To decline a dinner invite for my child & suggest a play date instead?

[Wishbone436]

My son, X, is 6. He has a friend, Y, in school who is from a less stable background. I don’t know the ins and outs, but he is always in clothes that are dirty or too small, he also has very immature behaviour for his age. His parents keep to themselves, but when they have spoken, the dad has been quite verbally aggressive to a fellow mum with a SEN child, among other, more minor things.
I have no real feelings about the family either way as I don’t know them, but my son is BBFs with this boy. I don’t feel like his behaviour is always appropriate & what I want my son to learn, but that I can correct at home.
today his gran chased me down after school asking if I was X mum. She said it was Ys birthday and he doesn’t get many treats. He would love X to come for tea at weekend, at her house. My husband & I spoke and we both agreed we didn’t feel comfortable so I politely declined explaining that we had plans, but also I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a child that age going to a house of people I don’t know. I have passed on my number if his gran wants to arrange play dates with me present, but she kept explaining how Y had so little opportunity for social interaction (hinting at problems at home) & how much he loved X. Obviously my main priority is my son, and he has a SEN sibling so the father’s reaction to another SEN child hasn’t helped how I feel. I don’t want to stop my son being friends with him, I just want to monitor it & correct as I feel appropriate ..

I'd do this.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you are right to say no. Who cares what anyone else thinks. You are your child's protector so you get to decide. I would politely decline but offer to have the friend over at my place for a play date or meet at a park one day. Even get your son to take a birthday present in to make his friend feel special. Plenty of awful situations could be avoided if people didn't always think they had to be nice and do something they aren't comfortable with.

I have no real feelings about the family either way as I don’t know them

Well that's rubbish isn't it. You say you're not judgemental but you are judging them on what you've seen so far. Understandably so, but at least be honest about it

OP I have no idea why people are bending over backwards to be #bekind by calling you judgemental. There are clear signs of neglect on this child, and bad parental behaviour. It's obviously going to raise red flags.
I wouldn't be sacrificing kids' safety for the sake of virtue signalling. YANBU.

I think I'd invite him round to your house or to the park etc when it's convenient for you. I personally think 6 is too young to be sending him to a house you don't know where you think the parents are questionable.

Oh its only a couple of hours? Well sure then, we should all send our very young children in to the houses of complete strangers as long as its only for couple of hours.
Nothing could possibly go wrong in a couple of hours.

Oh give over. If you want to wrap your child in cotton wool because of what might happen you’re doing them a great disservice. Helicopter parents do not help their children. Sure, danger at hand, absolutely step in.

I think it's absolutely fine to have a rule/boundary that you go with your children at least the first time they visit a new house. You could say that to the GMA that you'd need to come too although you don't expect a meal of course.

(It will only be awkward if she hears you don't keep to that rule with other families and they might think it's to do with race class etc )

I'm neither high nor a lunatic.

are you a first time mummy or very young because you sound very naive?

But would the good deed really benefit the OP's child?

This is a classic MN over egging the pudding post.

Out of interest, would you feel the same if it were another classmate, whos parents you didn’t really know? If so- fair enough. You’re setting a precedent here though so it’s worth thinking it through fully. Fwiw- tea after school at friends houses is VERY common from your child’s age where we live- and we only know the parents to briefly chat at the school gates or whatever. It’s a natural thing to start happening in most cases (although appreciate your child may be less ready for that with SEN)

I wouldn’t leave a child that age with people I didn’t know well. YANBU.

I am not a fan of helicopter parenting but I think there is a happy medium. Protecting a child from being exposed to witnessing something potentially distressing at age 6 is not really wrapping them in cotton wool.

As a young child I witnessed some horrible stuff happening to one of my friends at her house at the hands of one of her parents. It really affected me.

You have to be trolling. I'm a very old and very experienced parent, and like every other parent I've ever met, I never sent a six year old into the house of complete strangers.
If you think its normal to do so, you are parenting wrong, and you should do better. You know how your mother told you not to talk to strangers? It's like that, but even more obvious.

Well you’re incredibly condescending so F off!

Right?!! I can not believe that ‘coming for tea’ isn’t a completely normal thing for everyone!!!! Incredible- but I guess we’re all different 🤷‍♀️ Where we are it’s a mainstay.
maybe we’re all high… 😉

If you feel uneasy about the family surely it’s wise to not go along with it? I used to work with LAC and foster carers had to check details of their foster kids friends parents before they spent time there. It was a bit embarrassing for some of the kids but it kept them safe. Not too long a little boy was killed by a dog in his friends house. You just don’t know what you’re sending your child into and if your instinct is saying no then just go with it.

Everyone judges people and situations, that’s what you’re meant to do unless you’re a toddler who loves and believes and trusts everyone! It’s important in life to exercise good judgment. It’s literally a good thing.

Not the same as being judgmental.

Well this has split people a bit hasn't it?
I would absolutely let him go.
Everything about it 'feels right'.
I hope that you will 'let him go', that he has a lovely time and, hopefully, it will be start of something good for both children and their families.

Absolutely WILD. Seriously. So you never went to a friends house for tea in infants? Your children never have??!!
SURELY I can’t be the only one who thinks this is bananas.
After school tea play dates are a thing!! And no- they’re not with strangers off the street, they’re with the parents of their friends. And you’re right- we’ve not vetted each one, or become close friends. But we’ve had a few chats in the playground, then made the arrangement, and it’s COMPLETELY NORMAL. So you can fuck right off with the ‘parenting wrong’ crap.

@Hangonaminutethere @CharlieBigPotatoes1 yes going to tea is perfectly normal but the O P doesn't want her kid exposed to something unsavoury at a young age. Young children are very impressionable and the behaviour of the parents sounds like it could be setting a bad example for the OP's DS.

Children having play dates is meant to be a mutually enjoyable thing for both the children involved. If that is a likely outcome for the OP's child then great. But the OP doesn't feel it would be beneficial for him, and her child is going to be her priority. That's normal for parents to consider the best interests of their child first.

To be fair the OP has said she never met the gran before this invitation so she is effectively a stranger

OP what do you think will happen to your son if he goes to his best mates grans house for birthday tea, it sounds lovely.
If his parents are financially struggling this is probably even more meaningful so I think I’d try to make it work.
Couldn’t you drop him off and stay for a little while to reassure yourself before leaving?