 · 07/10/2023 10:51

I totally get you. My ex is the same. We have two children, one who never sees him so I have 100% responsibility for and the other one who goes every other weekend. He moved 40 minutes away. He does do an odd school run here and there, probably once a month but I do everything and I mean everything else. He still asks me to collect on the EOW and as we meet in a shop car park (because I had a non mol due to his abuse) when I have refused he's taken our son and waited in the shop car park for over an hour for me before he then ended up bringing him back. It sucks. I know people will say it's 50/50 and lifts should be shared but that's not fair when you do everything else for that child. All I can say is refuse, stand your ground, ignore the rudeness and if he chooses not to see the child then that's on him.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/10/2023 10:52

I’d be telling him to step up and be a proper parent. He doesn’t sound like he wants to see his DC that much and it’s more of an inconvenience.

Original poster
Crisppo · 07/10/2023 10:52

@NeverDropYourMooncup Because it meant that DS’s dad couldn’t even see him every other weekend, he then only saw him once a month as the driving and distance was too far.

I’ve never refused him the opportunity to have DS to stay. He has put himself in positions where he cannot have DS overnight e.g. living in HMOs with random men where DS doesn’t have a bed and would need to sleep on the sofa, or share a bed with his dad, which he doesn’t want to do…

OP posts:
Darkmode2 · 07/10/2023 10:54

FloydPepper · 07/10/2023 10:48

I think the best thing for your son is to spend time with his dad and you do have some responsibility for facilitating that. I don’t think splitting the driving is unreasonable

Of course it's unreasonable, op does 90% of the parenting and that includes driving her ds to various places, taking him back for forth to school etc I'm assuming

I don't care what legally matters, morally the exh should be driving when he does his tiny share of the parenting

MilesAndMilesOfLights · 07/10/2023 10:57

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MilesAndMilesOfLights · 07/10/2023 10:58

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NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/10/2023 11:07

Crisppo · 07/10/2023 10:52

@NeverDropYourMooncup Because it meant that DS’s dad couldn’t even see him every other weekend, he then only saw him once a month as the driving and distance was too far.

I’ve never refused him the opportunity to have DS to stay. He has put himself in positions where he cannot have DS overnight e.g. living in HMOs with random men where DS doesn’t have a bed and would need to sleep on the sofa, or share a bed with his dad, which he doesn’t want to do…

So, apart from you consistently refusing for years, you've never refused?

OK.

amiold · 07/10/2023 11:09

Does he pay maintenance? He could apply for a reduction (although it's not much) if he resents driving so much.

Almostautumn2023 · 07/10/2023 11:11

I’d be tempted to say he needs to have him half the time if he wants you to do half the driving. However it is mostly seen that the parent that moved away should be more responsible for getting the child back to the other parent.

Original poster
Crisppo · 07/10/2023 11:11

@NeverDropYourMooncup Oh dear, we are back to the same debate as on the thread I posted months ago.

No responsible parent would agree (or suggest) their young DC stay on a sofa in a house share with random men, who by the admission of DS’s dad, go out and get drunk, bring random women back, and who he doesn’t actually know all that well. DS doesn’t want to stay in a bed with his dad, he’s 8, nearly 9, and also has ASD and ADHD and likes his personal space. Is DS unreasonable for not wanting to stay in that environment either?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 07/10/2023 11:36

"Hi ex, I understand that you'd like to share the driving for DS's visits. We are of course both DS's parents with equal responsibility for him, so I'm happy to take on my share of this when you start doing your share of school runs and ferrying DS to activities. Here's DS's schedule... just let me know which days you would like to be responsible for".

Original poster
Crisppo · 07/10/2023 11:37

@amiold I’m not sure he’d be entitled to a reduction, he will only be having DS once every other week overnight… 2 overnights per month, that’s not the equivalent of once a week?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/10/2023 11:40

Crisppo · 07/10/2023 11:11

@NeverDropYourMooncup Oh dear, we are back to the same debate as on the thread I posted months ago.

No responsible parent would agree (or suggest) their young DC stay on a sofa in a house share with random men, who by the admission of DS’s dad, go out and get drunk, bring random women back, and who he doesn’t actually know all that well. DS doesn’t want to stay in a bed with his dad, he’s 8, nearly 9, and also has ASD and ADHD and likes his personal space. Is DS unreasonable for not wanting to stay in that environment either?

That'll be a yes, then.

You clearly aren't going to change your mind, so I don't see the point in posting another thread. It's just another way to continue obstructing your shared child from having a meaningful relationship with his father now you can't use the 'I'm going to make excuses about your living conditions because you're skint/the distance because you're skint/he hasn't stayed before/he doesn't want to see you because you've not because of my obstructiveness seen him'.

Ylvamoon · 07/10/2023 11:48

If the difference is that DS sees his dad or not, I would share the diving.

If he’s as unreliable as you say, just offer to pick DS up from his dads house on Sundays- time will tell if dad will get him on the Friday/ Saturday.

If Dad is as uninterested as you say it will be very short lived.

Goldbar · 07/10/2023 11:50

Does your DS particularly want to see his dad? I'd be guided by him. Otherwise, I wouldn't be facilitating this waster to continue to be a shit parent by sticking your tiny baby in the car for long drives or being away from them for hours at the weekend.

Pleaseme · 07/10/2023 11:54

Goldbar · 07/10/2023 11:36

"Hi ex, I understand that you'd like to share the driving for DS's visits. We are of course both DS's parents with equal responsibility for him, so I'm happy to take on my share of this when you start doing your share of school runs and ferrying DS to activities. Here's DS's schedule... just let me know which days you would like to be responsible for".

This. My ex gets twitchy now and again about what he does. I have a spreadsheet of schedule and what I do to facilitate activities/ play dates etc.

WandaWonder · 07/10/2023 11:55

If I was him I would go to court and and let them tell you what is fair or not, you can come up with 'yeah but' all you like

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