Pissed off over DH's comments

[Biscuitsandpizza]

My child is 15, and does competitive sport at quite a high level. She's athletic in build, but also very conscious of this, and says she feels 'big' - she's really not at all, for context around a size 8-10, and ~170-175cm tall.

The problem I have is her dad, my DH. He just doesn't really think before he speaks, and in the past two weeks alone has made comments in her earshot/to her such as "she had a massive dinner, a whole bag of rice", and referenced her "gains" (jokey conversation, but nonetheless, could be interpreted as her looking muscly, which she doesn't want, and doesn't look like that anyway - he said he was referring to her strength.)

I've asked him not to reference her weight, what she eats, nothing at all, and he says he won't...but then still does, because he just doesn't think about the impact on a 15 year old girl. I know that he doesn't think she's too big or anything like that, so it's not coming from any hidden feelings like that. He simply just doesn't think before he speaks.

So I guess AIBU to be worried by his comments, am I being too sensitive?

And if I'm not being U, how the hell do I get him to stop?

He's saying it OP because he wants to. You've pointed out the harm he's doing but you know what? He doesn't give a shit.

He's enjoying hurting his daughter. Why else would he do it? If you love someone, you don't want to hurt them.

Your poor daughter :(

This. I would sit him down and tell him bluntly that he is being hurtful whether he intended to be or not.
That if he can't control himself you'll assume he is deliberately being hurtful/doesn't care and you will act accordingly.

Then line up your insults ready to go.

Jeez, she'll have to eat a ton more before she's as fat as you
How would you know what an athlete needs to eat when in training? ... dear? Meaningful glare

I'm sure the MN posse can line up plenty more

Sorry OP but I don’t think he is being stupid, naive or thoughtless.
something is driving him to pass judgement and make comment. Like a pp has said, I’m sure he doesn’t just blurt out what’s on his mind in other situations. He needs to stop. Now. I would not be able to tolerate such things said to my DD. He could easily change the narrative to something that would build her up not tear her down.

I hate it when people make that excuse for others. ‘s/he just doesn’t think’

I bet they manage to think before they speak at work.

This is what I can't quite reconcile in my own mind.

He doesn't enjoy hurting her at all, he's not a psychopath. But, his lack of empathy means that he can't see how his comments can and do hurt, until it's pointed out to him (and even then I'm still not sure he really gets it).

I'm not trying to make excuses for him at all, like I said, I could quite easily hurt him when he does it, but it doesn't come from malicious intent. I almost think it would be easier if it did, because it would be a conscious act, which he would know how to stop. I genuinely think he's that stupid he just doesn't get it, and/or it's the lack of empathy.

I think tonight I'm going to warn him that if he does it again, I will immediately tell him to shut up, and will comment on something he's sensitive about in public.

For the record, I'm not trying to defend him at all, I quite literally hate him for saying the things he does. But at the same time, I do know that he's not deliberately trying to hurt her...I guess he's also not deliberately making sure he doesn't either, which is a massive problem.

Omg no excuse for him to say stupid shit like that, educate him

He is just used to picking on women, isn't he?

My ex did this to one of my daughters once. I told her to tell him he was so fat he could be flipped on his side and rolled like a barrel.

Worked like a charm. After that no more personal remarks.

What war on compassion?

You can't wrap children up in cotton wool.

The OP's husband is not being nasty. He is just making thoughtless comments.

The daugher is likely to hear and see lots of things on social media and in life in general.

She will not get an eating disorder because of a thoughtless comment if she was not going to get one any way.

How about a blanket rule of no talking about food unless you're complimenting the cook.
No comments at all on bodies ever ever ever.
Perhaps it's the nuance he's fucking up one. Give him.nice clear straightforward rules and then if he breaks them in any way you can stop him.

But yes. I still remember every hurtful thing my dad said to me. Not necessarily about my weight, but parents' words carry such weight.

I have a FIL like this and his son (DH) did it once to our DD. I had to drag him out of the room and go absolutely bananas at him and warn him not to ever say one single word or comment about DDs food ever again. She was eating extremely restrictedly at that point but would always eat a big bowl of peas with her small dinner. I think once he said to her “you’re not going to eat all those are you?”…probably because he wanted to have some himself later. Well I went absolutely ballistic with him to the point that he never did it again. But for several months she cut right back on the peas and I could only very gradually increase the quantity back to what it had been.

FIL is a hopeless case though, DD would never eat in his company.

Comment's on a teenage girls weight or any female for that matter are a big no, its a big risk for an eating disorder, stupid comment and really needs to have a bit more of an understanding/insight

I imagine he doesn't comment on the eating habits / weight of his family / work colleagues Etc. Manages to "remember" for them ????

My DD thinks she's "big" , she's as size 6 and traces this back to a single comment of ex DH from over a decade ago. So , yes , a single comment can have an effect. Just as some of the worlds most successful say how a single positive comment drove thier life long passion.

The only thing I can think this is due to is does your husband have a disability, as in a learning disability or special needs in some way?

and if the answer to this is no, then he’s knows what he’s doing and acting innocent. If he does have special needs then you need to explain to your child he’s mentally disabled and can’t understand.

its one or the other, he’s special needs or he’s a c u next tues doing it on purpose.

which is it op?

It makes no difference whether his comments are thoughtless or not, my view is he doesn’t love her enough to make the effort not to do it again.

if you cannot control your dh behavior's, what about building Psychological resilience with your dd so she blocks out the comment's ?

Can people stop talking about building resilience. It's not to do with resilience, it's to do with the fact that a comment made in your safe place, your home, by someone who you love, can crush us 10x more than hearing it from a random wanker on the street.
It's highly individual - if a stranger called me fat on the street, I'd shrug it off. If a partner did... I'd be thinking about it 20 years later. Some people might be the opposite. So let's take the route of making sure she doesn't gave to hear this shit from people who are supposed to love her, yeah?
Agree with the approach of poking his sensitive areas every time he does it (in private) and vocally boosting your daughter up and disagreeing with him in front of her.
He'll get it, QUICK then.
Maybe worth doing some research online of blog posts, books, documentaries he could watch to hammer the point home?

Karen Carpenter went to New York for about a year and was treated by a psychiatrist for her Anorexia. She admitted to him that she was taking 80 to 90 laxatives a night.
Karen was also abusing thyroid medication, even though she did not suffer from any thyroid disorder. She did this to control her metabolism.
She confessed to her therapist that she used Ipecac syrup to control her weight as well — and not long after her death, over-the-counter sales of Ipecac were banned in the U.S.
Even though Karen gained about 20lbs, it wasn’t enough to save her life — she died from a heart attack in February of 1983.
Karen’s friends said she was “always psychotic about her weight.”

https://www.grunge.com/705697/disturbing-details-found-in-karen-carpenters-autopsy-report/

Get him to Google Eugenia Cooney. It's current & happening as people watch. Ask him if that's what he wants his daughter to think he thinks she should look like.

How many times has he done this and what do you do when he does it?

I think you have to go the cutting comment. You can warn him if you like- if you ever say anything like that again I will say something hurtful to you, because that is what you are doing to our daughter. You always say you meant fitness, or it was a joke or a compliment. I. Keep. Telling. You. That. What. She. Hears. Is her dad telling her wow you look spectacularly ugly today no boy will ever look at you (assuming she’s straight). You’re her dad. It is literally your job not to say anything like that to her ever. Ever. You do it again and I will make you feel like she does when you talk to her.

This. Might give him the shock he needs. My Dsis has suffered hugely over the years from comments made about her size, weight and anything she happened to be eating when she was a teenager. All from her "dad".
She's just turned 30 and still badly suffers with eating disorders. You can put a stop to this. Even if he doesn't react to visual evidence as posted above, even if he won't stop after you losing your shit with him and shouting to make it clear. You can tell him to shut up and take your child away from him each and every time he makes a comment. Is he really that fucking thick that he can't understand? If so, leave him. Your daughter is worth so much more than the damage he's not admitting he's causing to her.

"oh this from a bloke who's bald patch blinds the people walking behind him!"

Or some such.

Then see how much "I didnt mean anything by it" goes down.

Sadly you need to say the stuff to him that hurts him EVERY SINGLE TIME he says something to her, and for her to see it. And for you both to laugh and see how he fucking likes it. I give it less than a week before he suddenly stops.....

Yep.

Try getting angry with him. What a twat.

This comment made me think of the then Prince Charles when he commented that Diana was getting "chubby" It led to he becoming bulimic.