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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off over DH's comments

102 replies

Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 19:31

My child is 15, and does competitive sport at quite a high level. She's athletic in build, but also very conscious of this, and says she feels 'big' - she's really not at all, for context around a size 8-10, and ~170-175cm tall.

The problem I have is her dad, my DH. He just doesn't really think before he speaks, and in the past two weeks alone has made comments in her earshot/to her such as "she had a massive dinner, a whole bag of rice", and referenced her "gains" (jokey conversation, but nonetheless, could be interpreted as her looking muscly, which she doesn't want, and doesn't look like that anyway - he said he was referring to her strength.)

I've asked him not to reference her weight, what she eats, nothing at all, and he says he won't...but then still does, because he just doesn't think about the impact on a 15 year old girl. I know that he doesn't think she's too big or anything like that, so it's not coming from any hidden feelings like that. He simply just doesn't think before he speaks.

So I guess AIBU to be worried by his comments, am I being too sensitive?

And if I'm not being U, how the hell do I get him to stop?

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 05/10/2023 19:32

Ask him if he wants his daughter to have an eating disorder.

DinaofCloud9 · 05/10/2023 19:33

Hmm bet he can manage to think before he speaks when it's important to him.

neverbeenskiing · 05/10/2023 19:34

YANBU, far from it. I have worked with many children and teens with ED's over the years and you'd be surprised how often they describe a single throwaway comment as being the thing that made them start restricting their intake or, in some cases, stop eating completely. He needs to stop it, now.

DojaPhat · 05/10/2023 19:35

You need to come down on him every single time he does/says things like that with her there. He'll apologise, the mood will turn awkward and silent, there might be some sulking but the message will get through. You've gone down the road of reminding him and talking to him but it continues, if nothing else it will prevent her from becoming withdrawn with both of you.

DojaPhat · 05/10/2023 19:36

come down on him like a ton of bricks that should have said!

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 05/10/2023 19:37

Watched an episode of My 600lb Life this evening.
As a child, the woman had received similar comments from her father.
She weighed around 700lb and is in therapy.

booksandbeans · 05/10/2023 19:39

YANBU. I still recall my DF making derogatory comments about my weight, clothes, initial & continuing attempts at running. Still haven’t forgot them 30 years on. Not to mention the (slightly inappropriate) jokes about boobs when mine started to take off.

Keroppi · 05/10/2023 19:43

Be rude when he starts and cut him off before he finishes his comment "UH UH. STOP." or a code word or signal you agree on together.. he has to understand he is being critical and judgemental and then he will be receptive to stopping
It sounds like he doesn't see a problem with what he's saying (oh girls are overly sensitive vibe?)
Ask him if he really his daughter's first bully to be her father .. How would he feel if dd's friends or other family members or strangers were commenting on what she eats or how she looks..

JackGrealishsCalves · 05/10/2023 19:44

nutbrownhare15 · 05/10/2023 19:32

Ask him if he wants his daughter to have an eating disorder.

This.
My DH used to do the same with DS and it used to piss me off.
Maybe find some really cutting personal comment to throw back, bet that will make him think about saying it again if his feelings are hurt

Original poster
Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 19:44

nutbrownhare15 · 05/10/2023 19:32

Ask him if he wants his daughter to have an eating disorder.

I have, I've spelled out the damage he could cause/is causing, but I think deep down he just doesn't get it, he can't see how a 'throwaway' comment can lead to that. So he'll apologise, but because he doesn't 'get it', it just happens again.

It makes me so angry, because I know what can happen, how one supposedly lighthearted comment can have a huge impact. I've told him this, over and over. It terrifies me tbh.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/10/2023 19:47

It’s shitty parenting and he could easily stop it!

BrioNotBiro · 05/10/2023 19:47

5'8'' and a size 8? That's model size slim.

Her dad is an idiot as well as insensitive.

Original poster
Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 19:47

JackGrealishsCalves · 05/10/2023 19:44

This.
My DH used to do the same with DS and it used to piss me off.
Maybe find some really cutting personal comment to throw back, bet that will make him think about saying it again if his feelings are hurt

Show quote history

Actually, this might work. There is something I could say about his appearance that would really hurt him...maybe that's the only way I'm going to be able to get him to see what an utter c0ck he's being.

And yes, to the pp who said about the girls being overly sensitive vibe, that's probably it, he massively lacks empathy.

OP posts:
Timmytap18 · 05/10/2023 19:49

I remember I was about 14 and at a family party. We were going on holiday few days later.

After seeing my plate of buffet food my Auntie said, "Jesus, you won't be wearing any bikinis on holiday eating like that"

That was well over 20 years ago and I still think about it when serving myself at a buffet or ordering a large meal in public so it did have an impact on me. Consistent messages like that can be really damaging

Original poster
Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 19:50

BrioNotBiro · 05/10/2023 19:47

5'8'' and a size 8? That's model size slim.

Her dad is an idiot as well as insensitive.

She's perfect, has a naturally athletic figure, which helps in her sport. I agree, he is an idiot.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 05/10/2023 19:51

Gosh this post made me think of an American singer from the early to the late '70s. That was Karen Carpenter. She died of anorexia which she developed after a reporter commented once that she looked 'chubby'. Her starving herself led to years of not eating in which she damaged her heart. That was a reporter who made the comment think of it had been her father.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/10/2023 19:53

Be rude when he starts and cut him off before he finishes his comment "UH UH. STOP." or a code word or signal you agree on together

Just tell him in advance that the next time he 'forgets' the 'code' is that you will start a conversation about whether his piles are still painful, or other embarrassing health condition.

bonzaitree · 05/10/2023 19:53

I feel like you need to call him out the minute he says it.

If he still doesn’t get the message you need to lose your shit not just ask nicely. EDs are a mental illness where very sadly a high percentage die. This is really serious.

willWillSmithsmith · 05/10/2023 19:54

Ask him if he’s stupid. Berate him every single time. Tell him he must be stupid till it gets into his thick skull that it’s unacceptable to make comments. Why does he even comment at all? I’d be fuming at this.

Shadyboots23 · 05/10/2023 20:01

I would find this a deal breaker
My mum spent years commenting on my weight, how much bigger my thighs were, sighing when I didn't fit in a coat because of my shoulders, pointing out how pretty other girls were

I'm broad, my relatives are heavy weight boxers and wrestlers and swimmers, I was never going to be the petite blonde daughter she wanted

I've had lifelong disordered eating because of it

Shadyboots23 · 05/10/2023 20:02

Here. It's not something I usually share so I'm off to NC

https://wannabeadressagediva.wordpress.com/2015/03/04/if-youre-good-ill-get-you-sweets/

He can read it if he wants

rantinglunatic · 05/10/2023 20:08

Could you focus on getting him to start paying her compliments on how lovely she looks every day, give him a goal? I remember Dawn French saying her Dad used to tell her every day how beautiful she looked and so she has always felt that way.

rantinglunatic · 05/10/2023 20:09

I know this is basically touting outside validation from a man as a good thing, so maybe that's problematic too? Maybe someone here will tell me!

Original poster
Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 20:14

Shadyboots23 · 05/10/2023 20:02

Here. It's not something I usually share so I'm off to NC

https://wannabeadressagediva.wordpress.com/2015/03/04/if-youre-good-ill-get-you-sweets/

He can read it if he wants

Thank you, beautifully written. I hope that you're OK.

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 05/10/2023 20:17

Can you ask your DD what she thinks about his comments? She may just not pay any attention to things he says and hasn't even noticed?