Perhaps Mum “friend” isn’t really a friend after all…

[fluffy71]

My daughter is 5yrs old. Since starting school last year she has made friends with a little girl in her class and they absolutely love playing together. This little girl’s mom has always been very keen for us to meet up so our daughters can play. In fact she encourages her daughter to call me “auntie” and my daughter adores her. Though when I first met her I thought she was a little bit forward and dare I say a little nosey, but we soon became friends as she’s so warm and friendly and loves children. She’s recently gone through an emotionally turbulent time and I’ve been very supportive of her as any friend would. I felt we’d become really quite close friends in a short space of time. Anyway, she has got to know more moms from the class and is more outgoing than me, but I do talk to them too. However, she’s going out and meeting these moms for coffee’s and walks and openly tells me what a lovely time she’s having, but it struck me today that she’s never invited me. It didn’t bother me at all last year but I felt we’d become very close friends in the intervening months so I do feel a little hurt now. Actually when I think about it, we’ve never once met up without our children! The other ladies children aren’t friends with her child so she clearly likes to spend child free time with them but it seems to me that she’s friends with me purely because her daughter really likes my daughter. I have suggested coffee’s before but she always wants to include the kids. What do you think? Obviously I’m not going to say anything to her and I should obviously smile, accept the situation and move on. However I do feel a little foolish and a bit used.

It's not that odd- some people extend themselves in friendship and are generous minded, so perhaps would tend to offer open invite to their new friend. If you aren't like this , that's ok but the kinder friend might feel she's only ' good enough' for a certain setting and not a real friend. At the extreme it can be using people and sort of acting as a Queen Bee

I have mum friends that I love just as much as my non-mum friends. I always see my mum friends with their DC because I know we will all have a lovely time together and it frees up time to spend with my non-mum friends without my DC. My DC would not have as much fun around my non-mum friends.

My mum friends have never asked to spend time with me without my DC though, and I've never asked them. It's easier to see my mum friends more regularly because child-free time is in higher demand. So, pros and cons!

It's hard to tell if your friend sees you in the same way. I'll still be friends with my mum friends when I can see them more easily without DC.

Its perfectly normal to have mum friends and non mum friends. You're friends because your kids are primarily. That's fine.

I don’t think she’s using you unless you’re actually watching her daughter too? Otherwise I wouldn’t read much into it, she’s encouraged her daughter to call you an aunty and she and you have also grown closer by sharing personal things going on so she clearly does value your friendship. Maybe next time she says about the time with the other women, make a joke, ‘thanks for the invite!’. In saying that, it’s not her job to make friends for you, you mentioned she’s outgoing, maybe you should put yourself out there too? Friends are allowed other friends it’s not an exclusive thing.

But did you follow it up by suggesting a time and a place? If you invited her, it's for you to say.

You sound very passive.

It’s a tough one as hard to tell. I’ve got a mix of “friends” and the majority of them I meet with their kids and only a couple I meet without the kids.
She might not be the one organising the meet ups with the other mums and just tagging along. Personally I rarely get invited to mum meet ups unless I’m organising it but I’m known to be an “organiser” so I think most ppl just take a backseat when I’m arranging meet ups as I’ll just sort out the date/ venue/timings etc… I enjoy doing it so I don’t mind even if it involves chasing ppl down at times 🫣
One person in particular tends to “use” me to get free stuff off me so I don’t really message her anymore and only chat when she reaches out to me as every interaction involves her asking me for advice or where I can get x y z and often code language for do you have a spare kids jacket that you don’t need that I can have 😵‍💫🫣

It all sounds a bit intense and people sending texts saying what close friends you are is a bit odd really.
If your two DDs get on and enjoy a playdate then take it for what it is and that's fine.
I think you need to organise more playdates for your DD with other kids in the class and not just with one person anyway, so that there's a good mix.
You'll make friends with other mums from the class along the way.

If you don't really trust this friend, because you've said you'd like to come to some of these meet ups and she's said yes and then never arranged anything then you may have a point. But that's a good reason not to make her the conduit to meeting up with the other mums. You all have kids in the same class, so make your own introductions.

It sounds like the friendship works on one level, and that's fine as long as you establish in your own mind what the boundaries are.

You don't have to be best mates with any of the school mums. (that is a delightful bonus if you are lucky) Its more about the kids getting along and not being left out. It's early days so keep on being friendly and approachable. Do not pass on negatives about this other mum. Make some new playdate friends in addition to this one and it should all work out fine.

When did the children start school? I'm in Scotland so am aware that English term dates are different (assuming you're in England of course!). A matter of weeks surely? It seems quite intense for such a short period of time.

95% of people you meet at the school gates will not become your good friends long term, and that’s ok. You are acquaintances and sometimes you even become good acquaintances, but in the main those relationships begin and end at the school gates and will ebb and flow as your child goes through school and develops different friendship groups. In all likelihood, you’ll meet some for coffee now and again, maybe even go for the odd drink on a class night out or help out at a bake sale, but mostly your parent friendships are driven by who your child’s best friend is that week. You and this woman get along well and fulfil a common purpose - to enable two little girls to play together, and that’s great. It doesn’t need to be any more than that.

I get it OP. It does feel a bit like being used if someone only hangs out with you so they can have a playmate for their kids and then would rather be with people they like more for the fun activities. Her using you as an emotional sounding board makes that even more confusing/blurs the lines. I think she probably likes you but not enough to be friends with you.

I think your pragmatic approach of treating her as an acquaintance going forward is a good one. It's fine to help out with regard to the kids but I wouldn't get too involved in providing emotional support or doing favours in other ways. The reason so many people don't see the problem with this kind of behaviour is that they do it too.

What were your actions that you feel were going above and beyond (as you describe it) to support her during her difficult time?

I think you are wise to recognise it. I made the mistake of confusing mum friends with actual friends many years ago and it was quite painful when I realised my mistake.

I've got a few "mum" friends. One I became friends with because our daughters are best friends. We can talk about anything and see each other away from the kids. But most other friends from the school, I have nice chats to and will message on WhatsApp, but it doesn't go deeper than that. Most of the topic we talk about is school or child based. I think both of these types or friendships are fine and both have their place. I think if she doesn't want to deepen the friendship, then it's fine as long as you both assert boundaries and you don't put too much expectation on her. Just see her as a friendly acquaintance and a connection for you and your daughter. If the friendship develops, then great but if not, you have someone to connect with and have nice meet ups.

Well I wouldn't see her as a bestie or anything, but could you try to accept/enjoy the friendship for what it is?

Suggest a coffee with options of three or four dates. I think you may be being a little too passive.

"Sounds lovely - I'd love to join you one day!" (if that's what you fancy)

Good advice.

This is clearly a mum friend of convience for her, which is fine, people have them.

However, do not allow this woman to dominate your childs time with too many playdates just because it suits her.

I encouraged a variety of friendships within class from an early age.

I never encouraged best friend situations, more lots of lovely friends.

It prevents drama and ensures the children have lots of nice friends for play dates as they grow.

It is early days, but you can reach out yourself to others.

My children all had lovely classes with many lovely parents and while we would now definitely stop and chat if we ran into each other, none became close friends, even though our children remain in contact.

A annual coffee meet up organised by someone else has been the norm after primary finished which I tried to make a few times as they were lovely women.

I had quite a few friendships that only really lasted while DC were young and we were "useful" to each other. They were still valuable at the time, but without DC we didn't have a lot in common.

Perhaps she feels a bit used if she looks after your daughter a lot?

I think you are overthinking this. She’s a friend who has a daughter who gets on with your DC.

i have different friends who I do different things with. It’s just the way it is. And if your children and friends then it’s really nice to get together as a 4 and do things.

You can have more than one friend. She sounds lovely. She just got other friends as well as you.

used for what though, if she has your child more than you have hers??

I feel like I see more and more examples on here of people who seem to really struggle with how to interact with other adults once they have kids of their own and this is a prime example. (See also the "bitchy, cliquey school gate mums" threads).

There's no obligation to become friends with someone because your kids are friends. There's all sorts of reasons she may like you but not have time for coffee with you. It's difficult for people with kids to find childcare quite a lot of the time so it may be very hard for her to find a way to get out without her kids. She may be super busy. She may be exhausted or ill. She may have MH problems or domestic issues you don't know about.

It's OK to be friendly without wanting to be best friends. It doesn't make someone a "user" or a bad person.

There's no need to differentiate a "friend" from a "warm acquaintance". There isn't a system for classifying this. People talk about "overthinking" a lot and this is a great example but what worries me about so many of these posts is people reading stuff into interactions which just isn't there and lacking the ability to just go with it.

Overthinking these things is more or less guaranteed to lead to disappointment and fallings-out. Learn to chill about it and accept it for what it is, don't constantly seek to define and classify friendships: it will all seem much easier. I pretty much guarantee you will find life and making friends easier once you do this.

It plainly says in the original post that she's suggested coffee meetings before and been fobbed off - its very frustrating when people skim read the post and then jump in with a comment that just clogs up the thread because its clearly stated upfront. If youre going to comment, then do the OP the courtesy of actually reading what she said.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Well said.