To want my family Christmas as it’s always been

[Justdaydreaming]

DH and I have always alternated Christmas, we live close enough to celebrate with both sides of the family, one Christmas Day, one Boxing Day. It’s always busy but great fun.

The year that we spend Xmas day with DH’s family, we also see his sister and children too. To this end, it means that on the alternate year DH’s parents are alone on Xmas day as we would be seeing my family and SIL seeing her in-laws. Bad planning but it has been like that for over 10 years now.

My family love to have a big Christmas and so early on into this scenario we started to invite in-laws to my side of the family’s Xmas day so they weren’t alone, which they have come to around 5 times. We love having them there. This involves my in-laws turning up around 2pm, having Xmas dinner and games and usually leaving around 9pm. Its works well.

This year we have moved into a bigger house, and so when I sent my normal message inviting them to spend Xmas day with my family again, they replied accepting and stating that they wish to stay with us two nights, Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

They haven’t stayed Xmas Eve with us before, even though we have had space in the past, it’s just we have more space this year.

so this is where the problem lies.. them turning up at 2pm works well, as my family like to do breakfast and presents in the morning around 10am which I really enjoy and would want that to be my time with my family again this year. However, if my in-laws stay Xmas eve, they would want to spend Xmas morning with me and DH (+DD) and so I feel that I would miss out on my family time.

I asked my DH to politely find a way to say that turning up on Xmas Day at 2pm is the plan and that they haven’t had to stay with us any other year over the past 10 years, so they shouldn’t need to change the plans now, but he thinks I'm
being completely unreasonable. As I type this, I’m thinking maybe I am, but I already include in-laws in the rest of the day, it would be nice to have some time with my family, just us.

AIBU?

everyone saying DH's parents aren't being cheeky because it's not cheeky to invite yourself to your own son's house - well firstly I think it IS, but other than that they aren't just inviting themselves to the son/OPs house but also to their son's wife's parents house - they were (very kindly) invited from 2pm and by inviting themselves along to OPs home are basically inviting themselves along to her parents for the whole day too. Which is cheeky!

2pm gives the immediate family time to chill out together and then get ready for visitors, 10am doesn't.

OP isn't unreasonable to want some time on her own with her family given the DH's side already see them every year compared to her parents only every other year, and her parents, who have very kindly invited the other parents over for lunch and the afternoon are far from unreasonable to not want them for the whole day! It sounds like the DH's parents have never returned the favour and offered to host OP's parents on their 'off year?'

DH is being unreasonable to want to see HIS parents all day, every year, while not returning the favour.

I'm mystified why in 10 years your SIL hasn't swapped about to save your in laws being alone alternate Xmas days.

@Justdaydreaming

Just wondering, do people really feel the same level of comfort with their in-laws as their own family?

I think @Justdaydreaming actually is extremely accommodating.

I think we all should recognise that Christmas will, hopefully, be a shared, relatively equitable arrangement i.e. turn about, and if we are all "grown-up" about it, surely we must realise that some years, will be different to others?

She’ll be 3 just before Xmas and is a nightmare to get to sleep on normal nights 😂

Don’t invite your in laws to you parents earlier in the morning, it is not fair on your parents. It will be harder work for them and having too many people for present opening sounds like a nightmare

also you mention you now have a child - do you think it's wanting to be with the baby as much as possible on their first? christmas rather than because you've now got more space? Which again would be unreasonable, your parents will only get half a day alone with them every 2 years while they will get a full day alone and half a day shared. Just seems a bit greedy from them.

And the poster feeling bad about them being alone - give over, they are early 60s, hardly elderly, and if they have a lie in they'll be "alone" (together!) for maybe 2 hours before leaving to drive to op's parents where they get lots of entertainment and company and a free meal, it's hardly hardly tearjerking stuff!

Op you are absolutely not being unreasonable. What they're basically saying is they get xmas day and boxing day every single year whereever you go they go too. I'd just say sorry no, doesn't work for us.

It’s just always worked well, and they have kids to think about both sides of the family and alternating the way they do.
My DD is coming up to three so she hasn’t always been a consideration in this 10 year period.

^^ This

Because they’ve never been alone, they’ve either been at the sil’s or the op’s parents

Just say you want to wake up with just DD Christmas morning, so they can come over later and join you at your parents anytime from 10am?

I think it’s very generous of you and your parents to always invite your in laws. You would be well within reason to say you can’t accommodate them Christmas Eve (don’t give details, only means people try think of ‘solutions’) but they’re welcome at your parents from 2pm and to stay at yours Xmas night. Hopefully that’s the best of both worlds

Sorry but it would be a no from me.
We ALWAYS have Xmas eve evening by ourselves. It's my favourite time of the whole festive season. Invite them over at 10am for a compromise if you need but I would be very firm about this

Why should they be allowed to go from 10, 2 pm is perfectly reasonable. Just offer Christmas night overnight as a compromise.

The specific problem I have is that I wish to go to my parents house at 10am on Xmas morning like I’ve always done, but wouldn’t be able to if they stayed Xmas Eve too

Couldn’t your ILs just come too?

2pm is reasonable too, whatever OP thinks is OK for her.

I'd not want anyone else here for the Christmas morning wake up.

I have learned over the last few years that clinging desperately to ‘the way it’s always been’ can lead to hurt, upset and lots of stress.
My family as a child was smallish and close knit. Christmas only ever consisted of me, my sister, parents and one set of grandparents. It’s always been at my mums house and the traditions became VERY ingrained.
however, life changes, we have both married and had kids. My sister lives miles away. Both out DH have families they are close to ( my DH is an only child). My mum has struggled so much with changing the way Christmas is organised. Her inability to share her Christmas, for several years, caused me a huge amount of anxiety.
Luckily she has slowly managed to come to terms with the way things now have to be.
All I can say is, for the sake of your DH and others, please be flexible, welcoming and generous with your family time. It makes life so much happier for all concerned.

Why would it be harder work? In my family it wouldn’t - we’d all muck in to do tea or whatever was required. I think if OP’s parents are the type to not mind hosting at 2pm they probably won’t mind hosting at 10am either.

I think the in laws are being rude. They already get to see their son and grandchild every Christmas Day. They have been invited for Christmas lunch at 2pm. You cannot invite yourself to someone’s house at 10am Christmas Day! And then invite yourself to stay over in someone’s house Christmas Eve and Christmas night.
The op is entitled to want time alone with her child and her dh.

Yanbu and I also don’t think your parents should have to host them from 10am when they already welcome them from 2pm every other year.

I would keep it as is, your parents are very welcoming and are generous already having them on their year, perhaps they really enjoy just the mornings with you, DH & DGD alone.
I think it is a bit cheeky to push for more on their side, not on.

Of course YABU. In order for you to have YOUR family Christmas as you want it, other people have to move their plans ... Why do your plans/wants/needs trump everyone else's?

I'd feel the same in your shoes. You spend every other Christmas with their side (and don't see your side on the Christmases that you're with in laws) and in recent years you've spent every Christmas with them because they come to your family on their years "off" as well.

I think the 2pm is fine and the arrangement as it stands sounds fair already BUT I guess you could say that they stay on for Christmas night, if you wanted to compromise a little. I understand when you say you want to do present opening with your side on Christmas Day morning as you'll be seeing the IL at 2pm that day anyway. I get the wanting to keep a little bit back for yourselves (whichever form it takes). Staying both Xmas Eve night and Xmas Day night sounds quite a lot.

Also, for your parents, it's a different dynamic for them having you plus IL at 10am on Xmas Day rather than just you and your family. It makes it seem more of a formal occasion starting at 10 rather than just relaxing fun bit before the big stuff starts at 2.

Does it really matter? Is it worth upsetting them over?