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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my family Christmas as it’s always been

97 replies

Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 19:43

DH and I have always alternated Christmas, we live close enough to celebrate with both sides of the family, one Christmas Day, one Boxing Day. It’s always busy but great fun.

The year that we spend Xmas day with DH’s family, we also see his sister and children too. To this end, it means that on the alternate year DH’s parents are alone on Xmas day as we would be seeing my family and SIL seeing her in-laws. Bad planning but it has been like that for over 10 years now.

My family love to have a big Christmas and so early on into this scenario we started to invite in-laws to my side of the family’s Xmas day so they weren’t alone, which they have come to around 5 times. We love having them there. This involves my in-laws turning up around 2pm, having Xmas dinner and games and usually leaving around 9pm. Its works well.

This year we have moved into a bigger house, and so when I sent my normal message inviting them to spend Xmas day with my family again, they replied accepting and stating that they wish to stay with us two nights, Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

They haven’t stayed Xmas Eve with us before, even though we have had space in the past, it’s just we have more space this year.

so this is where the problem lies.. them turning up at 2pm works well, as my family like to do breakfast and presents in the morning around 10am which I really enjoy and would want that to be my time with my family again this year. However, if my in-laws stay Xmas eve, they would want to spend Xmas morning with me and DH (+DD) and so I feel that I would miss out on my family time.

I asked my DH to politely find a way to say that turning up on Xmas Day at 2pm is the plan and that they haven’t had to stay with us any other year over the past 10 years, so they shouldn’t need to change the plans now, but he thinks I'm
being completely unreasonable. As I type this, I’m thinking maybe I am, but I already include in-laws in the rest of the day, it would be nice to have some time with my family, just us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrsphilmiller · 03/10/2023 19:47

Erm… yes and no.

But… maybe offer to accommodate Xmas night and boxing night?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/10/2023 19:47

Are your family staying over? Can’t everyone just join in? I’m not sure why the in laws attending will take anything away from the time with your family.

Cherryflavouranything · 03/10/2023 19:49

So do the inlaws actually spend every xmas with you? Is that right?

They are taking the piss a bit, if that’s the case. YANBU

yogasaurus · 03/10/2023 19:49

So basically, it’s the year with your family, you invited them for dinner but they want to stay for two nights?

Yanbu

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2023 19:49

Surely your in-laws just come with you wherever you go, rather than their presence meaning you have to change everything?

ChimChimeny · 03/10/2023 19:50

It’s rude to invite yourself to stay at someone else’s house Christmas or not!
YANBU to want some time just with your family

Everydayimhuffling · 03/10/2023 19:51

You could consider offering them Christmas night but not Christmas eve. Honestly, though, I think it's fine to stick with the invitation as it is. It's nice that they are invited to your family Christmas.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 03/10/2023 19:51

I feel like PPs are being deliberately dense or not reading the OP properly.

Of course you'd like to have alone time with your fam on Xmas; I think it is pretty fair that you have them from 2pm. Like someone said, maybe they can say Xmas evening and Boxing Day; leaving on 27th?

WeWereInParis · 03/10/2023 19:52

However, if my in-laws stay Xmas eve, they would want to spend Xmas morning with me and DH (+DD) and so I feel that I would miss out on my family time.

Wouldn't you just be all together? You'll all be the house, right?

They are unreasonable to invite themselves for an extra night. I'm just not sure I understand your reasoning on this specific point.

ihateaparade · 03/10/2023 19:53

They've been invited to spend the day with your family. They were not invited for (2) nights. They're pushing the envelope for whatever reason and it either works for you or it doesn't. It's a lot to add in hosting for multiple overnights (family or not) at that time of year. Do they reciprocate with your family when it's their year to host?

PerfectMatch · 03/10/2023 19:53

I think it depends partly on how far away they live? Is it too tiring for them to travel on Christmas morning?

But if they live close by then I think YANBU. They're seeing you every Christmas, whereas you only see your parents every other Christmas (is that right?), so you get to decide if you'd like the morning with just your parents.

beetr00 · 03/10/2023 19:53

Their plans should remain as normal, i.e. Christmas day 2pm arrival at yours with your family, then Boxing day as normal, also at yours.

YANBU.

Christmas eve and Christmas day morning should stay as you wish.

CallieTR · 03/10/2023 19:53

I think it is fair that you want time with your family without your ILs there - if they’re with you Christmas Eve to Boxing Day on what is technically not ‘their’ year, they’re not allowing you any unaccompanied Christmas time with your own family.

Basilton · 03/10/2023 19:56

ChimChimeny · 03/10/2023 19:50

It’s rude to invite yourself to stay at someone else’s house Christmas or not!
YANBU to want some time just with your family

They are not inviting themselves to a strangers house, or even a friends, this is their son’s house and they have suggested coming a day earlier. I don’t have an adult child but if I were going to my parent’s or my sibling’s for Christmas, I am close enough to them to say that I was planning to arrive Christmas Eve and wouldn’t feel the need to wait for a formal invitation.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/10/2023 20:00

CallieTR · 03/10/2023 19:53

I think it is fair that you want time with your family without your ILs there - if they’re with you Christmas Eve to Boxing Day on what is technically not ‘their’ year, they’re not allowing you any unaccompanied Christmas time with your own family.

I don’t understand why it needs to be “unaccompanied” unless there’s some bizarre private family ritual and especially given the OPs husband will be there.

If my husband’s parents were over and he told me mine couldn’t come too I’d be offended and sad. Luckily we recognise the importance of both families and nobody who wants to be there is excluded.

MaggieFS · 03/10/2023 20:00

YANBU. You have generously included them when it your family's turn and now they are taking the piss.

Much as everyone might get on, I can see how it changes the dynamics.

TokyoGhoul · 03/10/2023 20:03

If they live far away maybe the travel on christmas day is a hassle for them so now you have the space for them to stay, they think it's be nicer to stay and not have to travel there and back on the day?

It's probably just a situation where what is easier for them is a hassle for you and vice versa.

If your family don't mind I'd just tag them along with you on Christmas morning because refusing is likely to cause upset or bad feeling or misunderstanding which just isn't worth it.

If however that is just too awful and ruins Christmas so you have to make a stand, explain to them why it's just a lunch invite and be prepared to tolerate the upset.

OR switch your Christmas' and gp to them this year then you can have your Christmas just with your family every other year?

IhearyouClemFandango · 03/10/2023 20:06

Why can't they just join in with whatever you're doing? I can imagine Christmas morning on their own is pretty quiet/lonely.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/10/2023 20:06

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/10/2023 20:00

I don’t understand why it needs to be “unaccompanied” unless there’s some bizarre private family ritual and especially given the OPs husband will be there.

If my husband’s parents were over and he told me mine couldn’t come too I’d be offended and sad. Luckily we recognise the importance of both families and nobody who wants to be there is excluded.

Show quote history

But they go to the op’s family’s house on Christmas morning so the in-laws would need to join as well. When op kindly invited the in-laws to join for Christmas dinner it wasn’t with the intention of including them for the morning/present opening. Having others join for that changes the dynamic and could be awkward.

CallieTR · 03/10/2023 20:06

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/10/2023 20:00

I don’t understand why it needs to be “unaccompanied” unless there’s some bizarre private family ritual and especially given the OPs husband will be there.

If my husband’s parents were over and he told me mine couldn’t come too I’d be offended and sad. Luckily we recognise the importance of both families and nobody who wants to be there is excluded.

Show quote history

Its nice that you feel that way but clearly not everyone does.

Having my in-laws there changes the dynamic. Sometimes it’s preferable to be with my family without them there. DH feels the same about time with his family.

And OP isn’t saying they can’t come over, she’s just saying she’d rather not have them there for 48 hours when they’ve only been invited for lunch onwards.

Blueeyes13 · 03/10/2023 20:07

Do the only want to change the setup because you have a bigger house? Wouldn't they normally see SIL on Boxing Day on the "off" year? I don't think YABU to want them to come for 2pm as usual but perhaps they could stay Xmas night. Surely any reasonable people would understand that you'd like some time just with your family on Christmas morning. Why do they think they've been invited at 2 for the last decade? If you'd wanted them earlier it would already have happened.

Original poster
Justdaydreaming · 03/10/2023 20:08

Thanks everyone.

some edits:

  1. My family Christmas is hosted at my parents house every year, I don’t host. So when I mentioned my in-laws would want Xmas morning with me and DH, I meant that they’d want to stay at our house Xmas Eve and we all go together at 2pm to my parents house.

  2. they live about 40 mins drive from me / my parents house

  3. yes, so technically we spend every year with my in-laws on Xmas day and Boxing Day. This isn’t a problem at all, we all get on very well and it’s been this way for a number of years. I hated the thought of them being on their own on the alternate Christmas Day.

  4. on any other day of the year they can stay whenever they wish too, we often have them with us on weekends, or through school holidays when they can spend time with DD. The specific problem I have is that I wish to go to my parents house at 10am on Xmas morning like I’ve always done, but wouldn’t be able to if they stayed Xmas Eve too

  5. we are already together Boxing Day at the SIL’s house so I couldn’t offer that as the second night,

OP posts:
Coffeedrinker7 · 03/10/2023 20:08

You’re an adult, right? Unless there’s some big back story and they are horrible people I really don’t see what the big deal is. If it’s about hosting/catering you could ask them to bring some stuff. I don’t see why you need your ‘own’ time with your side of the family. Can’t the in-laws just come with you for the breakfast and present opening?

In the last few years DH and I have lost all parents on both sides, it makes you realise how nice family Christmases are.

Perhaps now that you have the bigger house you should be the ones to host next year? Start some new traditions.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/10/2023 20:09

How old are the in-laws? As the yes go by are they finding the journey a bit much so 2 nights is more manageable for them?

I dunno, I kind of think yabu.

Blueeyes13 · 03/10/2023 20:14

Either they come at 2 or you all got to your parents for present opening. If you stay at home with the inlaws then you'll only get lunch with your parents and not the fun present opening bit that you love (for neither Christmas setup).