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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bloody Tik Tok and DD

105 replies

Pleidiolwyfimgwlad73 · 01/10/2023 20:27

11 year old DD wants TIk Tok and has been relentlessly hasstling for it- giving me the whole ‘all my friends have it’ etc. i have said no and been clear about my reasons which include that I don’t think it’s a particularly safe platform, she’s too young etc etc.

She thinks I am being super strict. My compromise was that I would set up an account on my phone that she could use when I was also able to monitor it - was with her when she’s looking at it.

Aibu and very strict? I don’t bloody want her in some Tik Tok rabbit hole at 11 years old in her room on her own- I feel like there’s then no control. She thinks I am being ridiculous!

Am i being ridiculously over strict?

OP posts:
bombastix · 01/10/2023 23:22

Thanks I will @Charles11 I hate it. This child is studious and clever. TikTok looks like it would mince all that and replace it with low self esteem.

BeMoreBarbie · 01/10/2023 23:33

I use TikTok a lot and allow DD to. She is 12 and was 10/11 when she started. I check her algorithm and make sure she's not watching any shit but I know from mine that it just gets locked into things you watch. I've never suddenly seen something unrelated or gory and neither has she.

Limit the screen time and check there is nothing bad coming up.

She's also allowed to watch films over 12a.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 02/10/2023 06:24

Limit the screen time and check there is nothing bad coming up.

But how will OP know if something bad came up while the child was watching? And it's not like there's anything you can actually do about that anyway.

I only follow one account on TikTok and I get shown all sorts of completely unrelated stuff.

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 02/10/2023 06:48

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 02/10/2023 06:24

Limit the screen time and check there is nothing bad coming up.

But how will OP know if something bad came up while the child was watching? And it's not like there's anything you can actually do about that anyway.

I only follow one account on TikTok and I get shown all sorts of completely unrelated stuff.

Perhaps completely unrelated but is any of it bad and unsuitable?

You'll know because you have open dialogue with your child.

Hearmeout · 02/10/2023 06:52

Guiltridden12345 · 01/10/2023 21:07

Welcome to an adult debate.

Show quote history

There's another one. Wind it in Confucius, nobody's impressed.

Charles11 · 02/10/2023 06:56

Also, you might be able to monitor it now but how do you know that no bad stuff comes up in a year or so when dc might get a bit curious about certain topics?

I watched one thing once then started getting the likes of Farage and Katie Hopkins and even worse, explicit discussions on gay sex which I have no idea how it came about.

You can't trust that it will always be safe.

fozzybear23 · 02/10/2023 07:01

@Guiltridden12345 I don't think patronising someone by stating that their standards are 'frighteningly low' just because they have a different opinion to you is adult debate at all. It's a dick move. Sorry.

My 12 year old and most of his peers use Tik Tok. I have all of the controls on but I monitor him closely with it and have seen myself that the odd swear word slips through the net. I'm ok with this but I wouldn't want him to see anything sexual or violent obviously. Luckily the algorithm seems to just present him with football videos and funny animal clips because this is what he searches for. I have spent ages scrolling his Tik Tok and nothing untoward has ever come up. We are very close and I know he would tell me if he did see something that made him uncomfortable (he did once before when he came across something online - not Tik Tok related).

If you want to save yourself the hassle of monitoring it then don't let your dd have it. We all know the internet can be a cesspit at times and I wish there were no social media or tik tok to navigate through. But this is the world we live in and depriving them of it all will simply make them want it more in the future. Ds has no other social media. He's asked for Snapchat but I don't allow that because I know of too many cases of bullying that has occurred on it and there's never any evidence as the messages disappear.

We all make our own judgements based on our feelings and the mentality of our kids. It doesn't mean anyone's standards are lower than the others and that those who say a blanket no are better parents.

incognito50me · 02/10/2023 07:22

My DD is 15. She has tiktok (as "everyone has it"), but has time limits on it. Unlike the vast majority of her peers.
If I didn't let her have it, I'm sure she would find a way to get it by using others' devices.
Sexualized dances, lyrics, all normalized. Pretty trashy (I hate the fashion, plasticky makeup in vogue for teen girls these days). I sound like every old person ever discussing the "youth of today", but I really believe tiktok is doing nothing good. Normalizing being pretty and sexual, and that very early, rather than working towards a goal, having hobbies... my DD and her friends, of course, don't see it this way.

topnoddy · 02/10/2023 08:14

Tik Tok is toxic full stop

It also harvests no end of data from users for god knows what purpose

KeepNameChanging81 · 02/10/2023 08:21

i genuinely feel the best conversation is an open and honest conversation as kids hear a lot at school. What Tik Tok does is embed that.

My niece is 12 but one of the youngest at school is up a year, she struggles being so young and has Tik Tok. I think it’s encouraged to be older than her years but only in relation to fashion, I’d also say it’s an emotional struggle for her.

I was at an event recently and it was sad to see nearly every child on their phones. My 12 year old does have a phone now, it’d make drop offs and pick ups from clubs really hard without one she has a hobby where she has to travel all over so we need to be able to get hold of her. My 12 year old does go on her phone but she has no apps. Bar Spotify and some games she likes , like shaving a bar of soap!

our school policy is 13+ for a phone. So her phone is off during the day.

twistyizzy · 02/10/2023 08:30

Interestingly I've just had a conversation with nearly 12 Yr old DD. She knows she isn't allowed TikTok but said she wouldn't want it anyway because of all the things you can get exposed to on there, she thinks 16 is an appropriate age for it. Same with Snapchat due to bullying.
She is happy with WhatsApp with Family Link to restrict use and monitor it and the deal is that I get to monitor the messages.

Chanhedforthis · 02/10/2023 08:37

YANBU

My 14 year old still isn't allowed it.

FloorWipes · 02/10/2023 08:56

It's not necessarily the nature of the content that is dangerous (although it can be) but the addictiveness of the algorithm.

fozzybear23 · 02/10/2023 09:33

By the time kids get to senior school do you not think they are going to be exposed to all kinds of questionable material anyway? Even if they don't have Tik Tok whose to say their friends aren't showing them things on their account? The internet is full of horrendous stuff that is usually only a click away. They can't be sheltered from everything.

I would rather have an open, honest dialogue with my dc about things that might have made them uncomfortable than say a blanket no and have them search stuff anyway. YouTube shorts for example - no app needed for that and it has loads of the same content as Tik Tok.

I would agree however that the content isn't the issue, it's the addictive nature of the algorithm. I'm terrible for going down the rabbit hole myself and I sometimes see the same in my ds. This is what we are working on at the moment as it definitely needs time restrictions as well as content restrictions.

Hearmeout · 02/10/2023 12:30

If you're going to limit tiktok you need to limit you tube/Instagram/Snapchat/Reddit/rumble etc etc the lost goes on.

Basically Pandora's box is open and never getting closed again so I think the only way forward for everyone really is coping strategies and education about what you can be exposed to and also how to limit your exposure. Because stopping a child who has their own device using tik tok to stop them being exposed to bad things is like throwing a dustpan and brush at an earthquake, the bad thing is the internet. If you allow them to be on the internet, the door is already open. It's never going away and there's plenty of alternate sources of awful stuff. It's horrible but we're where we are.

Pugfin · 02/10/2023 12:40

Hearmeout · 02/10/2023 12:30

If you're going to limit tiktok you need to limit you tube/Instagram/Snapchat/Reddit/rumble etc etc the lost goes on.

Basically Pandora's box is open and never getting closed again so I think the only way forward for everyone really is coping strategies and education about what you can be exposed to and also how to limit your exposure. Because stopping a child who has their own device using tik tok to stop them being exposed to bad things is like throwing a dustpan and brush at an earthquake, the bad thing is the internet. If you allow them to be on the internet, the door is already open. It's never going away and there's plenty of alternate sources of awful stuff. It's horrible but we're where we are.

I disagree in regards to TT to be honest. Other platforms have harmful content (some of which is thankfully filtered out and restricted), but the way the algorithm works on TT and the lack of moderation is much worse. Its also much easier for random people to start conversations on there which can be grim. Of course you can't shield children anymore from the entirety of the Internet, but a social media site that will select sexual, violent and inappropriate content and mix it in with fun dances and whatever else is a no from me.

Startyabastard · 02/10/2023 12:51

I think it was on here that it was said that someone watched tiktok and was given the algorithm of a live dog being pushed off a cliff in India and another video of a woman changing her baby's nappy on camera. Why???!!

Startyabastard · 02/10/2023 12:52

Yes it is brain rotting and I worry about people's kids.

Startyabastard · 02/10/2023 12:56

I had a crap childhood, but I'm really happy that none of this was available.
It's terrible and I hope the government bans it.

elliejjtiny · 02/10/2023 12:58

My 17 year old has just got it. None of my younger dc do though. Does your child's school have a parent group on facebook? Ours does and there is often questions on there from parents saying things like "My dc in year 8 says everyone has an iphone/is bringing a phone on school residential/is allowed to play GTA, is this true?" Always loads of replies confirming that it isn't true.

Hearmeout · 02/10/2023 14:10

Pugfin · 02/10/2023 12:40

I disagree in regards to TT to be honest. Other platforms have harmful content (some of which is thankfully filtered out and restricted), but the way the algorithm works on TT and the lack of moderation is much worse. Its also much easier for random people to start conversations on there which can be grim. Of course you can't shield children anymore from the entirety of the Internet, but a social media site that will select sexual, violent and inappropriate content and mix it in with fun dances and whatever else is a no from me.

Show quote history

That's fair comment.

I am very very glad that the internet didn't exist in my childhood and that social media such as it is today was still somewhat in it's infancy when DD was growing up by comparison to today. I would HATE to have a young child now with everything that can be accessed.

dnasurprise · 02/10/2023 14:42

I really, really regret giving my 13yo dds tik tok. By 14 my dd was watching a lot of unsuitable content that it was very hard to police. She was probably always likely to do this but she developed anorexia, spent hours watching videos about anorexia, how to cheat the ED team etc. It has been a very long hard road to recovery with multiple hospitalisations. My other dd has been fine so I suppose its not all of them but I don't think it's helpful if they are prone to mental health issues.

CoffeeWithCheese · 02/10/2023 14:49

I let DD1 have it for a while, highly limited and only unlocked on her phone when I was in earshot after a LOT of talk about algorithms and stupidity on there.

Few days of the more monotonous cat videos and the novelty and lure of the forbidden wore off and it's now deleted from her phone (and I've re-blocked it in parental controls so she's not making fake-tok accounts either).

Ivyy · 02/10/2023 17:30

Nope you're not being too strict op, especially at only 11. Tiktok is by far the worst social media app imo, wish my dd wasn't so addicted to scrolling through it.

There was an interesting documentary by Marianna Spring on BBC iplayer the other night. It's about tiktok frenzies and the influence tiktok has on it's users, then on society. Former employees who were content moderators basically said as a company they didn't, and wouldn't do anything to stop the frenzies etc. It's quite scary the power one company has!

Universalsnail · 02/10/2023 17:33

Not unreasonable. No way would I let any of mine have tik tok at 11 and I wouldnt back down about it.