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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Perhaps Mum “friend” isn’t really a friend after all…

84 replies

fluffy71 · 03/10/2023 22:42

My daughter is 5yrs old. Since starting school last year she has made friends with a little girl in her class and they absolutely love playing together. This little girl’s mom has always been very keen for us to meet up so our daughters can play. In fact she encourages her daughter to call me “auntie” and my daughter adores her. Though when I first met her I thought she was a little bit forward and dare I say a little nosey, but we soon became friends as she’s so warm and friendly and loves children. She’s recently gone through an emotionally turbulent time and I’ve been very supportive of her as any friend would. I felt we’d become really quite close friends in a short space of time. Anyway, she has got to know more moms from the class and is more outgoing than me, but I do talk to them too. However, she’s going out and meeting these moms for coffee’s and walks and openly tells me what a lovely time she’s having, but it struck me today that she’s never invited me. It didn’t bother me at all last year but I felt we’d become very close friends in the intervening months so I do feel a little hurt now. Actually when I think about it, we’ve never once met up without our children! The other ladies children aren’t friends with her child so she clearly likes to spend child free time with them but it seems to me that she’s friends with me purely because her daughter really likes my daughter. I have suggested coffee’s before but she always wants to include the kids. What do you think? Obviously I’m not going to say anything to her and I should obviously smile, accept the situation and move on. However I do feel a little foolish and a bit used.

OP posts:
Unicorntastic · 03/10/2023 22:45

If the friendship involving the DC suits you then just take it for what it is, do what makes your DD happy. It does sound one sided though.

WishIWasWise · 03/10/2023 22:46

It’s hard to tell. Maybe she’s pigeonholed you as the one she sees alongside the kids, and it’s just a different kind of friendship.

Autumnleaves89 · 03/10/2023 22:50

I think you may be overthinking a little bit. If your kids get on so well, it just makes sense to include kids in your meet ups? It doesn’t sound like you’re being used to me.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/10/2023 23:02

Do you tend to do a lot of favours for her like minding her children?

Original poster
fluffy71 · 04/10/2023 07:09

Thanks for your responses. Thinking about it, we seem to talk a lot on text, big huge texts but she has my daughter a lot more than I do hers.(If I’m honest I find her child a little difficult, she has tempers tantrums if she doesn’t get her own way) I collect from the park or her house and we have a chat then. So it’s more like she’ll have my child for a play date and I’ll have hers to a lesser degree. Putting it down in writing, makes me realise it’s not really a friendship at all. Despite her always telling me to the contrary. I’m just a useful school mom. I imagine if her child stops wanting to play with mine, I probably wouldn’t see her for dust. Someone suggested to take the friendship for what it is (useful for play dates for my DD). I think that’s what I’ll do. I suppose the long flowery texts have confused me and I’ve assumed it was a closer friendship than it actually is.

OP posts:
PurpleRadish · 04/10/2023 07:17

I was going to say that she is able to be friends with who she wants but I can see text messages are sending mixed messages.

You are at risk of being used but you're alert now. Just assert your own boundaries confidently when you need to.

I a pleased you are alert to her taking the mick and won't invest more than you should in the relationship.

SquishyGloopyBum · 04/10/2023 07:29

Do you ever invite her out for coffee etc?

TheWayTheLightFalls · 04/10/2023 07:34

I’m not seeing it tbh. She has your child round, chats to you happily… sounds like she’s facilitating the kids’ friendship. Nothing wrong there if your dd enjoys her dd’s company.

I certainly have people in my kid’s class where I feel warm to the child but don’t want to be mates with the parent (as well as the opposite!).

MoonShinesBright · 04/10/2023 07:54

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Beautiful3 · 04/10/2023 07:57

I had lots of mum friends like this one. We were only friends, because our kids liked each other and wanted playdates. None of them are really my friends, and disappeared when our kids broke friendships.

mummummummummummummmmmmy · 04/10/2023 08:07

LOL she's done nothing wrong. You're being ridiculous

hydriotaphia · 04/10/2023 08:20

I find your attitude very odd - in what way is being friendly towards you 'using' you?? Especially as you say she invites your DD over more than you invite hers over. If you want to see her without the children then just ask her? I have never met up with any of my DD's friends' mums or dads without it being a playdate, it doesn't mean I secretly hate them, it's just the context I know them from.

cherrypeachparfait · 04/10/2023 08:24

It sounds fine to me. If you want to be a close friend and be invited for coffees and to be part of the friendship group then maybe you are feeling a bit sad and left out. I can see that.

I would try and sit lightly to it. Enjoy what there is but look elsewhere for a deeper friendship.

As I’ve got older I find I want more light hearted friendships and less of the deep and meaningfuls where the confusion comes in.

Quitelikeit · 04/10/2023 08:28

I think these type of friendships are common and may develop into a friendship - or they may not but that’s ok

MermaidMummy06 · 04/10/2023 08:32

I've a friend like this. Once our DC started school she wasn't interested in meeting up anymore. Does with others, though. We don't even get invited to bbqs anymore, just their DC birthday parties (her kids are difficult & don't have many friends so mine are seat fillers. DC enjoy it so we go).

I only hear from her now if she wants something. She assumes I'll do it. Was stunned today as I said sorry, no, I'm busy & can't look after your DC. Was scrambling for an alternative. Has done the last minute thing before on a huge scale, and I'm wise to it now!

It's happened to me a lot, I'm the reliable, supportive, helper friend. So I don't help anymore & take friendship for what they are & don't get invested. It hurts less. I am actively looking for a different kind of friend, though.

PuppyMonkey · 04/10/2023 08:40

if you’re close, next time she goes on and on about going out with the other mums, could you not just say “that sounds fun, I’d love to come along next time you go out!” See what her reaction is?

She may not be aware you’re up for the night out stuff. Or maybe her mentioning it all the time is her way of seeing if you pick up the cue and ask about coming out too.

PuppyMonkey · 04/10/2023 08:42

Sorry have I made it up about it being nights out? - walks and coffees then, same goes! Grin

Hufflepods · 04/10/2023 09:36

She's allowed to have more than one friend though, you come across like you own her and she must include you in absolutely everything she does or she's "using you". Which is rich considering she has your child over a lot more than you do hers so not sure where the using you even comes into it!

TizerorFizz · 04/10/2023 09:41

You are just Mums of children. Nothing more. You seem to want a deep and lasting relationship. Maybe she doesn’t like being a “mom”?

doubleshotcappuccino · 04/10/2023 10:34

Don't read too much into auntie - my family are from india and if we didn't call every female adult auntie we would get a wallop or worse - the flip flop!

ModeWeasel · 04/10/2023 10:38

Have you asked her if she would like to meet for a coffee though? Maybe the other Mum’s invited her and it’s just that you haven’t?

Kingoftheroad · 04/10/2023 10:48

Just take it for what it is. You’ve hit the nail on the head yourself. She’s not the friend that you thought or hoped she was.

Her wee ones difficult, yours makes her happy/keeps her amused. This suits the mum. Just don’t be used as an emotional sounding board, as she WILL a dump you when she no longer needs you. It’s her stuff not yours

Mangolover123 · 04/10/2023 10:54

Say to he, next time you are going out for coffee without the children let me know.

Original poster
fluffy71 · 04/10/2023 12:47

Thanks for all your opinions. I have asked her in the past if she wants to meet for a coffee when the kids are at school and she’s said yes that would be nice, but never followed up. I suppose I could ask to join when she meets up with other moms but that’s not my style to try and push my way in. Like some have said, she certainly doesn’t owe me anything and have to include me with other moms. But by the same token I won’t go above and beyond with emotional support and will step back and think of her a warm acquaintance. I think that’s the thing I was finding confusing.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 04/10/2023 12:49

Sorry op but people can have different groups of friends- it’s hard when you have to juggle them- I’ve tried mixing friends and it just ends up everyone sitting there!!!