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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed off over DH's comments

102 replies

Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 19:31

My child is 15, and does competitive sport at quite a high level. She's athletic in build, but also very conscious of this, and says she feels 'big' - she's really not at all, for context around a size 8-10, and ~170-175cm tall.

The problem I have is her dad, my DH. He just doesn't really think before he speaks, and in the past two weeks alone has made comments in her earshot/to her such as "she had a massive dinner, a whole bag of rice", and referenced her "gains" (jokey conversation, but nonetheless, could be interpreted as her looking muscly, which she doesn't want, and doesn't look like that anyway - he said he was referring to her strength.)

I've asked him not to reference her weight, what she eats, nothing at all, and he says he won't...but then still does, because he just doesn't think about the impact on a 15 year old girl. I know that he doesn't think she's too big or anything like that, so it's not coming from any hidden feelings like that. He simply just doesn't think before he speaks.

So I guess AIBU to be worried by his comments, am I being too sensitive?

And if I'm not being U, how the hell do I get him to stop?

OP posts:
ThreeLeggedPug · 06/10/2023 02:01

time To read him the riot act

WetWetBottomOnTheNightBus · 06/10/2023 17:54

I'd try 'There is nothing wrong with our daughter.
You on the other hand are a cunt'
Might work.

booksandbeans · 06/10/2023 18:54

Another option might be to ask DH would he be happy if another man spoke like that about his dd. If not how is it ok for him, her father, to comment on her like he does.

DH may not realise it but she is learning from him how to be treated by men. Right now she is learning to take the insults, not be respected & to suck it up.

00100001 · 06/10/2023 18:55

...I'd start making comments about everything he eats EVERY TIME.

5128gap · 06/10/2023 19:02

I wouldn't start insulting him. Your DD will just think you're doing that because his comments to her are an insult and it makes it bigger somehow. If you can't stop him you need to neutralise him. So anything he says that could be deemed negative, counter with a positive.
'That's a big dinner'
'It's a healthy dinner. Just what she needs to stay fit and well'

airforsharon · 06/10/2023 19:19

Tell him it's her body & he doesn't get to have an opinion on it

Stupid man

MsNorris · 06/10/2023 19:26

My Dad made a comment about the size of my stomach once, it was over 35 years ago, I can still remember his exact words, exactly what I was wearing (grey body thing with those undercarriage clips) and exactly where in the house I was standing when he said it. That’s how much I have fixated on his words and it was literally 1 time. My Mum heard him and gave him an earful.

FusionChefGeoff · 06/10/2023 20:43

The difficulty is that he is just being incredibly stupid, naive, thoughtless, it's not driven by anything malicious. *
*
It won't let me re-quote this but... it's possibly worse. If your Mum, Dad, nemesis in school is a nasty piece of work and makes digs at you, there's a big chunk of you that says "they're just a dick, that's not true"

If they're normally lovely then you think "that must be true"

Loopytiles · 06/10/2023 21:25

He’s not ‘thoughtless’ when he’s been told repeatedly to stop it, and why.

pikkumyy77 · 06/10/2023 22:52

5128gap · 06/10/2023 19:02

I wouldn't start insulting him. Your DD will just think you're doing that because his comments to her are an insult and it makes it bigger somehow. If you can't stop him you need to neutralise him. So anything he says that could be deemed negative, counter with a positive.
'That's a big dinner'
'It's a healthy dinner. Just what she needs to stay fit and well'

Edited

I think kids can see through all the “health” language, they just think its a euphemism. He needs to learn to STFU first.

theresastormcoming · 06/10/2023 23:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maray1967 · 06/10/2023 23:17

Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 21:23

This is what I can't quite reconcile in my own mind.

He doesn't enjoy hurting her at all, he's not a psychopath. But, his lack of empathy means that he can't see how his comments can and do hurt, until it's pointed out to him (and even then I'm still not sure he really gets it).

I'm not trying to make excuses for him at all, like I said, I could quite easily hurt him when he does it, but it doesn't come from malicious intent. I almost think it would be easier if it did, because it would be a conscious act, which he would know how to stop. I genuinely think he's that stupid he just doesn't get it, and/or it's the lack of empathy.

I think tonight I'm going to warn him that if he does it again, I will immediately tell him to shut up, and will comment on something he's sensitive about in public.

Show quote history

Yes - say it loud and clear. ‘The next time you do that I’m going to comment on your X. Very loudly. How will you like that? ‘

BlastedPimples · 07/10/2023 01:56

Every single time I would cut him down with a harsh, "Stop talking shit. It's really boring and makes you look utterly stupid." 🔥 him.

GoldenSpangles · 07/10/2023 03:02

As soon as he says something about your daughter's eating pick up his plate and put the food in the rubbish or waste disposal. If that doesn't work, just stop cooking for him. I'm assuming here that you do most of the cooking. I'm also assuming he doesn't have the body of a Greek God so I'd be pointing out his love handles, spare tyre and poor muscle tone when he starts. He can absolutely shut up about it but he just doesn't care enough to do so. I would incentivise him.

sadsack78 · 07/10/2023 04:01

I bloody hate men trying to put women in their place for being good at sports.
Nothing puts girls off exercise like men giving them shit for being 'manly' or 'too muscly' or 'too big' as a result of playing sports, which should clearly be left to the men 🙄the whole inference being that athletic women are not natural and deeply unattractive.

He needs to pack it in. Whether he is smart enough to realize it or not, he's being a sexist pig. And above all, horrible to his daughter.

236Adf · 07/10/2023 05:43

What does his boss/colleagues/business associates/friends say when he comments on their lunches?

If he doesn’t say it with colleagues/friends then why does he say it at home? Of course he knows he knows he shouldn’t say these things. The question is why does he say it? Misogyny? Concern about the cost of food? Projecting his own issues? Thinks she’s too sporty/muscley?

Silvetmoon · 07/10/2023 05:50

This is so true, you may just not see it yet. Sorry OP.

Silvetmoon · 07/10/2023 05:51

I mean that this is true:

ColdEvenings · 05/10/2023 21:15

He's saying it OP because he wants to. You've pointed out the harm he's doing but you know what? He doesn't give a shit.

He's enjoying hurting his daughter. Why else would he do it? If you love someone, you don't want to hurt them.

Your poor daughter :(

Hibiscrubbed · 07/10/2023 09:14

Caerulea · 06/10/2023 00:19

Get him to Google Eugenia Cooney. It's current & happening as people watch. Ask him if that's what he wants his daughter to think he thinks she should look like.

Oh my god. 💔

readbooksdrinktea · 07/10/2023 09:19

Biscuitsandpizza · 05/10/2023 19:44

I have, I've spelled out the damage he could cause/is causing, but I think deep down he just doesn't get it, he can't see how a 'throwaway' comment can lead to that. So he'll apologise, but because he doesn't 'get it', it just happens again.

It makes me so angry, because I know what can happen, how one supposedly lighthearted comment can have a huge impact. I've told him this, over and over. It terrifies me tbh.

Show quote history

Then he needs to get a fucking clue. Ugh, what a thoughtless idiot. I'm battling lifelong disordered eating because of family members behaving like your husband. I'm 46. It will never go away.

SeamsLegit · 07/10/2023 09:57

Any update OP? What's the insult you have lined up for when/if he passes remarks yet again?? Is it cutting enough???

KajsaKavat · 07/10/2023 10:39

“The OP's husband is not being nasty. He is just making thoughtless comments.

The daugher is likely to hear and see lots of things on social media and in life in general.

She will not get an eating disorder because of a thoughtless comment if she was not going to get one any way.”

clearly you have spent zero time with people with eating disorders because this is the main thing they say. That parental criticism became their inner voice.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/10/2023 13:57

That parental criticism became their inner voice.

Yes, this.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2023 14:00

Is he a perfect specimen? Doubt it. Pick out one of his imperfections and throw it at him every, single time. He’ll get the message.