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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be angry that my abusive ex is becoming a police officer

100 replies

glossypeach · 04/10/2023 21:32

I just feel so on edge and agitated since I found this out. He abused me the entire time we were together, I accidentally fell pregnant and left as soon as I found out to protect the both of us. The abuse got worse where he made multiple threats on my life where I had to go to the police my entire pregnancy. He never got convicted and only got a ‘caution’, but that’s obviously common as abusers very rarely get brought to justice.

Anyway, I have to ‘co parent’ with him. Out of the blue I get a message stating he is going through training to work for the police. I just feel so stressed that a person like him is allowed to. Not only did he abuse me, but he has had run ins with the law for harming his own sister, drugs, fighting, stealing. The list goes on. I’m just severely afraid that he could get nasty again in the future where I’d feel for my safety again yet I’d go to the police and they wouldn’t protect me because they’d rather protect their own.

OP posts:
Octobermeterreadtime · 04/10/2023 21:34

Has he form for lying by any chance op.?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/10/2023 21:35

How has he got through vetting with a caution for threats to you? I am surprised that he would be considered suitable.

Are you sure he is telling the truth?

Hermittrismegistus · 04/10/2023 21:36

Sounds like he's lying to you.

WandaWonder · 04/10/2023 21:37

How is this legally possible?

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/10/2023 21:38

He certainly can't have passed a real background check?

Chichix · 04/10/2023 21:39

He's lying

AthenaPopodopolous · 04/10/2023 21:40

Unpopular opinion but people can change for the better. Very very surprised though that he passed checks given the huge media coverage of stories like Sarah Everard being kidnapped, abused and killed by Wayne Couzens, a serving police officer.
If it makes you feel better what about writing directly to the police commissioner or someone senior in the force? Explain your concerns.
Whats your relationship like now with him? Has he matured and been a stable father?

HuckleberryJam · 04/10/2023 21:40

I watched a programme about Wayne couzens where they said that in the past vetting for police was quite intrusive, speaking to family etc, but that due to cuts there aren't the same checks now so people are able to get through who shouldn't be.

Divebar2021 · 04/10/2023 21:41

What force is this? I’d be stunned if he was actually training as a police officer. ( you said training to work with the police). Things in the Met are very hyper sensitive in this area ( given events over the last 12 months). I’d call the force involved actually and flag it up…. Whatever their internal complaints department is.

Original poster
glossypeach · 04/10/2023 21:41

I would have thought he was lying but he sent me screenshots of his emails to prove it, I assume. And quite honestly, he’s really not that smart to be able to fake proof. I have no knowledge on the process of becoming part of the police force, but surely it’s very strict with who they allow, especially as they have access to their own database?!

OP posts:
PurpleMonkeys · 04/10/2023 21:42

There should be some channel to report your concerns.
Child services or directly to the cops or something, surely?

Divebar2021 · 04/10/2023 21:42

People can change for the better yes but they shouldn’t be allowed to be police officers with multiple complaints against them for DA and a caution.

DontGiveMeThatOldCrap · 04/10/2023 21:43

Report the bastard. The police force can do without scumbags like that

Electrictache · 04/10/2023 21:44

I would also find out who to report your concerns to. It's really worrying (but not surprising) that a man like this wants to join the police.

I knew someone once who joined up and we knew some awful information about him that did get reported as he was silly enough to ask for a reference. I don't actually know what happened but I'd be horrified if he actually got through vetting and training.

bellac11 · 04/10/2023 21:46

HuckleberryJam · 04/10/2023 21:40

I watched a programme about Wayne couzens where they said that in the past vetting for police was quite intrusive, speaking to family etc, but that due to cuts there aren't the same checks now so people are able to get through who shouldn't be.

They dont need to be intrusive or speak to family in this case, he has a caution on record.

Divebar2021 · 04/10/2023 21:48

https://www.met.police.uk/fo/feedback/complaints/complaints/

OP just in case it’s the Met this link might help.

itwasdifferentinthe90s · 04/10/2023 21:48

Report it to the police complaints for whatever police force area he is in

CherryMaDeara · 04/10/2023 21:49

Contact his police force and tell them. The cunt shouldn’t be allowed or should be under constant review.

Idrankyourbananamilk · 04/10/2023 21:49

From what @MidnightOnceMore has posted it seems he wouldn’t get through the vetting. I’ll bet it’s another ploy to instil fear and control you.

greyandwindy · 04/10/2023 21:52

I've just submitted my police vetting and it is made very clear that any cautions/convictions or even intelligence on the system re allegations of domestic abuse are pretty much a blanket rejection.
You are not vetted until you've been successful in everything else as its the last thing to be done so just because he has emails suggesting he's been successful it will be on the condition of satisfactory vetting checks.

I'd be surprised if he passed the vetting and if he did you should write to the chief constable for the force stating your concerns.

jmh740 · 04/10/2023 21:53

My ex had a caution for abuse and couldn't get through the police vetting process, (apparently he still blames me!) So I doubt he is being honest with you.

m00rfarm · 04/10/2023 21:56

Is he becoming a police officer or working for the police. They are very different things.

maddening · 04/10/2023 21:58

Whistleblow on the fucker.- he should not be a police man

StopLickingTheDog · 04/10/2023 22:01

Vetting is usually the last stage of the recruitment process. He could well pass the application form, interview, assessment, physical and medical stages and not get past the vetting.