To think my ex, DS’s dad, is cheeky as hell!

[Crisppo]

AIBU to think this is a hugely unreasonable ask?

DS is 8, and since his dad and I split up when he was 2, he hasn’t stayed overnight with him. I have posted about him before - but essentially he did not have suitable living arrangements to enable DS to stay. He has now moved somewhere more suitable, which has enabled overnights with DS. DS also has ASD and ADHD, which his dad did not understand, but he has since improved his knowledge and approach.

The issue comes with DS’s dad’s attitude to me and his unreasonable requests. Since we split up, I have moved approximately 50 minutes away, to an area that hugely benefits DS. In that time, DS’s dad has had him every other weekend (never overnight, just taking him on days out). That has meant it involves him driving quite a way on his Saturday and Sunday. This is the only driving or childcare he does for DS. He does not take him to school, pick him up, take him to appointments, clubs, nothing. That is all left to me and my partner. He has had periods of unemployment where he could have taken a more active role, he just hasn’t bothered. To make it worse, he doesn’t even pick up the phone to contact DS in between his weekends, he has no idea how DS is doing unless I reach out to him.

Last night, the day before he was due to pick up DS for his first stay over ever, he messaged me asking when he can expect me to start to share the driving on his weekends. I asked what did he mean, it’s his responsibility to get DS to and from his place on his contact weekends, not mine. He then said that when my baby (who is 5 weeks old) gets older, he expects me to share the driving and pick up DS every other Sunday from his place and that it would only be fair! When I again refused, he started to become rude in his text messaging, saying he knew I wouldn’t give him leniency and I’m hugely unreasonable.

AIBU to think this is totally ludicrous and of course I shouldn’t be (and won’t be) collecting DS from his house every other weekend?! In my mind it’s his responsibility on his weekends and he is a CF to even suggest it given he does nothing for DS the rest of the time!

She didn't refuse, she already explained that to you...did you not get it?

100% this.

I'm sick of people making excuses for deadbeat fathers

Think if it's more than £10 a week which I'm assuming a 50min journey four times will be then he can. But it's minimal usually but cms seem to make it up as they go along.

Personally I would pick up my child every other weekend to ensure my child had contact with the dad. You saying no may cause for the dad to use that as an excuse not to see your child and then it's your child who missis out.

Shit for you especially when you are doing most the childcare but as is the modern world every other weekend seems the norm so many people will think you are you reasonable to say no

More fool you.

@newamsterdam
Wtf 😂 I'm not even divorced or separated just saying what I would do. But your comment really helps the OP, well done 👏

You should be doing what's best for your child and I personally feel that is for who ever is going to spend their "time" with the child picks them up. That way the journey is a positive thing and not a "I'm driving you to get rid of you" thing.

So yeah share the drive it's what is best for the kid. To show you're both working so their relationship with both their parents works.

Just do what's best for your child.

Also if you end up going to court they like this sort of thing

Your ex has not made a ludicrous request.
You chose to move away and Courts have been known to order that resident parents who do this are responsible for the travel arrangement in full.
It’s very unusual for a child not to have overnight contact with a parent who sees them regularly. Especially when the concerns relate to same sex bed sharing.
I think you should offer to do pick up or drop off. Does your child know you haven’t liked the idea of overnight contact for all this time?
I don’t agree with you on the weekend travel arrangements issue:
Also you can’t expect your ex to get involved in day to day arrangements when you’ve chosen to move a hour away from where you previously lived. It’s a two hour round trip and you were aware of this before you moved.

Then agree to sharing thr driving but remind him that you will also need the full amount of CM every month!

I would just grey rock him "take it to court if you aren't happy with the arrangements".

Some folk are just too selfish to see how little effort the make. The bar for fathers is ridiculously low. He probably expects a medal for finally providing a place suitable for DS to stay.

I'm with you op. The "who moved"? mantra is so often used both here and in court but it simply isn't that simple. Lots of NRPs, whole staying geographically close remove themselves from any sort of day to day parenting or, as in this case, the option for overnight. They are more than happy for the RP to take the practical, financial and emotional strain of parenting 99% of the time. So an RP moves for cheaper housing, a better job or family support and all of a sudden they are the bad guy preventing access and should be liable for a minimum of 50% of the travel, even if the NRP isn't paying maintenance and does fuck all. FWIW I gave my ex a very similar reply to the one posted upthread about sharing everything 50% and he suddenly went v quiet about the travelling. It's utterly pathetic the lengths some will go to to defend useless men who will only "parent" if everything is made easy for them and they don't have to sacrifice any money or time to do it.

I agree with @BibbleandSqwauk . People have to move for lots of reasons in life and often it's in the children's best interests. Often it's more in their interests than remaining close to a parent who doesn't really care anyway.

"Well, it was you who moved!" is a really poor starting-point for who should do the travelling, especially if it comes from the lips of someone who is contributing a fucking day trip a fortnight to their child's life while also trying to swindle them out of money rightly due to them by playing silly buggers with the CM. I'm afraid I'd be laughing such a parent out of the room, rather than giving credence to their ridiculous suggestions around "fairness" when they can't be bothered to even be fair to their child.

The child does not want to share a bed with his father. It’s not coming from OP. And I think children should absolutely be heard if they do not wish to share a bed. He needs personal space to sleep, that’s a bare minimum.

i doubt he will bother going to court, it costs money to apply to court.

I agrée that you should do 50% when the father does 50% of the parenting and pays CMS properly. What a low bar some people have for 'fathers'!

How cheeky of him to ask when the op does pretty much everything else! And he's moved around himself so not that he's stayed put in the original family location. Although by some of the responses on here, no wonder he's cheeky when there are people lining up to support him.

Some people seem to think that an RP should martyr themselves and their long term financial prospects and effectively be held to ransom by an NRP who does the barest minimum of parenting.

I would remind him that he does not do any of the day to day transportation. If he is willing to do his share then you will talk.

I think YABU. I dont think he is being unreasonable or cheeky at all. You should do either drop off or collection.

Fuck that shit. He does barely anything as it is. I'd say an outright no. And if he takes you to court, you can obey the ruling with the same consistency that he obeys the child maintenance ruling!

@WowOK but why? When he does fuck all else and didn't when they lived closer? Why should the OP do 50% of his tiny, measly sliver of parenting?

It's not really the case that RP moved (years ago) because NRP didn't stay put in the family home during that time, he has also moved around much further from his son than the RP did.

It's not a rule that if one parent moves back to an area their child lived 5 years ago they can suddenly demand they drive to him.

YANBU but…..
My DD’s see their dad every weekend and stay overnight. More or less they stay every week but that varies now their older, some weeks they stay 2 nights some weeks not at all. Their older now 17 and 15. Both high functioning ASD and younger one also ADHD, if they’ve had a rough week and want to stay home they do that.
we moved 20mins away and EXH does not drive (lost his right to drive years ago drunk driving and I’d not like them in his car even if possible) so myself or DH drop and pick up. We do this for DD’s not EXH. There has been long periods over the years he has not seen them, they want to see him. I understand your point and the responsibility should be on Ex to pick up and drop off but put your DS’s needs first it’s for him not the ex. And I would 200% have done the same and not allowed overnights in HMO! You got this mama x

I agree with asking him when he will split all the driving duties as well as pay for his child.
Normally I do think the harder who moved away should drive, but as your ex doesn’t support his child then no, he should drive. He hardly sees him anyway.