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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry that my abusive ex is becoming a police officer

100 replies

glossypeach · 04/10/2023 21:32

I just feel so on edge and agitated since I found this out. He abused me the entire time we were together, I accidentally fell pregnant and left as soon as I found out to protect the both of us. The abuse got worse where he made multiple threats on my life where I had to go to the police my entire pregnancy. He never got convicted and only got a ‘caution’, but that’s obviously common as abusers very rarely get brought to justice.

Anyway, I have to ‘co parent’ with him. Out of the blue I get a message stating he is going through training to work for the police. I just feel so stressed that a person like him is allowed to. Not only did he abuse me, but he has had run ins with the law for harming his own sister, drugs, fighting, stealing. The list goes on. I’m just severely afraid that he could get nasty again in the future where I’d feel for my safety again yet I’d go to the police and they wouldn’t protect me because they’d rather protect their own.

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 04/10/2023 22:05

Report it via Safecall

www.safecall.co.uk/en/

Like others I can't see how he would pass the vetting in the current climate

bemorebernard · 04/10/2023 22:09

How long ago was the caution

It will all come out in vetting and forces do it tolerate lying or omissions . The vetting process is rigorous

Mayhemmumma · 04/10/2023 22:17

I unfortunately feel he'll fit right in to the police force.

VestaTilley · 04/10/2023 22:25

YANBU. Report him. Anonymously if needs be - or to the police and crime commissioner. They’re supposed to be clamping down on this!!

Dustpantsandbush · 04/10/2023 22:33

my DH is an officer and one of his colleagues nearly got the boot after it came to light that he had done something stupid as an 18 year old (fake threatening calls to his mates place of work, they used to prank eachother) he had been interviewed by the police and cautioned at the time. He was put on a behaviour plan in the end remained on the force but he very nearly was sacked for it even though it has happened 10+ years previously. Definitely report this OP someone in vetting needs to dig deeper on your ex.

Fiddlesticks25 · 04/10/2023 22:37

Report it via 111

runwithme · 04/10/2023 22:43

Dustpantsandbush · 04/10/2023 22:33

my DH is an officer and one of his colleagues nearly got the boot after it came to light that he had done something stupid as an 18 year old (fake threatening calls to his mates place of work, they used to prank eachother) he had been interviewed by the police and cautioned at the time. He was put on a behaviour plan in the end remained on the force but he very nearly was sacked for it even though it has happened 10+ years previously. Definitely report this OP someone in vetting needs to dig deeper on your ex.

It's more likely that he was dishonest in not declaring the offence, rather than the offence itself. OPs situation is different as the offence is violent. When applicants are vetted It's normal to see low level offending, but they are asked to declare if they've ever come to police notice. If it comes to light later on that they've lied, then that is a bigger problem than the offence itself.

runwithme · 04/10/2023 22:44

glossypeach · 04/10/2023 21:32

I just feel so on edge and agitated since I found this out. He abused me the entire time we were together, I accidentally fell pregnant and left as soon as I found out to protect the both of us. The abuse got worse where he made multiple threats on my life where I had to go to the police my entire pregnancy. He never got convicted and only got a ‘caution’, but that’s obviously common as abusers very rarely get brought to justice.

Anyway, I have to ‘co parent’ with him. Out of the blue I get a message stating he is going through training to work for the police. I just feel so stressed that a person like him is allowed to. Not only did he abuse me, but he has had run ins with the law for harming his own sister, drugs, fighting, stealing. The list goes on. I’m just severely afraid that he could get nasty again in the future where I’d feel for my safety again yet I’d go to the police and they wouldn’t protect me because they’d rather protect their own.

Definitely report this. He shouldn't pass vetting, whether it's for police or police staff.

beAsensible1 · 04/10/2023 22:47

Police are often full of abusers, they act as a massive gang and cover each others backs and crimes.

of course he’s ended up there. Sorry to you OP stay far away as you can and I’d get a ring camera for the front door.

he’s a pos

allotmentgardener · 04/10/2023 22:48

Report anonymously on crime stoppers or go direct to the force. Hard working honest cops don't want arseoles in the service.

Whapples · 04/10/2023 23:02

He certainly wouldn’t be able to be a police officer. I’ve known a lot of police officers and I know there’s no way someone with a significant criminal record would be allowed on the force (eg anything that involved drugs, assault etc). Hell, about 7 years ago, a relative applied and got rejected bc they had a recent fine for driving while on the phone. I know for a fact that was the only issue and he was told he could reapply 3 years after the fine!

Takeabreather23 · 04/10/2023 23:04

Could you contact your local councillor .
Dont mention to your ex or react to anything else he says .
Simply say “oh that’s nice”

Hes not declared this info. I’d make it my job if I was you .

bemorebernard · 04/10/2023 23:11

beAsensible1 · 04/10/2023 22:47

Police are often full of abusers, they act as a massive gang and cover each others backs and crimes.

of course he’s ended up there. Sorry to you OP stay far away as you can and I’d get a ring camera for the front door.

he’s a pos

This just isn't true . Hate to rain on anyone's parade but it's not .

bemorebernard · 04/10/2023 23:14

Of all the hoops you jump through to join the police vetting is one of the last but the moment they see a caution for domestic abuse the application will be questioned.

The vetting process is really thorough. More so now since recent events .

beAsensible1 · 04/10/2023 23:39

That’s why Wayne couzens was pulling out his Willy and harassing colleagues to no consequences? Or officers were sharing pics of Nicole and bibaa Henry when the refuse to even search for them?

or countless other instance where they’ve covered each others backs.

full of bad apples.

MissingMoominMamma · 05/10/2023 00:03

After the Wayne Couzens case (and others), there has been a review of the recruitment process. I work in one of the stages of recruitment.

bemorebernard · 05/10/2023 00:24

Why dont we knock every nurse now after Lucy Letby ?

Or every doctor after Harold shipman ?

Wayne couzins is as rare .

bemorebernard · 05/10/2023 00:25

Sorry typo couzens .

Findyourneutralspace · 05/10/2023 00:32

I’ve been through police vetting. It can take months. He may have passed the early stages of the application process but I’d be amazed if he passes vetting with a DV caution and multiple call-outs.
Of it puts your mind at ease you can call 101 and they should be able to point you in the right direction but I agree with PPs advice not to rise to it with your ex.

icannotsay · 05/10/2023 00:40

Ex police officer
He's lying or he's becoming a civilian in the job
Either way I'd still make a phone call.
They very rarely stick up for their own and there's a huge amount of whistle blowing goes on. However there's still a lot of 'bent' coopers and racism, sexism etc... in more than any job I've been in.
I know this as my ex is still a copper.. it beggars belief!.
Vetting is always first. I had to disassociate myself from family member to be accepted. He wouldn't even get paper sifted if he had any of this background.

icannotsay · 05/10/2023 00:43

bemorebernard · 04/10/2023 23:11

This just isn't true . Hate to rain on anyone's parade but it's not .

Show quote history

I agree.
They whistle blowing at the slightest thing. Did when I was inanyways.
Most carry cameras now and big brother is watching every where.
Harsher sentences if u commit crimes as a pc too..

Thementalloadisreal · 05/10/2023 01:03

It’s worth reporting, even just the fact that the person they’re training to be a police officer has straight away gone and told the woman he abused, and has a police caution from, to make a thinly veiled threatening point about it!! Clearly not a changed man.

bemorebernard · 05/10/2023 01:30

I'm seriously doubting he'd even get through with a caution for dv but op could report anyway

happygertie · 05/10/2023 01:59

Contact the force and report your concerns. They should have professional standards department

Chersfrozenface · 05/10/2023 03:15

icannotsay · 05/10/2023 00:43

I agree.
They whistle blowing at the slightest thing. Did when I was inanyways.
Most carry cameras now and big brother is watching every where.
Harsher sentences if u commit crimes as a pc too..

Show quote history

Hm...

Police officers widely misusing body-worn cameras
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66809642.amp

A Metropolitan Police officer's Body Worn Video (BWV) camera worn on their chest

Police officers widely misusing body-worn cameras

It was hoped video would increase transparency in policing, but BBC has uncovered 150 reports of failings.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-66809642.amp