Perhaps Mum “friend” isn’t really a friend after all…

[fluffy71]

My daughter is 5yrs old. Since starting school last year she has made friends with a little girl in her class and they absolutely love playing together. This little girl’s mom has always been very keen for us to meet up so our daughters can play. In fact she encourages her daughter to call me “auntie” and my daughter adores her. Though when I first met her I thought she was a little bit forward and dare I say a little nosey, but we soon became friends as she’s so warm and friendly and loves children. She’s recently gone through an emotionally turbulent time and I’ve been very supportive of her as any friend would. I felt we’d become really quite close friends in a short space of time. Anyway, she has got to know more moms from the class and is more outgoing than me, but I do talk to them too. However, she’s going out and meeting these moms for coffee’s and walks and openly tells me what a lovely time she’s having, but it struck me today that she’s never invited me. It didn’t bother me at all last year but I felt we’d become very close friends in the intervening months so I do feel a little hurt now. Actually when I think about it, we’ve never once met up without our children! The other ladies children aren’t friends with her child so she clearly likes to spend child free time with them but it seems to me that she’s friends with me purely because her daughter really likes my daughter. I have suggested coffee’s before but she always wants to include the kids. What do you think? Obviously I’m not going to say anything to her and I should obviously smile, accept the situation and move on. However I do feel a little foolish and a bit used.

@Lobelia123

Thanks for that. I had read the op thank you.

If you had read the ops further comments you will see she never actually followed up, it was a generic 'we should do coffee' but op never suggested a date or time when the friend said yes.

I think your expecting to much, your kids are friends, she's entitled to have as many friends as she likes and spend time with those friends without inviting you.

Her one line "clogged up the thread" a lot less than your little rant tbh.

OP she's not a "user", if anything, you're using her because you just do whatever suits you and want her to do whatever you want. For example you want to not look after her daughter but you send yours to her house quite a lot.

She's probably telling you about the group to get you to say "ooh I'd love to go to something like that, when is it?" You've said she's quite outgoing.

What on Earth emotional support do you expect from one friend who you've never even met alone, anyway? It all sounds a bit possessive tbh, like those key stage 2 girls who can't cope with the idea that their "best" friend has other friends too.

@fluffy71
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I have asked her in the past if she wants to meet for a coffee when the kids are at school and she’s said yes that would be nice, but never followed up.

When you say asked, is it a vague “we should do coffee sometime” or “are you free for a coffee at O’Neills on Tuesday morning after drop off?”

From reading your posts, it sounds like you stand around like a lost puppy, waiting to be invited to join in. Are you expecting her to make the actual arrangements? You need to learn to be more assertive for your own sake and to model healthy relationships to your daughter.

I’m probably a bit like your friend in that I know a lot of mums and meet up with different people outside of school all the time. However, whilst I happily INSTIGATE the meet-ups a lot of the time, it’s not my responsibility to ensure equal participation for all.

I read threads on here and despair of the posters who talk about school gate cliques. Why is it always someone else’s responsibility to make the effort to include all the waifs and strays? We’re busy people too.

Also, I think you’re ‘the user’ in this relationship when you openly admit that she has your daughter for play dates far more often and you seem to expect her to manage your social life too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

She has your child much more than you have yours, you expect her to bring you along to meet her other friends, you expect her to take you out for coffee...but you think SHE is using YOU?
Seems clearly the other way around. You're using her, AND you're being horrible about her at the same time. You need to look at yourself and your attitude, she's not the issue here. You are.

Next time suggest a date time for coffee as I find oh we must catch up is too vague. I found with some school mams it was just the kids had things in common. So no real friendships there.

When she tells you about these coffee meet ups next time I'd say "ooh let me know when you next go please, I'd love to tag along and have a break from DD"

It could simply be a case of she has been added to a group, that have always done the coffee thing, and so she just goes along as she has been included in this group. Could well be the other mums are organising it, as opposed to her doing the organising and leaving you out.

A sort of, anyone free for coffee on friday at 10, meet at xyz's.
She tells you about it, so I doubt very much its her organising and purposely leaving you out.

Suggest a coffee meet up to her. And pin it down with a day or time. I've lost track of the number of times myself and other mums i've been chatting with have said 'we;ll have to get together for coffee sometime' and then nothing becomes of it because neither of us follow it through. Whereas when someone has said, a few of us are meeting for coffee at 10 at xyz, its actually happened and i've gone along.

OP do you have self esteem issues?

My mum was/is like this. Massively overthinks every interaction and relationship she has with people, reads into everything, is very easily offended. It all comes down to how she feels about herself and that is the fact that she has very low self esteem.

If this is the problem, you need to address this first.

Next time she talks about the coffee group, say 'oh I've love to go for coffee without the kids, make sure and let me know next time I'd love to join you if I'm free'.

You say she 'has never followed up'.
But I'm guessing you have never followed up either?

When you meet a pushy person you tend to feel pushed back.
But you can 'come forward' more and initiate things.

When some of us befriend a pushy or controlling person they can tend to make us feel smaller.
Or that in a weird way we are warned off having other friends because the pushy friend takes up all the 'friend' space.

Friendships can come in many different categories. I’m friends with someone I consider close (ish). She’ll come over to mine for coffee and a chat and I very occasionally go to hers, we hug goodbye etc but I’m not part of her social group. She had an anniversary party and I wasn’t invited. It didn’t bother me as I see her as my cuppa and chat friend and she obviously sees me the same way. I have another friend that I go for walks with but we have no idea what the other is doing on a social level. I have another friend where I absolutely would be hurt if she invited others out and not me.

Don’t feel used. I don’t think she has used you at all. It sounds like the 4 of you have a great time together with the kids loving the new ‘auntie’ aswell.
mum friends can be hard to come by so don’t dismiss the value of that.
I get that you feel a bit hurt though, just wanted to be included but she doesn’t actually owe you anything. Hard to hear but she doesn’t have to invite you to anything. She may be spreading herself out to make lots of friends so she has lots of people to meet up with etc. I really don’t think it’s about you as such.
if you are happy to continue to meet with kids, do so and enjoy the friendship. If you want both then say to her ‘I’d love a bit of kid free time with you, are you free this week or next to meet for a coffee/wine/walk/chat’

Thanks all for your advice, even the harsh ones! I have lots of different types of friends, as others have described but my post has possibly made me come across as needy and passive.
On reflection I think I’ve been ambushed a little by someone who wants our kids to meet all the time because her daughter literally asks her all the time and she doesn’t like to disappoint her. I often refuse offers for my DD to visit their house because she’s tired etc. So despite our nice long texts and a lovely friendly relationship, I’ve got my nose put out of joint because I’ve mistaken this as a deeper friendship when it isn’t and you know what that’s absolutely fine!!! Phew!

All my children’s school days are behind them now but my experience of school parent friendships is that many (most) are fairly tenuous with the only thing in common being having given birth at roughly the same time. But the school gates seem to open some old playground wounds for some and bring out some of the behaviour too.

How parents respond is also influenced by whether they’ve got older children and are not particularly focussed on one year group and possibly have friendships in the older year groups, or they may be grappling with younger children and not have the freedom to socialise and/or they have busy lives and jobs and their attention is elsewhere. We can never know the true picture of what other people are tackling in their lives. Suddenly your children are best friends with someone but it doesn’t go deeper than texts about arrangements and the odd coffee. The school gates can be a bit like work, some people you rub along with, some become friends outside, one or two are loathsome.

There is no point overanalysing these things @fluffy71 and you can’t wait for her to behave in the way you want. If you want to join the other group of mums for meet ups just say you’d love to come along. My policy at school was always to satellite around fixed groups and try and be friendly and open to all. I would try and make lots of different friends in the school and outside it so the responses of one person are not so concerning.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong and I would take a leaf out of her book and mix with lots of different people. By taking a broad approach to friendships you’re more likely to find those that become lifelong friends. I’ve been through it four times and met many fellow parents, only two or three have become great friends for life.

I love your last post @fluffy71

At times like this it's useful to remember "friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. '. The fact that she is only a friend for one part of your life doesn't make it worthless. It's good to see it and enjoy it for what it is.

Same.

Just take the friendship for what it is she clearly loves your daughter like you said she has her a lot and it’s hard to find people you can trust like that so you could do a lot worse maybe she’s noticed you don’t seem particularly interested in being friends with the other mums, have you ever expressed a desire for her to facilitate friendships for you, otherwise as adults she’s probably not given a thought and just thinks like you said yourself she is more outgoing than you, I wouldn’t start questioning the entire friendship that seems a little drastic I’d just take it as face value she’s a caring mum that loves your child and your kids love each other

I’m just a useful school mom

Sounds like she is pretty useful herself having your child over a lot more than you do hers.

I can understand your feelings. Does it feel like a friendship of convenience?
I mean get togethers with other mums when they stay eg at an outing or activity doesn't really last beyond what 7/8 unless maybe the park so is OP feeling the friendship will just go once play dates etc end?

Hard to tell, but maybe she just thinks because the girls are so close it makes sense to include them in your meet ups. With the others, she doesn't think there's much point taking them along? It's a bit rude she's never invited you along though when she has met up with them, I can see why that's hurtful ... I'd probably be a bit brazen and say "oh let me know next time, a walk sounds nice!". That's if you actually want to - otherwise just take the friendship for what is is and spend time with other friends for that kind of thing. X

Some people will tell everyone, every detail if their lives maybe she’s just one of those people.

Sounds fine to me

Ask her if she fancies going out for a glass of wine and see her response as that’s clearly not a kiddie play date.

Also people can have different circles. Maybe one of the other mums finds you awkward to be around or whatever? That’s fine too.