To think that you can't mask impulsivity or hyperactivity

[MamiRita]

Just that really. I keep hearing about 'masking' in the context of conversations about children with suspected ADHD, I thought this was mainly a characteristic of autism? Someone masking by mirroring conversations or trying to predict what people were about to say, or suppressing stemming.
Someone I know who's child was not diagnosed by an nhs psychiatrist, was outraged as they said that the child couldn't mask symptoms of ADHD, which is true isn't it? If you mask or suppress an urge to do something then isn't that what everyone does, and therefore you're not impulsive as you've made a decision. I suppress urges to talk about highly inappropriate things or get distracted by MN at work or buy flights to Paris with my last £200. It's really hard but I suppress these things.
For what it's worth I have a child with suspected ADHD but I feel I would be fine if they didn't diagnose her. Why wouldn't I be?
Her struggles at school won't be solved by a diagnosis. It's an EHCP which would help with that in terms of possibly giving a 1:1 or extra time in exams. The person I know is distraught at the lack of diagnosis and is obviously now perusing private clinics.
How could a child mask distraction or inattentiveness? It's obvious for my daughter as she doesn't know what's she's learnt and can't keep up. How could that be masked?

It can depend what underlying motivator the child has. It's not always as simple as 'DD finds it dull, so can't apply herself'.

I was (eventually) motivated by the dopamine hit of getting homework done (the Zeigarnik Effect), and of avoiding the constant anxiety of detention and a letter home.

It took a long time though. I had the record for the most detentions in the whole of year 7. By year 9 I'd almost worked it out. By year 12 I sat down with a list of my 20 hours/week of homework and powered through it - getting my dopamine fix from feeling organised and in control, even if I didn't enjoy the immediate action of doing homework.

I wasn't diagnosed at that time, and obviously had no meds. I was at a grammar school and ADHD just wasn't 'a thing' - it was an era when it was thought of as a condition that boys who had too many E numbers in their diet had.

As a mum of a child very recently diagnosed with first autism then combined ADHD I can vouch that no the hyperactivity and impulsiveness cannot be controlled in our instance anyway. I read the ADHD report and it was like reading about myself I do all that my child does. I'm waiting on an assessment via the NHS and have been waiting 4yrs. My child got one within a year as school referred to cahms

I just don't see how a child can be inattentive and zoned out in all lessons yet get good grades.

My DS finds focussing in lessons almost impossible - his mind wanders, he gets distracted, zones out. He’s also very bright, particularly in STEM subjects, he has a very logical mind and it just makes sense to him. So despite zoning out a lot of the time he gets very good results because things just click for him. He can read something once and fully understand it, so doesn’t need the repetition in class. He’s awaiting an ADHD assessment.

@MamiRita did you mean to post this in the "I am not being unreasonable" topic? Clearly you're not going to be convinced by the experience of others so what was the point in asking?

waste of time.

It really depends what type and each person will be different. It's like autism, nobody experiences or presents with ASD in the same way. Each on is an individual who presents with their own "symptoms" on the three spoked diagram of social/sensory/communication difficulties.

ADHD in boys is far more studied than in girls because it's far more obvious in boys as the often have more of the hyperactivity side.

Girls often mask that side in school as they are more socially conscious of fitting in.

ADHD isn't always just lack of attention. I personally find I can definitely pay attention (especially if I go into hyperfocus!) But often I am paying too much attention to extraneous things which then distract and can distress me eg sniffing, chatting, I have a colleague who cracks their knuckles in meetings and once my attention wavers then I find it really hard to settle back down. Sometimes it's my thoughts that distract me and then I zone out.

But I absolutely can then go back in and learn stuff. At school I'd ask a friend what the teacher just said and frankly at GCSE level none of it was very hard for me so I coped absolutely fine academically (straight A/A*) even though I definitely struggle with focus.

And my diagnosed daughter is the same, she's dead clever. Struggles in noisy/distracting environment of classroom as she just ends up with her mind wandering.

Doesn't stop her being extremely clever and academically ahead of others.

Leonardo da Vinci was ADHD, they reckon.

I can also procrastinate like a pro but the dopamine hit of last minute/stress fuelled working is huge.

People frequently misunderstand hyperactivity in ADHD. It doesn’t always appear as distructive/reckless and can manifest largely as a hyperactive brain- so thoughts running too fast and flitting around.

My son has severe combined type adhd- if he is unmedicated and not constrained he will gallop in laps round the space, waving his arms and hands and making hooting/banging sounds. He appears very clearly as a child with Sen.

Without his medication he can mask to the extent that he passes as a bit odd- he will nod or shake his hands in his lap, click his tongue, rub his hands on the chair or table, walk around the space… smaller contained movements. He can manage this for about two hours until it becomes physically painful and he cries from the stress. School put this down to autistic stimming until he was seen by a psychiatrist.

This was the pattern every day at school- by lunchtime he was in tears and ‘frozen’ in his attempt to mask. He never did any work or learned anything because all his efforts went into not getting in trouble by being hyperactive.

Who's going to tell the OP that a lot of what she thinks are normal, aren't normal for people who aren't neurodiverse, and that neurodiversity can be hereditary, and that it's really common for women to not get diagnosed until later in life because we mask it so well that nobody realises including us, because understanding of ADHD in girls and women is woeful.

(Said marginly tongue in cheek and with a lot of love from an adult humane female diagnosed with ADHD in her 43rd year)

Sounds like symptoms of adhd!

Thinking of yourself first OP. Compared to other people, do you think your desire to blurt things out is more, less or about the same?

Do you think you put extra effort into being like other people? Is it harder to put that effort in if you are tired or stressed and do you end up exhausted as a result? This can be what masking looks like in adults, especially if they work in jobs where they are required to mask constantly and end up exhausted.

It's not unusual for children with ADHD to do OK at primary and then struggle at secondary when the extra demands of homework and following a timetable independently bring added pressure.
It's also not uncommon for bright children to mask by putting in the effort in at school and then falling apart once they are in the safety of their own home.

No one can diagnose you or your child through a mumsnet thread, but If you have concerns, it is worth speaking to a professional to get proper advice.

My thoughts exactly. I was diagnosed at the same time as my son… the psychiatrist picked it up from my presentation, history and co morbidity when we were going through the process with my son.

YABU

I do

Its just fighting very hard against impulses that most people would just have to fight a little bit, or not at all

OP it sounds like you might have ADHD yourself. The main positive of a diagnosis that I see is getting the medication to support and stopping the impact on self esteem. For many years I thought I was disorganised because I was lazy/stupid/crazy, now I know I just have a differently wired brain and don’t have to feel like shit for having difficulties but can seek other coping mechanisms rather than shame/hiding that I’m struggling.

Maybe. Some people with ADHD get into debt. Some people with ADHD struggle with organisatiion.

And also sounds like lots of people who are just not great at certain aspects of life.

That still happens.

Not every behaviour, personality or character trait can, or should be, pathologised.

The reason ADHD and ASC services have become totally overwhelmed is because of the effects of SM including MN where someone takes very limited information about a stranger online and says 'that sounds like.....'.

For some people, it's good advice and likely the case. For lots of people, it isn't. Unless people with complex neurodevelopmental conditions are now in the extreme majority, which MN often seems to suggest.

Of course you can. It's learned behaviour when you're told off by a teacher fir being lazy (when you're overwhelmed), or yelled at for being late, disorganised etc.

Yes my child is similar. On medication is he is a totally different child. I'm not sure it enables him to mask though, it just slows him down (brain and body) so he can concentrate and be still. And he can make good decisions without acting impulsively. When not on his meds or when they wear off, he is persistently giddy, which is funny for all of 5 mins until he starts pissing everyone off.

My DD is diagnosed with combined type and doesnt appear hyperactive at all. She presents as more inattentive type, and thats what we thought she'd be diagnosed with. But her hyperactivity was picked up on the QB test, as small movements and fidgeting that you might not necessarily notice in person, so she was diagnosed with combined type.

I just don't see how a child can be inattentive and zoned out in all lessons yet get good grades.

The answer is high academic ability and sheer hard work at home - three times as much as their friends! DD got top grades in her GCSEs, A levels and degree, despite not understanding instructions, conversations beyond short questions and answers, anything she read (unless she read each sentence three times) or films, due to ADHD inattentive type. She and I worked 5 hours a night on her homework, and kept going on filter coffee, through secondary school. I read all her text books and explained them to her in the evenings. I got précis of books she had to read, and gave them to her, and I watched films of the books so I could explain it to her (she did a foreign language at A level, I hadn’t done). I showed her how to structure written work like essays. Then at university, she got loads of support - extra time, movement breaks, exams in a room on her own, a study skills mentor, a dictaphone to record all lectures….

There was also a massive cost to her well being and self esteem!

It does to me too

In my experience, the main difference between a neurotypical child and a neurodiverse one is that telling them off or punishing them doesn't change their behaviour. Because it's not within their control.

That's not to saying they can't learn techniques help them in areas they struggle iwith e.g. organisation, but it takes a long time and a lot of practice.

How could a child mask distraction or inattentiveness? It's obvious for my daughter as she doesn't know what's she's learnt and can't keep up. How could that be masked?

To answer that question - DD masked all through secondary that she didn’t understand through lack of concentration. She told me she just interjects “Cool” or “Yeah” into conversations, to make it look like she’s following it, when actually she hasn’t the faintest idea what the other person is talking about. Teachers used to give instructions in lessons, which she missed. Then she asked her classmates what to do. They explained it, but she still didn’t understand and asked them to explain it again - but they got annoyed and refused. We had to explain certain concepts over and over again - in the end, one of her teachers gave her private tuition in lunchtimes, until she grasped the idea of equations, which affected her across maths and the sciences!

In the nicest possible way, are you sure you don't have ADHD? You could be describing me there, one of my kids has ADHD - the one who is most like me and I could have ticked all the boxes on the forms.
I do mask. It has affected my earning potential hugely, I've never been able to hold down a 9 to 5 job, although . I did well at school, as I went to an academic school heavy on punishment for disorganisation - I was very disorganised, but it left me anxious, exhausted and medicated for depression.

I think the thing is if you mask then the ADHD finds another route out, usually via anxiety and mental health problems. My ADHD child (not actually a child now) has had periods of self harm, she turns everything inwards when she can't let it out.

I think the thing is if you mask then the ADHD finds another route out, usually via anxiety and mental health problems. My ADHD child (not actually a child now) has had periods of self harm, she turns everything inwards when she can't let it out.

👏

With my DD it was the constant pressure, telling off, punishments and attention she received for her lack of attention and organisation in school, and her inability to mask it or change it, that gave her mental health problems and anxiety.

I did not start this thread to be diagnosed. I'm pretty sure my chaotic life is just due to scattiness, bad life choices, poor sleep, an inability to prioritise things such as diet and exercise and just generally being too busy. Our brains were made to gather berries ffs, is it any wonder we can't have jobs, have healthy relationships, be present parents, go to the gym, friendships, give back to the community and read all the novels/ watch all the documentaries we're supposed to?

I'm not arguing that older children can't mask or learn to hide their inattentiveness. But an 8 year old, without resources, and with the normal emotional maturity, how do they mask? Because with my DD her level of age appropriate achievement in school is evidently a sign that she is not taking it in, and she isn't doing lots at home independently. I'm not forcing her to do lots of extra work because I think it will impact on her wellbeing and also she's 8! I want her to be a child.
The other explanation is a learning disability. School wanted to pursue ADHD first.