To think my ex, DS’s dad, is cheeky as hell!

[Crisppo]

AIBU to think this is a hugely unreasonable ask?

DS is 8, and since his dad and I split up when he was 2, he hasn’t stayed overnight with him. I have posted about him before - but essentially he did not have suitable living arrangements to enable DS to stay. He has now moved somewhere more suitable, which has enabled overnights with DS. DS also has ASD and ADHD, which his dad did not understand, but he has since improved his knowledge and approach.

The issue comes with DS’s dad’s attitude to me and his unreasonable requests. Since we split up, I have moved approximately 50 minutes away, to an area that hugely benefits DS. In that time, DS’s dad has had him every other weekend (never overnight, just taking him on days out). That has meant it involves him driving quite a way on his Saturday and Sunday. This is the only driving or childcare he does for DS. He does not take him to school, pick him up, take him to appointments, clubs, nothing. That is all left to me and my partner. He has had periods of unemployment where he could have taken a more active role, he just hasn’t bothered. To make it worse, he doesn’t even pick up the phone to contact DS in between his weekends, he has no idea how DS is doing unless I reach out to him.

Last night, the day before he was due to pick up DS for his first stay over ever, he messaged me asking when he can expect me to start to share the driving on his weekends. I asked what did he mean, it’s his responsibility to get DS to and from his place on his contact weekends, not mine. He then said that when my baby (who is 5 weeks old) gets older, he expects me to share the driving and pick up DS every other Sunday from his place and that it would only be fair! When I again refused, he started to become rude in his text messaging, saying he knew I wouldn’t give him leniency and I’m hugely unreasonable.

AIBU to think this is totally ludicrous and of course I shouldn’t be (and won’t be) collecting DS from his house every other weekend?! In my mind it’s his responsibility on his weekends and he is a CF to even suggest it given he does nothing for DS the rest of the time!

So, you dig your heels in, what happens?

In the first instance, your ex refuses to return your DS. That becomes a stressful and upsetting experience for all of you. Then you refuse to let DS see his dad because you don't want a rerun of that and have no trust. Then you end up in court (who will order you share the driving) or your son ends up not seeing his dad at all.

Many dad's are useless. But your son will need to work that out for himself. It's their relationship, not yours. Be the parent who helps, not hinders. Better your son knows a useless dad and says thanks, mum, for letting me know him warts and all than listens to, and believes, an angry dad who blames you for getting in the way.

@Baconisdelicious I disagree. Having seen a friend go through similar with her ex, the children are much more settled and stable now that she has stopped bending over backwards to minimally involve the dad. It's a sadness for them that they effectively only have one parent but they have much more clarity than when they would see a distant, unfamiliar figure once in a blue moon who bought them age inappropriate presents and didn't know what they liked to eat. If this "dad" can't be arsed to do the travelling to spend time with his child when he is doing nothing else, including providing maintenance then the child is better off without him. I have no faith in the shibboleth of contact at all costs.

You seem insistent on arguing about something that would be logical to most people and something most courts would agree with. The parent has to provide a safe environment for the child in order to stay. That's not a safe environment.
Op isn't obstructing anything, she wants the child to continue to stay over but just doesn't want to drive. I think she shouldn't, he does little parenting on day to day life so it's the least he could do.
If he was so desperate to have the child overnight then he would have got it together and found somewhere safe to live so ge could have started staying sooner

If this "dad" can't be arsed to do the travelling to spend time with his child when he is doing nothing else, including providing maintenance then the child is better off without him

He can be arsed to travel and is doing so. And has been doing so for quite some time.

Children need to know their parents, except in cases where abuse has taken place. Both parents need to facilitate that but if one isn't going to, where does that leave the child? Frequently in separated parenting, both parents play their fair share in one of them struggling to maintain the relationship. OP an dig her heels in and who would blame.hee, being the one doing everything? Still her son not getting to spend time with dad which she could have done something about.

If he was so desperate to have the child overnight then he would have got it together and found somewhere safe to live so ge could have started staying sooner

Easy to say. How easy is it to do? You don't have a child so no right to child related benefits, or a bedroom to be taken into account for housing. Not much right to benefits as a single person if earning just full time minimum wage and any more and no help at all. We live in times where even studio flats are costing upwards of £600 a month in shit areas.

We blame dad's for walking away. But in reality, many men, particularly lower earners, lose out in divorce when the children are full time with mum. It's an uncomfortable truth - one I never really wanted to face with my ex and we had plenty of cash to split between us to give us a leg up. We can say get a house or get a better paid job...not always that easy. Many dad's are shit. Many dad's are shit but also get a tough time when trying to keep a relationship going. I can see why some walk away. It's hard, it's embarrassing to be in a HMO, harder still if not well paid, and you're doing your best.

And I say that as someone who brought but 3 kids alone, with no maintenance from an increasingly angry and bitter ex who never did his fair share. But our children have a relationship with us both and as much as it hurts to see them enjoy his company after everything I did and the sod all he did, it is right that they know him and.have made their own choices about him.

So a half arsed father suddenly gets to start dictating how things go. Erm no thanks.
It's not your responsibility to maintain their relationship. It's his.
You need to support it happening but he's the one that needs to make the effort coz he's the father!

It may not seem fair to you in the context of all the failings of your ex - but my layperson's understanding is that if one parent moves away, it's their responsibility to get the child to & from the other parent. My sister is in this situation, she moved away from the area she and ex lived in, so she does 100% of the driving DC to & from ex's place.

@BarelyCoping123 we've covered this upthread. Whilst that is often a simple "who moved?" Q it rarely is as black and white as that, especially when the RP moved to make being the RP feasible.

@Baconisdelicious if an NRP doesn't have the child pretty much at all, there's no reason why they can't work / train / upskill to improve their income is there? All this handwringing about poor hard done by exes...I have little sympathy. If they asked for 50/50 custody they'd likely get it now then assets would be split equally too, but they don't. They piss off and leave the (usually) mother to hold it all together and still have the temerity to ask to share the tiny little bit of what they DO do. I'd be pretty unimpressed as a slightly older child if I thought my v occasional parent couldn't even do all of that.

Both parents moved away from the area they originally lived in though - the OP only moved 50 minutes, dad moved 3 hours.
Then when dad moved back he chose not to live near his child.

I think if the dad saw his child every week, eg he picked him up from school then dropped him off at the op’s house every Wednesday. Then he had to drive to collect him every Saturday then drive him back to his house, then drive back to the ops house, then yes, I think it’s reasonable to ask the op to do one or 2 pick ups. However, the dad is only driving once a fortnight. The rest of the time the op is doing all the running. In this case I do not think it’s fair for the op to drive her son to his dads.

Yep. A judge would tell you you're in the wrong. When your baby is older (potentially not much older if your DP is around at weekends) you need to do half of all journeys. That's a fact. Appreciate you don't like it, but you have no argument in your favour that a judge would be persuaded by.

It's not just the time commitment or the petrol cost. It's that your DS needs to see you are supportive of his time with his dad - permission to be happy going and enjoying himself there - and you put your money where your mouth is by getting him there. You're not doing your ex a favour; you're doing your kid a favour.

@LizHoney I'm sorry but you cannot say what a judge definitely would do. There may be a general trend but every case is different and generalisations are not helpful. There are plenty of cases where a judge has deemed the move reasonable and that a fair split of ALL aspects of parenting, not just the travel should be accounted for. I'm not sure why travel is always seen as the one thing that ought to be 50/50 when apparently it's totally fine for an NRP to shoulder a fraction of that in terms of financial and time cost.

Maybe a judge would also say that he ought to be paying the child support consistently. If he can ignore the bit that actually puts food on his child's table, sure as hell the OP can ignore the bit about driving to facilitate this dickhead to do any parenting!

Besides, he's not going to take her to court - legal action costs money and if he can't find enough to get suitable housing for his child to stay over, or pay he CS, he's unlikely to spend it on a court case.