To decline a dinner invite for my child & suggest a play date instead?

[Wishbone436]

My son, X, is 6. He has a friend, Y, in school who is from a less stable background. I don’t know the ins and outs, but he is always in clothes that are dirty or too small, he also has very immature behaviour for his age. His parents keep to themselves, but when they have spoken, the dad has been quite verbally aggressive to a fellow mum with a SEN child, among other, more minor things.
I have no real feelings about the family either way as I don’t know them, but my son is BBFs with this boy. I don’t feel like his behaviour is always appropriate & what I want my son to learn, but that I can correct at home.
today his gran chased me down after school asking if I was X mum. She said it was Ys birthday and he doesn’t get many treats. He would love X to come for tea at weekend, at her house. My husband & I spoke and we both agreed we didn’t feel comfortable so I politely declined explaining that we had plans, but also I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a child that age going to a house of people I don’t know. I have passed on my number if his gran wants to arrange play dates with me present, but she kept explaining how Y had so little opportunity for social interaction (hinting at problems at home) & how much he loved X. Obviously my main priority is my son, and he has a SEN sibling so the father’s reaction to another SEN child hasn’t helped how I feel. I don’t want to stop my son being friends with him, I just want to monitor it & correct as I feel appropriate ..

Maybe go with him, stay for a while then leave him for an hour and go back for him. It's a worry but the gran might be ok and sensible.

No, of course not.

The parents of their friends, who you have never met are LITERALLY strangers off the streets. Just because your kids play together at school does not mean you know their parents, or any other random family that may be in the house.

You may as well walk down a random street, knock on the door, and send your tiny kid in for dinner, telling them you'll pick them up in a couple of hours. Its the same thing, you are sending your child into an unknown home with unknown people.
In this case, the little you do know about them is all bad. WTF would you be thinking of saying yes to this?

This place is WILD, alright. So many people making out piss poor parenting is normal.

YANBU OP.

I can't believe some posters are suggesting you are!

My kids went to after school play dates at friends houses from reception, so age 4. But, I had got to know the parents well enough for me to feel comfortable with it. You are actually allowed to judge people from appearances in some circumstances (for shame!) If the child looks uncared for, then it's perfectly reasonable that you don't want your 6 year old going to his house. And the grandmother might be perfectly nice, but you dont know her. As if you'd let a stranger take your child home with them! I'd either invite the child to your house or arrange a soft play date or something.

No way would my 6 year old be going to some random persons house just because they’re related to his best friend. I don’t even think the background of the kid and his family is relevant here. You barely know them, don’t know the gran either so it’s not happening if you can’t be there too (which I can see that you can’t.)

A pp suggestion is good regarding offering to go to soft play or a little meal for the kids at McDonald’s/somewhere cheap. It’d be sad for the boy to miss out on spending time with your DS

Helicopter parent because we wouldn’t want to send a 6 year old to a complete strangers house by himself? Ok😂

Read the thread properly.

OP has never met the gran before so she literally is a stranger. You’re happy to send a 6 year old off to someone’s house because they’re related to your child’s friend? Madness

I'd try to accommodate something for the boy. Could you suggest an activity that you can take your other child to as well, and call it a gift to him? I would not send my child to a house I had never been to, with people I've never met; those who think this is ok clearly do not understand the risks. There is one kid from DS's class and a neighbour who are each welcome here any time, but the risk from a rough older sibling in one case, and sheer filth in the other case, means I will not have DS unsupervised in their home. In both cases these are actually low risk, I came across much worse when I was a child, but he's my child so it's up to me to set the bar.

This

I have a similar situation with DD. She has had a best friend since reception and is in Y3 now. His home life is not ideal, his clothes sometimes smell of cigarette smoke, he watches 18 rated horror films, his behaviour isn't the best, his house is cluttered and dirty. She adores him and, despite a few issues, he is a sweet boy and he cares a lot about DD. I have allowed her to his house a few times and he's been here. It's just a few hours, they're together all day at school, his situation isn't really his fault and he shouldn't be punished for it.

I think you need to chill out a bit and allow the dinner.

Play dates and friendships are exactly how I got to know parents and built up relationships. I think you’re not coming across well enough to accuse others of bad parenting. If anything you sound a little on edge.

The ops situation seems different though. The Nan has come across a bit desperate (I don’t mean that unkindly) That alone would put me off. Also if the person had a dog it would be a hard no. I’d need to know the dog and owner very well. Other than that I’m pretty laid back about play dates.

Parents are allowed to make judgements and use their instincts to keep their child safe. And yes, I’d feel happier if my child’s friend had a nice family rather than a dad who’s aggressive to families who have SEN children 🙄

I would have done the same thing OP. 6 is still really little and you don't know the family.

It would for me.
Either family could cause harm to my child but statistically I know which family is most likely to be safer.
We live in a nice area next to a much rougher area, parents from each side of town don't tend to mingle and rarely do the kids strike up friendships with each other. Everyone seems happy with the status quo.
My kids are teenagers now, I remind them regularly that 'you are judged by the company you keep' and I can't believe anyone on here would be happy to send a six year old off to a family as described in the OP without a backwards glance.

I would say yes but as you’re clearly uncomfortable and would spent the whole time worrying PLEASE sort out an alternative soon. Take the poor sod to McDonalds after school or something and get him a present.

I was in a similar situation when DS was that age. Despite my concerns I decided to let him go around for tea, thought what could go wrong?

Well I learned the hard way. Went to pick him up and the boys were no where to be found. They'd been allowed to play out alone in the street with no supervision and had ended up in another child's house who were complete strangers to me

DS was too shy to say no. He came home upset, hadn't enjoyed going there at all.

Listen to your gut.

My dd was going to tea at people's houses from 3 without me. This post is another illustration of helicopter parenting, there was another about schools telling parents the homework earlier (for older children). But it starts young, you have to use your judgement, the grandmother in this case invited him, why no invite the boy to yours for the first play date

I have a 6yo and the school is very mixed. My DS's lovely best friend had been here a heap of times but never worked out timing wise for him to go to his friends house. I knew the mum from drop off and she seemed lovely, the only concerning thing was that DS told me that his friends parents had got married because if they didn't the daughter would have got 'taken off them'. Well over the summer hols we tried to get in touch and they went AWOL on WhatsApp and it turns out that the mum and dad had split up and she had to flee with the kids due to DV.

I'm actually finding it a little difficult to allow DS to have independence with his friends but keep him safe. I read a statistic on a pamphlet recently that said most children will have been exposed to pornography by 8 years old. I know what safety features I have in place at my house on devices but I have no idea what friends have. My nieces cousin (9 very well to do family) has recently been groomed on her nintendo switch game. At the minute I prefer to arrange playmates at the local soft play, happy to book in advance and pay and supervise but gives me and the other mum a safe space. No animals present, no unknown family members, no unsupervised/unfiltered access to devices.

Suggest a different date and go with him or arrange childcare and go.

But no one, absolutely no one, has said 6 year olds shouldn’t go to others houses for tea. Only that they shouldn’t go with a complete stranger without perhaps the mum staying for a while the first time.

Did you genuinely send your 3 year old off with people you had met once, and spoken to for less that a couple of minutes? Or did you build up a relationship with them first through chatting at nursery drop offs or playgroups?

Letting a 6 year old go to a strangers house alone? Fuck that!

Whether we call it judgement or risk assessing you have done it and noticed that something is off and that you are uncomfortable. Listen to your gut.

If DD had been invited to a child's house who regularly wore dirty clothes and whose parent had been aggressive in the playground I wouldn't be sending her, certainly not at six. I would question the dirty clothes with what food hygiene standards were at the house. And if a parent can be aggressive in a playground full of parents what are they like at home? Different parents have different opinions on supervision and some would happily let their six year old on the street whereas I would absolutely not.

The grandmother has thrown a spanner in the works as presumably she has stepped in as the parents arent/can't do their job but she's still a stranger. I think you have taken the exact right approach. Get to know them first at a convenient time and then perhaps next year you'll be happy for DS to join the birthday celebrations - or know that you were right in your instinct.

Agree with a previous poster, always listen to your instincts. We could all tell you to go, but we don't know them or the vibes you're getting. I've only declined one playdate purely on getting bad vibes. It turned out I was right to do so, due to the dad behaving inappropriately around the children. Listen to your gut feeling, and don't ask strangers on here.

I would have let him go. You would be taking him, you would be picking him up. How will you get to know his grandmother?

Absolutely! I don’t care whether they live in a mansion or a cardboard box. If I’ve only said hi at the gate a few times, rightly or wrongly, I don’t feel comfortable with him being with them alone. It seems to be quite spit opinions on this but I think he’s too young! He’s only ever been at houses alone with family or close friends. If there is a birthday party I stay. This wasn’t a party, it was his gran trying to do something nice because his birthday had gone without anything 🥲 so I felt really torn. I don’t want the poor lad to miss out but I just couldn’t stay with him in this occasion