To want my family Christmas as it’s always been

[Justdaydreaming]

DH and I have always alternated Christmas, we live close enough to celebrate with both sides of the family, one Christmas Day, one Boxing Day. It’s always busy but great fun.

The year that we spend Xmas day with DH’s family, we also see his sister and children too. To this end, it means that on the alternate year DH’s parents are alone on Xmas day as we would be seeing my family and SIL seeing her in-laws. Bad planning but it has been like that for over 10 years now.

My family love to have a big Christmas and so early on into this scenario we started to invite in-laws to my side of the family’s Xmas day so they weren’t alone, which they have come to around 5 times. We love having them there. This involves my in-laws turning up around 2pm, having Xmas dinner and games and usually leaving around 9pm. Its works well.

This year we have moved into a bigger house, and so when I sent my normal message inviting them to spend Xmas day with my family again, they replied accepting and stating that they wish to stay with us two nights, Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

They haven’t stayed Xmas Eve with us before, even though we have had space in the past, it’s just we have more space this year.

so this is where the problem lies.. them turning up at 2pm works well, as my family like to do breakfast and presents in the morning around 10am which I really enjoy and would want that to be my time with my family again this year. However, if my in-laws stay Xmas eve, they would want to spend Xmas morning with me and DH (+DD) and so I feel that I would miss out on my family time.

I asked my DH to politely find a way to say that turning up on Xmas Day at 2pm is the plan and that they haven’t had to stay with us any other year over the past 10 years, so they shouldn’t need to change the plans now, but he thinks I'm
being completely unreasonable. As I type this, I’m thinking maybe I am, but I already include in-laws in the rest of the day, it would be nice to have some time with my family, just us.

AIBU?

For me there is something very special about Christmas Eve and Christmas day morning and I very much like it just DH, kids and me. Selfish perhaps but I wouldn't want anyone else in the house for those bits, not even my own parents!

I really enjoy hosting but it is work, making sure that everyone has sufficent to drink/eat etc.
also Christmas morning if hosting I would be busy preparing and there are some people such as my immediate family who I wouldn’t mind being there for that and see the messy chaotic points but others who I would.
I would also be a bit self conscious having people join for present giving who weren’t really part of the present exchange and would feel pressure to buy for them or change.

we also don’t know if the in-laws are muck in type people or whether them trying to muck in would get in the way

Who needs to move their plans? It’s the op and her parents who are being asked to change their plans

@AlexaCanYouHearMe

honestly, In order for you to have YOUR family Christmas as you want it, other people have to move their plans ... Why do your plans/wants/needs trump everyone else's?

EVERY other year from @Justdaydreaming is that not "our normal"? within reasonable families?

Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with DCs is my favourite and that’s your only time just you and your own wee family.
YANBU.

you’re already very accommodating…how come your parents always invite the in laws and your inlaws don’t reciprocate?

regardless. I’m with those saying say that Christmas Eve arrival doesn’t work for you but see them as planned from 2pm and stay the night Christmas night if the issue is driving back home?
my parents are cordial with inlaws but that’s it so this whole concept is alien!

as others say if you swap years round so they’re never alone that’s the other option

Personally I think you're being unreasonable, but I guess that's because our families have always been really flexible around Christmas and generally the more the merrier! We tend to do different things every year, and we also started hosting my parents and in-laws once we bought a house. You could offer to host everyone as another option, rather than only alternating between your parents or in-laws?

"Dear ILs, unfortunately we already have plans in place, therefore, we're unable to have you stay with us on Christmas Eve night. We're looking forward to having you join us as usual at my parents house at 2pm Christmas Day, Love Justdaydreaming x"

YANBU

To your DH - no, your wife is not being completely unreasonable, she's being completely reasonable. Your wife is actually extremely accommodating of including your parents into her own family's Christmas, which is a lot more than most wives would do, you should count yourself lucky that you have such a great wife and not bloody push it!!

Yanbu. They are joining in with your family from 2pm, they dont need to come for Christmas eve and Christmas morning too. Do not feel bad about pushing back. "We can't host on Christmas eve/Christmas morning have other plans, but looking forward to seeing you at 2pm and of cpurse welcome to stay here Christmas night"

Even if the plans are chilling with dd and the toys then all getting showers and organised for breakfast at your parents.

Similar set up for us. My MIL enjoys the quiet Christmas and would rather have all children and grandchildren together the following yr. So alternating between your family and SIL might not be better.

Agree and when would you get to spend time with sil, and the children spend time with cousins and aunts/ uncles if you did this

Agree with @ReadingSoManyThreads
message to your OH.
you’re extremely accommodating already. It doesn’t seem fair to you and your parents at all.

Perhaps I'm missing something but if the SIL switched alternating, wouldn't that mean that the OP/DH and SIL, along with their respective children would never spend a Christmas together? Surely it's as much about the whole family being together?

@Justdaydreaming

Do I have this right? Italics are my 'addition'.

Year A
CD -Xmas morning at your parents, then in-laws inc PIL and SIL hosted by SIL
BD - my family, hosted by my parents

Year B
CD - Xmas morning at your parents, then my parents + PIL at your parents
BD - In-laws inc PIL and SIL hosted by SIL

So every Xmas morning is at your parents? Could your iLs feel they're being 'shortchanged' by never having a Xmas morning with you, DH, & DC? I don't think swopping years around would help if that's the issue because you'd still be at your parents every Xmas morning.

What about having iLs to your house at 10 am when it's your parents turn to host then you all proceed to your parents for dinner at 2 (or whatever time works for your parents). You could deal with the request for 'overnight' by suggesting they come at 10 to your house as 'that works better for DC's sleep'.

We had the same issue as BiL's wife INSISTED that they spend Xmas Day with her parents every year, so my iLs would have been alone Xmas Day as they traditionally had their family dinner on Xmas Eve. So my parents invited them to their house for Xmas Day to celebrate with us so they wouldn't be alone. In turn iLs had my parents to their house every Xmas Eve to their dinner. Xmas morning my DH made breakfast and issued an 'open invitation' to come and 'see the Xmas loot' as our DC were up at dawn to open presents. Each set of parents came around 8 or 9-ish and stayed an hour or so then went back to their own homes, Mum to cook and iLs to relax until dinner at my parents that afternoon. Of course that all worked for everyone because we all lived about a 10-15 min drive away from each other.

The holidays can be a minefield!

I understand completely. I'd just say that you like your little family time on Christmas morning, but you'd love them to stay Christmas night. I think that's more than fair and I'm sure most grandparents would understand that (once it's spelled out to them)

Then the op misses out on part of her family Christmas that she enjoys, why should she do that on her year

Do you know that they have assumed you would all arrive at 2pm at your parents' house? I don't see why they would make this assumption. Surely they know you leave earlier?

I would respond to their request with a 'yes' as a one off but make it clear that you'll all need to arrive at 10am. Going forward I would invite them along on your normal schedule. You can make this clear by gently stating that you'd like to spend the early morning as a family now that DD is getting older.

I think it’s unreasonable / unrealistic to expect Christmas traditions to not change / flex as situations change, people get older etc. It’s obviously your call whether the suggestion works or not. Personally my family has always been on of the ‘more the merrier’ attitude and tend to have various waifs and strays for Christmas, but every family is different.

Have you even read the thread? Why bother commenting if you're responding to a scenario that hasn't actually happened?

Op doesn't want anyone to move their plans, she wants the same plans, that have worked for everyone for years to stay in place. It's her pil who are trying to swap plans to benefit them.

Why shouldn't she compromise to make things more even? Where is it written in stone that no one should ever have to change the way they do Xmas? Her DH certainly has as I'm sure he was used to seeing his parents every Xmas morning before OP decided that every Xmas morning must be spent with her family. It was probably 'no big deal' before they had a child, but once a grandchild enters the scene, I do think that makes a difference for a lot of families and sometimes things need to change.

It appears that OP spends EVERY Christmas morning with HER parents (starting at 10am). Her iLs get NO Christmas mornings with their son. I'm suggesting that she compromise and have her iLs to her house every other year so that BOTH sets of grandparents get some Christmas morning 'joy' with their child & grandchild.

I simply suggested that a way to do this would be to have her iLs to her house the year they go to her parents. But if OP would prefer to have them the year they go to SiL's, that's fine too. It's just that way she wouldn't see her parents at all on Xmas Day because she'd be having her iLs in the morning then going to SiL. 'My way' allows her to see them every Xmas. One year at 10am as usual then off to SiLs, the other starting at 2pm when she and iLs would go on to her parent's for dinner after having spent Xmas morning together from 10 am.

It's all about compromise. I'm assuming that DH's parents want to spend more time with them and that's why they want to stay over Xmas Eve. The way I've suggested 'saves' Xmas Eve and first thing Xmas morning for OP and her 'little family' to spend together doing whatever traditions she and DH want for DC, but 'evens out' the time that each set of grandparents spends with them on Xmas morning.

This was never an issue with me as both my and DH's family tradition was that Xmas morning was spent with one's 'little family'. We 'broadened' that by inviting BOTH sets of parents to 'drop in' on Xmas morning for breakfast if they wanted to. So our DC got to show both sets of grandparents their 'loot'.

Sorry, it wasn’t very clear in my original post. The year that we spend with SIL we don’t see my parents at all on Christmas Day. We spend the time with my in-laws.

the year that we spend with my parents, we stay at our own house Xmas even and go to them for 10am on Xmas morning.

thank you

@Justdaydreaming

Got it! So it sounds as if your iLs do get 'equal time' then if you spend pretty much all of Xmas Day with them & SiL. So as Emily Litella used to say "Never mind!".

Do you have any idea what your iL's 'motivation' for wanting to spend the night(s) is/are? Could it be that there's less traffic (or they think there is) driving over on Xmas Eve than Xmas Day? Maybe they want to be able to 'lounge around' more on Xmas morning? Not sure when they have to be out of the house to be at your parent's by 2pm. Or do they perhaps want to be free to 'imbibe' and would expect to ride with you to your parent's?

I think since things appear to be pretty 'even Steven' on the 'sharing the kids' time' front, YANBU to say that you want Xmas Eve/morning to be the way it always was. Hopefully you'll find the right words and they'll accept your decision.

I don't really see the problem. The ILs are your family now and it sound like you get on well. Can't it be a case of the more the merrier?