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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my family Christmas as it’s always been

97 replies

Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 19:43

DH and I have always alternated Christmas, we live close enough to celebrate with both sides of the family, one Christmas Day, one Boxing Day. It’s always busy but great fun.

The year that we spend Xmas day with DH’s family, we also see his sister and children too. To this end, it means that on the alternate year DH’s parents are alone on Xmas day as we would be seeing my family and SIL seeing her in-laws. Bad planning but it has been like that for over 10 years now.

My family love to have a big Christmas and so early on into this scenario we started to invite in-laws to my side of the family’s Xmas day so they weren’t alone, which they have come to around 5 times. We love having them there. This involves my in-laws turning up around 2pm, having Xmas dinner and games and usually leaving around 9pm. Its works well.

This year we have moved into a bigger house, and so when I sent my normal message inviting them to spend Xmas day with my family again, they replied accepting and stating that they wish to stay with us two nights, Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

They haven’t stayed Xmas Eve with us before, even though we have had space in the past, it’s just we have more space this year.

so this is where the problem lies.. them turning up at 2pm works well, as my family like to do breakfast and presents in the morning around 10am which I really enjoy and would want that to be my time with my family again this year. However, if my in-laws stay Xmas eve, they would want to spend Xmas morning with me and DH (+DD) and so I feel that I would miss out on my family time.

I asked my DH to politely find a way to say that turning up on Xmas Day at 2pm is the plan and that they haven’t had to stay with us any other year over the past 10 years, so they shouldn’t need to change the plans now, but he thinks I'm
being completely unreasonable. As I type this, I’m thinking maybe I am, but I already include in-laws in the rest of the day, it would be nice to have some time with my family, just us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HowIsItOctoberAlready · 03/10/2023 20:14

Ahhhh your OP was confusing!

So by this them turning up at 2pm works well, as my family like to do breakfast and presents in the morning around 10am which I really enjoy and would want that to be my time with my family again this year
when you say "my family" you mean you, DH and DCs only?

If that's the case I think YANBU.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/10/2023 20:15

You definitely shouldn’t miss out on going to your family’s in the morning so if they do stay tell them that you will go to your parents at your normal time and they will join from 2 as normal. But if you don’t want them there Christmas Eve night then get your husband to say no

Birch101 · 03/10/2023 20:16

Confused
Year A
CD - Your inlaws plus SIL
BD - Your family

Year B
CD - Your family and you invite PIL from pm onwards
BD - your inlaws (maybe SIL)

I would say yes this year but you could then say you would like most of boxing day just your BH and children? They'll come home after brunch

They're asking to be with you, as long as you don't all hate each other and you still have fun then it's worth trying - imo

Limpba · 03/10/2023 20:16

YANBU

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2023 20:17

Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:08

Thanks everyone.

some edits:

  1. My family Christmas is hosted at my parents house every year, I don’t host. So when I mentioned my in-laws would want Xmas morning with me and DH, I meant that they’d want to stay at our house Xmas Eve and we all go together at 2pm to my parents house.

  2. they live about 40 mins drive from me / my parents house

  3. yes, so technically we spend every year with my in-laws on Xmas day and Boxing Day. This isn’t a problem at all, we all get on very well and it’s been this way for a number of years. I hated the thought of them being on their own on the alternate Christmas Day.

  4. on any other day of the year they can stay whenever they wish too, we often have them with us on weekends, or through school holidays when they can spend time with DD. The specific problem I have is that I wish to go to my parents house at 10am on Xmas morning like I’ve always done, but wouldn’t be able to if they stayed Xmas Eve too

  5. we are already together Boxing Day at the SIL’s house so I couldn’t offer that as the second night,

Why tho?

Why can't you get up and do what you usually do but with in laws in tow? Would your parents not allow it?

Blueeyes13 · 03/10/2023 20:18

Perhaps you should nudge SIL and see if the in-laws can go to her in-laws every third year 😂😂.

TokyoGhoul · 03/10/2023 20:19

Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:08

Thanks everyone.

some edits:

  1. My family Christmas is hosted at my parents house every year, I don’t host. So when I mentioned my in-laws would want Xmas morning with me and DH, I meant that they’d want to stay at our house Xmas Eve and we all go together at 2pm to my parents house.

  2. they live about 40 mins drive from me / my parents house

  3. yes, so technically we spend every year with my in-laws on Xmas day and Boxing Day. This isn’t a problem at all, we all get on very well and it’s been this way for a number of years. I hated the thought of them being on their own on the alternate Christmas Day.

  4. on any other day of the year they can stay whenever they wish too, we often have them with us on weekends, or through school holidays when they can spend time with DD. The specific problem I have is that I wish to go to my parents house at 10am on Xmas morning like I’ve always done, but wouldn’t be able to if they stayed Xmas Eve too

  5. we are already together Boxing Day at the SIL’s house so I couldn’t offer that as the second night,

Your choices are clear:

  1. Let them stay and take them to your parents with you in the morning.

  2. Tell them they can't stay and the invite is for lunch only.

3)Swap your Christmas alternate years so they are never on their own and you get to be with just your family the other year. (this one seems win win). It would mean maybe skipping one year, but worth it if it's important to have your family Christmas just how you want every other year.

Your decision depnds on how intolerable 1) is to you, how upset they might be by 2) and whether that level of upset is worth it, and whether you can do a hard thing short term to get what you want long term whihc is 3).

FWIW I wouldn't want to drive Christmas day, I like to have a drink otherwise it doesn't feel like a celebration. Could that be factor for them?

DesparatePragmatist · 03/10/2023 20:19

Hi PIL, lovely thought, but we're at Bianca's drinks on Xmas eve and over to mum's on Xmas morning for our biannual rituals - looking forward to seeing you in the afternoon and you're welcome to stay on Xmas night.

Original poster
Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:21

Birch101 · 03/10/2023 20:16

Confused
Year A
CD - Your inlaws plus SIL
BD - Your family

Year B
CD - Your family and you invite PIL from pm onwards
BD - your inlaws (maybe SIL)

I would say yes this year but you could then say you would like most of boxing day just your BH and children? They'll come home after brunch

They're asking to be with you, as long as you don't all hate each other and you still have fun then it's worth trying - imo

Yes sorry, it is confusing

Year A
CD - in-laws inc PIL and SIL hosted by SIL
BD - my family, hosted by my parents

Year B
CD - my parents + PIL
BD - In-laws inc PIL and SIL hosted by SIL

no we definitely don’t hate each other, we get on well and 2pm onwards is always great fun.

OP posts:
1month · 03/10/2023 20:23

Why don’t you just swap the years?

When SIL goes to her PIL, you go to your PIL and when SIL is at her parents, you go to your parents.

So exactly what you’ve been doing but the alternating years have just swapped around.

This year will be tricky and there perhaps needs to be a bit of a change for this one.
But then next year you’ll be seeing the other parents and then it’ll carry on alternating as normal.

Avocadoseed · 03/10/2023 20:25

I’m really surprised so many people are saying YABU!

I do not think it’s unreasonable to want to spend Xmas morning with your own family (dc+dh) I would feel exactly the same. You sound like you have a really busy few days with a lot of people so a quieter morning with just your family sound lovely.

Original poster
Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:26

1month · 03/10/2023 20:23

Why don’t you just swap the years?

When SIL goes to her PIL, you go to your PIL and when SIL is at her parents, you go to your parents.

So exactly what you’ve been doing but the alternating years have just swapped around.

This year will be tricky and there perhaps needs to be a bit of a change for this one.
But then next year you’ll be seeing the other parents and then it’ll carry on alternating as normal.

This might be the fairest option. In the past we liked being with SIL and her kids too as it’s great to be around kids for Xmas. We now have our own so this may be what we discuss for next year

OP posts:
Coffeedrinker7 · 03/10/2023 20:26

I guess you need to ask yourself what’s more important- opening presents with your parents without in laws or potentially upsetting DH and offending your in laws. Your DH clearly wants them to come. Do your parents mind or is it just you?

I don’t know how old your inlaws/ parents are, but there comes a point when you realise that you and your immediate family (partner, kids etc) need to be the grown ups in the situation. You sound like you still want everything the same as it’s always been, but things change and accommodations have to made when people get older.

M4J4 · 03/10/2023 20:27

YANBU they are very rude to invite themselves on Christmas Eve, when they’re already being hosted by your parents every other year.

Tell them no and tell DH he has no right to offer up more of your time.

If he doesn’t like it he can spend Xmas with his parents.

Lovingitallnow · 03/10/2023 20:28

I don't think you're unreasonable. I adore my in laws but when they're there my parents are hosting. my parents can't chill and relax and just be themselves with their family. So basically op's parents don't get to see their daughter without her PIL? Is that fair?

WanderleyWagon · 03/10/2023 20:29

So, I totally get why you would want your usual Christmas morning traditions. But I don't see why they can't be invited too? I would have thought that was fairly standard, to include extra family members sometimes, for the present giving?

Original poster
Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:30

Coffeedrinker7 · 03/10/2023 20:26

I guess you need to ask yourself what’s more important- opening presents with your parents without in laws or potentially upsetting DH and offending your in laws. Your DH clearly wants them to come. Do your parents mind or is it just you?

I don’t know how old your inlaws/ parents are, but there comes a point when you realise that you and your immediate family (partner, kids etc) need to be the grown ups in the situation. You sound like you still want everything the same as it’s always been, but things change and accommodations have to made when people get older.

That’s a very good point.
I think I want it how it’s always been as it’s always worked and it’s what we’ve always done. Change isn’t a bad thing.
both sets of parents are mid 60’s.

I haven’t spoken to my parents yet but I don’t think they’d have an issue extending the invite for the whole day, they are very welcoming people.

OP posts:
Electrictache · 03/10/2023 20:34

I'd just explain you'd rather keep your plans the same as previous years. You can either leave it there, say you like some time with your parents in the morning or make up Xmas eve plans.

I really don't think they can get pissy about you asking for a few hours with your parents when they get both days with one of their kids.

1month · 03/10/2023 20:35

Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:26

This might be the fairest option. In the past we liked being with SIL and her kids too as it’s great to be around kids for Xmas. We now have our own so this may be what we discuss for next year

Show quote history

Could SIL swap her years instead?

She might have the same problem but it’s understandable why you’d want to see her and the kids and Xmas too.

But her PIL may not have any issues swapping.

And then her parents won’t be alone and don’t need to come to your parents (and they’d be no more talk of sleeping over).

UpaladderwatchingTV · 03/10/2023 20:35

I would just say 'Oh, I'm sorry we can't have you on Christmas Eve but you're welcome to stay on Christmas Night so that you can have a drink if you want one, and won't have to drive home. Look forward to seeing you at 2pm at my parents'. If they question it, just say, 'It's nothing personal, we just have our own rituals and enjoy spending Christmas Eve on our own preparing for the big day'. If they are thick skinned enough to argue with that, then I'd be going off of them really rapidly.

However, if they're really elderly, then that might make a difference to my decision.

Tbry · 03/10/2023 20:37

Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:21

Yes sorry, it is confusing

Year A
CD - in-laws inc PIL and SIL hosted by SIL
BD - my family, hosted by my parents

Year B
CD - my parents + PIL
BD - In-laws inc PIL and SIL hosted by SIL

no we definitely don’t hate each other, we get on well and 2pm onwards is always great fun.

Show quote history

This already seems unfair as only your parents and your SIL ever host? Why are you not hosting and why are your PIL never hosting? Feel very sorry for your parents and SIL to be honest as neither ever get a year off.

Original poster
Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:40

Tbry · 03/10/2023 20:37

This already seems unfair as only your parents and your SIL ever host? Why are you not hosting and why are your PIL never hosting? Feel very sorry for your parents and SIL to be honest as neither ever get a year off.

Show quote history

We’ve offered to host but my parents enjoy it, everyone chips in and same with SIL, they always preferred to be at their house on Xmas day so their kids didn’t have to travel anywhere so we’ve always just gone to them. I’d happily host one year, I’m very much looking forward to it.

OP posts:
Callyem · 03/10/2023 20:40

YANBU - I used to cherish the Christmas mornings when DD was little and do present opening before the madness of wider family celebrations ensued. I would just explain that to your inlaws.

Mirabai · 03/10/2023 20:41

Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:30

That’s a very good point.
I think I want it how it’s always been as it’s always worked and it’s what we’ve always done. Change isn’t a bad thing.
both sets of parents are mid 60’s.

I haven’t spoken to my parents yet but I don’t think they’d have an issue extending the invite for the whole day, they are very welcoming people.

Show quote history

No. They’re really young OP, quite young enough to drive 40 mins on Christmas Day. If you agree to this now you will be doing it for the next 20 years.

But if DH wants to take over Christmas organisation - do all the presents, decorate the tree, buy and cook all the food - in that circumstance he could swing it. 😉

OddBoots · 03/10/2023 20:42

How old is your dd? Getting children to sleep Christmas eve can be challenging enough without overnight guests.