To think that you can't mask impulsivity or hyperactivity

[MamiRita]

Just that really. I keep hearing about 'masking' in the context of conversations about children with suspected ADHD, I thought this was mainly a characteristic of autism? Someone masking by mirroring conversations or trying to predict what people were about to say, or suppressing stemming.
Someone I know who's child was not diagnosed by an nhs psychiatrist, was outraged as they said that the child couldn't mask symptoms of ADHD, which is true isn't it? If you mask or suppress an urge to do something then isn't that what everyone does, and therefore you're not impulsive as you've made a decision. I suppress urges to talk about highly inappropriate things or get distracted by MN at work or buy flights to Paris with my last £200. It's really hard but I suppress these things.
For what it's worth I have a child with suspected ADHD but I feel I would be fine if they didn't diagnose her. Why wouldn't I be?
Her struggles at school won't be solved by a diagnosis. It's an EHCP which would help with that in terms of possibly giving a 1:1 or extra time in exams. The person I know is distraught at the lack of diagnosis and is obviously now perusing private clinics.
How could a child mask distraction or inattentiveness? It's obvious for my daughter as she doesn't know what's she's learnt and can't keep up. How could that be masked?

I literally do not know what it's like to not be trying so hard to control my urge to speak.

Also was excellent at essay based hyperfocus and found exams easy/not stressful as I found myself happy with the pressure based dopamine fix of exams and I didn't find the content hard until Uni really. ADHD can be a real bonus for intensive study if you can fixate on your subject.

Agree there are LOADS of people out there with ADHD. I've taught for a long time and SO many kids I look back on now and think i was missing subtle signs I'd maybe pick up now. Interestingly I always got on really well/did well with the ASD and ADHD kids, I think neurospicy people can sense it in others, a bit like 'Gaydar'.

But loads of people mask the most socially unacceptable things related to their neurodivergence. I am a nail biter and skin picker but only in private as I know it's grim and try really bloody hard never to do it in front of others.

Ok, I'll bite.

I'm smart, quick to learn and my response to being told 'As of Monday, you're doing a completely different role' is 'Sounds exciting!'. I also absolutely excel in planning and problem solving as everything just unravels like a multidimensional tangle around my head.

Office 1 doesn't believe in differences. No natural light, compulsory yellow flickering fluorescent tube lighting you aren't allowed to switch off because they want all of them on and the one directly over your desk being off looks wrong. Constant interruptions. Phone calls made on loudspeaker to people two doors away rather than being allowed to go and talk to them. Noisy photocopier next to your desk, cluttered, zero ergonomics or organisation in how the furniture has been abandoned in the room. People have created a tiny goat path along the wall of supermarket bags for life filled with even more stuff.

Also used a thoroughfare. Coffee breaks are not approved of, so there is a kettle in the room to ensure that you do not have too many and aren't away from your desk too long. Not allowed more than one screen because it's easy to click between programmes and remember what you've just read when there are three conversations going on around it and the copier is going. Or that's what they think at any rate, because they can do it, why shouldn't you?

You can't gather a single coherent thought because you've been distracted and interrupted every few seconds and it's entirely overwhelming. They report that you aren't particularly good at this job. You feel shit - you know you could do this, but everything about the environment makes it impossible to breathe or think and the people around you look at you as though you're some sort of idiot. The extra stress of the environment and attitudes gets to you - the dismissal and casual ableist comments come every day but you know you can't say a word because you'll be treated as a bully/hysterical/trying to damage them. They're bad enough with physical disabilities, so don't believe the physical limitations anybody has, so you've got no hope with ADHD, which is 'just shorthand for bad parenting and laziness' and doesn't exist in adults at all - they're just lazy and stupid. Like you.

Office 2 embraces neurodiversity. Single occupancy office that can be organised as you wish. Two large screens specifically to allow you to visually compare things. No people passing though, making calls, having conversations. Nobody dumping stuff on your desk, where you walk to your desk, on the surfaces and shelves you'd carefully cleaned so you didn't have to look directly at them all the time.

It's clean and tidy. You can go and get a coffee or have a walk and think anywhere, it's just your way of working. If you're not at your desk much, they can tell it's because you've got a lot on that needs thought and movement. They put up a large board for you to be able to brain dump, make lists, add dependencies and generally take stuff out of your head so it isn't whirling around in there with everything else. They smile and wait for you to get your words out when you're struggling and let you vent.

Your head is much clearer. There's space to get on with things. You can handle it - so much so, you find yourself in a far more specialised, skilled role with even more complexity and details because you're actually so bloody good at this, you're the expert in the room. As long as your needs are recognised and taken into account, you're actually pretty bloody brilliant when it comes to it.

I totally mask my hyperactivity and (less successfully) my impulsivity. I I've learned how to do mostly socially acceptable fidgets, or move body parts that people can't see (under a desk, behind my back, biting my tongue etc) and go to loo or fetch a drink going up and down stairs if that gets too much. I'll also discreetly do stuff that is painful but non-damaging as a distraction if I absolutely need to resist an impulse. You might just see me holding a mug tightly or sipping a drink, without knowing how hot or cold the temperature is, or see me rummaging in my bag or a desk drawer, or fiddling with my hair a bit. And, like many effective ADHD maskers, my impulses tend to be prosocial, so you are less likely to notice that I struggle to not step forward every time a volunteer is needed.

Also OP, I think you’ve misunderstood masking. Masking isn’t often 100% of the time. For example, my ds masks at school because he wants to be seen as good and he’s terrified of getting told off. Nothing happened to cause that and he’s always been ever so private about feelings. He chats to me about them, but far less so dad/DH and almost definitely not anyone else and has been this way the whole time. However, at home and out and about or on holiday with friends, he also can’t sit still, struggles to complete any homework he doesn’t find 100% engaging, has sleep issues and needs help with planning etc. He can’t cope with changes of plan and if anxious has a big meltdown. He runs across roads without looking, struggles to process feelings and feels them very strongly.He’s gone through school refusal before. He’s also had issues at school with friends, which could be partly down to not quite getting all social stuff. So, despite masking at school and being high up in maths etc, it really affects him. It makes our lives a little trickier too, as we have to have lots of coping tactics to avoid meltdowns.

So, if your daughter truly isn’t affected by it that’s great - it also might mean she wouldn’t fit the ADHD diagnostic criteria, or that you haven’t really had what she struggles with become obvious yet. For me, diagnosis for my son means support in the areas he needs. It also means he doesn’t label himself as ‘bad’ because he finds controlling emotion hard. It means when he reaches secondary school, we can get support in fast if issues pop up and (hopefully) not allow them to escalate.

For me, I think knowing earlier would have helped. Yes, I naturally developed plenty of techniques, but I also felt rubbish about myself and the things I felt (and society told me) I failed at. Now I know why, I can actually see the positives of it much more and that has really helped.

@NeverDropYourMooncup well written I relate a lot and now work from home 99% time controlling my own environment & breaks ~ this has allowed me to work at a higher level as my best thinking is never done sat at a desk.

The cross over between autism and adhd is very high. My DD has an autism diagnosis but I’m realising more and more it’s adhd traits that are impacting her a lot at secondary now.

This

Dc have the diagnosis. I agree that it's simply not possible to mask hyperactivity or impulsivity.

Inattention yes.

6yo dd is undiagnosed, so I can't say what the underlying 'condition'' is for certain. She has some of the ASD traits and some ADHD traits (attention deficit, not so much hyperactivity/ impulsivity, and she can become hyperfocused too).

But I can say, without doubt, that she definitely masks at school. So much so, that the effort of doing it burned her out so badly that she was unable to get dressed or attend school for 6 weeks after Christmas. She is meeting expectations academically, and is described as an intelligent and articulate little girl.

ADHD in many girls in particular does not present as 'obviously' as it does in many boys. My daughter talks about how she doesn't hear instructions in class because she is distracted, thinking about/ looking at/ listening to other things. So when she has to complete a task, she will ask a friend what to do, or copy them, because she's not heard the teacher. Imagine that churned up feeling, knowing you've missed the crucial instruction and wondering how the fuck you'll cover it/ get out of it.

i asked her why she doesn't ask her teacher or a TA. Her response was "because I know they'll say I should have been listening". Her handwriting is messy. So she comes home, locks herself in her bedroom playing 'schools' and practices 'getting it right'. She's very skilled, very adept at developing coping mechanisms, but they only work for a while and come with huge impact tonher mental health.

Kids with ADHD have problems with their executive function. Many develop very neat little tricks and work arounds to cover their deficiencies, but occasionally that mask slips, they get 'found out' and it causes great anxiety.

Our understanding of neurodivergence is changing all the time. ASD, ADHD, PDA, OCD, SPD are all variations of a theme, often coinciding at the same time (my daughter also has sensory processing difficulties when highly anxious). I think it's a matter of time before they do away with separate diagnoses and instead do individual 'neurodivergence' profiles.

We are seeking a diagnosis, because I believe it will better equip us, and her, and her teachers etc, to understand herself better and develop the strategies to help her cope better with life in the long run. Unmet needs lead to feelings of failure and mental health breakdown. Our daughter deserves better. So do other people's.

Should have said also that the impulsiveness we see at home is in relation to her emotions - she explodes, which is classic Coke Bottle Effect. It's not about poor behaviour management on our part, she holds in all the day's frustrations and then throws her dinner against the wall, or throws something downstairs and then cries inconsolably because she feels guilty.

I have mainly inattentive type ADHD.

Best way i can explain this is.. i love english, but if we were working on a book i didn't like, i couldn't engage. There was one where we were meant to read it, and i never made it past the first page, because it was boring, would NOT go in. But, the teacher, when doing work, would provide an excerpt from the book to go with the work.. that i could read (with effort) and answer the question.. think i got like a B for that work... but my work book was full of doodles, remarks from the teacher about inattention/needing to concentrate more...etc

Compare to the opposite, which is Hyperfocus.. doing a book i loved, and engaged with, i answered all questions, put my hand up to the point i was told to stop, wrote PAGES in reply.. got an A+

The times i could engage kept my grades up. But my reports are littered with 'day dreamer' and 'needs to pay more attention when its not something that sparks her interest' and 'talks a LOT' and "PU would achieve so much if she listened instead of doodling in her work book"

I suppress urges to talk about highly inappropriate things or get distracted by MN at work or buy flights to Paris with my last £200. It's really hard but I suppress these things.

I interrupt and blurt stuff out. It feels almost physically painful to me to hold stuff. I usually time myself so if I say something I'll wait until five more people have spoken and then I'll 'allow' myself to talk again. That's just being talkative and enthusiastic? It's not a 'trait'.

but how do you know everyone doesn't feel like that? I'm permanently exhausted

^ All of this. This is masking. It’s the effort you have to put in to manage your own ADHD. NT people don’t have to put in this effort.

Ability to mask and manage varies. As do symptoms. You have been able to develop strategies to manage yours. Some people aren’t able to do that. Or can’t do it without a lot of help.

A diagnosis can help as it gives access to medications which reduce the tendencies, meaning less effort needed to manage and mask them. It may means that help has to be given as a “reasonable adjustment” or extra help in class.

The thing about masking is that it's about faking "normality" as opposed to having genuinely normal behaviour. So an example of masking impulsivity would be eating in a restrained way in public (but probably doing something that involved putting stuff in your mouth fairly frequently, like smoking, or drinking a lot of water, or biting nails, or even applying lip balm) but secretly binge eating. A lot of ADHD impulsive behaviour is done in secret, whether it's eating, spending, gambling, drugs and alcohol, casual/risky sex..and it is possible to resist impulses with ADHD. People do it all the time. It's just a lot harder, takes a lot of concentration and can be physically painful, so there's a limit to how much resisting anyone can actually do.

So true, Daisy - hands up who has a chewing gum compulsion as a coping strategy? Have used it since A-Level days when I needed a filling because I was mainlining polo mints and chewing gum was the 'healthier' option. I literally cannot get through a day without it. If I try I end up causing myself harm (I have chewed through my lips and cheeks before) or eating constantly.
I probably get through a tub a week in a non-stressful period, but I'm guessing, because I keep at least 4 tubs on the go at all times (my car, DP's car, my desk, my handbag/laptop bag)