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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a dinner invite for my child & suggest a play date instead?

112 replies

Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:14

My son, X, is 6. He has a friend, Y, in school who is from a less stable background. I don’t know the ins and outs, but he is always in clothes that are dirty or too small, he also has very immature behaviour for his age. His parents keep to themselves, but when they have spoken, the dad has been quite verbally aggressive to a fellow mum with a SEN child, among other, more minor things.
I have no real feelings about the family either way as I don’t know them, but my son is BBFs with this boy. I don’t feel like his behaviour is always appropriate & what I want my son to learn, but that I can correct at home.
today his gran chased me down after school asking if I was X mum. She said it was Ys birthday and he doesn’t get many treats. He would love X to come for tea at weekend, at her house. My husband & I spoke and we both agreed we didn’t feel comfortable so I politely declined explaining that we had plans, but also I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a child that age going to a house of people I don’t know. I have passed on my number if his gran wants to arrange play dates with me present, but she kept explaining how Y had so little opportunity for social interaction (hinting at problems at home) & how much he loved X. Obviously my main priority is my son, and he has a SEN sibling so the father’s reaction to another SEN child hasn’t helped how I feel. I don’t want to stop my son being friends with him, I just want to monitor it & correct as I feel appropriate ..

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 06/10/2023 22:17

It’s your sons best friend, and it’s the grandmothers house not the parents, and you can’t correct his behaviour at school either… I’d let him go.

Original poster
Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:19

really? Even with only having met the lady for 2 mins at the school gates? I’m not sure if I’m being ridiculously over cautious but I don’t know the first thing about her, or the family, or who will be in the house

OP posts:
MumOfTheNorth · 06/10/2023 22:20

I agree your son's a bit young for this on his own and think it would be completely reasonable for you to explain to the gran that you don't feel comfortable leaving him with people you don't know but that you'd be happy to go on a playdate jointly. Once you get to know her you might feel more comfortable leaving him with her or not which is also fine.

TeaKitten · 06/10/2023 22:21

Play dates with school friends are perfectly normal. Your problem isn’t so much that it’s a stranger, it’s that you are judgemental of the kids parents. Which is probably fair enough but the play date isn’t at the parents house…

theduchessofspork · 06/10/2023 22:21

TeaKitten · 06/10/2023 22:17

It’s your sons best friend, and it’s the grandmothers house not the parents, and you can’t correct his behaviour at school either… I’d let him go.

Yep, it’s just tea

You can even go if you want, but it sounds like it would be a good deed

Original poster
Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:22

I’m not judgemental of them at all. As I said I don’t know them to have feelings either way. I only know what I have seen so far!

OP posts:
CharlieBigPotatoes1 · 06/10/2023 22:23

It would be for a couple of hours I’m guessing? Blimey. Let him go.

User0311 · 06/10/2023 22:23

I personally wouldn't be comfortable letting my DD go if I was in this situation.

Original poster
Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:23

Unfortunately I can’t as I have caring responsibilities for a disabled child and my husband is away. Otherwise that could have been an option

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 06/10/2023 22:23

I wouldn't let him go on his own, but I'd have offered to go with him.

Or I'd have asked the Grandmother if she wanted to meet up somewhere on the weekend (McDonalds or somewhere cheap and accessible).

AperolWhore · 06/10/2023 22:24

Can’t you go and stay? Just say you got your dates muddled up, your son would love to go but you’re not comfortable with drop off so you’ll stay and help etc.

or alternatively, you can’t make that date but you’re happy to host him and the gran one weekend?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/10/2023 22:24

At that age most parents I know would come with their children, at least the first few times, unless they knew them very well. I think I'd say that your son actually gets worried at playdates when you're not there so could he come but you will come as well (and stress that you're not expecting to be fed as well). And then you can see for yourself what its like. Explain that you have something else on so you can make a relatively quick exit if you need to

404usernotfound · 06/10/2023 22:24

Of course YANBU for not wanting to leave your DS alone with people you’ve not met in a house you’ve not been to. I can’t believe people are suggesting otherwise!

AutumnFroglets · 06/10/2023 22:25

I wouldn't be happy if my child was 6yrs tbh, but since its a birthday tea which is very special could you say you are uncomfortable leaving him alone but if they are happy for you to stay too (for a cup of tea only) they you would be happy to accept. That way you get to check out her and the house for any future play dates.

Edit. Nvm, just seen your update.

CharlieBigPotatoes1 · 06/10/2023 22:26

404usernotfound · 06/10/2023 22:24

Of course YANBU for not wanting to leave your DS alone with people you’ve not met in a house you’ve not been to. I can’t believe people are suggesting otherwise!

Oh ffs.

RoseAndRose · 06/10/2023 22:28

At that age, you can ask to stay the first time he goes round for tea

If his house is unbearable (and it probably won't be) then just make sure the majority of future ones are at yours or on neutral ground.

He's your son's "BFF" so yes I think that you need to facilitate their friendship outside school

Original poster
Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:29

ordi I would offer to go with him, but unfortunately my husband isn’t around this weekend & I have a disabled child too, so it would be impossible. I have provided my number for his gran for a possible future play date. I just think, 9 times out of 10, all is fine. But that one time it isn’t, whether it’s only tea or 15 mins, if I let him go with someone we don’t know & something was to happen ..

OP posts:
MumOfTheNorth · 06/10/2023 22:36

Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:29

ordi I would offer to go with him, but unfortunately my husband isn’t around this weekend & I have a disabled child too, so it would be impossible. I have provided my number for his gran for a possible future play date. I just think, 9 times out of 10, all is fine. But that one time it isn’t, whether it’s only tea or 15 mins, if I let him go with someone we don’t know & something was to happen ..

Totally agree. Sounds like you don't know the gran at all, maybe she's not the regular pick up. I thinks it's 100% reasonable to want to socialise with someone, even if it's just chatting at the school gates before trusting them with your child. Maybe reach out to the gran to suggest a different date at a soft play or park so she knows you are keen for future play dates x

Original poster
Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:39

Ordinarily

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:41

No she isn’t, it’s the first time I’ve seen her. And with very little conversation with the parents either, over last 2 years, to me it’s akin to leaving him with a stranger. I have offered my number for play dates

OP posts:
Ineedasitdown · 06/10/2023 22:43

listen to your instincts.
Ds is not old enough to speak up for himself. You aren’t happy with the situation. You will worry non stop when he is there. You don’t need validation from the internet , have the confidence in your own judgement.

Rainallnight · 06/10/2023 22:44

Would it make a difference if it was a naice child with a naice family, and you’d never met them properly either?

LoopyLooooo · 06/10/2023 22:50

He's only 6, I don't think you're being too unreasonable as you don't know them that well.

Could you suggest soft play or something another day?

Wineocloc · 06/10/2023 22:52

I’d have accepted the invite on the basis I went along too. I think the poor friend is going to feel very sad not having his best friend at his birthday. He might be his only friend. Imagine if that was your child in that position!

HelloDaisy · 06/10/2023 22:53

Not sure I’d be happy to leave my dc at that age either. Can you invite him and his grandmother to your house for a birthday tea?