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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a dinner invite for my child & suggest a play date instead?

112 replies

Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:14

My son, X, is 6. He has a friend, Y, in school who is from a less stable background. I don’t know the ins and outs, but he is always in clothes that are dirty or too small, he also has very immature behaviour for his age. His parents keep to themselves, but when they have spoken, the dad has been quite verbally aggressive to a fellow mum with a SEN child, among other, more minor things.
I have no real feelings about the family either way as I don’t know them, but my son is BBFs with this boy. I don’t feel like his behaviour is always appropriate & what I want my son to learn, but that I can correct at home.
today his gran chased me down after school asking if I was X mum. She said it was Ys birthday and he doesn’t get many treats. He would love X to come for tea at weekend, at her house. My husband & I spoke and we both agreed we didn’t feel comfortable so I politely declined explaining that we had plans, but also I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a child that age going to a house of people I don’t know. I have passed on my number if his gran wants to arrange play dates with me present, but she kept explaining how Y had so little opportunity for social interaction (hinting at problems at home) & how much he loved X. Obviously my main priority is my son, and he has a SEN sibling so the father’s reaction to another SEN child hasn’t helped how I feel. I don’t want to stop my son being friends with him, I just want to monitor it & correct as I feel appropriate ..

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 07/10/2023 08:48

TeaKitten · 06/10/2023 22:17

It’s your sons best friend, and it’s the grandmothers house not the parents, and you can’t correct his behaviour at school either… I’d let him go.

Me too

nibblessquibbles · 07/10/2023 08:49

Why not explain the situation? Edited slightly.
Just say you have a disabled sibling, your DH is away and so you can't come along and you like to accompany DS on play dates. Say you'd be happy to host at your house or arrange for a future date.

Quitterrrr · 07/10/2023 08:54

I know you said you can’t this weekend because of your other child and your DH unable to help, but can you suggest they have a birthday treat at the gran’s another day and you be there?

I think your son would love it - if he’s this child’s BFF - and I feel so sad for that child. None of this is his fault.

But you’re not unreasonable for not wanting your son to be there alone. But I would go too, which wouldn’t be unusual at age 6.

CornedBeef451 · 07/10/2023 08:58

Nope, no way I'd send my DS to their house nor to the Na's house without me being there.

They're strangers, plus you have concerns about the family! No chance. I think you did exactly the right thing.

Prinnny · 07/10/2023 09:13

Yeah im with you OP, if DD really wanted to go I would go but stay with her, appreciate this isn’t possible for you. However, the parents sound like wrong uns so it’s not a friendship I would be encouraging, or at best all play dates would be on neutral grounds or us hosting.

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/10/2023 09:22

Could you ask to take your other child with you?

billy1966 · 07/10/2023 09:27

CornedBeef451 · 07/10/2023 08:58

Nope, no way I'd send my DS to their house nor to the Na's house without me being there.

They're strangers, plus you have concerns about the family! No chance. I think you did exactly the right thing.

Agree.

Listen to your gut OP.

The father speaking aggressively to another mother would mean my child woud never be near their home.

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2023 09:31

Invite the kid and the grandmother to your house. Tell her she’s welcome to bring a cake. Explain about your SEN child and say you’d love to host them at your house. Get to know her.

StarlightLime · 07/10/2023 09:33

Wishbone436 · 06/10/2023 22:29

ordi I would offer to go with him, but unfortunately my husband isn’t around this weekend & I have a disabled child too, so it would be impossible. I have provided my number for his gran for a possible future play date. I just think, 9 times out of 10, all is fine. But that one time it isn’t, whether it’s only tea or 15 mins, if I let him go with someone we don’t know & something was to happen ..

What do you think will happen?

AlisonDonut · 07/10/2023 10:19

gotomomo · 07/10/2023 08:14

My dd was going to tea at people's houses from 3 without me. This post is another illustration of helicopter parenting, there was another about schools telling parents the homework earlier (for older children). But it starts young, you have to use your judgement, the grandmother in this case invited him, why no invite the boy to yours for the first play date

You were sending your 3 year old to random people's houses for tea when you knew their parent was an agressive man who shouts at people?

Crikey.

Cleo888 · 07/10/2023 15:06

404usernotfound · 06/10/2023 22:24

Of course YANBU for not wanting to leave your DS alone with people you’ve not met in a house you’ve not been to. I can’t believe people are suggesting otherwise!

Exactly I am also shocked at people suggesting otherwise don't we live on the same planet??
Please OP DO NOT let your child go alone that's crazy!!
I suggest you getting to know the grandma over a period of time first. There will be other opportunities for your DS to go over alone that's if after your vetting you feel comfortable....

Thegoodbadandugly · 07/10/2023 15:14

To be honest I know of someone who has an Sen child and the father is quite aggressive to other children that are Sen and vulnerable parents he is very narcissistic and more so towards woman, I for one minute would not have any child if mine going to his house, if he is like that outside home what on earth is he like inside?

Maddy70 · 07/10/2023 15:21

He's having a birthday tea. At his grandparents. Of course he should go. It is a play date with food

This poor kid!

whowhatwerewhy · 07/10/2023 15:35

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2023 09:31

Invite the kid and the grandmother to your house. Tell her she’s welcome to bring a cake. Explain about your SEN child and say you’d love to host them at your house. Get to know her.

This

Lunabetty · 07/10/2023 15:43

YANBU

bigshort · 07/10/2023 15:53

StarlightLime · 07/10/2023 09:33

What do you think will happen?

Show quote history

Why do you think nothing could possibly happen?

Thegoodbadandugly · 07/10/2023 16:41

You obviously haven't read the ops post properly like others.

reallypuzzledoverthis · 07/10/2023 16:57

If his parents were both professionals and lived in a big house with a nice car you would not think twice so maybe a bit of unconscious bias is at play here, can you invite the little boy and his gran to your house maybe for some cakes and tea? It seems a shame that this little boy will miss out on friendships and opportunities throughout his childhood due to his parents - not saying that is down to you, but other parents will judge him too

PurpleSproutingSomething · 07/10/2023 17:02

No matter the background of the family or their personal circumstances, I wouldn't be agreeing to a playdate or dinner without a parent being there initially.

I do think it would be nice for your son to choose a card and gift for his best friend though for his birthday.

StarlightLime · 07/10/2023 17:03

bigshort · 07/10/2023 15:53

Why do you think nothing could possibly happen?

Show quote history

Anything can possibly happen anywhere. Some things are significantly less probable than others. We assess risk every time we leave the house, or invite someone into it.
Everything is possible, not everything is likely.

caringcarer · 07/10/2023 17:05

I'd say I couldn't leave him alone but I'd be happy to take him and stay provided my other DC with SEN could come too.

caringcarer · 07/10/2023 17:05

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 06/10/2023 22:59

I'd do this.

Show quote history

Yes another good alternative.

sofasofa42 · 07/10/2023 17:11

My 6 yr old is going no where near a house that I didn't know the parents let alone extended family.
Your mum vibes don't feel comfortable , so I think you are perfectly ok to do this.
There are many different ways for this kid to have a nice birthday and it doesn't need to involve your 6yr old being on his own in an unfamiliar house.

happsy · 07/10/2023 17:12

404usernotfound · 06/10/2023 22:24

Of course YANBU for not wanting to leave your DS alone with people you’ve not met in a house you’ve not been to. I can’t believe people are suggesting otherwise!

This! He's 6yo and very little. I have a 7yo and wouldn't be ok with this.

waterrat · 07/10/2023 17:15

Id explain you have sen sibling so cant attend and would like to get to know her firsf

Arrange playdate in the park with cake ??

I would absolutely make this happen as very sad for the little boy if you just say no