Pissed off over DH's comments

[Biscuitsandpizza]

My child is 15, and does competitive sport at quite a high level. She's athletic in build, but also very conscious of this, and says she feels 'big' - she's really not at all, for context around a size 8-10, and ~170-175cm tall.

The problem I have is her dad, my DH. He just doesn't really think before he speaks, and in the past two weeks alone has made comments in her earshot/to her such as "she had a massive dinner, a whole bag of rice", and referenced her "gains" (jokey conversation, but nonetheless, could be interpreted as her looking muscly, which she doesn't want, and doesn't look like that anyway - he said he was referring to her strength.)

I've asked him not to reference her weight, what she eats, nothing at all, and he says he won't...but then still does, because he just doesn't think about the impact on a 15 year old girl. I know that he doesn't think she's too big or anything like that, so it's not coming from any hidden feelings like that. He simply just doesn't think before he speaks.

So I guess AIBU to be worried by his comments, am I being too sensitive?

And if I'm not being U, how the hell do I get him to stop?

His last comment had me trying to work out how I could leave and take her with me.

The difficulty is that he is just being incredibly stupid, naive, thoughtless, it's not driven by anything malicious. But I'm not actually sure that matters, the end result could still be the same.

I appreciate all of your comments, thank you. It's reassuring that I'm not being overly dramatic or overly critical of him in this instance. I just want to punch him in the face when he says these things.

Jeez, I am so so sorry your mother was so unkind. 🌻 Understatement really.

I would lose my shit if my DH had ever done this NGL. I would literally go fucking loco and scream in his face. What a way to treat/speak about your OWN CHILD. This is LTB territory! What a c*nt!

She does notice unfortunately, and it bothers her.

You are never going to stop friends, future workmates, uni students etc making comments like that, so I would say your efforts are better aimed at teaching her disregard them than shielding her from the reality of how people talk.

People are dicks and say thoughtless and insensitive things. Kids need to learn to deal with it.

Off the cuff comments from my family lead to my ED that I still battle with now in middle age. You never forget those little comments about your weight/body/eating, they always stay with you, every single one.

He seriously needs to stop it now. Absolute cunt.

There was a documentary some years ago about a young girl who died from anorexia. At the end they asked her mother what advice she’d give to parents. She said “Never make food an issue”.

That really stayed with me. DH did make food an issue and I really had to be very careful to stop him affecting the kids.

Your DH has no idea how damaging a single remark can be. Just one “joke” can send a child down the path to a lifelong and potentially fatal eating disorder.
Get him to read some resources on EDs. Shut him down every time he starts, very very firmly. Be rude. Tell him to knock it off and a whole bag of rice is nothing for an athlete. Tell her to ignore her dad because he isn’t a sports nutritionist, he’s a clueless idiot. Take every opportunity to tell her he’s a problem and she isn’t.

What has she said about it?

I agree with this advice. You have tried being nice and it hasn’t worked. Get really nasty—make him afraid to make personal comments.

A throwaway comment by a work colleague 30 years ago saying how much I'd filled out led me down a path of starving myself and losing 3 plus stone (looking back I wasn't even overweight). 30 years on I still have disordered eating so it's not as simple as teaching resilience. As a parent your DDs father should fill her full of confidence, not knock her down. I'd be telling him to shut it!

Oh I'm sorry, that's terrible of your DH. As a formerly overweight teen it makes me furious that so many people think it's fine to comment on a young girl's weight or eating habits! My dad didn't make unkind comments luckily, but if he did it would've broken me at that age.

It sounds like you need to really lose your shit with him next time, bringing up his shortcomings/embarrassing medical conditions etc every time would also help... Teaching your daughter resilience and that her worth does NOT depend on any man or his silly little opinion is obviously important for the future, but she needs to be protected for now.

No. The world is full of terrible people who wish us harm. Our homes and families should be kind and safe. The script that we need to toughen up our children is bollocks. We need to fill them with so much love, approval and confidence that the other shit bounces off them.

Grown men policing girls bodies is disgusting, even when it's her dad. OP anything he's insecure about? Small cock, balding, big nose? I'd warn him that the next time he mentions DD's size or shape, eating or anything critical physically, he should expect the same back. And mean it.

FIL used to try it with DD, and still does it with the older cousins. I told him. Forcefully. And he's a tiny bit scared of me so there's that. Doesn't do it any more.

When he apologises he tries to say what he meant was x/y/z, but fails to realise that it doesn't matter what he thinks he meant, she'll hear what she thinks he's saying - which I completely get, she's 15. So she says I know what he meant. I do tell her (& him) he'san idiot, and doesn't think about how his words, but it's too late when they're out of his mouth.

No. The world is full of terrible people who wish us harm. Our homes and families should be kind and safe. The script that we need to toughen up our children is bollocks. We need to fill them with so much love, approval and confidence that the other shit bounces off them.

@MrsTerryPratchett That is such excellent advice beautifully put.

I'd just say "stop now" loudly and glare at him anytime he tries to make a joke. I'd send him regular articles that back up what your saying

That was an awful read, I'm sorry you spent years dealing with that. Glad you got through and realised you're perfect as you are😊

Kids don’t need to deal with their PARENTS being dicks. Yes, “people” say awful things but parents should be telling them that these awful things are not ok and not valid - not doing it themselves.
You don’t toughen children up by chipping away at their self worth and confidence.

Why is it that men who can function perfectly well in work and social scenarios just "don't get it" when it comes to parenting. And get a free pass for it.

I think more than simply telling him to 'Stop 😡' you should completely disarm his comments along the lines of 'that's not true'. The former could be construed by your daughter as the two of you talking about her and her weight behind her back, and you're telling him to stop bringing it up. In the head of someone with body image issues that could feel like 'They discuss how fat I am but mum doesn't think it should be said to my face.' And I know that's not what's going on but someone who is thinking negatively about themselves might view the situation as such.

But if you actively challenge his remarks hopefully she will also see the lack of truth in them. For example if he were to say "Jeez, that's a big dinner..." instead of saying "stop! You shouldnt say things like that" maybe try something like "don't be so ridiculous, clearly she needs the energy for her sport." Or if he says something about her thighs being big, you counter it with "what are you on? Her thighs are perfectly fine. Think you need to get yourself to Specsavers. Or, better yet, don't be commenting on people's thighs anyway, it's really weird."

Just do the same to him. Comment at each meal on his food choices, his portion sizes. Are his trousers getting a bit tight? Would he look a bit more toned and attractive, if he didn't eat those chips? Was it really a good idea to help himself to that biscuit, when he made himself a coffee?

I think he will end up getting the point....

Why is it that men who can function perfectly well in work and social scenarios just "don't get it" when it comes to parenting. And get a free pass for it.
This. Exactly this.
He needs to stfu before he causes lasting damage.

I really think that if someone is going to get an eating disorder, they will get one.

My mother used to call me fatty when I was a teenager (I am short (just over 5 foot) and weighed around just over 7 stone a the time so I don't think I was particularly fat) but it did not give me an eating disorder. I just ignored her.

I do tell her (& him) he'san idiot, and doesn't think about how his words, but it's too late when they're out of his mouth.

I’d tell him that if does it again you’ll call him an thick idiot in front of dd.

My dh has similar form for thoughtless comments so I started going for the jugular with comments about him every single time. He stopped pretty sharpish

Bully for you. The really terrifying number of adolescents, both male and female, with eating disorders thank you for your service in the war on compassion you are waging.