To think my ex, DS’s dad, is cheeky as hell!

[Crisppo]

AIBU to think this is a hugely unreasonable ask?

DS is 8, and since his dad and I split up when he was 2, he hasn’t stayed overnight with him. I have posted about him before - but essentially he did not have suitable living arrangements to enable DS to stay. He has now moved somewhere more suitable, which has enabled overnights with DS. DS also has ASD and ADHD, which his dad did not understand, but he has since improved his knowledge and approach.

The issue comes with DS’s dad’s attitude to me and his unreasonable requests. Since we split up, I have moved approximately 50 minutes away, to an area that hugely benefits DS. In that time, DS’s dad has had him every other weekend (never overnight, just taking him on days out). That has meant it involves him driving quite a way on his Saturday and Sunday. This is the only driving or childcare he does for DS. He does not take him to school, pick him up, take him to appointments, clubs, nothing. That is all left to me and my partner. He has had periods of unemployment where he could have taken a more active role, he just hasn’t bothered. To make it worse, he doesn’t even pick up the phone to contact DS in between his weekends, he has no idea how DS is doing unless I reach out to him.

Last night, the day before he was due to pick up DS for his first stay over ever, he messaged me asking when he can expect me to start to share the driving on his weekends. I asked what did he mean, it’s his responsibility to get DS to and from his place on his contact weekends, not mine. He then said that when my baby (who is 5 weeks old) gets older, he expects me to share the driving and pick up DS every other Sunday from his place and that it would only be fair! When I again refused, he started to become rude in his text messaging, saying he knew I wouldn’t give him leniency and I’m hugely unreasonable.

AIBU to think this is totally ludicrous and of course I shouldn’t be (and won’t be) collecting DS from his house every other weekend?! In my mind it’s his responsibility on his weekends and he is a CF to even suggest it given he does nothing for DS the rest of the time!

@NeverDropYourMooncup So to be clear, you’d allow your DC to stay on a sofa in a HMO with random men who even your ex doesn’t know, who by his own admission come home drunk and pick up women in bars who they then bring back to said HMO? Or, the alternative, your DC who is autistic, has sensory issues and prefers his own space, can share a bed with your ex-dp, even though he has expressly said he doesn’t want to?

I moved away from my ex, and family court ruled that I had to do 50% of the travel to facilitate contact. It was a total PITA, but those are the rules (and who does what of the rest of the parenting wasn’t taken into account). I agree with you on not letting your DS stay over in an unsuitable environment, but I don’t think this is one you’ll win.

This. But if I were him I would also be paying CM as computed by the court. How is that side of things, OP.

@poetryandwine He has an order from CM to pay, but he doesn’t consistently and finds excuses to deduct amounts. CMS is not particularly useful in enforcing the agreement.

@Crisppo
Unfortunately op as you are the one who moved it's up to you to do the driving, if your ex was the one who moved it would be up to him.

So you do all the raising of your child and he has him every other weekend and he still expects you to do half the driving. I don’t get why courts push this either. Seems terribly unfair.

My DH had to move 45mins away from his kids for work and to find affordable housing. Because of this, he did all the driving when he had them weekly. There were the odd occasions when his exW would meet him half way of he’d done a load of driving that week or wasn’t 100%

If your ex is only doing that every other week, then it’s no big deal for him. He needs to suck it up.

YANBU. We moved 2 hours away but my DH goes to collect his kids every other weekend without fail as well as dropping them back. Yes, it’s a long drive but he just sees it as his responsibility. it sounds as though your ex doesn’t do much anyway so he shouldn’t be able to get out of this really.

Courts don’t always demand the parent who moved pays or brings the child for contact.

A friend moved from Scotland to England with her dc and her ex had to do all the travelling to see the children. She was not ordered to bring them to Scotland. Just facilitate contact.

Brilliant response. This is 100% what you need to do. Will back down in no time x

OP,

Then you potentially have something to gain from going back to court, also.

Have you tried having CM paid at source?

I'd very simply say "if you want to start doing 50/50 shared driving for DC I'm more than happy to split all his travel, including school runs, clubs and hobbies. We can draw up a schedule."

If the 'father' had wanted contact he could have gone to court. In practice a court would not have forced overnight stays where the child didn't have a bed.

Bad enough OP has to raise a child on her own without making it her responsibility to 'facilitate' the father's relationship. After 6 years of being the only parent I think she's earned the right do defend her own interests and let the father lok after his.

Clearly you disagree but it comes off as a little obsessive to pursue the OP across multiple threads to keep makign that point.

@donquixotedelamancha Maybe that poster is my ex?! 😂

That thought had occured to me too.

@poetryandwine I have. Unfortunately he loses his job, then gains employment again, then loses it again, so it’s impossible for them to track his employment / employer and take it straight from source.

"When will you start doing 50% of the driving for contact"

"When you have a court order making me".

I'm usually actually in the side of the NRP when a RP moves away.

But when someone hasn't been bothered and has moved themselves missing years of contact I don't think they have any right to suddenly demand you do half the travel.

I didn't pursue anybody. Turns out the poster has apparently previously posted something where I don't appear to have agreed with them and remembers me for committing such an offence, whereas I don't.

Good lord, raise your bar.

Sorry if this is the best kind of man in your life but these chaotic set ups are awful for children. Sorry if your Dad left you on a sofa while random drunk men came in and out. Providing a stable and secure home for children is rather important. Do better.

I'd share the driving OP just because if you don't your DS will no doubt hear the song the previous poster was singing, the lament of the useless father and how his failings are to be laid at your door.

The HMO issue was a huge safeguarding issue, well done you for sticking with what you know to be best for your child, any child.

Why does the quote function not function.

This in response to the PP who I assumed is either a useless Dad and thinks the HMO was a proper environment for a child.

I would say you will do 50% of the driving when he does 50% of the care.

I would just say I don’t even get regular child maintenance from you to bring him up, you’ll have to pay your own petrol and travel time driving if you want to see the child I bring up 90% of the time, or you can take me to court, who might wonder at the intermittent maintenance payments (no idea whether that would come up or not but I’d mention it!)

Not unreasonable at all, given that he is a shitty father and the only involvement he has in his child’s life is a day out every other weekend. Literally nothing else. I’d have told him to piss right off too.

This is what probably saves you from having to help him with transport for his contact weekends.

If he had stayed put and you had moved away, you'd need to be doing the transport.

Sorry to hear this, OP. No one can have it both ways