To think that you can't mask impulsivity or hyperactivity

[MamiRita]

Just that really. I keep hearing about 'masking' in the context of conversations about children with suspected ADHD, I thought this was mainly a characteristic of autism? Someone masking by mirroring conversations or trying to predict what people were about to say, or suppressing stemming.
Someone I know who's child was not diagnosed by an nhs psychiatrist, was outraged as they said that the child couldn't mask symptoms of ADHD, which is true isn't it? If you mask or suppress an urge to do something then isn't that what everyone does, and therefore you're not impulsive as you've made a decision. I suppress urges to talk about highly inappropriate things or get distracted by MN at work or buy flights to Paris with my last £200. It's really hard but I suppress these things.
For what it's worth I have a child with suspected ADHD but I feel I would be fine if they didn't diagnose her. Why wouldn't I be?
Her struggles at school won't be solved by a diagnosis. It's an EHCP which would help with that in terms of possibly giving a 1:1 or extra time in exams. The person I know is distraught at the lack of diagnosis and is obviously now perusing private clinics.
How could a child mask distraction or inattentiveness? It's obvious for my daughter as she doesn't know what's she's learnt and can't keep up. How could that be masked?

Well, I've been doing my best to pass for a functioning human being for 50 years. It doesn't always work - and maybe a diagnosis would have meant I achieved more things and benefitted from legal protections/adjustments?

For what it's worth I have a child with suspected ADHD but I feel I would be fine if they didn't diagnose her. Why wouldn't I be? Her struggles at school won't be solved by a diagnosis.

If a child has a diagnosis it is far easier to put targeted support in place and devise a programme of interventions. We have a child in school whose parents are not seeking a diagnosis despite the child hugely struggling and it's awful, we cannot support her properly as the parents won't allow her to access any of the intervention programmes we have. It's all going to blow up eventually and meanwhile, at the centre of it, is a child who is not getting what they need in order to thrive in school.

@NeverDropYourMooncup but when you say it doesn't always work what does that mean? I mean we all present some sort of illusion to the world. I am terrible with finances, constantly in debt, I don't tell my work colleagues this and I do hide it through trying to avoid paying for things infront of people incase my card gets declined.
I'm also shit at organisation which has meant a lot of jobs haven't worked out for me. That's not masking, that's life. How awful would the world be if we kept people in jobs that they were bad at just because they had ADHD? Not just for the employer but the employees! I found work that I'm a lot better suited to because of losing those jobs.

I am not very familiar with adhd but I do know a bit about masking.

Sometimes its about the effort involved. So I dont have adhd and i can just think 'dont say that" and i dont say it. A person with adhd might be putting every ounce of effort into suppressing saying anything so they dont blurt out stuff, then get totally exhuasted by it. Same with supressing figeting, which isnt much different than supressing stimming.

Im not sure about distraction and inattentive stuff. I think it could be easy to learn strategies to hide it.

The NICE guidelines state that symptoms must be present in at least 2 important places, and cause moderate to severe psychological, social and/or educational or occupational impairment. Masking these symptoms would take extreme effort and be noticeable.

I have ADHD, so does my daughter. ADHD/ADD are related to autism and many people have both. The symptoms can present very similarly.

Both of us are academically bright. So that masks some of it: the attention deficit bit means a tendency to zone out. To "daydream" or miss things. If you're bright you can usually catch that missed information up and people might just think you missed the point or mostly they do not remotely notice. That's making. You pretend you didn't zone out.

There's a lot of anxiety and "rejection sensitive dysphoria" is common. Again, a lot of people front that out and pretend they're fine when they aren't.

I fidget my legs in meetings and have to consciously put my hands under my legs or do things to stop myself as I worry people will stare/get annoyed/tell me off (there's the rejection dysphoria again)

Oh an yes, I know I blurt things out and interrupt conversation. It's all done with the best of intentions of helping/empathy/joining in but I know I annoy people and I really have to focus on the conversation anyway as I can lose track and zone out so if I don't get out what's in my head I'll possibly not keep up or miss something.

It's hard work, particularly with colleagues who I am obviously not friends who'll understand and not judge, but need to work with daily and still maintain those good working relationships. I go home mentally exhausted if I have had a big meeting.

Sorry to hijack the thread but I have a question about RSD which I have recently read about online. My young adult daughter does not have adhd or ASD.

She does however get anxious and worry what others think of her a lot. She interprets stuff as other people disliking her very easily and feels bad about herself. How is that different to RSD? Genuine question btw.

@Bovrilla but isn't that just personality? I interrupt and blurt stuff out. It feels almost physically painful to me to hold stuff. I usually time myself so if I say something I'll wait until five more people have spoken and then I'll 'allow' myself to talk again. That's just being talkative and enthusiastic? It's not a 'trait'.
This is my problem with the whole thing is that no one knows anyone else's thought processes. You can imagine how NT people think but you won't know for sure. Impulsivity is the 'act' of acting impulsively without much thought of the consequences, surely if you don't do that then you're not impulsive!

It is possible for children with ADHD to fall through the net at school if they have inattentive type opposed to combined or hyperactive especially if they are accidemically bright as that tends to mask the ADHD because people think ADHD equals hyperactive destructive kid. They could just be sat there day dreaming and struggling but be accidemically capable enough to some how pull their work out of the bag, which is basically how I bundled my way through school.

As someone with ADHD I disagree with what you said about a diagnosis not helping at school. Accomodations can be put in place and the extra time in exams thing is important. Also it gives a child an understanding of who they are and why they are struggling, many undiagnosed ADHD children end up with mental health issues in secondary school. Also a diagnosis opens up the door for medication which you might not want a child to take but a teenager might want to and it can make a big difference if they did want to.

I can't speak for anyone else, but the 'tell' that I've been masking is that I'm absolutely physically and emotionally wiped out afterwards.

@TibetanTerrah but how do you know everyone doesn't feel like that? I'm permanently exhausted

I've had 2 children go through the diagnostic process and, following the interviews, I could see many traits in myself but I could also see where the differences were that meant I just had a normal level of inattention.

I think DS "masked" his by being bright enough that the inattentiveness was not a problem and doing a lot of physical exercise during break times as an outlet. When he was expected to live independently at Uni and organise his own life and his physical coping options were taken away through lockdown he fell apart and it all became much more apparent. He very obviously had traits of it throughout his life though.

Impulsivity is just that, Impulsive - done without forethought. If it can be controlled by stopping to think first and decide not to, then it's not impulsivity.

I don't know everyone else doesn't feel like that.

I do know that due to WFH and where I live, there are longish periods where I don't see or interact with anyone. But there are also different periods where I have to be 'on' and in front of people.

'On' is what I can only describe as not 'me'. It's not the same as putting on a work facade or whatever, I have to work really hard just to come across as having the social basics. So I fit in and do what (I think) people expect.

So two weeks speaking to no one except family. And a week interacting with people. The work itself, and my day to day, is the same, so wouldn't account for the exhaustion but for the extreme mental acrobatics I have to do all day long when masking.

We have a very large number of children with SEN in schools right now and there's not much resource to help them.

Diagnoses are important to help the child understand themselves and find appropriate coping strategies and (frankly) a child with a diagnosis is more likely to get support, because it's not just "Xs parent says..."

My DH (undiagnosed) and my DD (diagnosed with ADHD and ASD) both mask and it is very obvious, to me at least, when they are doing it. It wipes DH out. He's always felt "different" but has consciously or unconsciously sought out environments with lots of other people like him.

I don't think there's a right or a wrong way but if someone (child or adult) tells you something's difficult for them, believe them.

Of course you can mask with ADHD. it's what we do, and it's not always a conscious choice. It's a result of having to deal with living in a society that isn't made for us. Imagine how less exhausted you would be if you didn't have to monitor yourself and second guess every single interaction to stop yourself interrupting, and to force yourself to pay attention, and to maintain appropriate eye contact. The older you get, the harder it is to do but society isn't any kinder to adhd adults, in fact you don't get the excuse of being a child when you blurt stuff out. If you're permanently exhausted it could be because you're ND trying to exist in a world that wants you to be NT.

Adhd children are taught from an early age not to appear different or they will stand out too much. That continues into adulthood.

Forcing yourself to conform to social norms, such as trying to control impulsivity, and sometimes succeeding in doing so, isn't a sign you don't have adhd. The fact you have to think about it at all suggests that maybe you do have it. No neurotypicals i know have to give any thought to it whatsoever. What about all those times you didn't manage to control the impulsivity and said or did something insensitive?

If your child is suspected adhd, you probably are too. It's hereditary.

How could a child mask distraction or inattentiveness? It's obvious for my daughter as she doesn't know what's she's learnt and can't keep up. How could that be masked?

Because adhd isn't just one thing. It affects every single aspect of, certainly my life, in ways that i don't even understand and i was diagnosed nearly a year ago. Masking can apply to lots of different situations in different ways.

ADD magazine website is a good place to start for accessible info about adhd.

@MamiRita I’m sorry if I’ve missed it (I did quickly reread your OP) but do you have an ADHD diagnosis? Because you sound very much like you have it from your posts - speaking as someone who does have it. You’ve asked several times whether everyone doesn’t experience the issues that come with ADHD and the answer is simply no. Eg it’s not common to feel physically uncomfortable not blurting something out!

The best I can describe is when I was on medication that worked for the first time and I realised there is a sort of inner calm that I had NEVER experienced. My behaviours through life have all been adjusted to make things work for me, and minimise the ways my (undiagnosed) ADHD caused me difficulties.

I just don't see how a child can be inattentive and zoned out in all lessons yet get good grades. Maybe something like English lit or art but no one intuitively knows Pythagoras theory or the elements. They must have absorbed most of the lessons or study intensively outside of lessons to do well in those sort of subjects.

I think an appropriate diagnosis is very important.
DC has been diagnosed as ND since 4. His father is undiagnosed. DC is aware he has differences and is a very happy person. His father struggles in nearly every aspect of his life but firmly believes he is fine and the problem is with everyone else. He is a very angry, deeply unhappy person.

Masking is definitely a thing, but I don’t think you can mask ADHD impulsivity consistently. The inattentiveness can definitely be overlooked though.

Impulsivity, in my eyes, is a really strong urge to do or say something, and you can learn to control it. It requires so much effort, though

Here is a small example. We recently bought some things for our kittens from a second-hand seller. It was kind of obvious that something had happened to their kitten. The kids (both have Adhd) and I discussed beforehand not asking the seller what happened to the kitten because it is none of our business and it could be painful for the owner. My kids managed well but man I had the worst time clamping down on my tongue. It just hovered at the forefront of my mind during the whole transaction.

Sometimes the impulses are so overwhelming that I have had to develop multiple strategies. Eg: shopping. I can see something on a good special that my kids may or may not like, so I keep it in my basket til the end of shopping until the impulse to buy it straight away fades, and generally put the item back.

The amount of times I wished I had been able to control myself better, though...

I'm just not sure if children do mask in the same way we think we do. Especially in this age. My children grew up in a very creative and liberal environment. It is very common to see boys in dresses and women driving trucks, single parents (like me) everywhere, lots of very 'child led/ unschooling' type principles. I got told off for telling a child not to throw rocks once as if I was some sort of nazi for not embracing his freedom to express himself through destruction! I don't think my kids would know to mask. They don't have that idea of social norms. They went to alternative forest school type preschools. And my DD's problems with concentration and anxiety was brought up at preschool. She had spent 5 years having no understanding of expectations in terms of societal norms and formal education. Why would she mask?

@Whenwillglorioussummercome no I don't. It wasn't apparent in school and despite loathing certain subjects, with extra help I was able to get passes at GCSE. I could concentrate if I really knew I had to. Whilst my friends with ADHD couldn't concentrate on something that didn't interest them even if they tried. My dd could not ever apply herself to something that she found dull. She just couldn't do it.

I agree with you.

I think for ADHD combined type, or ADHD Predominantly Hyperactive Presentation, a child couldn't mask this especially when very young. It would be obvious, but people might mistake the behaviour for naughtiness, lack of boundaries or just being a boisterous child.

But for ADHD predominantly inattentive type it would be possible to slip under the radar and be missed. Probably less to do with the child masking, and more to do with people not noticing because the child isn't causing a problem.