To think that you can't mask impulsivity or hyperactivity

[MamiRita]

Just that really. I keep hearing about 'masking' in the context of conversations about children with suspected ADHD, I thought this was mainly a characteristic of autism? Someone masking by mirroring conversations or trying to predict what people were about to say, or suppressing stemming.
Someone I know who's child was not diagnosed by an nhs psychiatrist, was outraged as they said that the child couldn't mask symptoms of ADHD, which is true isn't it? If you mask or suppress an urge to do something then isn't that what everyone does, and therefore you're not impulsive as you've made a decision. I suppress urges to talk about highly inappropriate things or get distracted by MN at work or buy flights to Paris with my last £200. It's really hard but I suppress these things.
For what it's worth I have a child with suspected ADHD but I feel I would be fine if they didn't diagnose her. Why wouldn't I be?
Her struggles at school won't be solved by a diagnosis. It's an EHCP which would help with that in terms of possibly giving a 1:1 or extra time in exams. The person I know is distraught at the lack of diagnosis and is obviously now perusing private clinics.
How could a child mask distraction or inattentiveness? It's obvious for my daughter as she doesn't know what's she's learnt and can't keep up. How could that be masked?

Before anyone starts it's not ableist to say that I don't have adhd. It's more ableist to say that as a privileged, white woman who has a degree and my own house that I have struggled with anything in my life that wasn't of my own making

Our daughter (14) was diagnosed with combined type this year after years of trying to get her primary school to believe us. She'd mask and then melt down at home. She doesn't mask at school now so was getting into trouble for bein inattentive and fidgeting until we finally got the diagnosis and she's being taken more seriously. Her meds help too and her grades are improving.

I'm not overly keen on her having extra time as she will procrastinate more

I'm not entirely sure what you're actually asking.

I am also a middle aged woman in a professional job and no diagnosis. I'm pretty sure I have adhd, but cba to pursue a diagnosis because most of the time I sort of cope and sorting things out for my kids is higher priority.

To focus on kids my DS has ADHD and in his assessment they reckoned he was in the top 2% of IQ. This is how he succeeds. He grasps concepts quickly, his brain joins dots and puts things together well. He performs well in tests because he responds to the adrenaline and dopamine. You know what he's shit at? Essays and prolonged tasks like that rather than maths worksheets and multiple choice. He's y7 now. I suspect he will struggle as more of those kind of tasks come up, but maths and science are so easy for him. He doesn't have to work at them, never has, always been top of the class without trying. This is how he coped despite fidgeting and inattention.

I also suspect your understanding of what's normal for adults is only what's normal for you, not what's NT. You're looking at things from a different vantage point and not realising that not everybody functions like we do.

I definitely have adhd and occasionally spend impulsively but I'm not in debt because I get more of a dopamine hit from saving money than I do from spending. The biggest symptom for me is the hyperactivity which manifests as a sort of internal motor that drives me to keep going even when I'm exhausted in order to complete a hyperfocus task. It's so bad it affects my physical health and when I'm too ill to 'answer' that internal motor it makes me cry and want to scream with this overwhelming urge to move and DO something. My legs get restless, I feel sick, I pick at my skin or pinch and hurt myself to try and get physical input.

Yes, my son is so different on medication. He is home educated now and can sit and work with his tutor for an hour and a bit and be still and concentrate for the lesson- he still couldn’t manage a school day but I’m hopeful that by high school he will ( we are lucky to have locally and be able to afford a very small private school with good sen provision).

His qb scores for hyperactivity go from off the charts to literally 3, but the attention element hasn’t improved nearly as much.

Which medication do your children have if you don’t mind my asking?

Omg @TibetanTerrah "the dopamine fix of being in control"
I have never ever thought of it like that before!!! You have literally made a light bulb go off in my brain.

Mine is on Medikinet

Our brains were made to gather berries ffs, is it any wonder we can't have jobs, have healthy relationships, be present parents, go to the gym, friendships, give back to the community and read all the novels/ watch all the documentaries we're supposed to?

Whilst I think you are minimising your own difficulties but tbf who wants or needs diagnosing via Internet experts, so I'm sorry for contributing to that. But I do often think about what you have mentioned above, plus the constant stress of negative information, it's no wonder so many of us are crumpling. I suspect this is part of the uptick in diagnoses, if you anything less than 100%, then modern life is hard.

I'm another that suspects your idea of what is normal isn't really that normal. You do sound like there are traits of ADHD.

I don't have ADHD (AFAIK), but my sister does and her son does too. They've been formally diagnosed.

My life muddles along pretty well. I do my job well but yeah I zone out sometimes when I'm bored a bit. I don't find it hard to manage money, or reply to letters/emails, pay bills on time - its annoying having to do these little jobs, but I can jot it on a list and manage to tick them off easily. I don't have a scattered life where I forget lots of things or feel overwhelmed tasks that seem easy to other families. I spend on treats and splurge sometimes, but I ensure I save too. I know the routine for each day to ensure the kids and myself are out the house on time with all the right equipment. I meal plan for the week. Its a bit of a drudge to organise it all, but I do it and its simple enough.

Whereas my sister has barely any food in the house. Has bills piled up on the side and forgets/can't organise herself to pay them on time. Has no savings as she spends impulsively. Often in debt. Regularly late for things. Has a hard time remembering and organising herself and the kids so they have the right uniform ready and bags packed with the right school kit. Regularly has to 'catch up' with mounds of washing as she finds it hard to get into a routine of doing washing here and there to prevent her being forced to spend an entire weekend catching up. She impulsively decides to re-decorate a room of her house and has to do it that day... she then often fails to do the final part of the redecoration so jobs end up being left half-done for years on end (e.g., redecorated the whole bathroom in one day, and bleached the life out of everything... then simply couldn't bring herself to put the bath panel back on and it lived in her hall for months!).

The interesting thing here is that my sister just came across as a bit daydreamy at school (inattentive I guess). No one would have thought there was hyperactivity or impulsiveness at play at all. If anything she was a 'a bit lazy' and would need to sleep a LOT when home from school as the school day seemed to completely drain her. As she got older the other ADHD traits became more noticeable, particularly when she moved out and was responsible for running a home and caring for a family and all the organisation that comes with that.

@BookSuperWorm that's me!

I have a million half done projects/hobbies which then overwhelm me with their half done-ness so I do nothing about them, obviously. Then I get overwhelmed with mess, start sorting it out and get the paralysis and end up sitting in the mess either ignoring it or crying at my inability to do things

I try lists, notebooks, bullet journal etc and they all sounds like they might be the fix but nope, my brain raves at a million miles an hour and focuses on the "wrong" things and I have had to work out my fixes and get arounds and life things (I online shop for groceries but have to do so a good few days ahead as I will miss loads off my list, for example).

My brain cannot be quiet. When I do sit down I am consumed with guilt and cannot relax. I spend my life questioning everything and worrying.

@BookSuperWorm that does sound like me tbf

She impulsively decides to re-decorate a room of her house and has to do it that day... she then often fails to do the final part of the redecoration so jobs end up being left half-done for years on end (e.g., redecorated the whole bathroom in one day, and bleached the life out of everything... then simply couldn't bring herself to put the bath panel back on and it lived in her hall for months!).

This is SO me. I get hyperfocused on a big job, and then completely run out of steam for the last 10% (or 1%) and never finish

@BookSuperWorm that's interesting about your sister (also great user name 👍).

I believe my sister has some undiagnosed additional needs (more in the ASD line than ADHD). She also "passed" at school but having kids really made her difficulties obvious.

I couldn't really understand what was going on till I had a child with additional needs and I had a light bulb moment.

I feel for you, as I can see how much my sis struggles with it.

Our parents are kind of new to this whole area and whilst they are educating themselves proactively (particularly as my nephew's struggle is much more pronounced and they want to help support him) they still sometimes fall into the "just pull up your big girl pants and sort it out" mantra. Sadly, my sis can't just 'sort it out' in the same way as NT people might easily do. I guess its about finding strategies that work for you personally rather than expecting to organise your life in the so called normal way. A LOT of Alexa prompts and reminders have begun to help my sis (which we helped set up as she never got around to it 😂)

My partner has ADHD and autism. Our 9yr old son has also been diagnosed with both. It only took about 15/20 minutes of the specialist watching him power sliding around the consulting room on his knees and trying to disassemble the bed in there whilst talking non-stop about Pokemon for him to get the ADHD diagnosis!

My daughter is almost 12 and we have suspected since she was 3 that she might have ADHD. Her pre-school teacher was the first person to raise concerns around her impulsivity and inattention and it was also painfully obvious at things like Gym Bubbas and other group activities where she was expcted to sit still/pay attention to adults. We arranged a developmental review with our HV who assured us she was just very bright and there were probably no concerns about her having additional needs. Then when she started school the same concerns were raised by her teachers. However, when she finally got an appointment to be assessed for ADHD she sat very quietly and answered all the doctors questions and again they said they didn't think she had ADHD. She is always very quiet (sullen in fact) in clinical settings, she absolutely hates havnig to go to medical appointments. She's now about to turn 12, has started secondary school and is massively struggling. Her Yr6 teacher from last year strongly urged me to get her re-assessed as she had serious concerns about her learning behaviours and with her ability to cope with the transition to secondary school. Her impulsive behaviour has been off the scale over the past 6 months, we've had to call the police when she and a friend went missing after deciding to go walk-about without asking or telling anyone. She jumped into a river fully dressed in her brand new school uniform and shoes the other day because her friend dropped something into the river and she went to retrieve it! When I've read lists of symptoms of ADHD in girls she ticks literally every single box, yet still no diagnosis and she is really, really struggling with her new school.

@BookSuperWorm I agree re. perception of what is/isn't 'normal'.

I have no diagnosis but ADHD would explain much about my life.

My life is very chaotic and always has been, many years ago I met someone who's just like me and now we live in layers of chaos.

We both also have responsible jobs and would both be considered reliable people. We have social lives, hobbies and families. and no one would guess how chaotic our lives are.

I guess that's masking of some sort

The fact that your daughter is looking at diagnosis, there is a possibility you, yourself are neurodivergent, it is viewed to be hereditary.

This could also be a reason why you see this as normal. In your world and your mind, it is. That is what you do, and it sounds a lot like masking. NT people don't have to count people to stop themselves interrupting. NT don't need to check themselves in this way.

That sounds familiar...
That's how I set the desk on fire.
I was thinking about how I really needed to concentrate hard because the science teacher was supervising my DoE group at the weekend and I wanted her to be in her good books. Whoops.

Yes, I remember what I was thinking about that lesson in April 1996.
I have also remembered how not to heat ethanol, and how to test to see if starch is produced by photosynthesis by using a variagated leaf.
I got an A in that branch of science. I have not needed that knowledge this century.

DS1 has a diagnosis of autism and masks his way through school.
DS2 is very disconcertingly like me... it's very difficult to raise concerns about an inattentive, very intelligent (dyslexia diagnosis, not just mummy goggles) child seriously when the overall effect is of an average child looking a bit lax around the edges.

Oh, and I flunked my GCSE y10 coursework. It turns out that you can't actually do it all within 48 hours, and they do actually give 2 months for a reason. One year later, I got through it with colour coded, hyperlinked spreadsheets so I could work out what I was doing when picking it up again, rather than trying to do it in a single blitz.

@MamiRita from your second post I was going to say you probably have ADHD yourself. Further posts confirmed my thoughts.

I gave 10 O levels, 4 A levels, a first class degree and have been successful in my career. I have inattentive ADHD. I have struggled at times to achieve this but in some ways my ADHD has also helped me.

I wouldn't say I've masked any symptoms (as I didn't know what I struggled with were symptoms of anything, I just thought I was rubbish at certain things) it's just that I have strategies in place to deal with most problems. They don't always work though and over the years it's impacted my mental health a lot.

Maybe the reason you are able to suppress impulses is the reason you are permanently exhausted. The scattiness, bad life choices, poor sleep, an inability to prioritise things such as diet and exercise are typical symptoms of ADHD and causing your chaotic life, be kind to yourself.

A diagnosis for me was a massive validation that my struggles were not my fault. For my son it opened up an avenue of support that the EHCP on its own would not have provided on its own.

But to return to your AIBU, yes you can mask impulsivity and hyperactivity and it has a big toll on your well-being.

That's made me think of a great example of masking ADHD symptoms - my DD2 who has ADHD has a tendency to interrupt, and at school that gets you into trouble, and instead of "just not interrupting" she tends not to talk at all in the class.

I was struck by something the educational psychologist said when she was being tested and discussing the family history (me and my dad both being clumsy and disorganised with a tendency to daydream) - that ADHD is not at all rare, but you only attract the attention of a doctor if it's causing you problems. Most people who have it will just learn (hopefully healthy) coping mechanisms and ideally pick a job that doesn't involve the stuff we find difficult.

I dont think its necessarily masking
For dd
Her impulsivity is things like
hitting other kids when they are mean or argue
Running into a road to get something
Talking too much
Copying other kids bad behaviour

Dd has moved to secondary she knows hardly anyone. She isnt masking her need to chat she actually has noone to chat to.
She is on campus so no roads
Not arguing as again not talking
The kids she didnt get on with went to the other school
She was ok sitting still but picked a hole in her arm

Plus she is also i think asd and the social issues for that are 'masking' the adhd

In terms of work. She came out as top 9% for maths and 25% for reading on sats and top 3% for spag.
But that isnt the story - for maths she is more like top 1% because she struggles with time and accuracy. She could have got everything correct. But also we did a lot of work at home - maybe 50 hours of maths. And it was mainly speed and accuracy. But.. In class she was doing like 1 question per lesson.
In extra maths she was talking etc.

The reading - she should have done much better so again speed or distraction.
For spag she has been exceeding standard since y3. And those papers are very short.
She just got 90%+ on a maths test - but 2 q she did wrong add/sub.
Basically she does better at the difficult q.

I can't bear this. I can't ever seem to find a balance. I can feel myself being that annoying person who's dominating the conversation or asking questions or pointing something out.

Or I'll say nothing at all when making an extreme effort not to do this.

Alao dd wont say that she cant queue but she gets.bored.and starts messing about. picking sister up or fighting.

@Anycrispsleft that's an insightful comment by the Ed psych.

Describes my husband to a T!

My son has combined adhd and definitely masks at school. He’s described as the model student, but if you look closely you can see he holds himself tensely and does tend to fidget. He also can’t stop the anxious overthinking and racing thoughts. He can often control the impulsive behaviour at school, but not always. He also doesn’t always approach things in a typical way, but if you don’t know he’s adhd it can appear he’s being difficult. He’s very concerned about rules and has quite literal black and white thinking. He can also hyper focus on anything he finds interesting.

I also mask and have ADHD (combined). I love essay based subjects so hyper focusing at school was easy for me in many lessons. I wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood. Masking is tiring and it’s weird to think it doesn’t happen. I often don’t speak in early meetings because I know I can dominate conversation, but around everyone else I’m very chatty. That’s a basic type of masking.