Perhaps Mum “friend” isn’t really a friend after all…

[fluffy71]

My daughter is 5yrs old. Since starting school last year she has made friends with a little girl in her class and they absolutely love playing together. This little girl’s mom has always been very keen for us to meet up so our daughters can play. In fact she encourages her daughter to call me “auntie” and my daughter adores her. Though when I first met her I thought she was a little bit forward and dare I say a little nosey, but we soon became friends as she’s so warm and friendly and loves children. She’s recently gone through an emotionally turbulent time and I’ve been very supportive of her as any friend would. I felt we’d become really quite close friends in a short space of time. Anyway, she has got to know more moms from the class and is more outgoing than me, but I do talk to them too. However, she’s going out and meeting these moms for coffee’s and walks and openly tells me what a lovely time she’s having, but it struck me today that she’s never invited me. It didn’t bother me at all last year but I felt we’d become very close friends in the intervening months so I do feel a little hurt now. Actually when I think about it, we’ve never once met up without our children! The other ladies children aren’t friends with her child so she clearly likes to spend child free time with them but it seems to me that she’s friends with me purely because her daughter really likes my daughter. I have suggested coffee’s before but she always wants to include the kids. What do you think? Obviously I’m not going to say anything to her and I should obviously smile, accept the situation and move on. However I do feel a little foolish and a bit used.

If she has your DD loads I don't think it's using? Some people just pigeon hole friends and keep people a bit separate. Enjoy it for what it is, it's nice when your children have fiends that are willing to have them over loads and you get on with the mums.

I had this happen. Children played together.
one day I just dropped by and she had a whole date going on with three other Mums. I felt really uncomfortable.
I didn’t bother with her again!

This friend slots in for your daughters. She won’t be a long termer.

And thats ok.
x

@fluffy71 I think generally with anyone you meet at work or the school run, the deciding factor is whether you'd want to see them outside those situations. I think that decides whether they see you as anything more. If she actively enjoys your company, she'd set a date. I'm pretty friendly with all the mums but I've only really gone out with two who I see as friends I want to be part of my life. Similarly at work, I'm seeing someone tomorrow who I actually want to spend my free time with. The bottom line is if neither of you are setting a date, then you aren't interested in more than the superficial friendship

I understand where you're coming from on this. When my child started school, I became friendly quite quickly with another mum whose child had befriended mine - she was very attentive, got in touch lots and was keen to meet up outside school with the kids. I was happy to have someone who was friendly and seemed to want to spend time with me and my son. The signs were there from the start but I didn't see them straight away, but I slowly realised that we were just entertainment for her son - she had older kids and she wanted someone handy for her youngest who was easy going and would fit in with her plans with other parents/friends and I was keen to please and so went along with it. I got fed up in the end of being treated like an add on in every situation and I ended our friendship following a particuarly upsetting incident. I learnt quite a few lessons from the whole thing and realised that she had made a a bit of fool of me but that I had allowed her to do it. I have become a lot more assertive and less of a doormat as a result. Distance yourself emotionally from her and expect nothing - she sounds like a user just as my former friend was.

I don’t think she’s using you at all. It sounds like she is a friendly type who likes lots of human interaction. There is nothing wrong with that.

If she has been open with you, she trusts you and if your children get along then that’s even better. Sounds like a normal friendship.

Ask her again for that coffee after the school run, get a date in the diary. Ask her where she went for that walk, tell her you fancy it sometime. Ask her for advice on a new outfit/coat whatever and go shopping together. Don’t back off just because she has other friends.

I think she probably likes you fine, but her focus here is orchestrating good friendships for her daughter. She clearly rates your daughter as good company for hers, and she probably enjoys chatting to you when you are all together. Like many school mums, she probably already has a satisfactory circle of close friends and just isn’t interested in adding you to that number.

Don’t take it badly, many of us have experienced the same. Life goes on and you will meet true friends who want to see you for your company, not just for setting up a social network for their kids.

To be honest, she sounds like a nice woman who is hospitable and kind to your daughter. It is difficult to understand why you would have a problem with that.

The fact that she socialises with other parents is neither here nor there. Presumably she doesn't see you as someone to have coffee with etc and that's totally fine. Do you have other friends?

I feel like you're pinning a lot onto this woman and trying to make her responsible for your feelings of rejection but those are yours to manage.

I think you’re overthinking this. I think you will find that she has categorised you as a friend. She sees with her daughter and has pigeonholed you as a result. I wouldn’t be offended as it probably hasn’t even occurred to her to change the dynamics of this relationship by inviting you along to other event school meet ups

I had a friend who I met because of our DD’s friendship. We became very good friends (or so I thought) and DD’s wanted to spend so much time with each other that we met up most weekends and a few times a week during school holidays….
when the kids had callings out it used to really upset me and I always tried to make them sort it out….
Their friendship ceased almost overnight and I was also dropped like a brick…. Any attempts to contact her or meet up were greeted with ‘busy this half term, maybe next time’ or words to that effect…. So I’ve stopped texting, and she hasn’t bothered for so long I can’t even remember the last time!
Even when my DD almost died and husband left she didn’t bother!

i’ve come to realise that these mum friendships are no more than someone to pass the time with over a coffee while the kids are entertaining each other… I except that now and take these mum friendships for what they are… temporary and not to deep!