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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my SIL’s and this makes DH angry

81 replies

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:03

Most recent fight - I don’t want to invite his sisters to our youngest upcoming birthday, he does. I want my sisters there he doesn’t.

I know in ideal world it would be “fair” option to take I.e. they both come but I can’t have that for reasons below:

  1. they have treated me appallingly - when my eldest daughter was born they made so many sexist comments (we’re Indians so in their mentality everyone wants boys), DH didn’t back me. MIL said her daughters would never say that and I’m making up stories! DH was present during both conversations and didn’t back me
  2. they wrecked her first birthday by not speaking to me and embarrassing me infront of guests when I tried to introduce them to my friends. They are btw 14 years and 10 years older than me.
  3. they have zero effort with me or my kids even though they live 10 minutes and 25 mins away.
  4. I have never been invited to their home in the 10 years of marriage
  5. when we met up during the early days at MIL home both sisters would roll their eyes at anything I said. Absolutely anything,
  6. Every wedding, every party they have made it clear they don’t want me on their table and laughed and looked at me up and down everytime I dressed up. Making me feel very self conscious.

on the other hand my siblings have celebrated both my daughters, came over with gifts. Have made DH feel part of the family and remember his birthdays and send a message every year. Make so much effort with my firms and buy them stuff and call them on a weekly basis even though they all live many hours away.

this fight with DH will never end. It’s been 4 years since I saw his sisters but they are very active in our lives as we fight about them.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2023 11:05

I’d ditch the husband. Why be with someone who doesn’t have your back?

Notthisnotthat · 01/10/2023 11:10

I think this is a DH issue, he should have your back! I'd be leaving him off the invite list.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:12

His sisters aren’t the problem here

he is

Why put so much effort into excluding people who treat you badly when you let the worst offender off?

Original poster
inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:16

Would anyone be inviting them considering everything they have done just to keep the peace?

OP posts:
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:19

@inARut243 why try and keep the piece with a literal piece of shit husband?

GrapplingGoat · 01/10/2023 11:20

If my sisters could come I'd invite the SILs and then proceed to ignore them entirely. If your DH wants them there he can talk to them. I'd spend my time with my sisters and not even acknowledge the other ones.

Octavia64 · 01/10/2023 11:21

No, I wouldn't be inviting them.

If your DH says that if they are not invited your sisters cannot come then I'd be prepared to pay that price,

You can then arrange to meet up with your sisters separately.

(My family and ExH's family did not get along and we ran double events for many years).

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 01/10/2023 11:23

You realistically can’t stop your husband inviting his sisters, BUT he absolutely shouldn’t want to invite anyone who treats you so poorly. He is your problem here.

Original poster
inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:24

The thing is he doesn’t even see how they want nothing to do with us but he still chases after them I feel. They’ve had so many opportunities to invite us over or make a good relationship with us but haven’t. In the beginning I remember asking them to let us know next time they going to MIL and they can pop over ours (we live in same street at MIL), one of them replied back she’s not coming to see us but her mum! They have never made me feel part of the family

OP posts:
Goldbar · 01/10/2023 11:24

I'd just have a separate celebration without your H and his sisters and with your own friends and sisters, and leave him to organise something with his side of the family. Maybe at one of your sisters' houses if they'd be willing to let you host there?

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 11:24

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:16

Would anyone be inviting them considering everything they have done just to keep the peace?

It is not just you inviting though, it is up to him if he wants them or not

Goldbar · 01/10/2023 11:26

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 11:24

It is not just you inviting though, it is up to him if he wants them or not

Show quote history

He can invite them if he wants but I wouldn't put any effort into hosting or organising an event they turned up at. I'd also go out for the 'party' - there's no way I'd stay in the same house as people who had treated me so badly. So he can organise cake, decorations etc. and do the childcare.

theescapeladder · 01/10/2023 11:28

Your husband not backing you up is a big part of this. Surely he's the one who could put some sense into his sisters?!

Then again, they have probably already set their ways and are like a lost case. They will still be rude to you and about you, behind your back or to your face.
It's feels like crap, I've been there.
Nevertheless, YOU have a choice of how this affects you. I say - fuck them! They're likely feeding from the drama. Try grey rocking them (Google it) and they will back off after a while.

My in-laws have been unnecessarily nasty to me over the years and younger me used to get really upset about it. Now I just smile and nod, and ignore them. It makes them quietly seethe and it's quite amusing to watch 😂

Original poster
inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:29

He would never do that. He’s not they type to organise anything. When I was severely depressed one year the kids got nothing, no birthday, no card no cake nothing. His motto is birthdays don’t matter and I’m childish for wanting to celebrate my kids birthdays. For the youngest he only came to the first birthday (one where both his sisters ignored me and spent entire night looking in my direction laughing). He since then hasn’t bothered turning up, if my sisters would t have been there it would have been crazy trying to deal with 2 kids plus be a host on my own.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 11:31

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:16

Would anyone be inviting them considering everything they have done just to keep the peace?

What difference will it make? Your husband will invite them anyway despite your valid reasons for not wanting them there. Have your own celebration at a relatives home then let your husband arrange his own party at home.....then plan how you will share assets and children after your divorce.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 01/10/2023 11:31

Honestly @inARut243 you can do so much better than this man. Based on your last update, his lack of support over this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. You really should reconsider this relationship, you deserve so much more.

DisquietintheRanks · 01/10/2023 11:32

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:16

Would anyone be inviting them considering everything they have done just to keep the peace?

No. To a wedding, maybe, to keep the peace. To a birthday party, absolutely not.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/10/2023 11:33

Your huddle and doesn't come to your DCs birthdays? That is awful. What message does that send to them? Does he participate at all in family life?

Original poster
inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:35

@ApolloandDaphne no, he doesn’t really bother with any of us. That’s what makes me angry that he on purpose tries to wreck any happiness I.e. parties when it’s obvious he doesn’t care.

OP posts:
PinkArt · 01/10/2023 11:36

He doesn't go to his own kids birthday parties, didn't support his wife through depression and doesn't support her when his family are being awful to her?
Put him in the bin!!!

nutbrownhare15 · 01/10/2023 11:37

So your husband wants you to invite his sisters to an event he probably won't turn up to? I would just say to him that's a great idea and he can organise the party including invites. Obvs it won't happen. Then do a separate event for your side of the family at one of their houses. Does he ever support you? I'm sure it's hard to think about leaving but it sounds like you'd have an easier life.

Sumthingsweet · 01/10/2023 11:37

dh sounds like a bit insensitive - why don’t you scrap the party and take your children out for the day instead to celebrate their birthday

cut a cake at home ? You don’t have to do the full shabang just mark their day

you sound very embroiled in all this drama - you need to remove yourself from toxic situations

Sumthingsweet · 01/10/2023 11:39

do You even want to be with your partner ? Still love him despite his lack of interest . You do have a choice .

TomatoSandwiches · 01/10/2023 11:39

Does he expect gifts and special treatment on his birthday?

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 11:40

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:35

@ApolloandDaphne no, he doesn’t really bother with any of us. That’s what makes me angry that he on purpose tries to wreck any happiness I.e. parties when it’s obvious he doesn’t care.

Then why on earth are you with him if he is so terrible